Going to Sleep Issues in a 16 Month Old

Hi A. -

I know this is hard because I've gone through it with all three of my children (6, 4 and 16 months). I have really stubborn sleepers too! But, through much trial and error (I tried everything to avoid making them "cry it out"), I found that consistent routine is the best bet. Have a consistent nighttime routine (you're right, it gives them sleep cues) and put them down and leave. Don't go back in unless they give a pain cry (I did have one get a leg caught in the crib) or you hear a huge thud (I had one climb . . . fall . . . out of the crib). Every one of my children took more than the guaranteed "2 - 3 nights" to stop crying and just go to sleep. And one of them still cried for about 5 minutes every time to wind down (this lasted a few months). And now I have three really good sleepers. One caveat -- have you considered a noise machine? We got one with my 16 month old when we started sleep training and it has really helped. Good luck -- I know what it's like to dread that bedtime crying -- I think you are doing the right thing.

A. T.

Hi A.,

I know it's hard. I had to go through that with my youngest daughter when my husband was deployed and it was a nightmare. There were nights she cried in her crib and I sat outside the door crying too wanting so badly to go in there. But you can't. This is just my opinion but coming from a mom who did it you just have to stick with it. Believe me she will stop. It will just take some time. Hope this helps a little.

Do you keep anything in her bed with her? I know it's a bit controversial, but my 14 mo daughter seriously has about 7 or 8 books in her bed. She loves books and will sometimes 'read' for about 20 minutes before she finally goes to sleep. I put them in a pile in the corner of her crib and when I check on her hours later they're all over the place. She sometimes still has short crying spells, but she's generally too preoccupied to worry about it too much. I've even given her a book while she was crying (her favorite is one with babies hiding behind flaps that you have to open), she's promptly stopped to look at it, and I've tip-toed out of the room before she knows I'm gone. I realize every child is different; this is just works for me. Good luck.

It sounds to me like you already know that letting her cry it out may be the best thing right now. Twenty minutes is a long time when you have a crying toddler in her room...especially if the behavior is relatively new. I think you're doing the right thing letting her work it out. She's old enough to understand cause and effect and definitely smart enough to know that when she cries, she gets you in her room. The only thing I can suggest, having been through this tons of times with our 16 month old, is to try to keep her up another 10-15 minutes before the bedtime routine. Keep us updated!

A.

My daughter went through a stage of not wanting to go to sleep about that age. She was already in a toddler bed. She would cry and want us to come back in her room. I tried a few times but she just thought it was play time. So I then started to keep things in her room that were safe for her to play with in her bed. The first few days she still cried, but soon she just played until she feel asleep. There were times when she didn't sleep at first. I would still get her up at the normal time.

Today she is 3. She still reads her books and plays until she falls asleep. We all need some time to wind down to go to sleep. It takes about 20 min people to fall asleep (babies, toddlers and adults).

Dear A.,

My twist on the story is that I learned, when my daughter was only three months old, that you don't always have to pick up a crying baby.

I really had to use the powder room (if you catch my drift) and my daughter started crying/sreaming the instant I went in. She was laying in her playpen, so I knew she was safe. I knew my need would take longer than the usual 30 seconds I was alotted (by my daughter and my husband), I was home alone, and there was really nothing I could do about it. After a few minutes, all became quiet. She had fallen asleep. At that time in her life, if I had run out to pick her up the instant she started crying, she would never have gone to sleep. That one instance helped her learn to calm herself and take naps. In the first three months of her life, she never slept more than a couple of hours a day(night included) so I was a zombie. But after three months, she learned to sleep better and in her crib.

I still keep a fan running in her room when she is sleeping. You can use a white-noise machine, but my daughter's room is a bit stuffy and hot, so I run a fan. Your daughter may be hearing house noises and you and your husband moving around. Since she still wants to be with you, she starts crying. Something that makes white noise (even the vacuum, if you can stand it), whill help drown out all of those sounds and she may fall asleep easier.

As another poster stated, crying may just be a way for her to wind down and relieve stress, then fall asleep. If you go to her, you may be keeping her up when she really is trying to fall asleep.

A.

I think that she just wants to be up with you (you and your husband are surely much more fun than her crib). Its a bedtime battle and eventually this will stop. I would definitely NOT go back in, although I may leave the door cracked so I could sneak a look if I felt I needed to.

Also since schedules are always changing at this age, I would try working with her bed time a little. Maybe she needs 15 minutes more of awake time, or maybe she is going to bed 15 minutes too late since it is much harder for an over tired child to get to sleep. I would try moving the bedtime each way for 2-3 days until you see an improvement.

