Going to a Funeral When Dreaded Aunt Is There

It depends on her kids. If they're just normal kids, take them and ignore the aunt. If they're too young to behave well or to attend a funeral, she can go and leave the kids at a relative's house or a hotel with her hubby.

I'm a sensitive, well-meaning, Wishing-to-Be-Perfect Person who takes other people's judgements hard, but have learned a wonderfully freeing technique that almost always helps.

I agree with them. With a smile. I thank them for their observation. They are right, from their perspective, and the information they give me helps me look at what I might want to change about myself. What a relief it has been not to have to deny or defend against other people's opinions. Or apologize. The simple truth is, I am a Not-Perfect Person, just like everyone else. And that's just perfect!

I'd like to point out that understanding this truth doesn't make them totally right to attack. If they didn't have their own issues, sensitivities, and self-judgements, they wouldn't find it necessary to throw criticism at me. Knowing that really helps, too. We all hate in others what we hate in ourselves, but noticing it in others is often an attempt to pretend it doesn't exist in us.

So, I don't know whether your friend can internalize this advice, but what if she were to simply smile and nod at her aunt, knowing the woman holds a partially-true opinion of her? What if, should her aunt say anything critical, your friend were to just say, "Thank you for telling me. I hear that you don't approve of X, Y, and Z about me. I'll consider whether there's anything I can do about that!"

Such a grown-up and sensible response. No additional drama required. Your friend has already endured the worst of it – the rupture of a valued relationship. It probably won't get any more difficult than that. She will probably feel the ongoing sadness, but doesn't need to be shocked at further criticism. If others are looking on, they are likely only to admire your friend for holding her head up and remaining positive.

I agree with Shane that her children, unless they're at least adolescent, would do better not having to sit through a funeral. Perhaps just the usual gathering afterward.

Your friend is an adult. Remind her to take the high road and remember the funeral is not about her or the Aunt.

Just tell your friend to be gracious and if the Aunt says anything to her, to tell the Aunt "I have heard this from you before, we are not the ones continuing to converse with you." "We are allowing your wish and staying away from you."

I agree if her children are not as described by the Aunt, she has nothing to worry about, it is the Aunts problem. If the kids do tend towards what the Aunt said, remind your friend to tell her children what the expected behavior is at a funeral, and if they are causing distractions to others, they need to leave or be taken out of the event.

I wonder if her Aunt is my sister.. This is what my sister told me about a year ago and yet, she still continues to say things to me even though I have stayed away from her. Nothing ever makes her happy.

She is going there for the family of the deceased, not for her aunt or for herself. I don't think she should ignore the aunt, as that might create undo tension, but she can say hello and be civil without lingering. It will only be as uncomfortable as either of them chooses to make it.

I agree with the previous poster, if the kids are too young or too out of control to behave, then they should not go. And since there are always 2 sides to the story, is it possible that her kids were out of line a year ago? If she was truly close to the aunt, maybe the aunt was telling her something that others have been afraid to say? Obviously I don't know the situation, but if the aunt was overreacting, I would think that your friend would have brushed it off more easily. It's harder to let go of things if you know deep inside that there is some element of truth to it.

There is a person in my family that says and believes things that are a little ridiculous. The rest of us have each learned to deal with her in our own way. I have confronted her about things when necessary, and we obviously are not close. But I can let go of most of what she says knowing that it's her and just the way she is. (I only confront when I feel she is truly lying about something, intentionally or not). Will I ever really like her? No, but I can be pleasant and civil and carry on a conversation, and that's what your friend will need to learn to do to get past this if nothing can be resolved.

It's not an easy thing, but it is something we all experience, and it's a good life lesson. You can't always avoid people with whom you have issues. Best of luck to her.

I would go, and if the aunt starts anything, just walk away.

If the children start to act up then she or her hubby should take the children outside. If there will be others there they could pitch in with the kids. Sometimes children act better with others but really funerals are long and boring for kids.

As far as the aunt I'd advise your friend to steer clear of her. She's not attending to visit or rehash anything with her aunt so just keep her distance and don't pay any attention.

You don't say how old the kids are. A funeral may not be the right place to take them, even if they are pretty well behaved.
If they have a tendency to not be able to sit still and be quiet, especially for something as somber as a funeral, I don't think the kids should go.
Since the funeral is far away and leaving the kids behind isn't an option, it seems the best alternative would be for the kids to stay with dad while your friend attends the funeral. He can stay at the hotel with them. Your friend can attend to pay her respects and at the very least be civil to her aunt, meaning, "Hello. I'm glad you could make it." A funeral is no place to bring family tension, although it happens far too often. It's terribly direspectful to the deceased, in my opinion.
If she doesn't take the kids, she doesn't have to worry about the children acting up. If her aunt says something to upset her, all she has to do is say, "This is not the time or place" and then get away from her.
The other option is to not go at all, but I wouldn't let an argument from a year ago stop her from paying her respects to the loved ones who've lost someone.
I don't think the kids should go to the funeral. If there is a gathering of some sort afterwards where it's a little less formal and there is food, etc, that might be fine and dad and the kids can go to that with her. If the kids act up, then they can graciously leave as a family.

