Funerals

My Father died when I was 6 and my brother 3. My parents were divorced and we didn't see him often. We did not go to his funeral on advice from several people. Fast Forward 12 years... I found his death certificate, that is what convinced my brother and me that he really was dead, and that it was not an elaborate story told to us. My Mother has regretted that she didn't have us go, because she knew we didn't believe the story.
So I would say, if the kids are close to the person, it may help them understand that they will no longer be able to see that person.

Hi, I have six children, ages range from 1 to 12. We all attended my mother in laws funeral a year ago. I was very nervous about the younger ones going, espically because it was an open casket and I knew there would be a lot of saddness they might not understand. I'm realy glad we took all of them though. They got to hear some great things said about their grandma, they met so many relatives who were very happy to meet them as well and I think a lot of people look at passing as a celebration of life so there was happiness and laughter around as well. We tried to explain that before hand, it was going to be sad to say goodbye, that it was just part of life and to be happy for all the good memories we had with her, it was a time to share those with others who loved her as well. It realy does depend on how close they were to the decesed though. If they don't realy have that connection, it might just be confusing and a bit boring for them. Good luck! hope this helps :)
~J.

If they are old enough to sit reverently, they should be fine. I don't think it hurts to teach them about death, as it is a part of life. I remember going to the funeral of our neighbor across the street. I wouldn't have been more than 6 or 7. I knew him well, but it sure didn't bother me to go; it was educational. Once you make a decision one way or the other, don't worry about it. Neither should have any damaging effects. I took my boys to one when they were about 4 and 1, and had to keep them in the nursery at the church the whole time, but I was able to hear it all through the speaker system.

I went to my first funeral at the age of five...it was my Pada(grandpa) even though i was so young i remember the whole thing. I think it helped me not miss him so much. Even at five you need closure on stuff. I think if they are old enough to understand what is going on then it is ok for them to attend. Babies may be to disruptive for the actual funeral but could come to the wake in my opinion. That is my two cents!!

It depends on a number of things. The relationship of the child to the deceased, the type of service, what did you tell the child about the passing of the person (that they went to sleep for a long time is inappropriate, kids will fear sleeping and not being able to wake up)... just for starters.

My Dad passed away when my kids were 9,7, and 4. All three went to the services. All three of them were a part of his living with his lung cancer and they all knew that he was going to die. Heaven was the only place where Poppa could go and get well. They experienced his trips to the hospital, the oxygen tanks, the nebulizer, his hospital bed in the living room that he took them for rides on, his continuing undying love and interaction with them. When I got the call he had passed away we were on a vacation in Disneyland. (We were due to fly home the next morning.) We had gotten back to our hotel room for the evening and the fireworks were just beginning to go off. I got the call and all three of our kids started jumping up and down on the beds, hollaring "Yeah!! Poppa's in Heaven!! He doesn't hurt anymore!! Yeah!!" Do they miss him, YES. At the service, there was no body, my Dad wanted direct cremation. It was a celebration, a rememberance service of his humor, his escapades, his hard works, his love for his family and friends. At the end I had balloons for the grandkids (I have two nephews, one who was 4 and one almost a yr at that time), they hugged their balloons, put kisses on them and let them go up to Poppa to catch their hugs and kisses. 3 yrs ago, my sister-in-law passed away unexpectedly leaving behind a 10yr old son and a 5 yr old daughter. Her children were able to be with her at the hospital before she passed, they knew that they were having a tug of war with the angels and the angels were going to win. Again, there was no body at the memorial. They had picked items to send with their Mom and my nephew sent his wrestling trophy and 2 of his 1st place medals. They were cremated with her. Again, her memorial was a celebration, a remembrance of her life. And for the kids, it's important to hear all those stories and tales. I had placed 4x6 recipe cards on the tables (huge potluck) and asked that folks write down their favorite stories, tales, jokes that their Mom had told them. These weren't to be condolensces, but memories, good times. Then I put them in 4x6 photo albums for the kids and mixed photographs of their Mom in with the cards. This is a place where they can go and find a piece of her, anytime. As far as your teenage son, those teen years are hard. Talk to him about his feelings about the person. Funerals aren't for those who passed as much as they are for those left behind. He might not need to go, but his going might help someone else deal with their grief, help them remember a good time. Talk. And then there is you. Do you need your kids to be there? Ask yourself why and you'll have the reasons you need. I wish you peace.

My very first question posted on here was about this exact subject. My husband's grandad passed recently and we have a 4, 5, and 6 year old. After much consideration, we decided to take our children to the memorial service, but NOT to the burial site service which was immediately prior to the memorial service at the church. We took coloring books for the kids, and they sat quietly (of course after we told them what was going to happen and what was expected of them). We all stayed for a lunch that the congregation held for attendees and the kids did really well. The service was probably around 40 minutes. Good luck!

You didn't say how old your daughter is or if you're also asking in respect to your teen boy.

If the funeral is for someone in the immediate family and if the family will be comfortable with it a young child could go. My 2 1/2 yo granddaughter attended my mother's funeral. She didn't understand what was happening. But she was a source of joy for relatives.

