Going from Mommy's Boyfriend to Daddy

You are going to get a LOT of advice. I'm just going to wish you the best and tell you I'm happy that you found someone to love.

I am not against living with someone before marriage. I did it myself 25 yrs ago with my hubby of almost 21 yrs.

However, with a child involved.....I personally would not live with someone if I were a single mom. My child would be my priority.

It seems that it would be too confusing for the child, most especially if things did not work out in the end.

Best wishes to you, whatever you choose to do.

When my sister found 'the one' her son was very young. Not two yet. She and 'the one' decided to get married. The biological father is still involved. The son calls second husband 'Daddy (insert name)'. She didn't want to take away from his dad but wanted new husband to feel involved as well since the son does spend the majority of his time with mom, step-dad and little brother. Hope that gives an idea.

Congratulations on finding a good man,and one that will love your child. I'm not experienced with this (I am still married to my husband), but I do have some thoughts. I don't think you should live with someone that you are not married to, especially with a child. If you want to get married, then get married, but don't live together first. I think that's harder on the child and I also know that the instance of divorce among peole that live together first is a lot higher than normal. The rest of my input comes from personal experience with my bro in law and sis in law. They lived together for years with her young son, who eventually called my bro in law daddy completely on his own (his father is in the picture, but just lives in another state, so he didn't see him very often). As far as I know, no one prompted my nephew to call anyone daddy, but he eventually did and that was fine. But, there was a time or two that they broke up and my sis in law moved out of the house with her son and he would say "where is daddy? When are we going back to daddy's house" etc. Very hard for a small child to understand that you are living with someone one day and that you aren't going to live with them the next, especially when you are taking that role of mommy/daddy (as opposed to living with grandma for a while or something like that). I would just encourage you to pursue this relationship, but not to live with your boyfriend, not to have him sleep over where your child could see, and to take it slow.

Another thing to consider - you don't want to rely on his financial support either. Again, if things go sour, and they do more often than not, you don't want to feel stuck in a situation because of finances. For instance, you are living together, he pays rent, you get a new car, now you can't afford the rent on your own, only with his help. You think you'd be better off without him, but feel like your child is invested in him, and you can't pay rent without him, and you hate to move your son, or make the sacrifices necessary (like getting rid of cable, selling the new car, changing preschools, etc.) to be able to afford the rent. Now you are stuck. Please consider the LONG TERM of all this. If you get married, then go into thinking you'll be married forever, but if you aren't married, you have to be in it thinking "what if we split".

Good luck

good luck.

My husband and I gained custody of his two kids when they were in the 3rd grade. I have raised them since then. They called their bio mother "Mommy" at the time. On their own they started calling me "Mom" and I have been that every since. I will add that their bio-mother has NEVER been happy with this... but it was the kid's idea not mine. Although it was the happiest day of my life when they started calling me Mom.

My point is let your son make that transition if it is going to happen. Don't force him to call this man "Daddy".

D.
SAHM of three:20,19,and 5. Home Baker and Candy Maker. Married to the same wonderful man for 12 years.

Please wait to live with him until he is "the one"--ie, your husband. Give your small family time to adjust to him in a non-threatening manner. With a child involved you need to be extra cautious and consider his feelings and emotional development. How confusing it would be for your son to live with a man who is not his father who may or may not suddenly become his father one day.

I met my husband when my daughter was 5. Her biological dad lived in Illinois and we lived in Texas, so he didn't have a lot of communication with her. When my husband and I started living together, my daughter started calling him "Daddy Brian", and after a while it just became Dad.. She is now 31, and that is still her dad. He walked her down the aisle when she married, he is her kids Papa, he's her shoulder to cry on. My advice is just wait and see what happens. It comes naturally to the kids... when someone is taking care of them, they either ask if they can call him dad or you can have the conversation with him, saying you can call him dad or you can call him by his name or just do like we did and call him Daddy Name... and if he proves himself a great dad, then your son will eventually drop the name and just be dad. Good luck!

my oldest boy was 5 months old when i met my now hubby. we dated for 3 1/2 years before getting engaged/moving in together. during those years, he spent more and more time with us as a unit and me as a person. it was a gradual/natural approach. yes he called him daddy, but then again he had no other man to call daddy. as for living together, we partially lived together on weekends for a summer before deciding that this was definitely going the route of marriage. thus we moved in together. i wasn't about to marry someone who i didn't know how they would react 11 pm at night with a sick kid for a week or how they grocery shopped or did they leave their dirty clothes in the floor when no one was looking. he had a similar train of thought. obviously it worked out because we stuck out a few months of rough adjusting and got married after almost a year's engagement.

yes i think living together for the sake of it is wrong. i think doing it in the natural order of living is fine. there are certain things you find out when living together that you don't otherwise.

