Gifts or No Gifts

My son (7) just had a birthday party and, instead of gifts, he asked his friends to bring donations for a local food shelf. I think the other kids learned a new important lesson about giving, and my son is really looking forward to bringing in the 9 grocery bags full of food to the food shelf next week.

My daughter (5) has already asked me to find a place (hospital or other charity) that will accept new books. For her party in May, she would like to ask her friends to bring in a new copy of their favorite book to donate.

Whether you say no gift or not...You are going to receive them. I personally ignore those statements on invites I receive. I like to give and when going to a party...i.e. birthday, wedding, anniversary etc...I'll give a gift no matter what.

I have done a no gifts party...some listen some don't, but I don't think anyone was offended. Another idea would be to request books and donate them to a children's hospital or something like that.

Don't do it. People will still bring gifts and those that followed your 'rules' would feel bad. Plus-don't deny your 3 yo the fun of getting birthday gifts. You will be making a huge mistake if you make everything about a lesson. Getting gifts is fun. Giving gifts is fun. Don't deny everyone that. And if by chance you are worried about the expense-don't be. My sons have received everything from over the top to home made and loved it all.

Etiquette says that you NEVER mention gifts on an invitation.
But I disagree - I think it's fine to say "Your presence is the best present" if you don't want gifts.

I don't see why anyone would be upset or not invite your son to their kid's party if you asked them not to bring a gift.

We hit upon a GREAT tradition we started last year! We did this for my oldest son's 4th birthday and everyone loved it. I got the idea from another boy's party at a friend's house. More people have used it since:

Ask everyone to bring one wrapped children's book. When they arrive, they place the book in a basket and when the child leaves the party, they get to take a different one home! Your child isn't inundated with toys he doesn't need, he does wind up with a few new books (some people buy more than one) and everyone goes home with a new book! It satisfies those who want to buy and bring something and the kids.

No one seemed to think it meant that we wouldn't bring a gift to their child's party and our invites to birthdays haven't lessened. Some parties we are invited to stipulate "no gifts please." Others say nothing. I like for my boys to have both experiences. This year I'm not saying anything (more because we didn't have room on the invitations than anything), and if he gets gifts -great; if not -that's fine too. He'll certainly be opening gifts from us, his grandparents and Godparents. Try the book thing though -I've had parents tell me how much they liked it all year. I'll be doing it for my youngest at his birthday this year too.

i think it's a wonderful idea. i think all parties should be no gift parties. gifts are great if one sees something a friend or loved one would like and gives it spontaneously just because. i really dislike occasions set up around presents.
but then, i'm an old curmudgeon.
:) khairete
S.

i have heard of people picking a charity ( shoe donation or pet supply donation) and asking people to bring that as the present so your child can then donate it to a charity

Just have a get together at your house or a park and don't label it a birthday party. The label will get you a gift but a random cook-out most likely won’t.

If you want to have a b-day party you can also take inventory of things you may need in 6m or a year, like clothing and be specific with what they should bring. My friends would ask and I would tell them, he needs jeans or shorts or whatever and he is a size xxx.

I understand your point of view; my son's birthday is exactly 2m after Christmas. He NEEDS nothing, but wants everything. He is 6, going to be 7 and a no present b-day party would not fly now. At 3, you can do something small at home with cake and a couple of little things for him to open and he most likely won’t notice. Then have a something bigger without the b-day party label.

I don't think it is realistic to invite people to a b-day party for a child and ask then not to bring a gift. It is just too awkward. Not to mention that most people want to bring a gift to show their love and appreciation.

You know you can always take the gifts and put them away and use them as part of a reward system in the future.

I love the book idea below - that's a great idea!

There is something about "no gift" parties that just doesn't sit well with me. I've always hated the idea and I can't say why exactly. I guess in some way, it seems a bit sanctimonious to me. And in my circle, the families who do this (one of my close friends in particular, who has never denied herself the chance to get gifts) will say something about not needing things and wanting to instill non-materialistic values in their children. Meanwhile, they live in a McMansion, drive luxury cars, have designer handbags, the little girls are wearing designer clothes and shoes, and the kids all have the latest gadgets. But somehow getting a new Polly Pocket or Transformer from another kid is going to be what makes them materialistic lol? Really?

