Should I attend the funeral of my best friend's husband? We have been close since grade school and her husband passed away after a quick illness. I am in CA and she in OH, our hometown. It is my 60th birthday weekend and I have to be back in one day to Santa Barbara where a party is being thrown for me. I could do it, but I am going back to NYC the following week for another birthday party and then have knee surgery in CA the following week. My friends in OH don't really understand how busy this is and hard to cram it all in. Am I expected to cancel plans to attend the funeral?
Thanks for your feedback. I really want to go!! Its just so much travel..... I forgot to say, that I am crisscrossing the county one more time in November and asked Patty if I could get the girls together at that time and we would have a dinner to honor Patty. I was just back in Ohio 2 weeks ago. Okay, so if I do go, that would be 4 cross country trips in 4 months. Just too much. PS, My husband is 80 and its hard for him to be alone this much. So much guilt!
I’d go.
I’d find someone to take care of my spouse and make the trip. It’s a lot of travel, but so what? Go. You won’t regret it.
I think it would mean the world to her if you went. I drove a long distance in snow to see a college friend whose brother had died and I can't tell you the look on her face when she saw me in the line at the calling hours. My husband was recovering from a serious illness at the time so it was a huge burden on me and I know how hard it is to make choices. But I also enjoyed being with other college friends and catching up when we hadn't had that opportunity for a long time. I stayed overnight and came back the next day, tired but happy I could be there for her.
Losing a spouse is awful, and you have known her forever. I understand it's your birthday and that arrangements have been made, but is there any way that your party can be rescheduled without everyone losing deposits? Alternatively, is the NYC birthday something really important, like a parent's 90th or something like that? If it were me, I'd at least try to skip that birthday and deal with the funeral if there's any possibility that you could manage it. Obviously your knee surgery is not negotiable but that sounds far enough away that you could manage the funeral.
But it sounds like you don't really want to do it and are facing pressure from Ohio friends who don't understand your choices. If you can't do it, then don't feel you need to explain to mutual friends. I wouldn't tell them it's your birthday or that you have another party in NYC - there's no easy way to explain priorities to others. Just say you wish you could come but you cannot.
If you get through your knee surgery and the rehab and then can give support to your friend by paying a visit later on, when all her help has evaporated as people move on with their lives but she's still in mourning and dealing with this massive adjustment.
I don't know your specific circumstances, nor your specific type of friendship, but to me, the term "best friend" holds certain responsibilities. Weddings, funerals, birth of a baby . . .
I can't imagine a reason that I would ever find it acceptable to miss my best friend's husband's funeral. I get that you have a lot going on - who doesn't? You can't go back and redo this.
My husband and I's best friends (wife is my best friend and her husband and my husband are best friends) lost both his brother and mom in the same month . We dropped all of our plans to attend two out of town funerals within weeks of each other. Why? Because they are our best friends.
I'd go - in fact, I can't imagine missing it. Especially when your excuses sound like two birthday parties. Her husband will never have another birthday party, but it does sound selfish to miss because you have two (one for you and one in NYC) planned?
What does your best friend say? If it was me, I'd have a heart to heart and let her decide for me. If she needed me there, I'd be there. If she'd rather visit another time, then we'd visit another time. But I'd ask her.
I could not tell you who was or wasn’t at my son’s funeral. What mattered more to me were the people that were there for me after. The people who continued to call, send cards, stop over etc. Perhaps after your knee surgery you could go out or plan a girls weekend. Flying in for the funeral and not being able to stay a few days just doesn’t seem practical. I would certainly understand and I’m sure a best friend would too. Just make sure you keep calling. Also, you may want to consider buying her a book on surviving the death of a spouse. I’ve given books like this to many people and most people have really appreciated them.
Funerals are for the living, not the dead.
I agree if you can be there go. It is such a comfort to see loved ones at the funeral. If you can't make it the day of the funeral plan to be there as soon as you can. Offer to help clear out his clothes if she is ready to do that. Believe me there is no more difficult task on Earth than clearing out a loved ones clothes and personal items after they have passed.
If she is unwilling, let it be. You could tell her she can send it all for hurricane relief. So many people lost everything and really need clothes, shoes, etc.
Example: I lost my sweet little dog 9-21-17. Her bowl of food is still sitting on my kitchen floor. I know I should pick it up but I simply can't.
No one asked you to cancel any plans, they simply asked you to attend the funeral. You should go.
You talk about your husband being "alone this much" - why would he not come with you? Spouses should support each other in events with close friends whenever possible. Unless he is unable to travel, bring him to Ohio!
(Also - it sounds like you have already expressed to your Ohio friends that you are strongly considering not going. Be careful about that in the future, because then even if you go people might remember how much you thought about not going!!)
I would cut out the party for myself and let them know we'd have it in a few weeks. Then you can stay an extra day or two in your home town.
Life gets busy.
I don't know what your friend expects.
There's usually a lot going on around funeral time but then after it all settles down a few months later - THAT would be a great time for a visit.
No judgement - but if it was my best friend, I'd be there. My best friend is like a sister to me though.
- Read what B wrote. I think that's a good second option, if this is not doable. It may even be better. I think this would ultimately depend on your friendship, circumstances (does she have a network of support there), and how you feel about it.
I agree with JC. Call her on the phone in the coming days. Having someone she can grieve to might be a blessing. So many people feel uncomfortable with grief, and won't call.
At 60, a lot of travel in a short period of time is hard. You need to take some time after this knee surgery and rest some, C.. Go see your friend when your knee is better and make sure the doctor approves the travel before you buy your ticket.
If it were me I would go. She's your best friend and it sounds like she is really needing you. She is probably in shock and she needs her best friend to lean on.
add: Your husband is a big boy and if he really can't take care of himself find someone to come stay with him and he wont be alone!