One last thing is that she is now old enough to have an item in the crib with her. Is there a comfort object or animal that might help. My kids haven't attached themselves to anything yet, but I usually keep a board book in their cribs. Often they will cry for 2-3 minutes and then sit down and start flipping through the book looking at pictures until they are ready to sleep - its still 20 minutes, but relaxing for them and less stressful for me.

Yes you just have to wait until she out grows it. There may be flexibility to the night routine you don't know about also. Maybe on the weekends you or your husband let her stay up or maybe when your not there your husband gets her up. That could draw it out. When my daughter was that age (and even now) my rule is no matter what happens bed time is bed time. If we are in the car and 7:30pm comes around she is to go to sleep, if she took a late nap and wakes up at 6:30pm, bed time is still at 7:30pm. It doesn't matter. Adults are the only ones who see the strangeness of getting up at 6:30 and going back to bed at 7:30. I started telling my daughter at about that age... "Look it's dark out everyone goes to bed now, so it's your time also." I would also talk about animals going to bed at night. Only just recently did she realize some people stay up. She said to me "Did you know that your car has lights so you can go places at night" Also we went somewhere to dinner for my fathers b-day and it was dark and she was amazed at the lights on the buildings. So exceptions do happen but they are like once a year. It just makes it easier if they don't happen. Also if she is still doing the crying thing consider maybe the bedtime is to LATE. she maybe over tired. They say "if there is a prob. with bedtime than make it earlier not later." My daughters bed time is 7:30pm and has been since she was about that age, at one time is was 6:30pm.

Hi,
My son started this at about 14 months. And unfortunately, he was still in a crib in our room (tiny house problems). When he would go down, or if he woke at night, it was cry cry cry. but I could tell he was just mad. One night it was 2 1/1 hours in the middle of the night. He would just start winding down and then my dh would jump up and storm into the living room because he couldn't stand another moment. Of course my son would see him, add "Dadday...Mommy... " to the cry and get his second wind. I don't know how, but I learned to doze off amidst it all.
This all being said, I am happy to report that my now amost 5 year old goes to sleep fine and doesn't get up in the night. It helps that he is not in our room now. He out grew the crying at about 18-19 months, still in our room. So there is hope, I promise. And you are not hurting her psycologically or anything asking her to go to sleep on her own. Hang in there!
A.

Hi A.,

Here are some web sites:

http://www.naturallynurturing.co.uk/sleep.html

http://www.minti.com/parenting-advice/13/top-ten-ways-to-...

www.snuzzermuzik.com

http://slumbersounds.com/baby-bedtime-rituals-info.htm

Hope this helps. Good luck. D.

All kids are different, and some do actually learn how to put themselves to sleep by crying until they get the hang of it. If she is otherwise fine and content, then let her cry for 20 minutes. You can use the progressive time method if it makes you feel better to check on her (e.g., let her cry for 10 minutes, go in and talk to her and pat her gently to assure her your there--but don't pick her up, leave and come back in another 15 minutes, repeat, then 20 minutes,25, etc. adding 5 minutes between checks until she is asleep. This way, you will know she is fine, she will know you are there, but her time alone gradually gets longer letting her adjust. You can also get things done and/or sleep between checks(turn off the sound on the monitor so you don't have to listen to her wail and set an alarm for the right time---10, 15+ minutes, turn the monitor back on to see if she's fallen asleep, then go console her with your voice and a pat if she's still crying). I think you'll find that she's asleep before you know it, she'll learn how to put herself to sleep better over time, and you'll have some sanity knowing that you are helping to develop a good habit. Good luck!

It is what it is...
My sister cried herself to sleep every single night when she was little. It was just what she did. She was tired and that was her way of relaxing. Don't sweat it. Lots of kids do that. My sister is a genius (so says her IQ) and is now a happy healthy 35 year old productive member of society.
She will grow out of it. She will NOT go to college and have to cry herself to sleep - I promise!

Good luck.

Have you tried staying in the room with her until she falls asleep to make her feel secure and then leave? That's what we do with our 18 months old. And Sometimes, if he wakes up in the middle of the night crying for whatever reason, we go in there and stay with him until he falls asleep. We are his parents after all, and we feel that it is our job to make him feel that we are there for him. I am not being judgmental at all about your decision to let her cry. It's not my place. But it is obviously not working out all that well for you, so it might be time to try the opposite approach.

