Getting Along with Kids in the Neighborhood

I don't have any advice but just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you and hope the little boy is ok.

hi K. i would seek the mom out, that way you will seem more remorseful. i would not let my kids go outside then if that other boy is out there. or have the whole family over for a dinner and get to know everyone.

Are you kidding me?? I do not think you should feel bad for yelling at a 10 yr old child that knocked down your son who is 5 yrs younger than him! It doesn't seem like his mom is that much better and that is probably where he gets his poor non empathetic attitude from! I do not think you should apologize and the mom didn't seem to apologize for her son's unacceptable and appauling actions that required your son to get STITCHES!!! I would really keep very limited contact with these neighbors and somehow figure out a nice or at least "PC way" of letting them know they are not welcome to come into your yard, etc. Sorry, but I find the neighbor's kid behavior absolutely unacceptable as well as his mother's response when your husband called her & you should not have to apologize for anything -- UGHHH!

I don't think an apology is warranted here. First you yelled at her son not her. If anything you embarrassed her for her lack of control on her son's behavior.(Not your fault) Plus did she make him apologize for the accident? Second you did nothing wrong. You would have yelled at him if he was running out in front of a car wouldn't you? So yelling at him for being wreckless is the same here. We have an issue similar here with a little girl and I find that going outside and listening to their chatter helps. I call her(neighbor) on any falsehood or misbehavior so my 4 1/2 doesn't get used, picked on or thinks that what she said/did is ok. I do it casually by questioning why she would say/do that and than suggesting a better way or that she was misinformed. It has kept me from having to totally ban her from our yard and keeps my daughter playing with her "friend".

Hi,

I don't have any advice for you regarding how to deal with the child or his mother, but I just wanted to say that I don't think it'd be wrong or inappropriate to apologize to the mother for the way you responded. I have noticed many people saying you had a right to be angry and for yelling at the child, so you don't need to apologize. I agree that you had EVERY right to be angry, and even for saying something to the child, but I don't think that means you shouldn't apologize for the WAY you talked to him. I think it can be phrased in a way to let the mom know you're apologizing for yelling, not for disciplining him, and not for being angry. It's a good way to model to your children that there is a right way to deal with things, and that anyone who chooses to handles things in the wrong way should apologize.

Anyway, I just wanted to encourage you in that.

Hi K.,
First, I would not apologize to the boy or the mom. Your response was to the act/moment. There is no need to keep fretting about it or bring it up.

Second, if the boys are coming into your front yard, that isn't fenced off, and taking toys when you are present, and you don't say something like 'please keep that in the yard', then you can't be mad if they take it to the street, and/or don't bring it back. If they are taking toys when you are not home, then either take all toys out of the front yard and/or call the police for theft.

Third, for the bike riding, it sounds like the 10 year old likes to play 'chicken'. One option would be to ask him to not play chicken with the 5 year old. That you are trying to help him become a better rider like the 10y and that game is making him not want to ride his bike. See if the 10y can help you teach the 5y about riding. If he doesn't care, then the only safe option is that when the 10y is out there, that your 5y stops riding. Don't make a big deal about it, just tell him to quietly stop riding and bring his bike into the yard. Hopefully the 10y old will get the point.
Good luck.
M.

I have read all the replies. she seems hostile. There is no way to work with someone like that.
You can go there and say "I am sorry that I yelled but I am still mad. Your son caused my son to get stitches. Since you do not seem to mind him riding with no brakes and risking future injury to my son again, the best we can do is peacefully ignore each other. My children are not allowed in your yard and yours are not allowed in mine. My children cannot take toys from your property and your sons cannot take anything from mine. I will take care of the doctor and hospital bill this time but if it happens again we will go to court."
I would not mention calling the authorities but if something happens again, I would call them. Unfortunately you might have to go to the trouble of doing a restraining order which seems RIDICULOUS for kids- but this is a bully and an uncaring parent. You cannot protect her kids but you can protect yours.

K.-

I think you were perfectly justified in disciplining the 10 yr. old. He deliberately caused harm to your 5 yr. old. Your poor son needed stitches! If either of my kids (ages 9 & 6) EVER did something on purpose to another child that caused that child serious bodily injury, I would hope that the child's mother would let them have it. Yes, the better option might have been to march him home and talk with his parents, but I don't think you were out of line in your approach either. I see no reason to apologize. You can certainly acknowledge that it may not have been the best way to handle the situation, but it was certainly justifiable given that your 5 yr. old had his head split open.

I am not a confrontational type of person either and I can usually let things go with other people's kids up to a point because I recognize that not everyone parents the same way and some people just have more lax standards of behavior and different priorities. I feel like my kids need the opportunity to figure out how to deal with others and to try and resolve their own conflicts. They'll have to do it as adults eventually. But when it comes to the physical well-being of your child you have to take a stand and simply not allow it and address it when it does happen. It may be that you will need to call a "conference" of sorts with the twins and your kids and clearly and straightforwardly lay out the rules of your house/yard. If they don't abide by the rules then you talk to the parents. If they are not receptive or blow you off or are ignorant, the kids do not come back on your property. I know you said the one twin doesn't really act up so if that's the case, the one that does misbehave isn't allowed back until he can better behave himself and respect you, your children and your property. Just because they are twins doesn't mean they are a package deal and you have to allow both or neither around your kids.

