Funeral for 4 Year Old?

will she have any cousins there? We took my daughter to a wedding and a funeral when she was 4. She did well...but I think one of her older cousins held her on her lap.

She had other cousins there that she quietly played with afterwards while the adults talked.

She is definatley not to young. Get the book "What Happens When People Die?" it is written by Timothy Robinson. You can get it at Deseret Book. It explains to little kids about death. It is very simple and puts death at a level they can understand. The older they are when first exposed to death the harder it is on them. My son is almost 6 and he has been to his great grandmothers and his uncles funerals all before he was 5. He has done real well with it. My siter-in-laws had a real hard time with death and still do they are 12 and 9 now they were 10 and 7 when Grandpa died. I think they cope and deal better when young.

First let me express my sadness for your lost.

Honestly I do not think it would be wise, for many reasons people come to a funeral for reflection and peace, a four year old after a period of time can became bored and lound leaving you in a postion where you have to leave. Young children are not ready for death, so try to find a babysitter.

I have had three of my grandparent pass away the last three years and I was greatful that I left my daughters at home.

I haven't read all the responses, but my niece was at my grandmother's funeral last year. She was 2. She was told that grammy had died and gone to heaven, and that this was to say goodbye. She was very curious and wanted to know why we were crying. We said that we were sad because we loved Grammy very much and were going to miss her. She gave us hugs to make us feel better. Her being there let us appreciate that life moves on and that there were things to smile about. Because your daughter is part of the family, I think she should be involved. If it was a funeral for a random friend, I would say no, but great-grandchildren should be there.

While I say that, I think that an open casket is a different situation, and you should know if the body will be visible from the seats. She shouldn't have to see the body at this age.

I will first express my sympathies for your loss. Next I will let you know I speak from experience. My oldest was 2 years and 7 months when his baby sister died, and 4 years 1month when his baby brother died. Having a babysitter was not an option because all our family and friends were coming to the funerals and their losses were so sudden it would've been too traumatic to him to have us both away. So he attended both funerals, we took a few quiet books for him to read, and explained that the funeral is to say good bye to the person and it is important to talk softly and not a lot. We got no complaints.

Now where your daughter doesn't know her great-grandfather well and isn't super close. It may be easier for her to stay with a sitter. If you decide to take her practice sitting quietly, take a few books and position yourself where you can make a quick exit if need be.

My children have been to every funeral that I have attended. There are two sides to the issue and you really need to see what you need first. When my husband's grandmother passed away we had two children. I was so worried about any little noise that I was very stressed and my children could feel that and reacted to it. I had to take them out and I felt very guilty about not being in the services and more stressed which the children also reacted to. It was quite an emotional day. How do you feel if you have to step out of the services? Perhaps a close friend could attend with you to help with your child if she has to be entertained. I offered to do this for a family friend when their father-in-law passed away and they were very grateful that they could enjoy the service with their loved ones and not have to worry about their child. Secondly as other moms have said a child can be a great comfort in a situation like this. We had lost a cousin at 19 to viral meningitis. This was a very difficult situation because she was young. We had four children at the time ages 8 and under. My husband was very helpful with the older ones leaving me responsible for our infant, aproximately six months old. The sisters who had just lost their sister clutched our new baby for comfort and even their mom took comfort in being able to hold a little miracle of life. She brought smiles at a sad time and our little ones asked daddy about the situation and were taught lovingly about death even under tragic circumstances. Family can be a huge source of comfort at a difficult time and children can brighten a room with their innocence. First you need to prepare yourself and figure out what you can handle and then go from there. Every situation is different and your reactions can set the tone on how your children will respond. I'm so sorry for your loss and hope that you may find comfort at this difficult time. Good luck.

I have taken my young children to funerals and they have done exceptionally well. The last funeral we attended was last year when I was very pregnant with #7 and had all 6 others with us ranging from 9yrs-18mo. It was my grandmother's funeral. In my opinion it gave us a wonderful opportunity to address what death meant and what happens when you die. We are religious so that seems to make a huge difference-the funeral was more of a celebration of life, rather than a mourning of her death if that make sense. Also as someone else mentioned, many commented that it was nice to have the children and their happiness there to remind everyone that life goes on....their optimism and joy for life really seemed to help buoy people up.

Now, that said, I went to a funeral for a distant relative of mine when I was about 12 or 13yrs old that was....interesting. His family was not religious and thus they viewed the funeral as the END. It was very very difficult on them (for obvious reasons) and there was a lot of weeping and wailing. Even as old as I was, it was a little disturbing. It made me super grateful to have the faith that I had, but I felt awful for them. Think of what kind of even this will be and your daughter's personality and how she is likely to react. I would not take a young child to the kind of funeral I just mentioned, but would not hesitate to take them to one like we last attended.

I'm sorry for your family's loss-good luck making this decision!

