Getting My Husband to Help...

I was going through something similar with my husband and honestly I was feeling very resentful towards him. The only way to resolve it is to talk about it. He has to know how you're feeling. It's difficult to expect one person to be responsible for so much. You can email me privately if you need someone to talk to.

B.

ONe of 2 ways may work--#1--narate what you do & what you want him to do--"I'm going to put these in the washer--can you go pick her up for a little while???" ---or---try the opposite--only do things for you & the baby--DON'T do his laundry--DON'T pick up after him--DON'T cook for him ect. ect.
About him going out--suggest you BOTH go out once a week--he goes out once a week--& you go out once a week---see what he thinks of that!!!

Yeah, wish i had some advice. some sage words of wisdom being i'm an older mother. but men are pretty much useless when it comes to helping out. My dh doesn't help much at all either. My son is 19 months old, and my dh has yet to change a diaper, get up with the baby on the weekends so i can sleep in a bit, doesn't feed him, or bathe him or put him to bed. nothing i am left to do it all with my other chores as well. Right now, is the baby's nap time, and he isn't sleeping, he is playing in his crib, is my dh doing anything about it?? no, he is sitting in the living room eating lunch 2 hrs after lunch time, while i get up and down from writign this post to go put hte baby back down again. Sorry, maybe i'm not hte best person to speak to, cause right now, i'm about livid with my dh cause of his refusal to help. All i can say it talk to him, tell him what you expect him to do, tell him that this is his baby too, and it is time to act like a grown up.
B.

congrads. 1] you stop cooking his dinner
2] you stop washing his close
3] you hand him his baby and you go to the groc, store by your self
4] on the weekends when he is off work he will get up and help with his baby at night
5] give him a hug and a kiss and say " it is a big load off your shoulders when you help me take care of the baby WE made together".
stop it now before it gets out of hand xoxoxoxoxo

Hello...congrats for your little angel,I am sorry for what you're going thru, well my expirience, when we had our first baby girl, he did help me a lot, but as time went by, he change, he was working 2 jobs, so I did understand him, but we got in better situation, he was workin just one shift, day time
he did had a lot time in th afternoon, for my little one, but , not he just keep sleeping all day long, weekends the same thing, and i would tell him, baby can you help me w the baby, he would sey I'm tired, so i let him, i got my 2 baby a girl too, and the same thing, he heelp at first, but then thing change, and i started to get upsad, then i rully start telling him, you have to help me their your daughters too, not just mine, he would listen for a few days and back to the same thing, we have had very big fits, I ask for divorce a few times, but he does not want that, I love him, still, and maybe thats what keeps me going, he helps me more often now, cause, i told him if you keep doing that, I will divorce you, i know he loves us he is rully a good men, but when it cames to help , he doesn't help to much, he is rully trying, so that counts.
I wish you all the best for you and your princess, be strong, and don't let him drive you the way he wants, it is no faer.
God bless you.
G.

Unfortunately I can't offer much help because I am in the same situation. I did everything for my daughter and she was colic too. It wasn't until my daughter turned 1 yr old and I was pregnant that my husband actually would take turns with me getting up at night with her when she was teething or sick. I tried for so long to do everything for her and actually I loved it but the pregnancy made staying up most of the night every difficult especially since I was working too. (I went back to work when my daughter turned 3 mths old). Not only do I work and take care of a 17mth old while being 7 mths pregnant but I clean, cook and do all of the laundry. My husband will go over to his parents after work and play video games with his dad and go out with our neighboors on the weekend drinking while I take care of our daughter. At least one day on the weekend he either goes golfing or surfing and I have her for the day to myself. Personally I would like more help at home cleaning etc and I wish he would grow up a little. I am not into going out and drinking because then I am too tired the next day to spend time with my daughter. I love every moment with her and actually enjoy having one day during the weekend alone with her. What really changed things at least we will have to see for how long was when my daughter cries when he holds her and wants me. My husband took her out of the crib last Tuesday night because she was crying so bad and she would not stop crying with him. She kept saying "I want my momma". He got so bad that he slammed the door and said I spoil her that is why she likes me more. I told him the facts that it is because I am always there for her and spend time with her. I take her to every doctor's appt, pick her up and drop her off at daycare, make her dinner, I am there everytime she hurts herself etc. That Thursday when he didn't have work for the first time he took her for the day, normally he will go golfing and hang out with his dad but he actually took her. I am hoping this has forced him to take a hard look at his parenting but it might only be temporary. The only thing my husband does on a regular basis is the bath. Bath time is his only bonding time with our daugher and it took me getting pregnant to get that relief. I feel bad for you and I hope your situation is different from mine. My husband and I tried for 7 yrs to have our daughter I really thought he would be the perfect father but there is no way to tell how someone will be in a situation until they are actually there. It might be that your husband is afraid of the baby being fragile or he might just be like my husband and the husbands in our neighboorhood who do little with their children. I love my husband and I have thought about leaving him over this because I want more for my daughter but the best thing for my daughter is to have both parents in the same household. My husband;s idea of watching our daughter is sticking her in her play room and going to watch tv. I don't know if things will change with a second baby but I am hopeful. Anyways, if you need someone to talk to please feel free to e-mail me. Good luck and congratulations with the baby!