I hate the "no gifts but please donate to a charity" idea even more. I don't care how great your kids are, if given a choice between getting some new presents or giving to some charity, little kids are going to choose gifts, so it's not to the birthday child's benefit or preference, and it always seems a bit showy to me ("look how wonderful we are"). Do your charitable giving privately, and not on the backs of your child and their party guests.

At the end of the day, it's the child's birthday! He or she should be able to look forward a few gifts from friends and the friends should be able to gift freely to the child. When my kids get a birthday party invite they start to think about what the child will like and it's fun for them to find a gift that the recipient will really enjoy.

I know that many of us who consider the "no gifts, please" party are motivated by the idea that our kids already have too much and that there is no need to have guests families spend money to come and celebrate. We truly may just want the kids to get together and have a good time, I get that. But birthday gifts have always been a part of children's parties - I think the book idea below takes care of the problem while keeping the spirit of gift-giving alive and avoiding the "how great are we" charity angle.

Why dont you suggest instead of bringing a gift for the Birthday Boy - Please bring a new book we can donate to the Hasbro Childrens Hospital :-) or some other 'charity' of sorts that your son would be interested in! I think thats a Fantastic Idea!!!!

I wouldn't do it, although I love the idea of having kids bring a book for a hospital, this could even include games, toys, or something for a womens shelter in your area. However, at 3, I wonder if your son will understand. You don't have to buy him anything, and really how many friends will you invite, a child turning 3 wouldn't have many friends, mostly relatives. Perhaps there is something bigger he will need, a bike or a climbing thing for outside that close friends or family could donate to.

Wow lots of responses!
I am hoping to start a trend with a no gift bday part for my son this year. With the economy being what it is, I would be very happy to see that on an invitation. Our house has no more room for toys as it is!
If people want to teach about giving to others, why say in lieu of gifts please bring items to donate to whatever cause is important to you ( a used toy, health and beauty aids for a local homeslles shelter...even pet supplies for an animal shleter)

I love the idea of bringing a donation: food bank, toys for tots, teddy bears for police to give to children, pregnancy crisis center, etc... But, it would also be a great idea to ask for books only or movies only. Kids love to open presents, even if they were donations, your 3 year old would love opening!

This is probably the last year you can get away with it until the teenage years, if you decide to.

We are lucky enough to be in a playgroup where we all have the habit of either having "No gifts" events, or not opening the gifts during the party for the very young ones, anyway (up until 4 or 5). (When all of the guests are that little, it's hard for little kids to watch someone else get presents, when they don't get any.) So it's not that far a step to say "no gifts," since if anyone DOES bring a gift, it won't be opened during the party, so no one will have to feel bad. Or if it is opened during the party, it's at the very, very end, after people have started to trickle out, and it's not an "Everybody come watch the gifts!" thing, it's more like an "I'll open your gift as you're leaving," sort of event. We're trying to teach that it's the people, not the present they brought.

I like the idea of voicing it as an informal gathering, too. We have invited plans to a "Birthday Playdate." Like the other ladies have said, calling it a playdate or barbecue or whatever, doesn't necessarily imply gifts, calling it a party does. (You can still do cake and ice cream, of course - just a playdate with a really fancy snack!) When we did this, we did provide goody bags for all the kids, and of course, the birthday girl got one, too. No complaints, everyone had a good time.

I think the No gifts is fine for adults, but to not allow gifts for a child, seems wrong to me..

I LOVE giving gifts even more than receiving them. Especially to children

Our daughter knew that at birthday and Christmas time, we would be cleaning out unused toys to make room for the new.(sometimes, I did it when she was not home). Maybe you could do the same with your son.. We always gave away her toys..

How about if people ask what he would like, you suggest books or crafts.. A child can NEVER have enough books and crafts can be a gift for you.. more activities to do together..

If you can figure out how to write the invitation and say "Your childs presence is the present, please bring no more than that"... Or talk to all the moms and actually explain why this is a no physical gift party this year. It is unorthodox but I agree with you that it will take tons of pressure off of the parents. It just might be hard for the kids to understand why they are going to a party that didnt require a present, that is your dilemma, since the moms have to try to figure out how to explain that.