I know it's such an uncomfortable situation to be in. Your 5 year old should be just as free as any other kid to go out in the neighborhood and ride his bike. You might also consider videotaping the kids when they're out riding bikes. That way you have visual proof of what the 10 yr. old is doing to your 5 yr. old if you have to talk to the parents. I liked another posters suggestion of trying to enlist the help of the 10 yr. old in helping your 5 yr. old become a better bike rider. Something that simple could have a positive effect on the way the 10 yr. old sees the 5 yr. old.

Good luck to you!

K., those children to be banned from your yard. If they come in and steal (take is the nice word for it) and deliberately try to harm a 5 year old, they should not be allowed to enter your property. You can't ignore their behavior, because if you do then you are approving of it. And if the mother is upset that you yelled at her son for injuring your son, well, tough luck. If they allow him to ride an unsafe bicycle, then they have to put up with the consequences.

It sounds to me like this boy is a bully in the making. He picks on younger children and takes advantage of your good nature. He is not someone you will want your children associating with when he gets into middle school and moves further into the teen years. And his sibling is only a little better, if he/she does not respect the property of others. Your kids are better off in the long run not having them as friends.

Don't apologize, you did the correct thing. The other mother will just have to deal with it. Maybe she will learn to better parent her kids, but don't hold your breath.

hi K., i'm so sorry you have to deal with this. your home and its environs should be safe good places for your kids to stretch their wings, and having to put up with this is unpleasant and stressful.
if you choose to speak to the mother, an apology (ONLY for yelling at her kid, not for being upset) might be just the right ice-breaker to calmly and sympathetically lay out your talking points. we all know the 'no brakes' is pure BS, but if you let that slide and simply point out that your guy is little and you'd really appreciate her having her big guys be careful around him, that you know (yeah right) they're just having fun with the chicken thing but it's scaring him, and you'd really like to enlist her help in making it fun for everyone.....well, just maybe she'll come around.
it's a long shot, but a good one. if it works it could save much unpleasantness.
if she cuts you off or is rude, and the boys' behavior continues to involve them stealing your stuff and endangering your kid, then the next step would be contacting the authorities. no one wants trouble with neighbours, but you do have to draw the line somewhere and if you've done all you can do to settle it amicably, it may need to be escalated.
i hope not, though.
good luck!
khairete
S.

I think Jennifer K. has it right on the money! A ten year old child has no business bullying a five year old child, and I would absolutely ban the child from your yard and posessions. Tell the mother that her children are not respecting your rules and property, and are deliberately causing harm to your child, and that you will not tolerate this. This mother has no right to be angry that you yelled - if she isn't present to parent the child, then someone else has to, and if she doesn't care for other people reprimanding her children then she needs to step up. It sounds like you're not in the wrong in any way, and your kids don't need a lesson in being tolerant to behavior that causes them harm.

I suggest video taping their behavior in your yard and then showing that to their mother. It sounds like she just doesn't believe her kids are capable of malice.

Ugh, hard one. On one hand I feel like you should have exploded on the kid and should come unglued on the parents... but then, on the other hand... what are you trying to accomplish? You're justified in getting upset. You don't need us to tell you that. But are you trying to help the problem or escalate it? No doubt, there is a serious problem.

I think it may be helpful to think of the other family's situtation. Obviously something is wrong. Poor choices in parenting? Naturally troublesome spirit in the child? A need for attention? Broken home? Why the kid behaves this way isn't what you're trying to fix, but it could be useful in helping you find a way to constructively fix the situation. If the kid needs attention, he may be interested in showing your 5 yr old how to ride better. If it is a broken home, perhaps he is missing family time or maybe his parents aren't supportive and labelled him trouble and assume he'll misbehave but don't want to deal with him. Maybe ask him what he likes to play?

This all seems perhaps a little too deep and silly, but I really think that confronting people in a hostile and accusing manor will only make them defensive and unlikely to work with you. The mother knows her child is a problem, she doesn't need you to point out her short comings or the child's in order to know that. He's probably trouble at school too.

I don't see anything wrong with talking to the mother and laying out your worries. Simply saying something like... "You know, I wish I had been calmer when I spoke to your son but I was so upset my child was hurt so bad. I know accidents happen, but it seems we're having a few too many accidents and rough play. I think the difference in age is really hard to work with. Do you know anything that could help the kids play better together? I don't want to always have to worry about little Johnny playing outside."

If the mother isn't receptive, then maybe you need to make it a little more clear. Video taping the activity is a great way to sit down with the older boy and discuss his behavior. Maybe the parents could be there, if they are not supportive, maybe you'd rather they not be there.