I am sort of in the middle of the two earlier posters here. I think that she is probably missing you and wanting to procrastinate bedtime to be with you longer and have fun longer. But I also feel that letting her just cry is a bad idea (anything more than fussing and a little whining). I absolutley think you need to be firm and make it clear that you are not playing with her, and that she is capable of putting herself to sleep. However, I don't feel that she should feel that you are not available to her and are ignoring her. Letting her cry isn't working and when is she is falling asleep it is from wearing herself out, not learning to sleep on her own. Have you tried going back in without picking her up? You do want her to know that you will respond when she really does need you, yet make it clear this is not one of those times.

Here are a few ideas - maybe some combination will work.

Maybe do as was already suggested and change up the routine. Move the time around a bit and maybe change the order of some other things. Letting her have a comfort or quiet item in her crib is also a great idea. If she cries, go back the first time and reassure her (lights out, minimla talking and touching, maybe just say "no talking, night-night" and pat her back a couple of times). Give her 5 minutes and repeat. see how that goes for a couple of nights.

Maybe also tell her that "Mommy and Daddy are sleeping." She may be getting the idea that you are up and the fun is continuing without her. You could make a production of it, showing her Daddy in bed before you put her in the crib or someting similar.

Also, let her pick her bedtime story. Tell her that she can have two stories the next night if she doesn't call mommy back, and if she does make a big fuss in the mroning and let her pick two books. Depending on your child, she may be a little young for this, but it is worth a try. It was effective with my daughter around 18-24 months (and at older ages when sleep issues have popped up).

Last thought - is she getting two year old molars or maybe have an ear infection and having some pain?

First off, I'm not one of the sleep training people. I think kids need reassurance that mom or dad will be there, especially at night when it's dark and they don't see us. I see this as no different than separation issues when we go out and leave the kid with dad or a sitter. We tell them we'll be back, and then we come back.

What I did (and still do) with my kids is go through the whole bedtime routine, tuck them in, kiss and hugs, then tell them I will be back in X number of minutes. In that amount of time, go back in, hug and kiss, then say you'll be back in a longer amount of time. Start out small, like 2 minutes, then 3 minutes, etc. Eventually they will fall asleep, but they also learn that Mommy is there for them and will always come back. As she gets better with it, you can lengthen the time for the first visit, etc. For a child in a crib, you don't have to pick her up, just pat her back and say "night night" or something. It sounds like it takes a lot of time, but so does listening to a child cry and scream until they are exhausted. And as she gets older and more confident that mommy will come back, you may only need to go back once. My kids are now 3 and 4, and I tell them 10 minutes when they go bed, and only check once. Usually they are both asleep by then. I think this is a lot less stressful for mom and child.

If I may offer some suggestions. You can go to Yahoo search and type in "gooseysdream". That's where you will find me..I hope you find what you need to help you.

Thanks!

J. Fulton

The best thing I have found to do for a child that age is to stay with them until they fall asleep. We read books or sing and then just lay down with them until they are asleep. Reading and singing helps keep them occupied in bed. I find by the end of the day if they are still for a few minutes they will sleep. They just don't want to miss anything. If she is in a toddler bed then you can sit beside the bed. If she is still in a crib then consider switching to a toddler bed or read and sing in a big comfy chair or rocker. It does not sound like either of you are enjoying the cry it out thing. Staying with her while she falls asleep will probably take less time than the crying and she will fall asleep happy and you will not be put through the emotional mess of the crying. We find reading and singing to be a special time that they look forward to instead of dreading the time mommy puts me in the crib and leaves me.

Alexis sounds like a wonderful mom. she is giving you excellent advice in my opinion. i couldn't have said it better.

Dear A.,
My children are grown now and I am in the Mamsource community because I now have three grandchildren. Don't laugh, but my suggestion to you actually comes from watching 'Supernanny'. I have watched Nanny Jo help many a family put kids (of all ages) to bed successfully using this method:
1. Have your bedtime routine of teeth brushing, reading a story and hugs & kisses, then tuck in and say 'goodnight'.
2. If the child gets out of bed, you come in and say, 'Time for bed!' then walk the child back to bed.
3. For each and every time following that the child gets out of bed, you simply walk the child back to bed without saying a word.
4. It may take many, many trips initially, but I always see it working.
As for the crying, If I remember correctly I believe, Nanny Jo says to comfort and reassure the first time, then ignore thereafter.
Hope that helps!
J. F.

Hi A.,

Mom of 2 here. If she's crying, and its 'horrible' then yes time to try something different. Have you tried co-sleeping? It has worked wonderfully with our kiddos. You can find more info on it at www.askdrsears.com. It has lead to happier, more restful sleep for all of us.
Good luck!
S.