Getting 5Th Grader Ready for School Play

I have a daughter, who is now 19, who was in plays since kindergarten, she is a Drama Queen we call her. Off of the stage she is very confident and conservative, in her dress and manner, but on the stage she does a transformation for her character and holds onto that off the stage until the show is over and each show I see her in I am more and more amazed by the talent that I see in her. This may not be a phase or stage, it may become her passion, and it sounds to me as if it is becoming that to her. Do what you can to let her fly, not many kids get to do that these days. My daughter took her abilities all the way to NYU and had an artistic revue to join the Theater Arts Dept. and she did that all on her own, without a coach. I was so proud of her!

That seems a little extreme (cost wirse) for a fifth grade production. Ultimately it is up to you, but I woulds say stick-on nails (or black polish on her own nails) and maybe a yarn wig and a black tail sewn from felt (aren't lions brown?). If money's no worry, most of those spray hair colors last a little longer than they claim if you have light hair, but they do wash out eventually.

G.,

Hold your ground, you're right! Get slip on fake nails (they slip on over the tips of your fingers)and paint them black if necessary. Spray her hair!--when the play's over, it's over! This is coming from a 5th grade school teacher and a Mother who raised a professional actress. Now is the time for you to exercise your "rights as a Mother". Believe me, as she gets older, you'll be glad you did!...and once she's grown she'll look back and thank you for it! N.

Okay, first of all, Happy Mother's Day.

Now, my kids are 17 and 13. I learned a valuable lesson a long time ago from my aunt when my cousin went through some very interesting phases. It is only hair. It will grow back. My cousin went through a whole mess of phases between 12 and 18. (BTW, she is now in her 20's, married, working, and fine.) Anyway, she had hair that was pink, purple, black, mohawk, half a mohawk, etc., she had a mohawk at my son's christening. Anyway, she was just trying to find her own self. When everyone was giving my aunt a hard time about her daughter, she just said, "It's only hair." Now mind you, my aunt graduated first in her class at MIT and was valedictorian. She is one smart and classy and well groomed woman. So, this advice hit me really hard.

Anyway, my daughter is 17 and she has gone through red streaks, blue streaks, fake nails, etc. She doesn't have piercings, not even ears, since she is afraid of needles so I am not worried about extra silver peeking at me or tattoos, but she is just expressing herself.

You have to go with your instincts but I'd compromise. Ask a hair salon about the best way to go about the hair thing. Talk to her about how her hair will be discolored after the temporary rinse and try the hair spray. She may decide that she doesn't like having black hair. Make her learn about taking care of her hair, etc. My daughter got away with the streaks and hair colors because I made her buy them herself. I just signed the permission slip at the salon (and the blue streaks looked really good on my daughter - they matched her eyes). You daughter needs to learn to take responsibility and learn the consequences of dying hair too often or the wrong color.

This could be a great opportunity for you to start forging an open relationship with your daughter before she gets into her teen years. 5th Grade is when they start making the transition to middle school where everything changes and if you don't have open lines of communication now, you will never get them because next year, her friends will be more important and smarter than you (to her).

As for the nails, if she has an allowance, tell her she would have to pay for them herself and maintain them herself. When she gets a load of how expensive it is to maintain, she may change her mind. For ages now, my daughter, my mom, and I hit the nail salon once a month to get manis and pedis together. It is two and a half hours of uninterrupted girl time. We laugh and chat while we get our feet massaged. I only pay for the pedicure, she pays for everything else.

Yeah, she might be a bit young to you, but in the blink of an eye she is going to be grown and you will wonder what happened. Forge that friendship and trust now and you will have a great relationship with her as a teen. People don't believe me, but my daughter tells me EVERYTHING. By not judging and pushing my views on her, she has made some very intelligent decisions and when she has made a mistake, she comes to me and we talk about what happened and how she feels would be the best way to fix it.

As for the play? Well, go with the hair spray and then talk to her about the expense of dealing with nails, etc. Sit down with her, make it girl time instead of a fight. Go to the beauty supply store and read all the products together. Talk to her calmly about how each product may effect her beautiful hair. Ask her is she wants to take that risk. Remember it is only hair, and it will grow back but having her laugh and talk to you and spending the time together is so much more lasting.

However, don't go against your feelings - you are the mom and there is a food chain - LOL. State how you feel about things. If she wants to change your mind, you are teaching her negotiation tactics and debate skills. ;) Don't not say no to be her friend. Stay her mom but open yourself up to the possibility of also being her friend. Who knows, you may end up like me with all the girls wanting to hang out with you because you are honest with your information. When I tell one of my daughter's friends that the color choice they are looking at is nasty, they believe me. And, when I went to color my hair to cover that nasty grey coming in (wink), they picked my color and it was perfect.