When my father died a couple of weeks later my brother asked that she not attend. He's a "stick in the mud" sort who wants everything to be just so. He also didn't want her around for other family events. Still doesn't and she's 8. Anyway, we found a babysitter for her. Our family is close and we honor each other's comfort zones as best as we can.

I think that a teen should attend the funeral of a relative or close friend. Funerals are a way of saying good bye. Although attending is painful it is also healing when attendance is approached with that in mind.

When my daughter was 10 she wanted to attend the funeral of one of my co-workers. A couple of my friends said that they'd rather she didn't attend. We didn't go. I wish that I had gone without her. I didn't have a babysitter so couldn't.

I'm saying that a child can attend a funeral depending on the feelings of other important people who are also attending. If the funeral is for a family member it would be best if the family agrees that it's OK.

If you want your teen to attend then he should attend. But you should talk with him about what will happen, why you want him there, and reassure him about his fears.

Funerals are one of those things in life that is fraught with so much emotion that attendance is often done only under pressure. For me I've been more comfortable with each funeral that I've attended. My first funeral was for an uncle when I was 12. My younger brothers went too as did the grandchildren of the man who died.

Death is an integral part of life. I think it's important for kids to learn about death and how to deal with it from their parents. Each of us should do what we believe is important for ourselves and our family.

In mine opinion the children shouldn't be attend a funeral at all. If your child is young and won't understand it, it is OK. But if it is older can affect her/his memories about this person for the rest of her/his life. Let them remember the person alive if they were close to him/her. If they weren't close, than they don't need any memories for that person. If you feel like you need to do something about that, just sit down with them and make them write a letter to that person. Than at the funeral, you can read the letters from theirs behalf and than attached them to a balloon and send them to "heaven". I'm sorry for your lost.

First things first. There is no difinative answer to when is an apropriate age to expose a child to funerals. But I will tell you from personal experiance what has happened in my family. I am very open and honest with my daughter, when it comes to death, dying and funerals. All four of her great grandparents (my grandparents) have died in her lifetime (9 years) as well as a aunt. She had the opertunity to know each of them and saw each up till the end, as well as attending each of their services. She has no fear of death, or of the dead. My cousin on the other hand has 2 older children that have not been exposed to any of it. Not that no one in their lives have died, but that she refuses to let them experiance those things. they are 18 and 14 years old, and scared of anything having to do with death. When thier grandmother (my aunt) died she wouldn't even let them visit or talk about her in the house. They had a hard time dealing with it, and even had nightmares about it. While my daughter was fine with it (I don't mean she didn't cry, because she did),and asked apropriate questions. So it is all in how you deal with it, that will tell you how they will, if given the chance.

Dearest Tee,

A year ago I became a widow. At that time my 4 children ranged in age from 4-19. All attended my late husband's funeral but I will tell you that my 4 year old daughter just did not understand it at all. However, my 7 year old and my older two just needed to be there. All of my four children, however, insisted on seeing their daddy after he passed away (in a hospice - after a 12 week fight to save his life). They all marched in, chins quivering and held their cold lifeless daddy until we were all ready to go home. This they understood and this made a huge difference for them.

I do think each child is unique. I believe that each child, over the age of 6, should be able to communicate their need to you, as to whether they need the funeral for closure or not. The age doesn't change based upon how close they were to the deceased, but rather the needs of the individual child. I wish I had more to give you, but the truth is that we are all so different, that no stereotyping can be given in this or any circumstance. I do not see an age for your daughter, but I can tell you that your teenage son can tell you his needs very plainly. He needs to remain in his comfort zone. Your daughter, depending upon her age and depending upon her closeness to the deceased...and depending upon her personality and whether it is an open casket, yada yada yada... There are too many differentials here for me to give you a straight forward answer, however, you are the parent here and if you are sensing despair over this situation, do not walk your children into this scenario. They can feel your emotions and are looking to you for how to behave under any circumstance, so go with what your gut tells you.

If you want to "chat" online further, please don't hesitate to send me a response. If I have taken anything from my husband's passing, it is to pay it forward, share my experience and minister - here on earth - while I have the opportunity.

Good Luck,

D. P.

Hi There,
The best I can do is share our experience and hope it gives you some ways to think about the situation.
My Mother-in-law died last year, I have twin boys who were three at the time. My husband and I are both therapist. With our friend who died earlier in November, we chose not to have them see her body. After I share our experience, in some ways I partialy regret that.
The boys saw their Grandma one week before she died. As my husband grew up in a Catholic environment, his family honored the tradition of having a wake, which meant an open casket. We told the boys what was happening and that Grandma was not sleeping, but that this was a tradition that gave people a chance to say "good-bye" We took them to the funeral home and said, you can go up close to Grandma, or not. We understand and will do what you want. One boy stepped back, the other stayed still. A little while later one of the boys came to me, took my hand and pulled me up tot he casket. We talked to Grandma and sang to her. This gave his brother the courage to come closer. Just writing this is making me tear up. It was so respectful, so honest, so loving, it clearly meant a lot to all of us. We took the position that death is an organice natural part of life and I think with our ease, came our children's. There was also a moment when my husbands siblings, spouses and all the grandkids were the only one's with Grandma while she was in the casket, we stood together and my sister-in-law who is more involved in Christianity then we are, lead us in the most beautiful prayer. These were precious, pricelss moments. How much will our children remember?vv
Last, as a counselor, I have learned that while we may not want children to see a dead person, due to disfiguration or our own discomfort, rituals like a funeral, have been around from time imemorial, because we all need a chance to have closure and feel, together, within a community the way in which the individual not only touched our lives, but many.
Whatever you do, be true to yourself.
Mary