Honestly, I'm torn on this issue. I too have thought about not doing gifts because our four year old really doesn't need anymore toys. But then I think about how much joy they get in opening the presents and also the joy it gives to the giver. At such a young age I tend to think it's best to allow the presents. It's very hard to explain to a 3 year old that they are not getting gifts especially when they've attended other parties when the kids did receive gifts. What we have done is to continue welcoming the gifts and have our daughter go through her older toys to donate to charity in order to make room for new toys. I have also requested that some of our family and close friends purchase savings bond in lieu of toys. That has worked really well for us. Our daughter still receives toys from her friends AND she is accumulating a nice amount of savings for her future as well.

Well I had never heard of no gifts or not opening gifts at the party until this site. So I started taking a poll of my friends and so far not one of them likes the practice. Most of my friends say that the gift part is their favorite part. I know I like to see the person receive my gift. Also my thought is that your child is three and will be attending other parties, I know my 3 year old son would ask me why he didn't get any presents. I went to a party where they didn't open the gifts, it was very strange. I never knew when the party was over, didn't know for sure if they got/liked the gift that I very thoughtfully picked out. I like presents:D

We have always done "no gifts" for our son and haven't gotten any complaints. In fact, my son was invited to a party where the guests were asked to bring donations to the local SPCA in lieu of gifts. It was great and we're stealing the idea this year, but are going to ask for book donations to the local library.

I think if you want to do that, you should do that. There is a lesson to be learned here as well: sometimes we have too many "things" already. You could also ask for a gift to take to some other child in need - perhaps at a shelter. As a parent who received that invitation, I would look at it positively. If they want to go the traditional route for their child's birthday - so be it. Each to his own. Do what you want for your child and let them do what they want. Maybe it will start a trend!!

I always try to answer before reading other's answers so as to not be influenced by them ; ), then I read the rest. I still like my answer - but feel that so many other good points were posted. Diane B. gave a great answer. In the end you need to do what you feel is best for your situation. Obviously, there are a lot of different opinions out there - I had never even thought about this topic so it has opened my eyes to what others think.

We just had a pajama party for my 5-year-old in which we encouraged all our guests to bring a pair of child's pajamas to donate to a charity instead of a gift. It was really great because the children could relate with what they were donating--it wasn't just money. And my daughter came along with me to drop the donations off with the charity's chapter president who explained where the pajamas would go. And for the record, my daughter got plenty of gifts from us, aunts and uncles, and grandparents.

I completely disagree with the poster who thinks this is "showy" or "look at how great we are." Why wouldn't you want to encourage your child to do this? I think peer pressure in this direction is so much better than the expectations that are set by some of the ridiculously over-the-top parties we sometimes get invited to in which the the child gets way more gifts than they even know what to do with, let alone appreciate. It's never too early to start teaching your children about charity/volunteerism/community service. If that makes me showy, I'll take it.

I see your point, but I think Jennifer S. makes some excellent points as well. What you are trying to achieve and what you are conveying may be very different things.

I think it's important that kids learn to accept gifts, to say thank you, to be gracious. I think that birthdays aren't about collecting items you need from friends who are willing to donate, but rather they are about celebrating and learning to give as well as receive. It's not about the size or expense of the gift, but about the thought that goes into it.

I think that the best thing you could do would be to have a sensible-size birthday party, not overwhelm the kids with a 30-child free-for-all and a huge expense at a birthday party venue. That's where the overkill comes into play and it sets kids up for ridiculous expectations. A smaller party allows each "giver" child to see his/her gift opened and APPRECIATED, while the host child has to really make some choices about those with whom he really wants to celebrate and whom he really can focus his attention on. The gift thing gets real old, and real expensive, for parents who have a big party to attend every other week because the community tells them they need to go broke, invite the world, give expensive goody bags, and pay for a huge venue.

A small party for a 3 year old, with 3 little friends, which lasts about 90 minutes and has a cake and a game/craft and a small gift exchange will teach your child to enjoy his friends, say thank you for thinking of me, and let the friends learn how to give a toy away without claiming it for themselves. That teaches generosity, manners and social interaction. Your child is not going to understand a card since he can't read and his friends can't appreciate it because they can't write. So a SMALL but fun gift from a couple of good friends solves everyone's problems.

