Going Away for the Holidays

"Mom, I love you, you've had us for 4 out of 5 years, and (Mark's) mother just passed away. His father needs us, and you're such a compassionate and loving person that I know you'll understand. I appreciate everything you do, and I'm really going to be missing you this thanksgiving, but don't worry, we're so excited about next year"

Well, it's not like there is some "trick" out there that will cleverly pull the wool over her eyes. Just be honest with her and under the pretense that any reasonable person will understand this. If she doesn't, then she has some sort of problem. My suggestion if she gets upset is to ask her what she is upset about. What can she say? That she won't see the family on the holidays? Then ask her for a suggestion on how she would deal with the situation with your father in law. Ask her to see it from his perspective and suggest an alternative.
I propose giving her some time to get used to the idea so she doesn't feel that it was sprung upon her at the last minute. Involve her in the situation. Perhaps explain to to her in the way that you are asking for her help... "how can we solve this together" sort of approach.

It's not right that she would guilt you into spending holidays with her. That is really selfish and not what you would want your kids to grow up learning how to do anyway, right?

Guilt is the act of being "responsible" for someone else's well-being. We know that this is impossible and yet so many of us continue to try and do it.

"My mother is a little over bearing and wants everything her way"--that is her issue. Something she needs to deal with or not. Has anything you have ever done in the past ever really changed this in her? Has your tolerating and placating her felt good to you or has it always felt icky?

"she will make it miserable to be around her"--this is the place where you have choice. You can tolerate her behavior take on responsibility and feel guilty, and basically give your power away. Or, you can simply state that you will not be treated that way and will therefore limit the time you spend with her if her choice is to be rude to you. It is by no means an easy thing to do, however, it is part of maturing to be able to care for yourself enough to allow others their own choices and to set clear boundaries about how you will allow yourself to be treated.

You clearly love your mother and your in-laws. These choices at first seem so hard. And yet, you are at a place where you get to choose to be an adult in adult relationships where everyone gets to be responsible to themselves and to stop expecting others to make life all better for them. It is such a challenge to shift a parent-child relationship to an adult-adult relationship.

You deserve to have choice for yourself and to care for yourself enough to let go of being responsible for other peoples choices to be sad, miserable, angry, etc. I am sure like all of us, you are struggling enough dealing with your own feelings and challenges day to day, without taking on the burden of attempting the impossible task of fixing others. What do you want? What is best for you? What will feel appropriate to you? Best wishes, T.

Go with your husband and his family. Politely tell your mom that you love spending time with her over the holidays, but you do have 2 families now and you've spent most of the holidays with your family, it's only fair that his family gets a turn. Don't make it sound like you're asking permission, just tell her very matter-of-fact that this is what you're doing.

It might help to tell her in advance so that she can get used to the idea before Thanksgiving comes. Yes, it will also give her more time to bug you about it, but you can just tell her calmly "We've made our decision. I'm sorry that we can't be with you this year, but it's my husband's family's turn." Then change the subject or end the conversation.

You might also want to consider making it a regular thing for you to take turns going to visit his family. Maybe go there for Thanksgiving and be with your family for Christmas, then switch the next year. That way your mom will know that you will be spending time with your family, but she will also know to expect you to be gone for some of the holidays as well.

I know how it feels to be stuck between where you feel you need to go and those who will be upset about it.

I've learned this: Do what you need to do. It'll hurt and be frustrating to have the other person/side upset and they might even attempt guilt trips. You have to live your own life whether they like it or not. Believe me, you don't what to end up making a decision to not go and then regret it later.

I understand trying to soften the blow to your family but know that however they choose to take your news, it is exactly that - their choice. They can choose to be happy that you have so much loving family on both sides or they can choose to be selfish. You cannot choose for them. Their choice is not a reflection on you but on themselves.

I hope that you have a magnificent holiday season and that everyone will find a way to be understanding about what your family needs to do at this time.

Frankly, your mom doesn't sound like a bundle of fun...hissy fits and holding grudges and generally being overbearing? Go to CA and don't look back. How your mom reacts is her own business and if she can't understand you have *your own family* now with it's own specific needs then she can just go crawl under a rock. Seriously.