N.,

The BEST thing you can do for your son is to not live with anyone until you marry them!!! You have a wedding and it kind of helps the child understand what is happening and it shows your son why he is now "daddy." The worse thing you can do is live with someone and then it not work out and your little boy is confused and not understanding why this man is here and then gone. Take your time...it isn't just you that could get hurt in this situation...it is your son, who is your #1 concern!!! Best of luck!

Your right to be very careful. My brother was engaged to a woman who has a 4 year old little boy. We and they thought things would work out; however, they recently broke up after realizing they should not get married to each other. She is a very nice girl; however, they found out after being engaged that it just was not right. My brother has expressed that he is so thankful that they never lived together because it would have been more confusing for her son and much harder of a break-up. Based on that, I would not recommend living together with a child involved before you get married. Unfortunately, there is more at stake than just your feelings. Good luck with your decision!

Call me an old fashioned, but I really think that you should NOT live with any many until after saying "I Do." Moving in together prior to marriage doesn't help any relationship and many times they fail. This would be extremely confusing to your child if things were not to work out. I know you're excited to be dating and I really hope everything works out, but I would think of your child first and not move in with him or have him move in with you until after being married. Once you're married, figuring out what to call him should be the least of your worries and just come natural.

N.,

SLOW DOWN! SLOW DOWN! WHAT IS THE RUSH?!! PUT THE BRAKES ON!!

It's WAY too soon for you to have your almost 3 year old son, call your boyfriend daddy. You first need to get to know this man a little bit more. You need to know this man's patient level when it comes to children, especially his age group. Not only that you need to know how he handles himself when he is under extreme pressure. Yes he maybe patient with you now, (note: thats because you are living in 2 seperate homes & he don't know your bad habits nor you his); but how is he with your son? Don't become so desperate for a father for your son, that you overlook the warning signs of potential danger, towards you & your son. Not only should you observe how this man is around you and your son, but observe your son how he responds to this man.

My advice to you is live in seperate homes, until you get to know this man better. Give yourself at least a year to get to know him, observe how he pay his bills, how he conducts himself around people he know & don't know, as well as how he treats you and your son around people he know & dont know. How he treats you two in private, etc. especially during those "PRESSURE" seasons in life. Then after a year, after observing all these aspects and he handles his affairs and himself well, and if you are confident that this man is the one, then I still wouldn't consider living together unless you are married. You know the saying "why marry the cow, when you can milk it"! SLOW DOWN, WHAT'S THE RUSH?

Move very, very slowly. I understand your feelings, but you have A LOT at stake. Don't even think of moving in with this man for at least a YEAR. Believe it or not, he'll respect you for that. Just like the seasons of the year show how a tree changes (bear with me on this analogy), during a year, you will see how your man behaves in different situations - does he wig out when things get tough? Consider yourself as interviewing this man for the most important position in your company - your decision will determine 98% of your happiness or sorrow and 99% of your child's quality of life. Guard your heart and move forward wisely!!!!

Dear N.,
You seem happy to maybe have found the 'one,' however, you need to consider many things ahead of you...his background, your motives, and your shared interests and beliefs.
Since you asked...NO, I would not recommend that you 'live' with a man before marriage period. Especially, with a young child involved it gets very messy. It would save you and your child many heartaches and your child's well-being is at stake. I would also not introduce your child to him until the relationship is more serious and the boyfriend is willing to see this as long term-marriage, that is. Living together is short term and neither of you have any ties in that situation. It's a try before you buy with an open door policy and a convenient return policy.