This is not Broadway. And she is 11. I teach theater and although I actually asked one student just yesterday! if she would want to do a temporary rinse (just an idea!) she had other ideas and that was just fine. Sounds like your daughter is using the play as an excuse to do these things. You asolutely DO NOT need to do all that. Do what YOU want. Tell her NO.

I have several thoughts on this, it brings back a lot of memeories for me.

My sisters and I were in many plays. I remember being really mad as a 5th grader that a blond girl got the part of Dorothy in "The Wizard of OZ" and did not color her hair or wear a wig! It made me mad because I am a brunette who loved Dorothy for her beautiful brown hair, just a little 5th grade attitude for you (completely un-related to your request).

However, my sister & a good friend of mine were cast as "Anne & Margot Frank" in "The Diary of Anne Frank." They were supposed to get a "rinse" to temporarily color their hair black. My sister had dark blond hair with sun streaked blond sections from lifeguarding. My friend had a more yellow bond hair. Much to thier horror, long after the play was over and done with, the hair dye remained!

My sister just kind of "rolled with it." However, my friend was crushed. She hated the dingy borwnish-black hair color that she was left with and spent countless hours and dollars in the salon for months trying to get her origianl color back. As a result, her hair got very dry and brittle and started breaking and it looked terrible. Unfortuatley, a lot of kids teased her about it. It was our freshman year in highschool. Years later, she still lamnets about her lost golden tresses!

You could share this story with your daughter. They might have better hair rinses now, that was back in the late 80's, but anytime you mess with semi-permant dark color on light hair, you run a risk of not getting what you expected.

Later, my same sister went on to play the same part as Marylin Monroe had in a play based on the movie "Bus Stop." She had her hair bleached down to a light "bannana flesh" yellow. When the roots started to come out, she tried to fix it and ended up with a grey-ish green color that was just ugly! It was kind of funny, but it had to be fixed right away, it was just terrible.

Also, from my experience teaching 5th grade, a little hair color mis-hap like this can be an extreme blow to the self-esteem. I can't even count how many times I have had parents ask me what to do about their 5th grade daughter not wanting to come to school because she thinks she has a "unibrow" or a forehead that is too big. It seems to expecially crop up at this time of the year.

If you let your daughter use the rinse and she gets bad results, it could be very hard on her. I would probably try to get her to see that it might not work out and if you decide to have her get it, make sure she knows what could happen.

I personally love wigs and it is always fun to go to a costume shop and try on a million of them, and it could also be a treasured memento for years to come of her role in the play.

I hope I helped and didn't ramble too much!

Good luck with this, it is tricky!

Dear G.,
I have a daughter who I went through all the plays and skits and cheerleading stuff with. She is turning 22 in October.
Halloween is my favorite holiday and I have helped many parents with dressing up for that and school plays etc. Both girls AND boys. There are colored sprays you can get for hair that are way less than $24 and they wash right out. You do the style....you spray the hair....(carefully especially if you are using black...not to get it everywhere).
Me, my daughter, and my son, (who is 12), are all natural light blondes. If you dare put a "rinse" on your daughter's hair.....it will take weeks for it to wash out. Believe me....thinking it will be fun to go from black to blonde.....all the stuff in the middle is not pretty. I am an adult and I thought it would be fun to put a rinse on my hair. My husband almost had a heart attack. I wanted deep auburn hair, "temporarily" and what I got was something that exactly matched the bright burgundy/fuscia throw on the back of my couch. I didn't think about it at the time...but white and red make pink!
Guess what ash blonde and black make.......
Something that will make your daughter look like swamp thing and she will not be happy.
Then, she will either have to live with it, or you will end up spending hundreds trying to strip her hair and then condition it for all the chemicals it takes to get her hair back to normal. It's not worth it for an 11 year old.
Not for one performance.
She is wanting to color her hair and thinks it will be the "cool" thing to do and she has no idea what she is asking for.
My daughter snuck and bought a box of hair color when she was 13. She was "insistant" as well. I heard screams coming from the bathroom and thought that she surely must have slipped and almost killed herself so I went running to check on her. Not only had she put the dye on her hair....but she also thought she would darken her eyebrows while she was at it. Her little fair Swedish skin was completely stained EVERYWHERE that dye touched her. Especially around her eyebrows. She was having a complete panic attack because it wouldn't wash off and she looked RIDICULOUS!!!!!!!! I said, "What did you do? Show me the box, right now! What were you thinking?" She said, "I was thinking it was a really pretty hair color." She handed it to me and I could not stop laughing. It really was a pretty hair color and it really was hilarious. I said, "Did you not notice the beautiful black lady on the box?"
She ended up laying in my lap while I scrubbed her with Lava soap and everything else trying to get it off her skin. I still laugh about it. But she never tried to sneak anything like that again. It's Mother's Day and that is one of my funny stories. A hair color disaster to be sure.
Again....I say...stick with a rinseable spray.