Your DH is probably just as torn up about his mom, is worried about dad and his siblings, having even a second of "gee, my MIL might be mad" will just hurt him further. It sounds like this is the perfect springboard to giving *your* family the freedom it needs to break from mom. Be strong and don't allow a bully to run *your* family.

"Mom, you are such an anchor to this family, I just can't imagine how it would be to Dad if you were to die. I know you would want all of us to rally together and help him at the most difficult times, especially the holidays, which I know are sooooo important to you. We've decided that this is what we want to do for 'father-in-law'. We know it will mean soooo much to him to have family around at this tragic time. Thanks for teaching me how important family is. Now I can help hubby's family see what a strength it is to a family to gather together with the people that matter most. I can't wait 'till next year's Thanksgiving when we can be with my family again :D" We may have to take turns from year to year so that both families know how much we love and appreciate them."

-Tip: talk to your siblings, and if any of them will back you up on your decision, that will help when your mother starts complaining to all of them and trying to get everyone involved. I'm sure you're not the only sibling that is going to be living through this problem. You're doing the right thing.

Your problem is not unfamiliar. It is my MiL that is very controlling. It took us years before we realized a few things. First off, we are now the family unit. My husband, myself, my kids, we are now the most important family unit and that everyone else now falls into the "extended" family group. This is important because, secondly, we must always do what is right for our family. That only includes my husband, myself, and our kids. What we chose to do is not impacted by the "extended" family. The final thing that I learned especially is that my husbands' mother is going to do what she is going to do, and that I do not have to allow her (bad) behavior dictate how I behave or what my family does. I spent a lot of time tiptoe-ing around my mother in law and allowing her decide for my family what we would and wouldnt be doing. We even at one point took a few vacations that we knew she would be upset about but we went to great lengths to hide it from her.
Now in your situation, you need to realize that what is best for your family unit is that you go visit your father in law. It is what is best for your husband. Your mother will not be happy but that is her problem. I say enough is enough. You are an adult with your own family and you need to do what is best for YOU and not your mother. She is going to behave badly. That is her decision. Stand up for yourself and your family. Tell her that you need to go and leave it at that. I know this may sound harsh, but you may enjoy the quiet time her angry silence will give you. I dont know how to make it easier on you. It took a long time for things to get easier for us, but it took my husband finally standing up and saying enough. Since then my mother in law's attitude has gotten better. Maybe that is what your mom needs to change and stop acting childish. Do what you know is best for your family and take comfort in that. Good luck, and I hope it works out for you! Message me if you need someone to vent too!

My family is the same way. We were living in California and just moved to Utah. The last family activity they were pretty upset we weren't coming. They have never held a grudge though. I am sorry that your mother does this. We only get to see my in laws once a year-they live in NY. So it is an expensive trip for us.

You need to have a talk with your mother, because that is a little selfish on her part to not let you be with your in laws. Especially your father in law during this time. She needs to let go and understand that you have a family of your own now and that you also have another family to be with. You need to have a sit down with her and talk to her about it. Maybe she isn't aware she is doing it.

My brother's MIL is the same way. My parents used to live sort of near her, so my brother and SIL could spend time with both families. But his MIL would literally count how many minutes they spent each day with both families, but apparently only waking hours, and her family would sleep in until noon! We hardly got to see my brother, and they'd have to leave in the middle of something to make equal time. But his MIL was horribly manipulative, claiming that she was dying and it was her last year, etc. That was about 7 years ago, and she's still goin' strong.

While I would rather spend time with my family, I try to keep it fair with DH's family, too. It sounds like you have a lot of reasonable explanations for spending this year with your husband's family. 1 holiday out of the 10 that you've known your husband isn't a very good track record, and this year has special circumstances. I would explain this to your mother, and if she flips, tell her that you're sorry she's upset, but that's how it's going to be. And every time she starts to make you feel bad during the year, change the subject or come out and tell her that you'd appreciate it if she'd stop punishing you for the decision you made. I just read a book about dealing with manipulative people, and it was really an eye-opener. My husband is inherently manipulative, and the situations laid out in the book weren't easily applicable to my experiences, they sound more like the ones between you and your mother. I don't know if it's still in print, but it is called "Stop Being Manipulated!" They give lots of ideas for what to say to "neutralize" your mother's attempts to make you feel bad. I suggest you try something like that to arm yourself for the coming year.