I hope it works out the best for everyone.

As some of the other moms said, I am wondering if her kids are indeed out of control and bratty? If so, your friend should not be so defensive. Maybe her aunt is trying to tell her something that even her own mother won't say. (Interesting that grandma won't get involved either?) Kids will be kids, but we still have to teach them manners if we're going to take them out in public, right?

If she feels like her kids may act up, she should definitely not bring them to the funeral. Most funeral homes and churches have a separate area where kids can go during the services; perhaps there is an older teenager in the extended family who could watch the kids during the services, or an hourly drop-in daycare (like KidsPark or similar) nearby that she could take them to. It would be really embarrassing for your friend if her kids caused problems during the services, especially after the aunt already said something to her about it a year ago. =-/ Or, maybe her husband could take the kids and go do something with them during the service so your friend can pay her respects without having to discipline her kids the entire time.

I think she should look at first is what the aunt said true? If not, then maybe the aunt is just being a pain..........my hubby's grandmother was like this.........no matter what the kids did, it was WRONG......

Tell her to go, take the high road, if the Aunt is there, then be nice if she has to talk to her.........if not, try to stay away.............

Try to keep the kids in check as well......I don't know how old they are, but funerals is always a tough place for kids to be..........

She needs to let whatever the Aunt says slide off of her......and let it go....at least for this occasion, I would have gone to all the other functions too, and just avoided the Aunt. She is who she is.......maybe someone else in the family will talk to her about what she has done to your friend........

Take care and good luck.

The aunt may have been brash with her comments about your friends children but there may have been some truth to what she was telling your friend. Even the best of kids act up and it takes a lot of work (correction: A LOT of work) to correct troublesome behaviors and to civilize our kids. No mother ever wants to hear unkind comments about our kids, especially from a beloved family member, but your friend can't spend her life hiding out from her aunt and not making an effort to try to come to some kind of understanding between the two of them.

I don't know why your friend's aunt said what she said and I don't condone her snarky remarks but if she is otherwise a genuinely kind, loving person, then maybe the remarks that were made out of frustration. If that's the case, then your friend should probably contact her aunt before she leaves for the funeral and listen to what she has to say with an open mind and open heart. She doesn't have to agree with her aunt but, if she is willing to do this, then maybe her aunt will extend her the same courtesy and the two of them can hopefully come to some kind of peace and understanding with each other and hopefully learn something about truth, honesty and the value of talking things out and listening in the process. If they can do this, then hopefully your friend will be able to attend the funeral without feeling all of the anxiety and dread that she has been experiencing of late.

However, if the aunt does tend to be the caustic and intollerant sort, then the talking it out before hand may work if she is motivated to mend her relationship with your friend but, if not, your friend may just have to develop a thicker skin, a little bit more bravado to stand her ground when her aunt is around. Attend the funeral and be pleasant and cordial, and just be who she really is try her best to not worry about her aunt. But I do agree with the others that, if your friend's children are very small and there's a chance that they are going to be unruly, then it's best not to take them to the funeral. It just isn't the place for them.

Hope this helps.

I am going to be the bad one here and say that some things in life are not that complicated...........some kids are just pains in the patoots...as far as your friend goes, she should really find a babysitter because at that age a kid shouldn't have to sit there and be completely bored......afterwards she should have a conversation with them, in her own way of course, of what took place that day.
For the aunt, I would rather have my aunt tell me the truth to my face than to have her talk about my children behind my back. Everyone is so sensitive about who says what about there kids but sometimes guess what "if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck..." Her aunt is doing her a favor by being honest about how she feels.....other people sometimes don't say what they mean so as not to hurt anyones feelings.....but the worst thing in the world ladies, babies, and gentlemen is to be around nasty spoiled brats....these kids may not be bad to the extent where there needs to be an intervention, but maybe they need some issues to be put in check....

I know what your talking about! Sometimes Aunts can be so crabby that kids can not do a thing without being scolded or snapped at by an older crabby Aunt!!

