When I was pregnant with my son, I was sure the baby was going to be a girl. I had visions of the baby room and was excited to sew little girl dresses. When I found out we were having a boy, I am ashamed to admit I got pretty depressed for a few days. Now our beautiful, healthy, vibrant son is almost 7 months and we love him dearly. I found my fun boy clothes out there and have had a good time making him jackets and pants. My problem is that I still have a little sadness inside when I see a cute little baby girl (which most of our friends have). I find myself getting envious and then feel awful for having those thoughts. I have made dresses for our little baby girl friends, but I found that it's not my true issue. It's more the relationship I long for with a little girl. Sure the clothes and frilly stuff would be fun, but what I really wanted was the life long bond with a girl. Hopefully my son and I will be as close as my brother and my mom are but it's the same as what i have with her.
We are undecided if we are going to have another baby. If we do decide to have another, my husband is worried that I will be unhappy if we have another boy. I have no doubt that I would love that baby too. We are both well adjusted, healthy, happy, and capable parents. He's right that I might get pretty sad over it since there is no way we would try for 3 kids. We have decided not to adopt. So I'm wondering if anyone else out there has felt this way? If so, does it ever go away? Would I be setting myself up if we decided to "try for a girl?" (not a sound reason to have another child, i know...I'm not saying that"s why we would have another but i know it would be on my mind).
So what's a girl to do about these unsettling thoughts?
I need to add that I totally get that my husband and I are extremely blessed to have a healthy baby. I count my blessings every day that I was able to get pregnant so easily and had no complications. I take it for granted that I might even be able to HAVE another baby. Who knows!? Anyway, that's why my feelings bother me and thought I'd reach out to see what I can do about them. I try to focus on the positives but it doesn't always work.
One of my friends has 3 boys, and stopped trying. She's glad they'll always be close to each other. My friend's mom tried for a boy, but had 4 girls first, so you never know!
I understand and it is OK. Do not let anyone dismiss your feelings as "wrong". They are real and true and you should be given support to work thru them (because of course you will). I get that you could have way worse problems. But you NOT giving vent to your feelings doesn't mean one less person gets cancer. The world doesn't work that way
I was positive my first was a boy and he was. So I didn't suffer girl-grief with the first one. But when we found our 2nd (and last!) was also a beautiful little boy, I was a bit sad and lonely for the things I would not have or would not do...Things I do with my mom, with my gramma. The things I see my SIL doing with her daughter. The relationship I see growing with my friends and their daughters.
*sigh* I will just have to put all my substantial girl powers into raising my boys to be GREAT men and to date and marry AWESOME women (of course, if they are gay that's OK too). So my road to having a mother-daughter (or dare I hope grand daughter?) relationship is just LONGER than others' roads. So be it. I will get there some day. = )
I've absolutely felt that way.
One thing I've realized over the years is how lucky our SON is that he's a boy, having ME for a mother.
If he'd been a girl, he would have had all of these expectations on him... I have "visions" of a daughter. I'm sure it's not PC/Ghandi-like/whatever to admit them... but I durn sure do. ((In my case the whole lipstick-tomboy; aka someone like me)). But being a boy... I've just gotten to know HIM. What HE likes, dislikes... WHO he is without a bunch of baggage of my own thrown in on how *I* want him to be. It's been a fun and fascinating journey discovering and watching him discover who he is.
Yep.
He's really lucky he's a boy.
Your feelings are your feelings. They are what they are and it's nobody's place to tell you what you should or shouldn't feel. I have a boy and two girls, so I can't directly relate to wanting one over the other. However, my first born is on the Autism Spectrum and has all sorts of other issues. I sometimes feel like everything would be just perfect if only he was just a "regular" kid. If only my son was a "regular" kid, my husband would have a son to throw the football around with. If only he was a "regular" kid, school wouldn't be so hard for him. If only he didn't have all these problems, we could take all the money we're spending on his therapies, supplements, etc and use it for other things. If only, if only, if only... I love my son, but sometimes, just sometimes, I get those feelings. But then I realize that if that were true, I wouldn't have this extremely unique, interesting indvidual for a son, I wouldn't have HIM just the way he is. And despite all his issues, I can't really imagine life without him EXACTLY the way he is and I love him so very much. Just like you love your son. And just like you'll love your next child no matter what. Try for another child. If it's a girl, lucky you! If it's a boy, lucky you! If fate decides you don't get a girl, go ahead and grieve for that, but also realize that your son would have a BROTHER close in age, a playmate for life, someone to count on forever. And the relationship of a mother with her boys, although different than a mother with her girls, is no less special. My best friend has 3 boys, she kept trying for a girl. But now that she has her boys, she will admit that life is absolutely perfect the way it is. Those boys are best friends and she gets so much joy from watching them grow up together. You can't lose here...either you get your little girl, or your son gets a brother. Win-win situation for your family!