You have some great advice here. I just want to say that I have a very overbearing mil. When we moved back to her state after being gone for 4 years, we put our foot down and decided/told her and my family that we aren't making things equal any more.... we are going to do what is best for our(he, me, our kids) little family. She was mad for a couple of months but it has been so empowering and liberating to be free from her guilt trips and know that WE are in control of what we as a family need and want. It took me about 5 years of marriage to get there but now we've been married 12 and extended family situations are so much better now that we make plans that are best for our kids, and what we(husband and I) as individuals need and want. She'll get over it and has to... you are an adult now.

It is really important to explain to her from a perspective she will understand. Ask her, "What if you were all alone for your first time at the holidays and all you wanted is your family around you?" Also remind her that your husband has lost his mother and needs to be around his family this holiday for his personal support and to support his dad. Play on the empathetic side.

Then there are several things you need to do in addition:

-Tell her you are going with your husbands family for the holidays. do not open the door to conflict. Keep it direct. Do not play into her anger. She knows she gets to you to get her way.

- Offer to have a holiday celebration on a different day, before or after you go with your husband's family. Present it in a way that you WANT to celebrate with her too, but for this year, this is pretty much all you can offer.

- If she begins to throw a fit, tell her what she is doing. Say, "I am a bit shocked that you wouldn't understand this situation. Why would you want my husband to be away from his family when he just lost his mother?"

- Finally tell her, VERY CALMLY AND CONTROLLED, "I love you very much, I want to be with you for all special occasions, I never want to make you sad or unhappy, but sometimes other people need me. Right now my husband needs me to be there for him, and he needs to be there for his family.

- One last offering could be, "Mom, take a break this year and come with us!"

However it comes out, you need to NOT PLAY INTO HER TRIPS! You are an adult with a life that you need to lead as well.

Good luck and Happy Holidays!

-

The answer is in the question: we've only gone down there once, FIL wants hubby & you there w/him. You go. I have the same problem-we wanted to spend a holiday with our best friends before we all moved to different Army posts. My sister-in-law wasn't having it AT ALL. She led with "I hope you are still coming for Thanksgiving", continued with "it will be so different after you guys leave, what will we do for holidays?" and finished up with "this is the last Thanksgiving we'll ever spend together".
I've got no magic ideas or advice for you, just know that you're not the only one. I would simply tell her that you've had all of these years with your side of the family, which isn't very fair to hubby's side who would love to see you too. That, along with the fact that FIL really needs to be around his family this holiday season & you won't be depriving him of that comfort (I'd say it like that-not depriving him of the comfort of his family). If she takes it wrong, as an attack on her, that you're chosing somebody else over her... oh well. She'll get over it in time & if she doesn't, you might need to sit down & say to her "I realize your feelings were hurt, but I need to do what's best for my family & that was it. I hope us deciding to spend holidays with the rest of our family won't cause tension like this every time." I got to the point that I was tired of compromising my plans to fit somebody else's life. It's really a great feeling to be in control of what you get to do! Just stop it now before it gets too bad-I did what somebody else wanted my family did for 9 years. It sucked but I couldn't make myself say no.
Good luck

I don't know if it would help for future years, but we switch off every other year whose family we are with. My family gets a little huffy about it sometimes, but since they know it's the plan, it helps. We usually are with my family 2 or 3 years in between, though, so I think that helps, too. My husbands family is on the East Coast, so it's pretty expensive to go out there, even every other year. You might also offer to be with her for Thanksgiving and then celebrate Christmas with your father-in-law on Christmas and your mom at some other time. We often do something the first week of January when my in-laws get out here. I hope it all works out! GL!

Instead of presenting it to your mom as an option that you might go to CA for Christmas and Thanksgiving, make sure she knows it's non-negotiable. And then thank her profusely for being so giving and understanding this year while you help your father-in-law in his grief. If you present it as her being the generous, giving, and kind then she has no reasonable way to complain about it.

#1 your married to your husband not your mother. For us, we do a every other thing with the holidays. So this year it's my family's turn to do Thanksgiving and his family's turn to do Christmas. Then next year we switch. This does not mean that we don't do Christmas with both or Thanksgiving with both...it's just that family gets first dibs on time frame. And the other one has to work it out around that schedule. It is hard my family has 7 siblings to adjust to and my husbands has 6. Then you had in all the other in-laws.