I was in the same situation. When my oldest daughter was 18 months old my (now husband), and I moved in together after being together for a year. She called him Don until we got engaged when she was 2 1/2, then she called him daddy. At that time, we just told her, "you can call Don "Daddy" now." Simple as that. From that day on, she called him daddy. She was so young at the time, it didn't phase her.
We were married when she was 3 1/2, and she's 8 now with a 20 month old little sister. My husband formerly adopted her when she was 4 1/2, so she has the same last name as the rest of us.
Until you guys are sure you're getting married, I wouldn't approach the "daddy" thing. Take your time and make sure that he is the man that you want your son to have as a father.

My daughter and I lived with my boyfriend for a year before we got married. For a long time, she just called him by his first name, but once we were engaged, she called him "DaddyMike". Well, One day out of the clear blue I asked her to "go tell DaddyMike" something. She looked at me, totally on her own, and said "No mommy, he is my daddydaddy." We actually let her real dad know, out of respect, and he was OK with it, saying she needed a father figure. To this day, she calls him daddydaddy. She made the transition on her own. To make it simple, the talk I had with her just said something about how we were friends, but now it was even more special, because mommy loved him. And it was even more special because Daddydaddy loved HER, AND my daughter. Hope this helps!

My suggestion is to take it slowly! Let your son decide if/when he wants your boyfriend to be his daddy.

Deb D

My father used to live with TONS of women that he would bring home who were always the one. I hated seeing them. I hated them thinking that I was going to be polite to them or that they could tell me what to do. I would absolutely not subject my kids to anyone until we were going to be married. Your son needs to know he is number one, he already lost his daddy he doesn't need to lose his mommy.

I'm happy for you that you have found a great guy! Since there is a child involved, I personally would not live with a guy until a couple years and marriage commitment. You just never know with relationships! Please consider being married before you guys live together, because if the relationship fails there is another personal loss involved for your child. I personally would wait to commit to marriage for 2 or 3 years especially because a child is involved, because lets face it we humans are very complex!
take care!

N., I would be VERY, VERY sure that the man cares for your child. My son turned 2 right before I married who I thought was "the one" and it turns out he hated my son from the start. I couldn't see it, but when I look at past videos of him with my son, I can totally see it. It has hurt me deeply and he hasn't tried to change. As far as the daddy thing, let your son choose when to do it. After you've been married for a little while, ask him if he wants to call him daddy. You may not think so, but he'll be able to make up his own mind. Good luck!

My son was 2 when my husband and I got married. We did not live together but after we got engaged closer to the wedding we would start calling him daddy so that he was used to it. My son's father was never in the picture. I would not sugarless moving in together. Because if God forbid something does happen then that would cause stress on your child that did not have to be there. I was blessed to find a man that loved my son as much as he loved me. Good luck and God Bless you in what ever you decide to do!

H.

N.,
My gut tells me that it's going to be hard to explain to your child later in later in life about the sanctity of marriage, sex and living together if you do not set the example for him. I would think you want to raise your son to be respectful and tender with women and I just can't help but feel like living together prior to marriage doesn't help that.

N.,

My husband and I have a blended family and we moved in together when I knew he was the one. We only lived together for about 4 months prior to getting married but my kids just naturally started calling him daddy on their own. Well....I take that back...my husband didn't feel comfortable with them calling him daddy at first not without having my ex-husband's permission so we talked to my ex about it and he was ok with it...and after several months of my husband's daughter calling him Jason (like he asked my kids to), he finally gave in and accepted them calling him daddy. It is a blessing for any person to find a significant other that means so much to a child that they would want to call them daddy or mommy.....no worries...when it happens you won't even have to work at it...it will just happen on its own

I am also a single mom of a child that is 2 1/2, a daughter. She does see her biological dad and he lived with his girlfriend before they recently got married and her son who is 4. I don't know that my daughter had any negative impact from that, but she also only goes every other weekend for 24 hours.

I am engaged and we have chosen not to live together before we get married and he doesn't even stay the night at my house. We both just feel this is best for her. She knows Mommy is going to get married but she also very aware that he goes at home at night. It was just the choice that we made. As far as her calling him daddy. We don't encourage it but if she says it we do not correct her. Although I do think the longer he is in her life and if we have more kids she will call him daddy. No matter what she ends up calling him, either by his first name or dad as long as she knows he loves her and is there for her, I figure a name is just a name.