I just wanted to mention that, even if you did have a girl, there's no guarantee you would have the relationship you dream of. I grew up very close to my dad and felt that I had little in common with my mom. You just never know who your little one is going to grow up to be and how your personalities will blend. Even though you'll surely love each other, it might not end up the way you're picturing it.
I have one daughter, one son, and one tomboy. I started out dressing my tomboy (my oldest) in cute little dresses, but by the time she was two she wouldn't have anything to do with them. My other daughter isn't crazy about dresses either. In some ways, my relationship with my son is the sweetest of all. As I said, you never know where your kids' personalities will take them.
Open your heart to whatever happens and surely everything will work out beautifully.
Good luck!
I have 2 sons, 18 moths apart. I thought our second was a girl, even called my belly by the girl name we picked out, looked at dresses and hair bows and things of the like. When we found out he was a boy, my hub told me how happy he was that our oldest son would always have a best friend, partner in crime, and littel brother around! My sister and I were always at each others throats growing up, so Im actually really happy I have boys. You will be happy with another child no matter what, so I dont think you should not have another just because youre afraid it wont be a girl. Two boys are soooooo much fun! And just think of how YOU were as a teenage girl, and think "do I rally want to go through what I put my mother through?" lol :) Stay positive and happy baby making :):)
It's totally natural to want that. When I see our son playing with other boys, I know how much he would have loved having a brother. If you do try for another child, of course you'll love your baby no matter the gender, but just remember, there are just as many wonderful things about having two boys as one of each. I have plenty of girlfriends who don't get along with their moms; so just because you have a daughter, it doesn't mean you'll be best buddies. You can't pick her personality, and there's no guarantee that the two of you would be close. If you have another boy, there might always be that "what if" in the back of your mind, but as your boys grow up together, I bet that voice will be softer and softer throughout the years! Best wishes!
I have 2 boys, now 8 and 10. I still long for a baby girl. Whether I'm at Wal-Mart or the mall, those cute little dresses.... Unfortunately, God has His plan and it's not always ours.
Just remember, little boys LOVE their mommies! They pick me wildflowers, they draw me pictures!! I wouldn't trade them for the world, but I do still long for that girl.
If you decide to have another baby, just be blessed. If you have 2 boys, they get to share a room and have a toy room, they also have each other to fight with (I mean play with) on rainy days!
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news:)
Yes, I have felt that way. I completely understand what you are going though. I did get my two wonderful boys, that I love so very much. But I did ache for that girl. It was literally a physical ache. And I too, had many friends with wonderful baby girls, which certainly did not help the matter.
Even though I was open to having a third, my husband wanted to stop and wanted to put our energy into buying a second home, having me return to work, and start taking really nice vacations. This did distract me well enough and I suppose that I could have live happily that way for the rest of my life and hoped for a granddaugher. So, if this happens to you, you can do it and you will do it happily in the end. Life is extremely busy with two as they enter school and you will find yourself forgetting this ache.
The end of my story is different though. With all that was going on, (moving to a new house, getting the old one prepared as a rental, and going back to work, I failed to notice that I was pregnant. She is now 18 months.
The lesson I learned is you never know what will happen in the future. You can only deal with what you know, not with the what ifs. You can plan the future but it does not mean that it will happen that way. So try for your second, see what happens. Yes, you may have a second wonderful little boy or you may get that girl. But you won't get anything if you don't try.
I don't know exactly what to tell you, but I just wanted to say that you shouldn't feel guilty for feeling the way you're feeling. I have two happy, healthy wonderful children. A boy and a girl. We just found out that my husband has cancer, and, due to the radiation that he will get, we will be unable to have more children. My serious intense sadness about this has NOTHING to do with the two children that I have. It's a mourning of possibility. It's letting go of a dream. It's very very sad.
We had a hard time getting pregnant with my first, it took a full year of trying, and we were about to start medical interventions when we discovered that I was pregnant. So I get how hard it can be to want something so badly, see how other people have it, and yet be empathetic to them wanting more. But it's okay to admit that you are lucky to have a happy, healthy baby and still be sad in your desire for a girl. Feelings aren't logical, and you can feel conflicted.
I hope that someone can give you help about actually wanting the girl, though.