HI M., Im a mother of 3 adult children,8 grandchildren and am in my late 60's. i lost my dad to illness when i was 10 years old and had to attend the funeral etc. i believe a child is never to young to learn about death, death is part of life, and life is part of death. don't protect your child from sad things, she will have to experience them growing up and growing old. good luck, aaron h

You could easily skip taking your 4-yr-ld to such an event. It will mean nothing to her, but it will add a few confusing and/or dreadful thoughts to her mind which she doesn't currently dwell on today.

As a child, whenever I learned something icky (death, sex, gay sex, where the chicken on my dinner plate comes from) I would dwell on it for a LONG time, and it would change the way that I would think about things.

If your child wasn't close to her grandfather I would probably not take her. My son was 4 1/2 when his daddy died and that was a different story-he needed to say good bye to his daddy to have closure. If a child doesn't have to be exposed to death so early it is better for the child. This decision is something you and your husband will have to talk about together. God Bless the family during this time. My prayer are with you all.

When my mother-in-law passed away I had a 3 and 2 year old and expecting my third in a month from the funeral. We took them to the viewing the night before and mostly they played with cousins, the day of the funeral there was a nursery for the kids so they could play and we could attend the funeral without worrying about them then we took them to the cemetary. When my sister died I had five kids they were 8,7,5,4,and 2 they didn't go to the nursery and I had to leave a few times for potty trips so missed a lot of her funeral. They could have gone but because of an accident on the interstate we barely got there in time for the family prayer and didn't have time to get them settled in the nursery. We have had some interesting conversations about death and funerals I'm not sure how much my 4 and 2 year olds understood. I think it's whatever you are comfortable with whether to take her or not. Good luck

I am so sorry for your families loss. I think it should depend on your daughter. You should ask yourself if you think she can be still and quiet for the funeral? Is she a worrier or very sensitive. Yes death and sadness is a part of life and you will need to talk about her grandfathers death, but will she be able to handle seeing it? I remember being expose to death very early and on my birthdays I would be sick to my stomach thinking that I was another year closer to dieing (we did believe in an afterlife and it still didnt help) Plus being around any intense emotion would scare me and make me sick when I was a child. So if you dont think she is ready, then there is no harm not bringing her. Our kids get exposed to so much already, why not let them have innocence as long as possible.

Hello M.--

I certainly can't speak for your daughter and her readiness, but I can tell you when my niece was just over 3 years old (and my daughter 3 months old) they both attended the memorial service for my dad.

Granted, my niece knew her grand-daddy quite well.

I think I would be hesitant if it was open casket but frankly, that might be more explaining than I want to do and personally I don't like them.

In the end, only you know her readiness. Death is a part of life for everyone but only you can make the decision for your daughter. I think kids are highly underestimated and it might be a great opportunity.

Good luck. Be well.
L.

I struggled with this a couple of months ago. I ended up deciding to bring my 4, 8, and 11 year olds to a funeral. It ended up being the right decision for us, as they got to see that it isn't a scary thing.

It really is a decision you need to make based on your child's maturity level, and how you think people will act at the funeral. I wouldn't recommend brining her if you think there will be people that are going to be very visibly upset.

Well i guess that all depends on your child. If she understands death and what it all means, than I say to not let her say goodbye could be a problem latter. I wasnt able to say goodbye to my aunt when she was murdered many years ago, I was only five, and i still have some resentment for that. good luck and our thought and prayers are with your family for this loss.

No no no no. Do not take the kids to the funeral. They do not need the tramum. That will affect them later in life. I think that if the child is very close to the person that died,that is a different story. It's for closer. But if not, then don't subject them to unnessary things such as this. Pray about it. Good luck

I imagine many people would advise you not to take her as she is so young... but I took my then 2 year old daughter to my stepfather's funeral. He had been very ill due to the effects of Alzheimers and I took her to visit (5 hour drive from home) my mom for support as we knew he wasn't going to live for much longer. My smiley & happy daughter completely brightened the day of every nurse/caretaker in the nursing home - they all were so thankful to have some genuine youth around. He had a veterans funeral and my daughter even kept going up to the coffin to touch the flag covering it... of course I was embarrassed and tried to keep her away (I didn't want people to think we were disrespectful), but a 2 year old isn't going to sit still for long... people at the funeral actually thanked me for bringing her and gave them something to smile about on a sad occasion. If I had a choice, I probably would not have taken her, but we were far from home & I didn't have anyone to watch her. Although she didn't understand the concept that grandpa had died, she understands now (she's 8) and we look at pictures and we talk about him quite often - even laughing now at how much she liked the flag, etc. My mom appreciated my daughter being there too.
I'm sorry for your loss & I'm sure whether you take her or not, it will work out.

Of course you should take her. This is part of life, she should be apart of the good-bye...even if she wasn't that close to him. In fact, some might say especially since she wasn't that close as a softer introduction to the funeral process.

