Going Through Rough Patch - 4Th Anniverary Approaching

Was in a similar situation not so long ago.

Two pieces of advice: 1. Don't make a big deal about "his condition"- you aren't his therapist, you're his wife 2. Get a babysitter and make this husband/wife time.

For a low-key good time, a simple walk around one of the Twin Cities lakes is good. Walking gets the endorphins going, and lifts spirits. If you can make a habit of going for walks (or biking, etc.) after work, together as a couple--even better!

Good luck! You may not hear it enough from the students you work with, but THANK YOU!

first of all i would NOT make it a public thing.

second, when you say "I'm a special ed teacher - I deal with people with emotional problems for a living. I'm used to it" it makes me wonder if you arent treating your husband like a 'patient' or someone with some sort of mental issue rather than treat him like a person, with honor, sensitivity, and love as an adult. he doesnt need a special ed teacher, he needs his wife, his partner, his friend. he needs you to recognize the things he does do for your family.

one resource that im sure you will love is mark gungor. he does a program called "laugh your way to a better marriage" and is involved in a conference for men called 'the manly man conference'. my husband and i purchased and have watched the laugh your way to a better marriage dvd - and though it is 50$ or so, its over 6 hrs long, and it is TOTALLY WORTH EVERY PENNY!
i urge you to purchase the dvd set. i urge you to get your husband to watch. mark gungor has a lot of things to say and i have never yet met a man who disagreed with the way mark puts things. hes funny, hes entertaining, and hes RIGHT ON.

you can check youtube, and watch the extended version of 'mens brains womens brains' - which is an important part of his seminar. you can also check out another few videos from mark on youtube as well, but the brains one is the best one.

this will help your marriage, trust me.
theres one important thing that mark talks about, and it will make more sense when you get the video for yourself, but he talks about the fact that most men's interest in women is sex, and most women's interest in a man is the relationship, the romance, etc. he shows in a basic drawing that in order to get what you want in your relationship you have to give your spouse what they want. so remember that. even when you dont feel like it, do it anyway, and you will be surprised how loving and romantic your husband can be.

just steer clear of feeling like your husband is a student of yours. hes an adult, and the last thing he needs from you is to feel like hes in a submissive position to you, like hes inferior or not as strong or something. that line i quoted above really worried me, as if you are taking it as him having a special issue, and he should be treated a certain way because of it. you probably didnt mean that at all, but i just wanted you to be aware that unconsciously you might be doing it, and not knowing it. be very aware of the way you treat him, and treat him as competant and deserving of respect as an adult.
good luck, and i really hope you get mark gungor's dvd. its awesome!!

i'm really sorry to hear about problems, but please know they are more common than you may realize. marriage is a lot of work - which it sounds like you know. i used to hate it when people said that, but now i realize what they mean. in our marriage, i am the one with depression and if it's true depression he has, it can be very lonely. it really helps that you are trying to understand, but the truth is, unless you've had it you will never fully understand - and that's ok!. i admit, it's pushed my husband and i apart and made me feel very alone at times. what i would recommend is asking HIM what he needs from you. how can i show you that i love you? many times we speak different "love languages" and tend to do for our spouse the things WE would like - instead of the things they may like. have you heard of the book "the 5 love languages?" it's really helped me and my husband. It seems communication differences really cause a lot of division in marriage, and if you can both start speaking each other's "language" it makes a big difference because it is a way of SHOWING each other that they are loved. Even if it makes no sense to you. I pray you can get through this and be even stronger. I will pray for your husband too. Is he on medication? I fought it for a long time, thinking it meant i was a freak - and hating to admit i had a real problem, but the right medication can make all the difference. if he does go down that road, be patient wiht him, it means he is trying. i would also recommend getting involved in a marriage group or bible study at a local church. there is a great program called "Marriage matters." It's really neat - and free. Check it out at www.healthy-marriage.com they set you up with another couple that's had problems and want to help mentor another couple. they have you take a profile and try to pair you up with another couple with similar interests. try it out - this won't get better by itself, but with work it CAN get better. Ask God to help you both! God bless you!!

Now obviously you know your husband better than I do- but I can speak from the experience of battling with depression myself when I say that it may be a better idea to NOT make a huge deal out of your anniversary. He may appreciate a simpler smaller gesture, like his favorite meal at home just the two of you, and a heartfelt letter from you saying how much you love him. People with depression have a hard time dealing with high expectations, so if you plan an elaborate date etc he may just feel overwhelmed and inadequate. Make the evening a gentle showing of your love and support for him without making him feel like he's not going to be able to "live up to it."
Just my opinion...

Question - how long are you willing to stay in this marriage to prove that you can? I stayed in a relationship/marriage for over 20 years with a man who is clinically depressed. When our daughter was 4 I finally decided to show her that women don't have to "make things work" and do all the relationship work, housework, AND work to make a living for the family.

My life (our life) has never been better since I admitted that I didn't have to stay because "I'm used to it" and could prove that I could "make things work". Please stop working so hard and make a life for yourself and your daughter. It's not "giving up" it is taking charge of the outcome of your life instead of letting depression (alternatively called "learned helplessness" by medical doctors) be in charge.

I also agree with the writer who said don't make a big deal of the anniversary. A depressed person will likely sabotage any "big deal" planned with a last minute emotional crisis.

My pastor had gone thru something similar this one year but it was the death of a older child not marriage and her husband made very special get away plans for them. they went but that wasn't what she needed. She asked God to bless his sweet heart but what she really needed was to be quietly held and time to just work through it. He may not be up to social/crowd activities at this time so gently and sweetly ask him what he would like to do. Tell how you feel about him and the marriage again gently and sweetly. Just keep in mind that no matter what you do he may or may not be responsive. I have been married for 19 years and we did nothing this year for our anniversary because neither one of us felt like it. Yes there are situations even when you have been married for a long time but we just "Don't stop believing" and keep working on it. God's blessing be upon you. J.

It's not very creative, but maybe a night away just the two of you would help. Do you have anyone who can care for your daughter for one night? Just going an hour away can feel like a world away sometimes. A bed and breakfast or a hotel with a hot tub in the room (I had one at a Holiday Inn Express once)? Best wishes.

What kinds of things does he enjoy? If he likes the outdoors, plan a picnic dinner somewhere at a park - on a lake, by the river (I'm thinking Taylors Falls area), etc. If he likes fine dining, find someplace special or new. Get some family photos done and have your favorite printed for his office or your bedside. Hot air balloon ride? Trip up to the north shore to stay in a cozy little romantic cabin? Arrange a golf outing with several friends, or game night, or even a fun movie and a burger joint. It's hard when the kids are little to really connect because everyone is tired and things need to be done constantly. Hang in there. Have a heart to heart talk with him to let him know how you are feeling - like you aren't sure he wants to stick this out, but let him know as long as he does, you are 100% in it with him. And tell him it's okay to let you know when things aren't going good for him - whether they are related to you or not.