Congratulations on your daughter!
My husband didn't want to help out after I went back to work when our daughter was 3 months old. After a few weeks of taking care of her in the evenings and all the feedings at night, I couldn't handle it anymore. I reminded him that I did not sign up to be a single mother. After a long talk about needing help and how I was going crazy and needed some help or I was going to snap, he finally agreed to get up for feedings at night and would try to become more active with our daughter.
What we worked out was that we would take 2 hour shifts after work, so I could get time to clean and cook. With the shifts bathtime was split so one of us didn't ended up with it all the time. With the night feedings we switched as well, first one would get up that night then the next. This was such a relief so I was able to get more than 3hrs of sleep at night.
It helped talking to him but he still wasn't as involved with our daughter as I liked but I figured it was better than nothing.

I hope it all works out for you!

You could tell him that you support him having an outlet to de-stress but your frustrated because you feel you don't have that outlet because you have your daughter 24/7 (and going to sleep doesn't count). Let him know how it makes you feel to be left with everything parenting is not a part-time job and it takes a commitment from both parents. If he knows that going out after work with friends gets you upset why does he continue doing it? You need to feel that he's putting your family first.

You could always tell him that if everything is going to be your job that you could be just as misirable doing it by yourself and collecting allimony and child support checks from him...lol Keep your chin up men don't understand that it's a full time job I think the only man who does is Dr. Phil..lol

take care and good luck
Kirsty

Hi J.,

Do you both have any friends or family that are close to you? One suggestion would be maybe have grandma or an aunt come by and watch the baby so you and your husband can have an hour or two to catch up.I am a mother of 2 and 1 on the way in May 2007. I know my share of mommy duty, but the only way we learned not to argue and to share what rightfully he created too was to be open with one another and take advantage of any opportunity to have 1 on 1 time together. Another suggestion would be, when he's sitting down watcing TV go sit next to him, with your baby. Play with her or just caress her and make him feel inside the need to do the same. Oddly enough all men are different, some can handle being a first time dad and others shy away from their responsibilities. You just need to be open and honest, in a nice way, talk to him an explain your needs and then ask him for his. COMMUNICATION IS KEY, You will soon realize if you both are ready for this and each other. One more sense of advise, don't give in if he gives you a pitty party. Make him understand you. Hope this helps.

Take Care,
S. 28 year old mommy of 2 (and 1 coming) Bradenton

Hi J., I went and still am going through what you are. I had a c-section when our son was born (8-26-05). My hubby doesn't help me out much either. I also am the one to feed and bath our son. He does play with him sometimes. It's hard to try and keep a house clean while dealing with a baby. Now for me, my son is soo active that it's hard to do anything. Some days he gets so fussy that all he wants is for me to hold him. If you ever need to talk or vent feel free to email me: ____@____.com

You are in a very hard situation. My boyfriend worked when my baby was born and he helped with everything, my baby is now almost 2yrs old and we still do everything 50/50 even thouh i just recently started being a stay at home mom. I'm not trying to bragg, all i'm saying is that if my boyfriend can do it so can your husband. Maybe you can have him stay with the baby on a saturday for the whole day without you there, so he can really understand what is like to stay at home with a baby. Also it would help if you can get a family member or a babysitter to take care of the baby once in a while so you and your hubby can have some time to yourselves and you can explain to him how draining it is to be with the little all day and that it would be easier to spend more quality time with him if he helped a little with the baby or with the house chores. My friend had the same problem that you have with her husband and it took alot of long talks and almost a whole year for him to finally understand where she was coming from and change. I hope you hubby won't take as long because i know first hand how it draining it is to take care of a little one. Just remember it gets easier once they start sleeping through the nite or at least sleeping 6 hrs straight.
best of luck.

It looks like you are getting alot of advise, some I would agree with (ie, stop it now before it gets worse, but prepare for the worst)

Here is my little soap box for you. Cortni is lucky to have 2 parents. Please try not to argue in front of her. She may only be 2 months old, but she will pick up on the tone of your voices.

I sure hope it all turns out well with you. One of the turning points with my husband and I was when he took a job where he's off Mon and Tue. So we thought Great! Save on daycare. Now he's finding out it ain't that easy. Hubby's are just inherently lazy. Maybe you should talk to his MOM !!!!

