Through the years we've had specific time limitations and rules for computer and Xbox use. As the kids have become teens, it seems like as soon as they are kicked off they are back on in a few minutes. They have no respect for the time limits established for them and ultimately for us. I'm worried about the anti-social group of kids that are being raised these days. Playing outside for 10 minutes seems like a huge deal. Since they can play with friends online, they see no reason to have friends over and if they do, they will sit side by side playing on the computers. My 13 year old son wants to quit orchestra as well as many of the sports they do and is angry because we won't let him. They seem to have lost the ability to converse with an adult. We try to require 30 minutes of reading and 15 minutes of activity a day too as I see they bodies turning into hunched over little old ladies. As you can tell, I'm very frustrated. I want some insights on how to lay down the law and enforce it (as it is difficult with our own busy schedules and at least when they are on their devices, they are not fighting!) I know we have a limited number of years left with them and feel like there is not much quality interaction going on. Granted, most teens don't readily want much if any interaction with their parents, but I still feel it is important. We do have dinner together the majority of nights each week and go to church together. Thanks in advance for any tips, insights or encouragement.
Why not just take the stuff away? (This is a for real question, I am not trying to be smart or anything)
Lock the computer and take a way the Xbox controllers. Our kids share a laptpop. There are 4 used profiles on the laptop - one for parents, which is password protected, one for the little kids, which is also password protected, and one each for the two oldest (they are 14). They can't get into the other accounts, and their own accounts have time limits on them - they can log in between certain hours in the afternoon and evening, and nothing past 9 PM.
When our kids are abusing video game time, we just take the controllers away and they can only get them by asking permission. We take their phones away on a regular basis.
The only way enforce limits is to just do it. If they're playing video games for hours and hours while you're at work, take the controllers with you and then only give them back when you get home and after they have completed their chores and homework. It sounds like royal PITA, but it only takes about 3 weeks of consistency before they start to "get it" and change their behavior, then you can start to give them back some privileges if they've earned them and if not, keep doing what you started.
Unhook the game and put it away!
As an adult gamer maybe I can give you another perspective :)
I'm also a person who socializes via video games. Maybe you shoudl talk to your son and see why he prefers it that way? My fiance is the same way. He's better at it. He's uncomfortable face-to-face and was a lot in high school. But through a computer, he could have all the friends he wanted.
Video games aren't neccessarily evil and I do agree that he needs some down time from them. I get up, walk around, stretch, and drink lots of water when I'm doing my marathons!
What kind of games does he play? Try to find a related sport. A lot of boys like this would be interested in martial arts, boxing, MMA - if they play fighting games. Try to find video games that encourage development. SO MANY GAMES require the abbility to solve puzzles (My favorite - Portal) and a lot of them require reading in order to complete missions or to "win".
I think everyone who is saying to get rid of it is over reacting. You do not want to teach him that you hate his hobby or think it's bad. You want to teach him moderation. I can't tell you how many ADULTS I know who spend more hours than they should playing video games. I only do it when I'm done with everything else... cooking dinner, laundry, etc. Same with my fiance. If we have things to do we get them done, then play.
Keep in mind that society is changing. In my age group (20s) it's more common to text/facebook chat than to call someone or see them face to face. To be honest, your son is on the same level of communication. I wouldn't be worried about his social skills. I would just be concerned getting him into a sport (of HIS CHOOSING AND INTEREST) and getting him to learn moderation.
Why don't you ask them what they feel is reasonable? This is a great time to start a conversation about involving THEM more in their choices. Ask them to list out everything that is important that they should be doing. For example - their own laundry, keeping their room clean, helping you with dinner, homework, sleeping, getting ready, yardwork etc
Then - list all their activities / excercise.
THEN you have "Free Time".
Ask them what % of their free time should be spent doing what?
Quite frankly - if they are doing "normal" activities and responsibilities, they really shouldn't have more than a couple hours left over for playtime each day. If they are getting A's, working out, taking care of their own 'space' and helping you with dinner - who cares if those 2 hours are spent on the computer?
You can fight the "new reality" and curse the "loud rock n roll" music. But you're missing out on the opportunity to each impulse control, ownership of their own environment and future and you turn into grandma - which they will just tune out.
So, take a different approach and work WITH them, instead of against them.
Good Luck
With all due respect and recognizing the potential rebellion that might occur if you do this, you are the parents and might consider totally removing the x-box and possibly computer privileges unless and until they can control themselves. You will need to be able to suggest/provide some alternate activities and opportunities to develop skills and interests once you create this vacuum.
I think your concerns are very, very valid and that we are raising a very detached and brainwashed generation because of these media.
There are a lot of different questions and issues here, rolled into what seems like one question but is bigger than that....First, take a moment and be glad that your family does eat dinner together and go to church together. Those are great steps.
Computer time -- you say they are right back on after being "kicked off" and show no respect for the time limits you have set. Do you give them any consequences if they get back on and/or go over their allotted time? You don't say if there is any discipline associated with this. Set up a clearly announced and inflexible consequence, such as: If you do not log off when the time comes, you lose your computer/game/TV time for the next day. If you sneak back on after your time is up, you lose your computer/game/TV time for the next week. And so on. There need to be some consistent consequences that you always, always enforce. But do not just kick in the consequences unexpectedly-- sit down with the kids and announce that this is what happens from now on, starting today, and if they argue or fuss about getting off at the specific time, you will add another day without screen privileges to their discipline.