I would just go in pay your respects and move about. I would not acknowledge her at all. My old crabby Aunt was just like this and for no reason. I decided to ignore her for the rest of her life. And thats just what I did, I did not even go to her funeral. She was a mean loud old women who took to hating me and my children for no reason. My kids were kids and behaved at all functions. But she would not say one nice thing about me or my children, she was rude and obnoxious at times. So I cut her off. No more reaction from me.

I do have to say it hurt me my whole life that I was treated like this. Keep your head high and do not give her the satisfaction of any reaction.

You are correct in that she needs to just go, not go out of her way to be near the aunt, and just be civil. Sadly we have family that we have not spoken to in almost 6 years and the next time we do will no doubtedly be at a funeral. We have the same plan in mind though. Just be civil if you come into contact with the person.

I am curious though, is the aunt completely out of line or ARE the children unruly? While she wasn't nice about how she said it, you mention your friend is concerned if the children act up which makes me think perhaps there is a reason the aunt feels the way she does. If so, that is a separate situation and while your friend's relationship with the aunt may never heal, she should absolutely be addressing her children's behavior.

I don't know their ages but we went to a memorial service in January and the only one who was slightly out of control of my children was a 2 year old. The older two were perfect angels at only 6 and 9. They knew why we were there and that it was a serious event that commanded respect. Unless all of her children are toddlers, I would be very disappointed if they didn't behave while there.

* I just saw your update. At 6 and 8, those children should be able to be at the funeral, wake, whatever, without a problem. The service we went to was compounded by the fact that we had just spent 9 1/2 hours in the car driving to the state it was in, just to sleep for a few hours, get up, spend another 5 1/2 hours in the car because of a snowstorm, get to the service, spend about 2 1/2 hours there, and to top it off, we headed back home right after it! Saying the children are spirited or egg each other on is not an excuse for bad behavior. I have three children with a 4th coming. All boys. While they can definitely egg each other on and two of the three now are more "spirited" than the one, it does not change the fact that they know when daddy and I mean business and when there is absolutely no exception to their behavior.

I hate to say it but I think your friend needs to stop blowing off what everyone else is seeing. Perhaps instead of everybody else being wrong because "they don't have more than one child", she should realize that perhaps SHE is the one who is too close to the situation to see the truth. Nobody wants to admit their children have any behavior issues or that there is a problem with their parenting. That's only natural but I have to chuckle when someone says all these people say the same thing "but everybody else is wrong".

** Update to your update: Ok, so she admits her children have behavior issues. While I completely agree the aunt should have approached the situation lovingly with her, especially if they were that close, it doesn't change the fact that the children are more of a handful than they should be. Is your friend doing anything to CHANGE that? It just sounds like a year later she is only focusing on HOW the aunt said what she did, but I haven't heard what she has done to change her children's behavior.

Dear A., I see this is a difficult situation but I do agree with you as I was raised with resposibility and going to a wake for the family sake is the right thing to do. Sadly, if she does not go there will be something else to talk about. I don't know the ages of her children but maybe she needs to speak to them about their behavior. If her children have not been to a wake before, her husband should stay outside with them and they can take turns visiting. I hope this helps. Grandma Mary

I didn't read all the posts, but is it an option for your friend's husband to stay home with the kids? Then your friend could go alone and she wouldn't have to even have the kids in that situation.

"I told her this isn't an occasion it's a funeral and you just have to be there for the deceased and family and friends and not your aunt, just be civil and move on."

That's pretty much what I would've said. However, I would've put the Aunt in her place the first time she said something negative about my children.

Family can hurt you the most with their words. She needs to be the better person and hold her head up high and attend the funeral. It seems like this Aunt would talk worse about her IF she didn't go.

Nanc

This may be an opportunity for restoration of their relationship. I would ask the woman straight out what her problem was with me and the kids and

I've had to bring my daughter to a couple of wakes (grandparents, etc). Most funeral homes have additional rooms that aren't being used at the same time. We go prepared w/ books and coloring and my husband and I take turns being w/ our daughter in this separate room so she's not in the actual room where the wake is being held. We did this just b/c we didn't want her in a room w/ an open casket not b/c we were worried about her behavior. They should call the funeral home ahead of time and ask about a separate room for her kids. At the cemetary, if the kids act up, the husband can sit in the car w/ them. As far as after the funeral, if they go back to someone's house to gather, hopefully other cousins will be there for them to play w/ and they can play outside. Hope this helps.

Go to the funeral... why is your friend letting this woman control her like this. If the aunt has a problem then it's her not your friends. And shame on her mother for not taking her grandchildren side. You say she's 'non-confrontational' .... she doesnt need to confront this bitty aunt just go about her business as normal... and for goodness sake dont let this woman ruin or make her family miss the hollidays.