Also, I think it is your responsibility to set the rules for your toys and your property. When the kids are on your property, they should abide by your rules. It's not so much the mother's fault if her kids are misbehaving right under your nose and you don't do anything about it. We have a rule, if you're at our house, you abide by our rules. I don't care if it's different at your house. Act differently there. If you don't like my rules, you can play elsewhere. My children are young (3 and 5) so our rules are usually silly things like sit properly in your seat (no standing), don't get up from the table till I say it is ok, no hitting, no throwing toys, etc. So far, I've been able to choose the people we play with and the parents have been respectful and responsible. Our neighborhood kids seem to be pretty good too.

If the kids take toys from your yard, simply say, this is a toy that stays in our yard. If you want to play with it, you may play here. If you want to borrow it, you need to ask my permission. That also gives you the ability to send the child out of your yard if they are misbehaving, thus leaving the toy behind. Also, always bring your toys in at night. I personally think that is a nice thing to do for your neighbors (so your house looks tidy) and it keeps your toys where you expect them to be. You will have to monitor these children while your youngest is outside.

Is it just the 5 yr old boy they bother? How does your 10 year old react? What about the other children? Consider, if you tell the kids positive, reassuring and constructive things, they'll enjoy the praise. If the troublesome child is playing nicely, praise him and thank him for his efforts. Praise all the kids when they are getting along. Try to create a fun game where they can all play, like freeze tag. We play it where 1 or 2 kids are the freezers and the youngest ones are the unfreezers. That way they have still targets to run after and they are very much appreciated by the frozen players. Everyone has an important role and everyone can participate to their own ability. Get the parents involved. Invite the other children's parents to play too so maybe it can be a fun family/friend building activity. Try to play once a week and the kids will no doubt LOVE it.

Good luck to you. I hope some of this helps. I hope your situation turns around quickly. Just remember, the other family knows something isn't right. They probably would appreciate you being creative to help them with their problem instead of accusing them of screwing up.

Take care,
Liz

p.s. No brakes on the bike... are they having financial problems? That is a VERY unsafe toy. What mother would allow that who feels she has the means to fix it? Perhaps if you see a similar sized bike on CraigsList or a consignment shop, you could mention to her that you saw this incase she is interested. Or see what is involved with getting the brakes fixed and see if you or your husband can offer some help (without making them feel like a charity case, of course). If it is a do at home job, maybe you could talk your husband into trying to fix it. The kid may think you guys are fairy god parents and change his attitude!!! Feeling valued and cared for is so valuable.

Wow, this is a tough one. We try to teach our children to respect others and hope that other moms do the same. B/c of the age difference, I would probably sit outside while your 5 yr old is out playing with them. Sometimes the close proximity of an adult is enough to keep bullies in line. Is there any chance your 10 & 9 yr old could use positive peer pressure? While my 5 yr old is often mean to her 3 yr old sister, she'll jump right in to defend her against our 7 yr old neighbor.
I'm a bit surprised that the mother used an excuss as to why it happened and then found fault in you. Given, we all tend to defend our kids, I'd have thought she would have apoligized. B/c of her behavior, I doubt she is as prudent in teaching her children tolerance and respect.
Good luck!!

This is partly why children now have very little respect for adults. That mother should not get mad at you for yelling at her son. He sounds like a little bad a** who needs someone to discipline him. I would not apologize, but rather explain to that mother why you were upset with her son.

There probably will not be much you can do about this unruly child though. When you are dealing with a parent who doesn't parent, all you can do is teach your own child to do what is right and he will eventually not want to play with the boy in the neighborhood anyway.

Good luck! And I hope your little one is doing better!
K.

K.,

I feel for you, and honestly, admire your restraint! I can't believe the other mother would not have been more apologetic -- her kids are bullying and harmed your child!
Kids can be cruel.

All power to you!

You have every right to be upset. I'd wash my hands of them. If they can't play nice, then they can't play at all.
And definitely speak up about coming into your yard and playing with / taking your toys. Not only is it disrespectful, if something happened to one of them, you could be found at fault! (screwy, but that's the system.)

Stand up. We're thinking of you!

I would briefly--very briefly--apologize for yelling, and then calmly nail her on the brakes issue. "I'm concerned about my son playing outside if you're letting your child ride a bike with no brakes. Isn't that really dangerous??" Then she either has to deal with that issue, or she says, well, no, he did have brakes, and you say, "Oh, I see. So he COULD have stopped, but didn't." And then wait to let her respond.

The rule in these situations is not trying to control the other person (who sounds clueless, at best) but to tell them what you plan to do in the future--i.e., her kids are banned from your yard, etc. Whatever rules you see fit. You cannot pour sense into other peoples' heads--all you can do is draw your own boundaries and not let them take advantage of you.

Are you outside with your children when they are outside? I would be out there with them, and if the boys start to be disrespectful flat out tell them to stop. Let your youngest play in an area out of the way (if bikes are involved), and if those boys try to ride too closely to him, tell them to get away from him. If the 5 year old is riding his bike, tell them to stop swirving towards him. If their parents are not going to be around to tell them what is appropriate, I feel that as it is your children being disrespected, you have the right to. If that doesn't stop it, I would have a talk with the mom (which I can't see being too helpful), and let her know what is going on. Also, let these boys know that they are not allowed to come in your yard and take your toys. Be blunt! Their mom was when talking to your husband!
K.