Your son wanting to ditch orchestra and sports is another question that may or may not be related to the computer games etc. Is he feeling over-scheduled? Does he play several sports and an instrument plus he's got homework? He may just be feeling overwhelmed and you might consider letting him drop to a single sport if he plays more than one. (I'd keep orchestra because music has been proven to improve academic performance and it's something he can do for life, which sports aren't). Talk to him when he's calm and open; don't criticize him for "giving up" but ask him why he wants to stop doing certain things. Maybe he's hit a tough time in orchestra and needs additional help with an instrument he likes but is strugglng with just now; can you get him over the hump with lessons or a cool mentor a few years older? Maybe he feels his schoolwork is so, so hard, but he hasn't been willing to tell you that because he fears looking dumb; can you get him to open up about what parts of schoolwork are toughest, and let HIM work out a schedule for spending more time on it, or for getting some help at school? (Many middle and high schools have in-school tutoring or mentoring.) If he says he "just wants more down time," ask him -- again, try to be even-handed and calm so he doesn't think you're judging him -- what he would like to do with that down time. If "just hang out" is the answer, you can remind him that the new limits and enforcement on computers mean that they won't be part of the new down time, if he stops doing certain activities.
One other thing -- Summer is coming. It sounds like he might need some very engaging things to do so you are sure he's not gaming and hanging out. Work with him to find some great camps (computer programming? Computer animation? Academic camps, sport camps, adventure camps with water sports, etc.?) to keep him busy and mentally engaged.
Talk to them. Discuss the reasons why. Discuss the consequences of their choices. Set the router to go off or remove cables as necessary. When my SS wasn't getting HW done, DH took the cables and controllers, rendering the xbox useless. When he owed DH money, DH canceled the Live that was on his credit card. Natural consequences. SS did and does play a lot of video games, but he also kept his grades up, was in sports, etc. It can be his down time, but find out how much time he really needs for other things. Don't let him just gulp dinner and run off. It is good that you do dinner. So many families don't.
I bet Shaun White's mom yelled at him to leave that darn skate board alone and come do his homework! You never know where their true interests will take them in life. If they are truly "into" it, and not just wasting time doing something because they are bored. Military equipment design has informed game design which in turn has modified military and equipment design again w.r.t. the human interface. Don't knock these geeks in training, they may be our design engineers of the future.
You could always program your router to turn of specific internet IP addresses after xx hours of usage per day - may require a software degree husband like mine, but maybe not, you could call your internet provider and ask.
I agree with Jackie - gaming can be social. My kids do a lot of gaming online but will have a Skype window open and are simultaneously talking with their friends. Both my girls can ramble at each other at top speed about game specifics that I know nothing about (while playing music in the background and playing a game each) but they really seem to enjoy it and it makes them members of a "tribe" that they can relate to. They wear game related T's to school and get comments and meet others who like the same stuff (Portal is a favorite here as well, as are all Zelda games for the 12 year old girl). But we do have a rule to do at least half an hour of activity outside daily, and they have to complete their homework and chores first. The 15 year old does her own laundry (has her own basket, decides when to do it) while the 12 year old does my laundry but I tell her to load the washer, then move it to the dryer, etc. So I keep them busy since I work too, but let them do in their down time what they like best (I prefer reading on my Nook or taking long walks with my MP3 player - something my 88 year old mother cannot understand either).
I have the same issue, but I get to include hubby in the mix! He, our 16 yo boy, and 14 yo girl are all addicted to DC Universe! Even our 5 year old loves to sit and watch them play. And between the 3 of them, I very rarely sit in the living room for more than 15 minutes before someone is wanting to play. Grrrr! I usually end up in my room, watching cartoons, reading books, or playing on the Wii with our 5 year old. Everytime I mention it to my hubby, he reminds me that it is his only outlet at the moment, and I respect that, I just don't like the step kids up until all hours of the night playing. So, unfortunately, I don't have any good recommendations for you, I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone!
A little bit of tough love works great with teens. Offer your kids a CHOICE in which either they respect and follow the rules set or they will loose access to that XBOX, PAD, CELL or computer for 1 week. All you need to do if these rules are broken is unplug the machine. They can always go to the school or local library to complete school work during the week, if they refuse to follow the rules!
Can you try to tell them they are still a part of the household and therefore must contribute to the care of the family which includes non digital chores and interaction time? I know I know its shot in the dark! sorry if that doesn't help you.
Four words- Get Rid Of It !!!! My father in law has been playing video games for years and although he is great at it, I cannot stand that a 40 something year old man rather play games than spend time with his family. Get your kids out now before it gets really bad. In my household my children can only play with their Wii and only because it keeps them active. I think sitting down to play a video game where someone else on the TV does all the action is completely and utterly ridiculous. If you are able, try to do more outdoor fun activities whether it be bowling, camping, putt putt, running, zoo, swimming, even paint balling for them would be fun.
When my kids were home they were always isolated but given the choice of going out with friends and the computer they always choose friends.
I don't think I would be concerned until it hits the point where their friends are calling and they are saying nah, I think I will chat on Facebook instead.
Once they became young adults they came back to hanging with mom so I wouldn't worry about it. I know it seems like forever but it is only a few years.
Not sure about the x box.....but look up timesupkids.com. it is the best software to limit computer use...and it totally takes you out.of the equation. So worth the $30!!!!! You can limit daily use...time of use....breaks between time....and can change the limit really easily. You can add time....take away time on a daily basis...just incase the are good or bad that day :)