This really isn't something to "save" children from. You're absolutely going to need to willing and ready to answer questions and give some hugs, but that just part of the deal.

YOU CAN HANDLE THIS!!!

Bring a few books, some paper and crayons, some dry cereal and/or fruit snack type things and you're good!

I have only read a few of the responses. And liked what I read. But wanted to add a few other ideas. First she is only 4. Second if you take her, you will need to go with the attitude that you are there to help her with the experience, and you are not going for you? Does this make sense? If you go for you and plan on grieving and talking to others and spending time with family members, I wouldn't take your daughter. But if you take her you need to know that in order to not disrupt others you will need to spend the time making sure that she understand why she is there and also to help her enjoy the time that she is there. If you can't do this, then don't bring her.

My father-in-law passed away when my oldest was 4. She attended the service. But the situation was different in that she was very close to her grandfather and my mother-in-law really wanted my daughter there. Also, it was more memorial service than funeral.

I did not want my daughter there, but felt that my mother-in-law needed my daughter. Otherwise, I wouldn't have let her go. It is a hard time. Things are so solemn and a 4 year old doesn't need that. Seeing as how your daughter was not close with your husband's grandfather, I'd not take her if I was you. Explain, sure - but leave the kids at home.

We had the same situation last year but the kids were very close to him. We did not take them to the funeral. It was the best choice for us. They did come to the reception after and that seemed to cheer people up. Our 3 and 6 year old understood what was going on without seeing the open casket.

Hi M., I think you can skip the funeral for your 4 year old. If she wasn't that close to him no real reason to expose her yet to this.
I am an older mom of 8. I have raised one family already and have grandkids older than my 7 year old that is still at home. This is only my opinion. I am not a profesional person so am giving you just advise from my "on the job training" so to speak.
R

Sorry for your loss!
I went to a funeral last week and there were several young children there. They had to be entertained and were quite noisy. One even played with the sound box and turned on music very loudly in the middle of the sermon. Maybe he can go to the reception afterwords to greet family?

I think a four year old is too young personally. Not to mention having to sit still for a period of time, be quiet while everyone is sad or mourning a loved one. The fact she wasn't close to him or knew him well is another reason. I would find her a sitter or somewhere else to be while you go. To save your sanity and for her to be comfortable especially. Good luck and I am so sorry to hear about your husband grandfather.

I am sorry for your loss. As for taking a child to a funeral, I am all for it. We took our boys at ages 14 mos and 3 1/2 to my mothers funeral and I think it was good for them to understand a little about death. They did not know her very well either (she lived out of state and our oldest only saw her a handful of times. It was good for them to know that people we love die, but the world isn't over since they are not here on earth with us. My boys talk of "Grammy" being up in heaven with their big sister (who was stillborn a year before my oldest was born). Hope this helps.

M.,

Coming from a mother who has buried a lot of family members in the years that I've been a mother (only 7) it is important to listen to your daughter. She is 4. By the time my daughter was 4, she'd been to several friend and family members funerals and viewings. This opened the door to the conversations that have brought us closer together as a family due to our beliefs. HOWEVER, my daughter at this age prefers NOT to attend funerals or viewings because she doesn't like the sadness involved. No one extremely close to us has passed on recently so that is good. We leave her with a sitter whenever possible.

At age 4, can she sit through an hour or two of speakers? Would it bother you to be her caretaker during those two hours (I've been to longer funeral services and that is a really really really long time)? Or do you feel that you need to be there to support your husband in his time of grief and mourning? At her age, she will likely not remember much about her great-grandfather, but may remember some things, the pivotal things, the important things.

I hope some of that is helpful. My daughter has a very good understanding of all this at an early age. I wanted that for her, because my father passed on when I was 19 and they never "met". And I want to help her as her views and mind form as she is growing up.

Any questions, just email me back!
V.

I would talk to her about it, explain what happened and all, but find a sitter for the funeral. There is no need for her to go. She can learn about death gradually, like when an animal or a plant dies, and just in discussions. (Be sure to include your religous view on death in your discussions). Also, a funeral is not geared towards children and she could become bored, possibly making it harder for other people who are there (that depends a lot on her personality) or even distressed at seeing so many people sad.

I'd say no. My grandmother died when I was 6 and the funeral was really long. At least that's my memory. :) I didn't know her very well. My uncle died not too long ago. My 5yo loved him. We didn't take him to the service, just to the meal and all afterward, partly due to my being a part of the service. I think it was a really good option. He understood why we were all together, but there wasn't the stress for him of having to sit still for the service. He didn't feel at all slighted, and actually thinks he got to be at the funeral. Your daughter can do all the family stuff, and benefit from that, but I wouldn't add the service. Even with our son being used to sitting quietly in church, I think it would have been a stretch to do it for a funeral. I'm so sorry to hear of your family's loss!