Wow! I guess sometimes men just don't get it. I am a stay at home mom with a 4 month old and my husband works about 12 hours a day. When he gets home...finally, I just tell him he's on duty. He has been very understanding, most of the time the house isn't clean, dishes, etc. When he takes over I have time to clean. We discussed all of this before my daughter was born. My advice...try to talk to him, tell him your feelings. It is important that he knows your daughter needs both of you to be there. My husband and I realized after we had Emily that life is no longer about us...it's about her. Your baby needs to see both of you taking care of her, she needs to bond with her daddy too! Having Emily changed everything...we don't go out like we used to and we like it that way. Maybe try to have him spend a whole day with her (without you) and maybe he will get what it takes to do your job. Well, good luck and you can feel free to contact me again!

J., it seems as almost every married mother can relate to you. That alone might help you to realize your guy is just that, a "guy." So just remember you are not alone, but neither is he. I deal with the very same thing. I have two children and I am "a machine" as my husband calls me because I do everything. Here is how I looked at it- when I was home with the kids, that was my job. My husband worked very long hours and got home an average of 7:00 at night and worked all Saturday's and some Sunday's. He also works a very physical job. So, instead of having him to take over when he gets home we set different rules. Example: If your husband goes out two nights a week with the guys for a drink, then he obviously feels that he needs the relief and relaxation from working so hard. Well, vice versa! So what you can ask is for him to pick his one night a week to get his relief and "you will take care of the baby for him" and you get to pick your one night a week and "he will take care of the baby for you" so that you can get your relief. Some guys it is not so easy, so if he does not take to this, he may have the misconception that being a mother is not so hard. My husband used to always say, you get to nap during the day, sit inside the AC, yadda yadda yadda. He did not truely understand what all it entailed. So maybe you can set something up for a weekend (as hard as it will be to be away from your baby)maybe get invited to go out of town or something with a friend or family member. Let him keep the baby for two days and see what parenting is really like.
Number one is you need to talk to him. Let him know what you are feeling and ask him how he feels about the situation. Does he feel that your job is not hard? Does he feel that his job is harder and he should not have to pitch in for that reason? Try to get him to talk about it that way you know what it is you need to fix. Here's the thing though, this will not change overnight. It will do the he helps for a little while then back to same ole' until you talk again. Again, he is a GUY, it was bred in him.:)Just really talk, talk, talk! Talk, don't crab or yell or be rude! Try to focus on what you do and how you need help, not what he DOESN'T DO! When you focus on his downfalls, that's when his walls come down and hears not one word you say after that. Also, make sure you take advantage of those daily naps, they really will help you not feel so overwhelmed. I know there are other things to be done, but what is more important, your sanity and marriage or the housework that can wait until the next day or two? Hope this helps and hang in there. Just remember, this is normal and if you just have patience and long suffering you guys will eventually come to some kind of arrangement that you both are okay with.

Hi,
unfortunatly, all too many of us have been-there-done-that.

The only advise I can give is to communicate with your husband. ASK HIM if he's shy from the baby: many, many men are. With all 3 of my kids, my very loving husband did not bond until each was about a year. He's just nervous around babies. I took advantage of that time to really, really bond with my babies. I cherished every moment and looked at it like I was the lucky one... He was missing out on so much. Not many men understand that.

Try to look at the positive in everything. Life's too short to complain and look at what's wrong in life. You have a healthy baby and are fortunate in so many ways. Marriage is rarely ever "50/50".

I put all my focus on my children. Yes, my husband complains about the house not being "perfect", dinner being late, etc, etc... and it tends to hurt my feelings from time to time... but in the long run, he understands that only *I* can give our kids what they need... not a nanny.

If your husband is not willing to help, or to get a maid once/twice a week, then he will just have to be willing to live with the result. So what if the dishes wait, or the laundry piles up, or the dinner is late? And, if you're too tired for intimacy, he'll soon get the point!

Don't attact him with "you don't do this" and "you don't do that".... Simply do what you need to do for you and the baby.

If he's out drinking with the guys, put the baby in your bed. He'll either have to sleep on the couch ... or deal with a crying baby in the middle of the night (cover your ears and let the baby get on HIS NERVES!) I know this sounds cruel, but you won't have to do it much...

Remember, at least you have a husband. Single moms have to do all you're doing, PLUS more. Don't push your husband to the point of not wanting to come home.

Best of luck to you!

J.,

Sounds like you have LOTS of communicating to do with your husband. I am no pro, but I learned something very useful in a Communications course through college. When talking to someone always use "I" Language. For example don't say "You are lazy and don't help." Instead, say something like "I feel as if you don't want to help out with our daughter, is something wrong?" I hope this helps at least a little.

J. C.

When my daughter was born, I did everything because my husband worked all day. I even slept in the babies room. I figured two tired parents would be deadly to our marriage. About every six weeks my husband took the baby all night. I took naps during the day when the baby napped.

You guys have to figure out some sort of an agreement. If it was agreed that you stay home after the birth and he go to work, then that is the agreement.