My son is also in the 5th grade. I agree with the moms who say that this whole thing is way over the top, but then again,the play is next week and you have to come up with something. I would go with a black wig and paint her fingernails black. Both of these suggestions are simple and are not permanent.
I admit that I don't have a daughter, but I do agree with the mom who said that YOU are the parent. Dyeing the hair of a child is ridiculous and should be out of the question. A couple of moms said that their daughter's hair broke off, was damaged from dyeing, etc. She is too young for this. When she's 18, then she can do what she wants. Furthermore, children like to touch their hair. I think that the dye might rub off onto her hands, face, could get in her eyes, etc.
Please start standing up for yourself as a parent, and decide what you will allow and what you won't allow. YOU are the adult. Good luck!!

I don't know how fancy your school plays are but this sounds like a bit much. My 5th grade daughter was also a lion this year(Aslan) for her class play. She only wore a borrowed costume and I put on wiskers and nose. I say don't buy into this. The expense alone is unnessary.

Temporary rinses do not come out right away. She'll probably have roots showing for a long time (I think). There is a good spray that is used to cover bald spots that stays on very well until you wash it out, then it washes out completely. I could not find it in the Beauty supply store so I ordered it from Carol Wright Gifts catalog. Dr. Leonard's catalog has it too. It costs around $10 but they often have a 2 for one sale.

Fake nails-I would never do them. Once you start you keep on using them, filling them, etc. I understand they are not good for your nail health.

Good luck.

Hi G.,
The black spray will give her a better coverage and color than a temporary rinse. The temp rinse will not come out the same color as it looks on the bottle because the bottle shows the rinse on pure white hair and your daughter is not starting off with pure white hair. If she wants her hair to look really black then the spray is the way to go. You have better control of the color with the spray. My husband and I were both hairdressers for many years and that is our professional opinion.

Have you talked with your daughter about what is an appropriate age for coloring her hair? My mom always dyed her hair and so she didn't have a problem with us doing so. We started using different products on our hair when we were in junior high. I remember my sister wanting to bleach her hair and we tried everything, including clorox. It didn't work, but it gave her a nice red face. She love to tell that story on me. ;) So, we dyed our hair and started experimenting with make-up. We also went to church and loved Jesus. We didn't get involved in wild things, I guess I'm just saying "it's only hair". There are greater battles to fight.

What an opportunity you have to have some fun with your daughters, you might go to a wig shop and have them try on different wigs to see what the different colors look like on them. It is a good thing to understand the difference between warm and cool colors and what kinds of tones are in her hair, skin and eyes and why different colors work and other don't. My mom bleached out my hair once and it turned out "chicken fat yellow", after we put the tone she picked out, I was green! I was in high school and refused to go to school until we fixed it.

Coloring your hair is a phase that many kids go through. All 4 of my kids have been there. Even my 3 sons. You daughter is right on target age-wise. It would be better for you to oversee this. I have friends who have thought they knew how to color hair because they could read the directions on a box and turn people's hair purple or orange or black and then try to get the color out and ruin that persons hair for a long time.

As far as the nails go, tell her that you know what a great actress she is, and that people will be so captured by her acting that they wont even notice her nail, but that if she wants to use black fingernail polish on her nails under the fake nail, so in case they fall off the black color will be there, then that would be ok with you. You don't want to set a precident of being bullied into things that you can't afford, or don't think are really important. It's such a tough thing trying to wind your way through all these issues, especially if you're divorced and have to figure it out alone.

Blessings on you and your two daughters. Have fun with the little things you can and hold on, it can be a roller coaster.
D.

Remember who is the parent and put your foot down. If you don't they will learn they can walk all over you. If you feel this is wrong then go with you gut instincts. I would not allow my twins to go black. They are 9, but even at 11 don't think I would allow this.

Your the boss, so be the boss.
Good luck

P.S. wigs work well too.... and they are not permenent.

You are correct in that you need to hold your ground on this. She is too young and while this might not be the hill you want to die on, she needs to listen, learn and respect. My daughter is 13 (14 in 23 days) and graduating from Middle School with honors. We dyed her hair red (from brown, but it fades in the sun as she plays alot of softball) starting only last year. You Rock, G. and I hope you had a great Mother's Day!
Patti B.