When I was in college, I took a sociology class on death and dying. The general opinion from the experts was that children need to be old enough/mature enough to be able to sit quietly for at least fifteen to twenty minutes and they need to be sufficiently well behaved enough to be calm and polite. The parents also need to be ready, willing and able to quietly escort their child from the area if they get restless or upset. (The goal is not to upset or disturb others who are attending the service.)

There was a divide in the opinions on whether or not children should be forced to attend. Some experts believed children should be required to attend the funeral of (especially close) family members. Others believed the children's wishes should be respected. (I personally came down in the middle. I think it depends on the child and the family. I would NOT drag my child to funeral, but if I thought the service would benefit my child I would try to talk him in to attending. If that didn't work, I would arranged to have the service video taped so he could watch if/when he felt he was ready.)

I feel death is a natural part of life and you shouldn't try to keep it away from your children. With younger children it is easier for you to morn if they are not there and board sometimes. But I don't think you should keep it away from them, but explain it to them before you go that you are going to say good-bye!
S. W

My husbands mother just past 2 1/2 weeks ago and we flew over there with my 3 year old and 6 month old. Of course the 6 month old had no idea what was going on, but the 3 year we explained to her what was going on. She also is to smart for her own good! We told her that grandma had gone to heaven and that she was going to be asleep for along time and that she wouldnt be able to see her anymore. I felt that it was important to let her be a part of what was going on. So when we went to the funeral they had an open casket for just immediate family and my 3 year old saw her grandma laying there and she asked me if grandma was sleeping and I said yes and she acknowledged that she was in heaven sleeping. So I think it depends on what you feel in your heart, as to when and how old you want your kids to be to go to a funeral.

Tee,

Without more information the best answer I can give is: it depends. It depends on how old the child is. It depends on how close the child was to the deceased. It depends on the maturity of the the child. It depends on so many things.

Go with your gut instinct, but also give the child a choice, if (s)he's old enough. The last few days of my paternal grandmother's life I was forced to go to school and pretend that nothing was wrong. That was when I was a sophomore in high school, 12 years ago or so. To this day I still feel like I didn't really get to say good bye. I got to go once to the hospital before she died, and the next time I saw her she was a pile of ash. At the memorial everyone was crying, and I was sitting there dry eyed. She WAS the first mother figure I ever knew. Anyway, I digress. Give your child the opportunity to say good bye if they so choose.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

If your child was close to this person, they may need the chance to say goodbye, the same as an adult. I think it depends on how much they understand about death, and also on the child's personal relationship with the deceased.

Blessings be on you and your loved ones.

Sorry to hear that you have a friend or relative who has passed away. Having children going to funerals depends on a few things. Is it a family member ie a grandparent, aunt, uncle or a very close family friend? I would say that it would be appropriate for a teenager to go. For your younger child it just depends on how much that person meant to them. My oldest boy is 6 1/2 and we had a very close friend pass away suddenly and it was too hard for him. It was his best friend's dad. I let him decide if he wanted to go and he did not want to go. that is what I was thinking that he was too young. Some of our other friends had their children go. Last year my husband's grandfather passed away and they had all of the great grandchildren attend and were apart of the ceremony. I was worried about my oldest boy but he was great. It really depends on the situation but I do think that your teenager is old enough to go.

Again, sorry to hear about your loss.

S.

Dear Tee, This sucks to have to deal with, it does matter how well they knew a person. I have always felt, if they need closer, and they understand they should go. There is a real difference in a viewing, and a funeral, I don't think anyone should have to look at a dead body, but the service is helpful in the healing process. Hope this helps, God speed. R.

That is a really hard question. I guess what I would ask myself is if the funeral will help your child with the loss. I remember going to my great grandmother's funeral when I was 8 or so and it was scary and confusing. I remember going to my grandmother's funeral at 10 and it was scary and confusing. So I would say I wasn't ready and it didn't help with my grieving. My dad passed away when my son was 2. I didn't bring him to the memorial but had a friend bring him to me for the reception afterward. There were pictures there and we could talk about it on his terms. If you are close to the person that might be a good compromise. I would go with your gut because that is usually the right thing. I do agree that the child needs to be old enough to sit and not disturb the other mourners.

I believe that an appropriate age for a child is one where the child understands all of the emotions that the adults will be exibiting. Younger children don't understand the emotions that adults sometimes emotes. I recently lost my mother and took all four of my children to her memerial. My children are ages 7, 9, 13, and 15.