Well, in the long run and short, what matters most is you have a wonderful , healthy child. When I was pregnant, initially I thought I too wanted a girl and even had a name all picked out. but gotta tell ya, when they told me it was going to be a boy, I was just as happy and to this day can't imagine my life without my son.. WOW.. what a FANTASTIC little boy... I think in life, when and if blessed with a child, you are sent that which you are meant to have... IF you are in fact blessed to have a second, then in my opinion, I would be so grateful just for that. Oh and let's say for a moment you do have a girl.. it doesn't mean you 'll end up with the kind of relationship you desire.. AND I would add further, IF you were upset and sad at not having a girl and are having a hard time getting over it, then imagine that IF you have a girl and the relationship isn't what you dream about.. how will you get over that. In other words, some things in life you have no control over, I believe the sex of a baby is one of them (yeah yeah some say not so) in my mind, TRUE. anyway.. let go and let it flow. if you really want a child, you'll love it no matter if a girl or boy... if you know you can't get past it, then I would say, no don't have another one.
Be patient. I was the first granddaughter born, my grandmother only had sons and longed for a daughter as well. So, I got to be it! My grandmother and I were very, very close.
So, if you dont have a daughter you can always look forward to some granddaughters one day :)
I have 2 sons and a sweet little granddaughter..
God does fix your longings in his own way.....
Bless you for you honesty. I know how you feel because I felt the same. I was an "older mom" and when I found out my second child was also a boy, I was so disappointed. I knew we weren't going to have another child and it took a lot of effort and trust on my part to process this information. By the time my son was born, I was in a better place, but I was glad I had the rest of my pregnancy to process. My strong desire to have a girl was based on my wonderful relationship with my Mom and I wanted to duplicate that. Instead, God gave me such an amazing son-I couldn't have forseen what He was giving me at that time. Now, he is serving in the military protecting our country. A man of God and a man of honor. What more could a mother ask for?
Continue to share your thoughts ( I think they are perfectly normal)with people who won't stand in judgement. And think it through. You will be fine.
Take care,
J. Clark, MA Parent Educator
http://facebook.com/clearpatheducation
###-###-####
My grandma always wanted a girl... she got 4 boys. Needless to say that when I, her first granddaughter, was born, I got a bit spoiled. lol. I also remember a lady in my church who I became very close with. I didn't have a mother in my life, (that's a whole other story) and she didn't have any girls. So we 'adopted' each other. We are still very close.
Im feeling the same way but opposite , I'm pregnant with my third girl, and I still thinking that maybe can be a boy because I feel so different from my 2 previous pregnancies, I don't think the feeling will go away and I always say to my husband that maybe we can adopt a boy, my husband says is not need for that that we are going to have grandsons someday .......
maybe you can be a godmother or foster care a girl in need,
My answer was going to be A L.'s exactly, so I'll just say "ditto."
If you are blessed enough to conceive healthy babies not once, but twice...think about what REALLY matters...thousands and thousands of woman will never know what it's like to have a baby, at all. Thousands more then that will never know what it's like to have a healthy, happy child. Just switch your focus. Focus on what matters.
I was desperate to have a girl. I grew up with my mom, sister and two girl cousins. I knew and loved all the girly stuff and was so happy anytime I got to play with my friends little girls - cartwheels, dress up, etc. before I had my own child. When I found out I was having a boy, I too mourned the loss of my dream, especially the mother daughter relationship that I imagined would have been like the one with my mom. But, I swear that my son was the perfect child for me. He is smart, kind, fun and has a tremendous heart. He has shown me a side to life that I would have missed with a girl. He helps me to understand men more then I did before and how they are wired. I literally can't imagine what my life would be without HIM. We are as close as any parent child I've witnessed. I've also felt lucky over the years when I see how dramatic and overly emotional my friends girls are and how much more money they spend on them. Don't even get me started on how grateful I am to miss the teenage years with a daughter, if she is anything like most girls I know. God definitely knew better than me what child I supposed to have! As you get to know your son more as he grows and your bond grows even closer, it will fill any empty places in your heart.
Just the other day I was shopping at Costco with my MIL and blurted out "Ohhhh this outfit is so cute, if we had a boy this is the sort of thing I would definately out him in!" I was even excited because I thought it was adorable.
Needless to say I have a girl. Now this applies to what a previous poster said too. I am one of those moms where they told me I could not get pregnant, so I thought I would never have children. 3 months into my current relationship and WHAM, I got the surprise of my life, I was pregnant. Even with all of that I still wonder what it would be like to have a boy.
I'm not ashamed to admit it either. I love my daughter with all of my heart, and I love the bond we have (she's a total mommas girl). Not knowing if I can get pregnant again, I do get a little sad not knowing if I will experience that bond between a mom and her son. I tend to think in opposites too...if I had had a boy I would probably have the same feelings about wanting a girl!
I am grateful I could even experience being a mom, and I wouldn't change my girl for the world.