I have done both, children and job, to me, a job is easier than being a new mother, cook, bottle washer, etc. So have a heart to heart and work it out in a manner that both of you can agree. DO NOT FIGHT OR ARGUE, THAT IS THE WORST STRAIN WITH A NEW BABY AND TWO PARENTS FIGHTING. Don't do it.

Pick a safe time for this heart to heart, and sort it out.

D.

The first few months after our son was born, my husband and fought more than in the other 7 years combined! Same thing, the first few weeks he was a great help, then it stopped. Then, to help eliminate daycare charges, he got permission to work at home two days a week. After that, things got better! He was so exhausted after a day of taking care of Dylan that he had new respect for me. I'm not saying your husband can do that, but it goes along the lines of leaving him on full duty by himself for periods of time. My husband said that hands down, taking care of our son at home was MUCH harder than going to work for the day. He needs to experience that. I also want to say that doing this will also make for great bonding between the two of them. My son is now just as close to daddy and he is to me because dad has taken care of him so much. If your husband won't agree to do that, then stop the dishes, laudry etc... Just do what you need to get by with taking care of your daughter. When things start piling up and he makes a comment, just say you can't do everything. The very annoying problem I have is just like another person said, I have to tell my husband specifically what to do. If i don't say anything, he watches TV. I have to say, please do the dishes, laundry, whatever.
To help prevent fights, try talking to him after you have calmed down. Don't yell at him in the heat of the momement. Wait until bedtime, baby is asleep and you have taken a hot shower. Then calmly tell him how overwhelmed you are. And most of all, you are not alone! Why is that?? Must be genetics. good luck!

Hi J.,

I feel your pain. It is strange how guys just assume that all the responsibility lies with mom. Are you nursing, if not, then you may just hand over the bottle and the baby to him, when you are busy cooking or cleaning. Let him rest for a while after he comes home, but after that, you can nicely (I know it is hard when you are getting furious inside) ask him to take over the baby -- Honey .. can you please feed the baby .. Oh!! she looks so comfy with you .. My husband hardly touched the babies other than showing off ..
Also, slowly make him incharge of at least two feedings -- May be one at 8 PM, and one at 6 AM, or whatever works for you, so you can have at least 3 to 4 hours of staright shut eye.
I gave laundry to fold to my hubby when he was watching TV (Made him upset .. But it needs to get done .. ). If you can still talk to him, ask him what he can help with and give him concrete tasks .. so you both know who is responsible for that.
Do you have any family closeby, his mother, sister ... may be ask then to come and bond with the baby . .and give you a break.
I hope he understands and start helping you out soon.

I'm gonna say ditto to what Brenda said....Go out for some time by yourself, hours, and let him see how it is. He will have a new awe for what you do. Plus the bonus is you get some time to yourself, go meet some friends for lunch and shopping, just get out for a little while. You have to get the communication rolling now because it will only get worse once your newborn becomes mobile and you are chasing a toddler around all day instead. I have to have regular talks with my husband when he slacks off, and then I take me time to remind him that what I do is not easy. You will probably have to be specific with him as well. My husband I can't just expect him to know the living room has to be picked up, I have to ask him to do it.

Good luck.

Hi J. -

Congrats on the arrival of Cortni! When I read your dilemma to my husband and read some of the MANY similar responses, he said that he wasn't surprised that your husband wasn't keen on helping you with the baby and that he especially wasn't surprised that MOST men in general don't help out in the early stages of childrearing. His explanation: men are conditioned to be providers and women are conditioned to be nurturers. While that may be true, human beings aren't locked into an instinctual mold that can't be broken...we have logic and common sense and most of all, initiative and sensitivities if we so choose to use them.
Unfortunately, when it comes to caring for babies men seem to be in short supply of these characteristics.

My husband cared for my two older kids for the first six months of their lives. HE was the one who stayed at home with them while I worked, and he did a great job. He was a Marine, so he applied very structured feeding and sleeping schedules that worked very well with my kids. Of course, when I got home, I turned things all around with the excitement of seeing them after hours of being apart. :)

Now that I'm staying home with the kids and I have a newborn in the mix too, I'm handling most of the childcare and household duties, and I'm fine with that. I actually prefer doing these things myself and teaching my kids to help out when they can than having my husband come in and potentially disrupt our routine with HIS way of doing things. That's a big point to remember too...teach Cortni as early as possible how to help you with your chores so that when the next baby comes along, she'll actually be a help to you and not a hindrance. Both of my kids have little chores to do around the house, and while they're still learning how to do them well, they've learned the value of responsibility and now these chores are just part of their daily routines. My kids are VERY independent and self-sufficient, and that alone has helped to free up some "ME" time where I can actually read and do my writing.