As you said in your post, "it is still early in the relationship..." Take your time. Your hormones are all over the place which is normal.

However, you do have a child and that is where things change. There are two of you in this relationship (mother/son). Take your time and go slowly, keep your place with your child separate and keep your money separate from his. As others have mentioned, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Do have dates without your son at first until you know where this is really leading. Then have family dates - watch how the two (boyfriend/son) interact and react to each other. But do not live together even though they say you don't know someone until you do live together (dirty/clean clothes and other messes). Go with your gut feeling and be realistic and the welfare and safety of your son.

My son who has 50/50 custody of his son (11) just married and this woman was the first that the grandson really liked. Son said if grandson was not approving no marriage would have happened. Grandson was very pleased and happy at the wedding and handed the rings to the minister with a very big smile. Now grandson has more uncles and aunts and grandparents that he can stay with and enjoy the bonding and love he is feeling. (Long story on the bio-mother.)

Disappointments and rejections are harder on a kid. Do remember that you MUST choose your child over a man any day or there will be great/grave consequences down the line.

Good luck to you. The other S. married for 37 years to the same person and counting.

I was a single Mom when my now 19 yr old daughter was 3 to age 10. I NEVER brought men into her life untill a relationship was serious.(maybe 3 or 4 guys in that 7 yr period and of course only the last one ended in marriage!) And,then it was only out to dinner or that type of thing. I never had a man spend the night or certainly not move in. My daughter has said she thought it was wierd going to dinner with these guys or to Wal-Mart. She remembers. And she remembers it being "weird" So,I would be careful what you do. Your son is so young and will get attached easily.
Hope this is helpful to you.

Way too early to be worrying about that.

Where to start. Kids get attached and if he's good with your boy, you don't want a break up to break your child's heart. No living together until a long dating period has passed.

You also don't know who he really is or how he will treat your child when you aren't looking. 65% of step parents aren't kind, to put it nicely, to the kids.

Give it time. Allow yourself to get to know this man then include your son later. Be watchful, lots of predators out there.

I know you are lonely and would like a good companion, its the way we are made but your family, your son must come first and please please don't buy a man an expensive gift when you have a child to care for. He should be buying you gifts and food and other items if he wants to stay forever he will see it as an 'investment' in his future. I see this all the time and it kills me.

Read "All the Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right" I think there is some advice on dating with children.
Read everything and good luck to you. I hope he is the one and you all can be happy. C

I went through the same thing five years ago with my now husband. I had a one year old and a four year old and it was definitely changelling, however I wouldn't have had it any other way. The boys met him after about two months of dating at a public place that way they woldn't feel a lot of pressure (especially my four yr old.)Long story short we did move in together about eight months later but I didn't allow my boys to call him "dad" until after we wed which was about a year after moving in together. The children were very involved with the wedding so they wouldn't feel left out and actaully while my husband was putting on my four yr old tie he asked him if he could call him daddy now since we were (all) getting married... It was too cute!!! Oh and he did not stay the night while the children were there until afer we moved in tgether. And we had a long talk prior to moving in together in regards to the children, making sure we were completely on the same page when it comes to raising them, disciplining, etc.. We didn't want any stones left unturned when it came to them. Good luck with everything I wish you the very best! If it's meant to be it will be...

Hi N.,
Congratulations for finding someone who you believe will make a good daddy. I don't mean to burst your bubble, but before you say "I DO", please do yourself a favor and talk to your man about how he feels about religion, about discipline, about chores and about child-rearing. I am married to a wonderful man, we'll be celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary soon, but when we married he had 3 children and shared custody. Our fathers raised us differently, mine was always kissing us and telling us to always strive to be a better person, his father was racial, and showed his "love" by how hard he hit his kids. Your future husband may seem wonderful right now, but what happens if your son spill accidently loses the remote or
doesn't do his chores, how does he handle discipline?
Our road was rocky but we've worked out the kinks and work
daily on our beliefs. EX: He father didn't allow talking at the table, that's when my father asked us about school.
His father believed children don't deserve respect until they're grown, my father treated all his grandchildren with respect at an early age. This is just one example. Don't let the hearts in your eyes blind you, make sure your son is getting a well-rounded, well-adjusted mature person for a dad.

do what you feel is right, now as far as calling him daddy, wait till there is a ring on your finger. thats what i suggest. good luck and have a great time being in love

N., the best example that you can give to your young boy is how a man should treat a woman. Don't even consider inviting him into your bed, until he has given you the respect of marrying you first. If the relationship is in its early stages, make sure you get to know him for what he is as a person. That is what you should use this time for. This man does not deserve you and your son until he has pledged a life long commitment. And make sure that he is worth your commitment.
J. w.