My sister's in laws are very nasty about it. And they put their foot down and then listened to the complaints for a few months. My bro-in-law finally told his parents that if they weren't happy with what they got, then he would not come to visit his parents. It was hard, but some parents can't allow their kids to grow up.

When my own parents get mean, we don't visit for months, answer phone calls, or we hang up on them when they start getting mean. They are finally willing to talk about the problems and we can work with them, but the silent treatment was our best way to get through to our parents.

It has beenmy experience that if you tell your mom that exact reason why you should go, you'll have to deal with her attitude BUT here's a way around it... tell the rest of the family the same story so when mom bitches, you have people to back up your reasons. I have to do that with my family. I hate games but sometimes people who won't listen or be empathetic, I have to play them.

hey, boy do i know what your going through, my mother in law is the same way, it has to be her way. Put your foot down. gently. it started over the holidays for us to, she wanted us there no matter what. finally i let her know that I have a family too so we began to alternate where we spent holidays and vacations. (never thanksgiving because my hubby is a great chef and cooks food galore!) so we see the in-laws one x-mas and see my fam the next. on the year we don't go to in laws for xmas we take our vacay to go see them three months after xmas. good luck.

When I was first married, we tried to please everyone from going to dinner to which jobs we would work. My husband was a teacher. IT was a white collar job that satisfied his mother (his two brothers also had white collar jobs.)
When he decided he was not happy teaching, he went into the Carpenter's apprenticeship program. His Mother had a hissy fit..and one of his brothers did too. BUT, it was the first time he had stepped away from his family and did something for his own little family and for himself. She eventually got over it.. but the main thing is He made that break that made us an independent family. You know what? Once his mind was made up..there were no more arguments about anything! If we decided to go away for THanksgiving, that was ok, we would plan to spend the next THanksgiving with them.
Sometimes circumstances dictate a change. In this case your father in law needs the attention, not your mother. She will adjust. You can be kind about the change, but be firm. IT's okay to do something for your husband and his family and this sounds as if they may all need each other this year. Do NOT let your mother stand in the way of your being a unit unto yourselves. Step out and be independent.

Hi, Maybe just explain the situation so that she can see that the father in law does really need some family time and that it is important, And then maybe start the switch off every other year and tell her that you will be here next year and then the year after that you will be with the father in law so he is not so alone.
Im sure if you present the situation she will work with you.
good luck

I second, third and fourth.. Kristen L!!! Talk to your siblings, get them on board and play the, "what if it was our family" card.

I so know how you feel, although I am kind of in the opposite boat. My in-laws are here and can see us any time they want (they don't), and any holidays they seem to think need to be up at their house. My family is in California, and I see them maybe once a year.

We just TOLD my in-laws that we have Thanksgiving in CA. (Thanksgiving is easier because we have the long weekend, where Christmas always makes it harder with work.) They might be mad, but it is just a date, if they really feel that strongly about a holiday, celebrate it at a different time. We also complicated things by now saying that Christmas is at our house, and they are welcome to come. We don't want our son to have to go through what I did as a kid - here are all your presents, leave them alone, we have to go spend the day at a place that isn't babyproofed, doesn't have a place for you to nap, and all they do is watch TV.

My father, also in CA, expects us to go to their "other" house. He doesn't talk to the rest of my family, and won't participate in a group anything, and gets all upset that we want to see the rest of my family if we are going through the expense and effort of going down there. (He has been up here twice since I moved - my wedding, and my son's baptism.) I was able to talk him into doing the group thing one time, and he seemed to understand the logic of choosing 10 relatives at a dinner instead of 2. There just isn't enough time to make those individual visits, especially when there is travel involved. He has since lost that logic and isn't currently speaking to me, so he won't see us, or his grandson come Thanksgiving. It makes me sad, but that is his decision.

In the end, I have decided that it is their decision how they react. I have to do what is right for my family (my immediate family), so if this year, it is to be with your father-in-law, which is totally understandable with a recent death, your mother will just have to get over it. And if not, then oh well, there isn't much you can do.

Sorry, that this probably isn't much help, but just wanted you to know that you are NOT alone.