I do gently remind my husband from time to time that he needs to have some clue of what it is I do from day-to-day and how I do it just in case (God forbid) something happens to me and I am not around. I've seen some of the other moms' responses and how they're advising you to take the bossy road with your husband...uh, WRONG! No man likes to be nagged and if you take that approach, he'll almost be justified in staying out with his friends for more drinks because who wants to come home to a nag? Take the gentle approach and share your feelings with your husband...don't whine or nag him about them.

While I give my husband credit for knowing how to do the chores and take care of the kids (after all, he did it before), he still needs to know some of the more "Mommy" things I do with the kids like doing crafts, singing songs and reading books at bedtime, taking them on special adventures to the zoo, parks, museums, etc. These things are just as important (if not more) as the physical part of taking care of them and the household. Because he's a sensible man and because he loves me and kids, he's open to learning these things and I'm very grateful.

The bottom line is that your husband needs to become sensitive to your needs at this time, especially since you're still healing, and he needs to actually HELP with some of the things you do since that's the only way he's ever going to gain confidence in that area.

If he ever says that doing your work is not "man" enough for him, tell him about my husband. He's 6'3, a former Marine, muscular, intelligent, accomplished, knows how to take care of his children and the household, and most importantly will actually DO so when I need the help. THAT is the mark of a real man in my book.

Blessings to you and yours.

I am not sure how to get your husband to help. Mine had togrow up a little first before he would help with the kids but I am going to tell you about something else. You should be really carefull about your health durning this time. SOmehitng that helped me while I was going through this was a depression medicine. You may want to talk to your doctor about it. This medicine is usually temporary and will give you a booste. LOts and Lots of women are doing it and have found that it helps alot with mothers who have babies. THere is nothing to be embarrassed of. It is very common. Your good mental health is the best thing you can do for your child during this time. And taking on every thing that you said you are taking on sounds very trying.

ABout your husband... Well I am natrally bossy so I would just right up a schedule for him and TELL him (Not ask) what he is going to do. He might get attitude but oh well. I would tell him we are both working and I AINT doing it all! But that is just me. Your going to get through this and I will tell ya, it does get easier so hang in there and good job!

C.

J. R, first congrad's on your new baby girl. second take time to bond with your daughter and enjoy that time.men at times think we as moms are super women and they dont stop to think we get tired to,i would say honey this is all new to me too and i really want to say i can do this by my self but if that was the case i would not of married any one i would of just got pregnant and not told the father but since we choose to do this together im asking for help cause im really tired it takes more time to heal than this.and then invite him to the dr with you to let the dr explaine the healing process to him so he can see what you are going thrue at this time.then again he might be feeling rejected because of the new baby. you might want to involve him in the care of her lots more than now ,like be helpless at times state your not feeling well so he has to spend more time with her and around the house doing the things he exspects you to do ,after 3 days of that he will realize your job is hard maybe he will become more helpful with your needs. men are a little hard headed but they learn to understand with time your marriage is still new so dont give up keep your head up things will get easier. before my husband i had 2 children by my self i had the mommy part the cook house cleaning and full time job 1 part time job and went to school. its not impossible just hard but as women we are very strong we can be super women but its nice to have the support of our husband witch now i have with my children almost grown.take a night out get a sitter and you and your hubby go out 1 night just to remind him how important he is in your life as well. good luck sweety youll do well cause your a mom now.D. k

Just wanted to add one more "you are not alone" comment. My hubby is pretty much the same way. He is a great guy, works very hard while I stay at home, but seldom helps with anything around the house. The good news, I guess, is that the older our girls get the more he takes them out for alone time with him. They are 6 and 3 now and love to play in the yard, go fishing, etc. with him and leave mom at home for glorious alone time! I agree with the others though, just talk to him. Make sure it is when you are both calm and relaxed, not as soon as he walks in the door from work. And always focus on what it is you need, not what you feel like he isn't doing. It really helped me to just say, "I need help with..." instead of things like "you never help with...." I'm sure it isn't that he wants you to be overwhelmed, it's just that he sees home stuff as your job since he works outside the home. For me, this was the agreement we made, I would take care of household and kids, he would go to work. The difference is that he gets a break from work, most of us moms never get a break from home and kids so explain that to him, that you need off time also. If you keep talking to him about how you feel, hopefully he will get it and start pitching in a little.

Congrats. Motherhood is a wonderful thing, i have been in your shoes before. my husband and i have a 5 year old girl now. He was helpful at first and then slacked off. I had to sit him down one night and let him know how i felt. i told him i fel;t like i was a single mother but i was married. It took 2 to make the baby and it takes 2 to care for a baby. Let him know that you need time to yourself, you cant do everything by yourself. he should understand. they do get better as the baby grows up but right now he needs to bond with her, if not then he will lose out. my husband is making up for that. when our daughter was litte she didnt want anything to do with him because he was always busy with other things. she still has a hard time being alone with him or spending time with him.
If you want to talk
____@____.com
good luck
S.