I totally think NO GIFTS is the way to go. We have too much stuff in this world, we all have too much stuff, and I totally disagree with those who think it's important for kids to get gifts on their birthdays - at age 3 they should have no such expectation and should be taught that presents are never an expectation, no matter what the occasion. I am sure your child will still get some gifts from relatives etc, just don't open them at the party if you specify no gifts so you don't make those who comply feel bad. I personally really dislike the pressure of having to shop for obligation gifts, and would welcome a "no gifts" party. Maybe you could turn it into a quasi "pot luck" instead of gifts ie - in lieu of present please bring a snack/appetizer/dessert to share at the party. Just a thought.

I cannot see how anyone can turn this into something to be offended about, or something you should feel bad about. This is an insane culture we've created here where everything is so consumable-centric. Seriously.

Go gift free, I agree you won' t be able to get away with it too long! Good luck. I think it's a brilliant and very green, environmentally conscious plan.

I've been to several No Gift parties. They are great.

J.

The last birthday party my oldest had we choose to do a no gift birthday party. My daughter is big into horses so we asked in stead of gifts if they wished they could donate money that we sent to a horse resque ranch. The kids were excited about being able to help the horses. The ranch even sent a thank you to my daughter that she shared with her friends. I know your son is only 3, but you could try and find an animal rescue or some other charity that represnets your son and his personality and ask for donations to that specific charity or rescue in stead of a gift. That way the children still learn about giving as well as helping those in need. All the parents of my daughters freinds loved the idea. Infact one of them did a toys for tots drive instead of gifts for her daughter. Hope this helps.

Find a charity (or a few) that you like and just ask everyone to make a small donation in your child's name. Just as a suggestion, we usually donate to www.heifer.org

Don't say no gifts. A friend of mine did this once for her 3 year old's party. She told me "please don't buy a gift" when I called to rsvp. So we didn't, and I explained to my daughter that we were honoring their wishes. Well, EVERYONE else at the party brought a gift. My daughter and I both felt terrible and very embarrassed while the gift opening was happening. If you ask for food shelf donations in lieu of gifts or something like pet food or donations to the humane society (if your child likes animals) that will work out much better than asking for no gifts. Because many people will simply ignore "no gifts" and like Mallory said, those that honor it will feel terrible. If you want to keep it simple, don't invite the whole preschool or daycare. Keep it to a few close friends and/or relatives.

you could ask them to donate to a charity that is meaningful to your family in place of a toy gift

Seriously? Let kids be kids and have that excitement and joy of seeing and opening their stack of brightly colored gifts.

Do you all really not remember what that was like? The whole party glancing over at the gifts in anticipation - it's like the day before Christmas but it's your day! Think about it - you are celebrating your child coming into this world and surviving all the craziness of birth and every other scary thing that a helpless baby faces every day not to mention all the learning they must do. I think it's so unfair for adults to force their own agenda onto kids because it makes them feel better or seen like nicer people. Does everyone really think a 3 year old understands? Gifts don't have to be extrodinary - something small and meaningful.

Here are some great lessons that come with gifts -
Donations - about a month before the party have your child pick some old toys to donate? They learn about donation and you clear some space for new arrivals.
For all parties your son attends - have him pick the gift. It teaches him to think about the other person and what they would really like - a lesson that will help them their enitre life.
They teach how to give - a lesson definitely lost on a lot of people and a whole generation it seems.
Writing thank you cards - or drawing pictures to thank each person.

If there is a cause that people are passionate about - host a separate fund raises specifically for that cause. Don't sacrifice your childs special day. That will eventuall be done for them when they group up and the real world takes over. I don't mean to sound harsh but it seems like all of the good and happy things in life are being lost to way of how others want to be perceived. I'm a good person - I'm surviving middle class and I donate to a couple of different causes but no one but my immediate family knows it. Every gift we receive is appreciated whether it cost $2 or $100. I also have no expecatation that someone has to bring a gift to a party and would not be upset if someone did not. Just relax and enjoy watching your little one have fun.

Pick a charity that you feel strongly about and if they insist on giving, have them make a donation in your son's name. I think they may be relieved to not have to shell out a bunch of money for another toy. But that is just me.

Have a great party regardless, Nat