If you wanted to let her do the hair dye thing, Hot Topic has some of the same sort of one-day hair dye for really cheap. My sister bought some for a concert last year (she was 13). It does tend to rub out, but she had her black hair dye, so she was happy. Just another option.

for starters good luck... as for the nails go with the fack stick on but get super glue or nail glue and make them suckers stay put the downfall to this is it will take time for them to all fall off unless she is anything like i was and will sit there and pick them off... as for the hair i was one that wanted to color my hair too i see nothe=ing wrong with this other then the color she wants the first time i got to color my hair i was in 6th grade and it was fire engine red but also a washout with your doughter having light hair i would tell her natural colors only nothing to dark and washouts only and you want to be carful with some of the colors if she was to do black and a wash out she could have gray hair next so i would make sure she sticks to reds and browns for her own good... again good luck to you

You're right! She's just a child and way too young for a temporary rinse. Also, a black rinse on blonde hair will not "rinse out" like its supposed to. Trust me, I have experience with this.
Get her stick on nails (these are age appropriate), you can use a touch of nail glue to help them stick better. Get her a cheap black halloween type wig. She's a lion, this is a costume, not a makeover!
Take her to Wishing Well and pick up the last minute items. If she's not happy with these age-appropriate alternatives then she gets nothing. It certainly won't ruin her play if she doesn't have fake nails or black hair, and you don't need to put up with any attitude from her. You are the mom, you are in charge.
Stick to your guns and have a blessed play!
P.S. Tell her you'll talk about black hair when she's 18. ;-)

G.,

Go with your gut instinct regarding all your daughter's new requests. As far as the hair, I STRONGLY suggest that you don't allow her to dye it black. I used to have naturally light blond hair, did a temporary color of black for halloween-- and my hair has never been back to my original color( that was over 10 years ago!). I am now a dark-medium brown.

Good luck~

Molly

Strong-willed children are surely a challenge! It means that as a parent, you have to pick your battles or you would constantly be in conflicts, which could exacerbate oppositional behavior. For this situation, I would set a reasonable budget for her costume. Then, I would make some practical decisions for her. For example, lions do not have black manes or black fur. Therefore, black hair (at $24/bottle!) is inappropriate for the part she's playing. You might get the drama teacher's input on this. I'm sure they don't want a black-haired lion on the stage! The bigger issue is that your ash-blonde daughter may some day come home with black hair, done at a girlfriend's house and without your permission. Is this one of the conflicts you decide is not worth fighting? I would think so. However, if the black hair came with a complete Gothic outfit, black lipstick, and other signs that she is identifying with a group of children that concern you because of the way they behave, then it's time for some family counseling!

First, I would be weary of black temporary color on ash blonde hair. Blonde absorbs even temporary color and may not be as "temporary" as you or she may want (color could fade to an unattractive hue.) Second, I would definitely check it out with the director of the play.

I'm not sure 11 is old enough to color hair, but I think it's not a big deal to allow for hair cuts and color experimentation while they are young, because they certainly won't get to do it when they're adults (unless you live in Berkeley, LOL.) One consideration: black hair color is VERY hard to come back from if you decide you don't like it (I know from personal experience and my hair isn't even blonde naturally.)

My 10 year old has ash blonde hair and has already told me she wants to try coloring her hair when I will let her. 13 is the decision I've come to (gives her something to look forward to!) And there will need to be negotiations of her taking care of her responsibilities in order to have these privileges.

I am the choreographer for the school musicals at my daughter and son's school. And frankly the plays at the school are considered "serious" - we conduct auditions and the musical is done in a real local theater with full lighting, sets, costumes, sound, PR, MTI licensed plays - the whole bit. It's very competative and the kids get into it quite a bit, which is great, most of the time. Therefore, most years we go through the same thing with hair color for various characters. We generally come back to the same suggestion - wigs. We did Annie last year and were able to rent the red curly hair wig from a local theater who had done Annie in years past. When we did "Oz" we used the spray on color because it does come out. I think you are right in thinking that the temporary rinse is too much at her age. Investigate local theaters/theater stores and see if you can find a wig that would be agreeable or give her the choice of the wig or spray on - be clear that the temporary wash is NOT one of the options. Wizard of Oz is a pretty common kids play so there might be more "lion stuff" out there to borrow or rent than you think. Just the other day, our school got asked to borrow the wheelchair we used for the character of FDR in Annie. If the borrowing doesn't work this year, perhaps it's an idea for next year?

My other question would be - what does the director think about all this? Myself and the director at our school would first not likely ever expect a temporary wash for any kid, let alone suggest it out loud to the kid(s) before speaking with the parents. If your director is like minded have him/her talk to your daughter and explain that if all the other kids have spray on and she has the wash that it will probably look funny and cause issues between the kids in the cast. Or perhaps the director could send home something telling you EXACTLY what he she wants each kid to have for their character - hopefully it will support your "no temporary wash" mantra. I hope this helps - stick to your guns. You're the mom!!