J.,

I know exactly how you feel! I have a 1yr old and a 2yr old. which means just when I thought I couldn't take it any more I found out I was pregnant again. I felt very insecure and slightly depressed. I finally got to the point where I would have my purse and keys in my hand the second my husband got home and explain to him that if I didn't get out of the house for an hour I was going to lose it. I would go to Target and just stroll around feeling guilty the whole time, wondering what he and the baby were doing. Then it got easier and I actually enjoyed getting some shopping done as well as a minute to myself. He may not take care of the baby as well as you do but I am certain the he and your daughter will be just fine. One piece of advice don't say things to him that make him feel like he is not "doing it right" Let him figure out his way of taking care of her even if it is not your way. Also to ease the guilt of getting out of the house you could prepare him a nice little dinner with a nice glass of beer and a little love note that also explains how you are feeling and how much you need his help. You may have to give examples like wash the dishes or do the laundry...The best way for him to get a clue is to let him watch the baby for an entire day. Maybe you need to take a Saturday and go shopping for a new outfit or go het your hair done...or both let him figure it out. He probably is feeling insecure about his parenting ability but as he bonds with your daughter more, it will get easier. I noticed it took my husband a little longer to actually form a bond with my daughter then it did with my son, of course he loved her but the connection took some time and now forget about it she has him wrapped around his little finger. In fact my husband is now to the point where he is telling me how to take care of the kids as if he finally figured it out and his way is the best way...it's kinda funny! Good luck, the key is to feel good about yourself and make sure he understands how you are feeling. If you are the "hold it all in" kind you better find a way to communicate because guys don't get it sometimes until you spell it out for them. He probably is not keeping distance to hurt you he just needs some help figuring it out. When you can, save the bath time for him, let him get her dressed, let him give her a bottle...Tell him you need to go lay down for awhile even if you don't need to at least you can shut your brain off for awhile and allow him to take control. I noticed when I went back to work that the drive to work was awesome it was "me time" I didn't have to think about what anyone else needed even my high stress job seemed like cake after staying home with the kids for 2 yrs. Guys take forgranted all the free me time they have-"take" yours when you can. If you are not happy and refreshed how can you take care of your family. At least for now you are the backbone of your family and you need to make sure your needs are being met---communicate and get creative! (let him feel in control so he will take some ownership in this process)
C.

GIRLIE, IF YOU ARE BREASTFEEDING AND YOUR HUSBAND IS HOME-FEED THE BABY AND GO OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIENDS FOR A COUPLE HOURS. IF YOUR BABY IS FORMULA FED---TAKE THE WHOLE DAY FOR YOURSELF. LEAVE YOUR CELL PHONE ON INCASE HE NEEDS YOU, OR GIVE HIM YOUR PARENTS NUMBER. YOU NEED SOMETIME FOR YOURSELF TO RELAX, AND IT WOULD BE AN EYEOPENER FOR YOUR HUB.

ITS NOT THAT YOU WANT REVENGE, YOU JUST NEED HIM TO UNDERSTAND HOW EXTREMELY HARD THIS CAN BE.

Please do not get upset with this e-mail. I am trying to help you because I was in a similar situation with my ex.

He sounds so similar to my now ex-boyfriend. He was there when it was convenient for him to be there. According to my ex (& his mother), it was the woman's job to take care of the house, children, bills, etc while the man worked. He didn't feel comfortable holding a baby and didn't know what to do were his excuses when it came to him having to help with our daughter. I told him that he won't feel comfortable or know what to do until he actually does something. I don't want to sound critical but the best thing I did was leave him (not saying that you should) but if he won't help now, do you think he will help later? You have set yourself up because you have already started doing everything for him, so why would he change? Sure, he showed her off, talked about to all his friends, but when it came down to it, he didn't want to help because I already was doing everything, why should he?

Here is one of my stories: My ex works in the car business so he works long hours. I was understanding at first until the weekend of the 4th of July (our daughter was 7 months). They had a big car sale (Midnight madness-open 9am-12 midnight Friday through Sunday). Well, the first night (Friday)he called about 1:30am saying that he was on his way home. He didn't come home until 3:30am. When he got home, the dogs started barking, waking up our daughter (who had an ear ache and cold-aka battle to get the baby to sleep). I was asleep and was hoping that since he doesn't see her much, he would pick her up and rock her. NOPE! He comes and wakes me up to take care of her because he was to work a 16 hour shift in the morning. I got upset and told him that he should have thought about that before he went out drinking with his friends when he has a family to take care of at home. Well, after he went to work Saturday morning, he didn't come home until Monday (4th of July) afternoon even though his work was closed that day. He expected me to keep our family outing on even though his daughter didn't mean enough to come home to, let alone pick her up and rock her. I moved out that Wednesday. Sure, we tried to work things out but until recently, I had hope for us. That was until he said that his job is more important to him than his family. I told him that my daughter is more important than he was and have not talked to him since. He has not tried to contact me either. It has been over a month now. Another hit for him was when he said he couldn't give me any money to pay for hospital bills because he had to pay his attorney and bail bondsman. (He got into a DUI accident and his friend was killed.) If he was paying child support, I would get that money regardless.