Embrace your boy and all the boy things.....=)
I know that this is going to sound harsh and I'm sorry about that. I really am. I am normally not harsh.
But, I think that you should be really grateful for the fact that you are able to conceive and carry healthy babies to term. Those of you Mama's out there who have trouble TTC know what I'm talking about.
I know everyone dreams of a boy or a girl. It is rare that you hear someone simply say that they just hope for a really healthy, risk free pregnancy.
I guess it is really taken for granted.
As I said before, I am so sorry if this sounds harsh, but it makes me incredibly sad and upset to hear a Mommy say that they will be depressed if their beautiful baby isn't the gender they hoped for.
I'm not saying that you won't love your baby whatever gender it is, so don't get me wrong. I guess I truly just view this differently than most.
Peace.
I was just the opposite. I always wanted to have a boy. Ever since I was a child- I wanted to have a boy. I did not want to find out ahead of time what I was having when I was pregnant with my twins. I was just sure I was going to have one of each. When I was in the delivery room and the first one was out, the doctor said "It's a girl" and I thought "Of course it is. I always knew that baby was a girl," but then he said it again. My immediate thought was that I was going to resent "Baby B."
There is now nothing further from the truth. I love them both so much. I cannot imagine it ever being any different. I understand that you are still feeling a little blue about it, but remember what the future holds- Grandchildren!
I always wanted at least 1 girl myself, have 3 boys, 32, 23 and 10!, also I am a hairstylist so the thought of playing with her hair, painting little fingernails and dressing her up sounded very sweet, I have found out that, those things bring us back to our childhood wanting to play with dolls, something to make us Mom's fulfill a need. In all reality, I am so glad to have boys, they tend to adore their Mom's, and aren't even 1/2 the drama of a girl, I remember how I was as a pre-teen and up...to this day I apologize to my Mom! LOL!, girls are more drama, more mouthy AND more expensive, if it were me, I would just be happy with a healthy, happy baby, no matter what the sex, (my 10 year old) has heart disease, if you dwell on having a girl and you never do, you will grow to be very unhappy, I look forward to hopefully some day having daughter-in-laws and maybe, a grand daughter or 2, but if it doesn't happen, I am so happy to have my "men"...best of luck to you...
I wish to share my experiance with the hope that you do not repeat it. When I was pregnant with our 1st child I actually feared having a little girl-- so many of my friends said that Daddy's girl had stolen his heart and that the little one gotmore attention than they did. So I was in fear of what happens when a little girl is born( gotta know that I was only 19-- next to a 2 year old in learning about things I suppose) We gave birth to a sweet bundle of pink that is a girly girl 100%. Once when she was 9 she heard me tell this story to someone and actually believed that I didn't love her near as much as her brothers(we have 3 boys and 1 daughter by birth and one a foster child we had custody of) just recently she brought this up and made it clear how it had affected her decisions for many years and she sence of self worth. Now what I said was true about my fears but I never knew that it would hurt her feelings I actually thought that I was helping another mom who was feeling the same thing. She had always been told how speciail she was because I got to see 1st hand the miracle of seeing how a little girl's heart and a father's heart can be bound in such a tender way just as a daddy can be bound by the heart with his sons.
All of my children are special and all I can suggest to you is that because you didn't get what you wanted and dreamed of then you have the chance to grow and become totally in love with what you have and accpt that it is all in your pwer to make the mental changes you must. If you do decide to have another child then accept that you will not have an unreal expectation of the baby to fulfil your dreams. All of my children have chosen to not find out the sex of thier children beforehand on prpose because they wanted the thrill of the mystery and thrill of birth thus when our supposed "Grandson -that the ultra sound tec saw-- became our GRANDDAUGHTER her dad and mom were even more excited and had a back up name in the diaper bag.
Talk with your husband about adopting a baby girl. There are so many children who need loving parents and a stable home.
Blessings.....
I felt the same way you are feeling. After 2 boys I thought we would never get our baby girl. Finally we decided to try for another baby and I did lots of things to provoke for female gender. Why not give it a try right?
We now have our baby girl born Jan 25, 2011. Let me know if you would like to know the details of what I took and did to provoke female gender.
Before you have another baby, you have to make sure that you will be happy with having two boys if it happens. I will say that there is nothing like a boys love for his mama and it will always be there. There is no change in the love in the teen years, although there is the normal puberty thing. Whatever God gives you is a gift and cherish it either way. He knows what you need best. God Bless!
We have 2 boys and are not having anymore. I am actually very happy and content with 2 boys. They are already buddies and it makes me smile! I think God blessed me with 4 neices and I get my girl fix with them! When I see something cute and girly, I buy it for one of them! I think if we had a girl I would be broke!