Hi N.,
I usually don't respond much but I could not let this one pass. There are no guidelines for living with a man before marriage. You shouldn't live with the man before marriage. I know it sounds old fashioned but if he can live with you he can marry you. Don't put your child through it. He needs more stability than a non committed live in Dad that may be here today and gone tomorrow.

I wouldn't live with anyone when there's a child involved (I say this because I did it and it was so devastating to my little girl when the relationship didn't work out). Especially if you only met a few months back. As far as your little boy calling him daddy - that shouldn't even be a consideration unless you're married - and it would be even better if he adopted your little boy.

If it's going to happen , it will. If the guy is great enough and loving enough, it will happen. Just let things take their courses by themselves. Don't force anything. It will be artificial, a waste of time, and possibly destructive to you, your son, and the guy in question. PROCEDE CAREFULLY.

I was in exactly the same situation. My daughter was about 3 when my husband and I moved in together. We lived together for a little less than a year before we got married. But he and I were best friends for 2 years before we even dated so he has known my daughter almost her whole life. After we moved in together, my daughter made the transition from calling him by his name to calling him daddy all on her own. (The biological father is not in the picture). I never asked her to call him daddy, but once she did it we accepted that as her way of accepting him and just went with it. To this day, he is her daddy and he accepts her as his daughter, there is no such thing as "step" in this house. Since your relationship is so new, though please make sure he is "the one" before you let your son get attached. Before my husband I made the mistake of letting my daughter get attached to someone I thought was "the one" but when it didn't work out after 2 years we were both hurt and I would hate for your son to have to go through that like my daughter did. Good luck and I hope it works out for you.

My son was 2.5 yrs old (and I was pregnant) when my ex husband and I separated and divorced...long story, yes, I asked him to leave knowing we were expecting.

My (now) husband and I were very close friends for several years then and my son knew him as "Dave" and called him by his first name for a pretty long time. My husband has known my son since he was 1 year old. We started dating after my daughter was born and he was there for me with the kids more than their dad was (because by that time we were divorced). Over the course of a year, my son would see his father every other weekend (or so) and would come home and would be in the habit of saying "Daddy" and would carry that over to my husband, but eventually would switch back to "Dave", until one time he came home and never stopped calling him Daddy.

I witnessed a very tender moment between them once a few weeks ago (my son is now 6.5yrs)... my husband said, "Hey buddy - thank you for letting me be your dad" and my son said, "well - you ARE my Dad". He's right, my husband IS their dad even if biology doesn't say so.

As my daughter started talking, she just automatically called my husband Daddy and doesn't think anything of it. She is 3+ yrs old now, and calls her father Daddy too and makes him very aware that she has 2 Daddies. My ex resisted at first, and now he's just given in and knows that they call him that term of endearment becasue he's a very loving and positive influence in their lives and you can never have too many of those.

P.S. My husband and I didn't live together until 1 month before we got married and that was only because we bought our house and his apt. lease was up.

Right now, it seems that this guy "could be the one", but hasn't yet passed the final test. Until that time comes, he is your boyfriend and not your son's "daddy". Once you have determined that your boyfriend would be a loving husband, pleasant companion, excellent role model, good provider, etc., and a wedding date is set and the invitations are out, the concept of "daddy" doesn't come into play. Further, until that commitment is made, living together is probably not a good idea with a child's welfare at risk.