I am just trying to help you see what may be in the future. I am not judging you nor him. I apologize if this offends you but the best thing I did for my daughter was to leave him. Please take this with an open mind. I am especially happy that my daughter is only 22 months so she really does not know what is going on. All she knows is that Mommy loves her and makes things better.

Please be careful. Always look at your options and keep them open. Never settle for anything less than you deserve. And don't make excuses for him. He is trying to show you his true colors but will you observe them and act on them? You can't make someone want something that they don't want for themselves. The worst thing you could do is force him to be something that you want and that he chooses not to be. Best of luck. If you want to talk, I am willing to listen.

~K.

Well I'm not amrried or anything but I have read and heard that men need to feel needed or part of the mommy baby relationship. Guys are big selfish baby's as we all should know! But try and find something that will tye him into the sceme of things. And some guys are so scared of the little things that they just kinda stay out of the way. But fighting over it isn't goin to fix squat, only push him further away. There are books out for new dad's that may give him a way to be more connected. Good Luck & best wishes

L.

This is a hard one. I have to be specific with my husband- tell him exactly what chore to do... same story almost, different man. Men just don't like to help. Tell him you are getting one night for yourself since he goes out. Then leave him with baby for a couple hours, at least get some destress time. But don't expect the house to be perfect when you return. Good luck.

Wow! Sounds just like me but he was just the boyfriend. I am your age. I honestly don't know what to say but what I wish I could've done different to get him to understand is: to understand that he was extremely new at this (I mean never held a child let alone help care for one), BE PATIENT, we did counseling and it didn't help him but maybe it'll help you, NEVER BE UPSET and go to bed with that on your chest, remember everyday is a new day, show him you care and are willing to help show him what he may or may not know....replying to you is scareing me. What I did and it kind of help a little was (without endangering the child of course) was....put the baby in his hands or lap and go in the room lock the door and went to sleep. I let "his" laundry pile up, I bought what the baby and I needed ONLY and let the house work go but made sure everything I needed for the baby was clean of course, I cooked for me and the baby and so on and so on...he got the picture and came to me one day and said, What do you want me to do? I basically ignored his needs all while being nice and polite but he helped...though he started to slack off a little after a week, it helped. Another point is maybe write a letter exactly to what you wrote here and give it to him (throw in some tears and a little sobbyness, that may help). I really enjoyed responded to you, it actually made me feel nice so take care and cherish what you have.
T.

Sorry to hear this. You still need time to recover and adjust to life with a little one. It's constantly changing and so will both your and your husband's behavior. Men, as we all know, have a harder time expressing themselves. They get scared when they realize they're in charge of a whole little person. They tend to think along the lines of "what have I gotten myself into" and they look at the whole life picture instead of enjoying every moment as it comes. Most parents, both moms and dads, have stages that they're better at. Some are better when they have babies and some get better at toddlers or teenagers. Maybe he's just uncomfortable being around such a small little person that relies completely on him for life. But that being said, does not give him an "out" or excuse for not doing his part.
I agree with the other moms that said to schedule some alone time for yourself and leave him to deal with the baby for a period of time. Start with just an hour or two and work up to a full day. He'll get better eventually when you give him no choice.
And husbands need very specific instruction for helping out. Make a written list of everything you do around the house and how often it needs to get done. Then tell him to pick from that list what he'll be in charge of. And then don't do it even if he's slacking off. Keep the list posted so he won't conveniently forget.
I understand you getting mad about the drinks after work. That's a tough situation. Every parent needs a break and this is his way of taking a break. Try not to get too mad at him about this. Just have him let you know what days he'll be doing that and give him a time limit. Then on the days he's not out, you schedule something for yourself. Go walk around the mall or get your nails done or hang out with some women friends.
The main thing you need to do is to give the man specific information for what you need from him. Situations come up where things will get off track from time to time, but try to stick with a plan or schedule and it'll go much smoother. Take some time for yourself to destress. You'll be a better parent for it. Good Luck!

I think all men are alike. I am going through the same thing except I have two children, 2 and 4 months. When I had the first, it was easier because I slept when she slept, so I wasn't sleep deprived so I didn't really notice his lack of working around the house. He would take the baby but I was nursing so I had to do the feedings. When I had the second, I know had a 2yr old to chase after also...I never slept so I turned into a raving lunatic. It seems like he will hellp out for a little while and then slips back to his old ways and we have a blow out. I finally left him home with the two girls and told him not to call me unless it was an emergency. I got a phone call about 3 hours after I left with him saying he was ready for me to come home. I told him I do that 8 hrs a day, plus the house looks great and I get dinner going...so unless he wants to do that leave me alone. I think it finally got through to him. He now comes up and takes both girls outside for 1 hour to give me a break. It makes a huge difference to me. I am not psycho anymore!!!!!

