Hey Moms & Dad's, my husband and I have been struggling for a few months now with our 3 year old son and 5 1/2 year old daughter. We have hit the stage of not listening, throwing tantrums and just down right rudeness and sassiness with both of them. We set boundaries in our house and do have consequences with their actions. Lately when they aren't getting their way they are throwing tantrums, full of crying, whining and throwing themselves to the ground (in public of course). It is becoming frustrating and we aren't sure what we are doing wrong and/or just aren't doing to better parent the situation.
Does anyone have any good advice/books/websites that you would recommend? We are at a loss as to how to handle. I am also pregnant with number three so my patience level is certainly getting low. My husband and I do work full time and they are both at school during the day, just to give you a little background. Thanks!
I highly recommend Dr. Sears Discipline Book. A lot of the advice is on his website here:
discipline and communication tactics:
http://askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior
tips on specific behaviors:
http://askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/botherso...
In public? Find a corner. Do time out right then and there. Or leave. Pack your food, leave a cart, just walk out. Then they also don't get lunch out or whatever.
If my DD screams at dinner about something, she gets a warning and then gets removed and put in her room so we don't hear her have a tantrum. My DD is 3.5 and I get that it can be frustrating, but if she doesn't want to eat or sit quietly, she's disturbing the rest of us at dinner. When she is calm, she can try again. I otherwise ignore tantrums. No audience - no fun.
Try 1-2-3 Magic. It's a great system that gives you something to fall back on when your patience has worn through. And you can both follow it easily so there is true consistency for your kids. I totally swear by it. There's a book to read and a DVD. I haven't seen the DVD, the book was fine for DH and I.
When my son was acting out a lot at home, i talked with his teachers and found out what they use for discipline, thinking that it would be great to stay consistant with them. They use the 1-2-3 counting, so i bought the 1-2-3- Magic book and it works. Granted, we still have our days where that doesn't always work, but i would say 90% of the time - it works wonders for us.
As far as the acting out in public, do NOT allow it. There were a few times over the years where I simply picked the offending kid up and we LEFT. Often that meant they lost whatever treat was coming (lunch at McDonalds for example.) It only needs to happen a few times and they get it, when mommy says stop what you are doing or else we are leaving, she MEANS it. Unfortunately that sometimes meant leaving a cart full of groceries in the middle of the store, but that's just something I wouldn't tolerate :(
Do they act this way at school/daycare? If not then they must behave this way with you because somehow it's working for them. Do you try to negotiate/reason with them? That's a common parenting mistake, it just makes things worse. Kids need consistent boundaries, and they need to know mom/dad is in charge. Do you give in to the whining and tantrums, do you give them extra attention when they are acting this way? My best advice is to ignore it. If my kids started whining I said "I'm not going to listen to you until you speak to me in a normal voice" and then I walked away. Same thing, if child wants to throw a fit they can go in their room with the door closed and do it, I don't want to listen to it. Once they calm down you can talk about how they can better handle the situation next time.
If their health and comprehension are all normal, sounds like your consequences aren't effective enough. This book is great for these ages, Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson. I have three non tantrummers ages 5, 4 and 2 1/2. They had no reason to believe tantrums would ever be allowed, so they gave up after a few tries. I implemented discipline in public a couple of times too when they only tried it there. All kids (barring disorders) will control tantrums if they care about the consequences.
watch the "1-2-3 Magic" video. It will save your life.
Been using the method for years now, & it truly does make a difference.
I am right there with you! My guys rarely act out in public, but I stay home with them and get the sassy back-talk throughout the day. My husband and I just had a conversation about it and we think we're doing too many "warnings" about the poor behavior before enacting a consequence so we're doing immediate consequences. For example, this morning I'm making muffins for breakfast and told my two boys (4 1/2 and 2) to get dressed first. Older son said "No, I don't want to," I said he had to if he wanted a muffin and he told me he didn't have to, so he lost the muffin. Ordinarily I would have given him the muffin anyway after he got dressed, but I'm trying to stick to my guns more! So no real advice for you, just support from the trenches :)
Sounds normal for a 3 year old. 5 year old is probably acting up to get the attention the 3 year old gets for tantrums. do not reward the 5 year old but set up time during the week where its just you and the 5 year old. As for time outs it has to be right away and take away something. I once threw a little toy out of the car while we were driving because I warned her and she wouldnt listen. She was so upset and when she found out it was never comming back and wasn't going to be replaced she learned. Course I didnt do it with anythign expensive it was a mcdonald's toy. But you have to do it while they are young because as they get older they realize that its only a Mcdonald's toy lol
Sounds kinda typical for the three year old but a five yr old should be passed that stage. Are they behaving this way in school? Schools usually have more routine, and more consistency then home. If they are able to behave at school then you will know you need even more consistency at home.