Hi N.,

My husband and I started off with a long distance relationship which is probably a little different than your situation. He has two boys from a previous marriage and I have my daughter from a previous relationship. We dated for about 6 months before deciding to move in together. My daughter was the main concern since she would be living with us and his boys with their mom. Sam would come to IL to visit us as often as he could and then flew my daughter and I to AL to meet his boys. That was the time that we told her about us moving to AL in about a month. She was a little shocked and upset at first but quickly got over it. I did not read all of the other posts from the other mamas but I remember seeing someone post something about discipline and other topics. I take it that there is only your son involved and he does not have any of his own so that might be a little easier. I would definitely talk to your boyfriend about the discipline and what his take on it is. You also should talk to your son about it. I know he is only 2.5 yrs old but you know how to talk to him and you do not have to get serious but maybe ask questions to see what he thinks. He might love the fact that he has a father since his biological one is not in the picture. I would also make sure your boyfriend is active in your sons life and does father/son activities so your son does not feel like he is being left out as he gets older. I would just let your son call him whatever he is comfortable with. Hope this makes sense and helps!!

In regards to the new boyfriend being called "daddy"- I think it makes a complete difference rather or not his real father is around. It disgusts me that there are women out there who have children and there REAL daddy's are around (even if it is only every other weekend, as that is standard visitation in TX and in most states). If your sons dad is completely out of the picture then yes I agree he does need a father figure in his life, however, a few months is no where near long enough to make such an important decision. Have you discussed with your boyfriend about he feels about being called daddy? I watched my step sister drag my niece from guy to guy calling them all "daddy", she would tell my niece "this is your new daddy now", and I am sure that is not your intention just as much as it was not my step sisters intention for all of her failed relationships but the point being is that it is a very real possibility. If it doesn't work out, what then?? You guys break up and then he looses his "daddy". I also agree with waiting until you are married before making the transition. My step sons mother lived with a guy from the time my step son was 2 until right before he turned 8, she encouraged my step son to call him daddy and the man would not answer him if he called him by his first name (my husband and I were appalled by this and completely against it as we are very much in the child's life) anyway long story short they never got married (fyi we found out when my step son was 4 that her live in boyfriend was being sexual inappropriate with him), he kicked her out, and she had my step son moved in with another guy just 3 months after moving out of the first guys house who she insisted on her son calling "daddy". She thinks this new one is "the one" and now tries to get him to call him dad also. It is just to confusing for kids to do that to them.... I met my husband when my son was 3, his father was not around and he grew very attached to my husband.. never did we suggest or encourage my son to call him daddy. My son is now 10 and sees his bio father once in a blue moon, he knows that is his father but will tell you that my husband is really his "real" dad, the one who has always been there and the one who is his father figure. Your new boyfriend can build a relationship with your son and create a bond, there is no need to attach the word daddy to it.. just let it be what it is and for your sons sake please take things slow. If you guys end up getting married he can "marry" your son too and then he can call him daddy.

For heaven sake, don't move in with this man until you're married. Suppose he isn't the one, then you and your son both have to suffer the separation! Think of him, not yourself and don't let your heart run your life. Think clearly. Take this from someone who knows the heartbreak that kids go through when things don't work out.

As for the Daddy thing, it will happen on its own and it should be your sons idea, not yours. If its meant to be, it will happen. Dont force it.

I knew this would be a hot topic, and just like T F, I lived with my husband before marraige 21 years ago, but we were young college students with no children at the time. Since you are a Mother first, and a girlfriend second you need to be sure your "the one" realizes clearly what that role involves. Make sure he sees you in bright living color putting the needs of your son before your own needs and especially before the needs of the boyfriend. Should you two (make that three) move in together and suddenly boyfriend doesn't like the late night sleep intrusions or the potty accidents or the occassional magic marker mess on the freshly painted bedroom walls...you need to know this before you invest too much of your own heart and the heart of your baby. When your son needs you, that is your first priority and unless boyfriend can realize that (usually by hearing NO a few times when his needs conflict with your childs) don't move in together. I don't have personal experience, but a good friend of mine consistently put the needs of her daughters before the needs of her boyfriend and boyfriend fell head over heels in love with her not only for who she is, but for the mother she is to her children. They are married now and have two more to the family, very very happy! That also leads to what to call him, should he become a part of the family and I have to agree with other posts, it'll come naturally. Your son is very very young, so let the two of them come up with something, but not Daddy until it is a locked down deal.
Good Luck!