GO out for a little while and let him see how it is. Then he maybe willing to help a little more. It doesn't seem like he thinks it is so hard

Hi J. Ihave been there. My first husband did that to me. I called him the two hour dad.Idont know if you should do what I did you notice I said X-husband. But one day I think I had just had it and called him to pick the baby from daycare and then went shopping until the mall closed. Sometimes the men have no idea how hard it is to care for an infant and need to be Quickly reminded. Dont worry about your baby she will let him know what she needs. I got some very needed alone time and he got a dose of what life is now. He was hands on after that I think he was scared I'd do it again.lol:)

Hi. Im A.. Your husband is a man and like any other man they don't realize the importance of a new mom needing a little time. When you were pregnant with your child you did all the work without any of his help, he doesnt realize yet that any of that has changed. Honestly you are the primary caregiver for the child because you are mommy, daddys just take baby's when it's convenient for them, but when that baby starts getting older and saying dada and is able to 'play' then he will be more interested in playing with his child. my husband didnt bother with our son too much until he was about a year old, he would hold him when i made him hold him, but he was always pround to 'show off' his son. now we have another baby and he is more interested in her because he's been through it all before. Just remember that with your first child you are learning how to be a parent but you have amothers instinct but fathers dont. Dont be too hard on yourself about it or on him that wont make anything any better. enjoy your new baby, and all of the busyness because when that child gets older then all she will want is daddy, no matter how much effort he doesnt put into her. He will get better, he just needs to learn how to be a dad.

Hey J.. I know exactly what you mean. My situation was opposite (and now better again). When I first had my son, my husband did not help at all. I was not working and stayed home with my son all day. I was tired a lot (I mean really - I had just had a baby) and having a new baby is stressful. My husband would come home from work and sit on the couch and watch TV. If my son cried, it was my job to get him and take care of him. I finally broke down and asked him what was wrong and told him that I needed help. He said that he was raised that the man does not do things like that and the woman takes care of the house, husband, and kids. I told him that I was not raised like that and we needed to make a compromise. Well, he started to help a little here and there - like letting me take a short nap if I was tired and so forth. Well, since we have been in Florida it is like a total 180. He comes home from work and some days he sits down and watches TV (which I don't complain about any more because it is a once-in-a-while thing) but for the most part he will come home, change into comfy clothes and play with our son while I make dinner. Then we all sit down together and eat dinner and afterwards the two of them go and play together until it is time for bed. He also gets up in the morning while I am getting ready for work and he gets our son dressed and changes his diaper so that I don't have to worry about doing it. I don't know what exactly changed. I know that as my son is getting a little older and he is able to move around and do more my husband is more and more interested in spending time with him, which in turn is helping me have little breaks.

I think that you need to tell your husband that it is hard to do EVERYTHING alone. I told my husband one day that "if I wanted to be a single, working mother - I would be." I think it really sunk in how I was feeling when I said that. I think it showed him that he needed to pitch in. Also, when he does little things for me (like taking our son to play so I can cook dinner) I make sure that I thank him for his help. Men, sometimes, are like children in the sense that they want reassurance that you are appreciative of what they are doing and that you noticed. Maybe you could try to praise him for the little things and it will lead to him doing more and more.

I know how stressful it can be for both parents to work and then find out who does what when you get home, but you need to think of a plan. Some nights I come home and my husband wants to cook dinner, so I take our son and play - then other nights he does this. It's the little switch-offs that really help both parents stay sane.

You should also ask your husband why he acts that way. He may have been brought up thinking that woman are supposed to handle the house and children (even if they do work). If that is the case, you two need to work out a compromise for the situation that ties in how both of you were raised. Another reason may be that he is stressed. Sometimes men distance themselves from everything when they are stressed. I know that when my husband gets stressed he just wants to come home and either watch TV or go to sleep. It makes it hard and sometimes it is hard to understand, but everyone handles stress differently. Just talk to him and try to get down to the bottom of why he is not helping.

I hope this helps a little.

You are not alone! Your husband is selfish. He believes that your job can't be so hard. Ask him for a day off, well in advance, so that he can experience what it is like to be a mom. Take an entire day to check into a hotel and sleep... or just sleep in your car... that's what I used to do. Ha. It's really really hard work. I know...

One thing that may help is to make a list of all of the things that need to be done- include all the things that are required to run the house and take care of your daughter. Then sit down with your husband and have a serious discussion about how you two are going to divide the responsibilities. It really opened my husbands eyes when I put it all on paper.