Grand Daughter Cries When She Goes Home,

I think she might need some counseling. I also think telling her that if she has a tantrum, she can't go or you won't come etc. I see that as being mean. I am assuming the 3 yr old is the step mom's bio child. So if that is the case, Lilli lost her mom when she was 2? Old enough to realize something is missing. If she is having these tantrums, than she should be taken to see someone so she can learn how to handle things and deal with her feelings of abandonment. It is not going to suddenly clear up.

DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT cut out her visits with you because of the crying, that will only make her separation and abandonment issues 10X worse!

She is hurting, she is confused, her mother is gone, she hardly sees her father, and I am sure she feels step mom cares more for the boys then her. She NEEDS you to be on her side in this. Get her into therapy ASAP, it would be good for the entire family to go, but the little girl needs it for sure.

Six can be a tough age for any kid, especially if there is a lot of new changes to the household. I would encourage your son to seek counseling for her if she has abandonment issues. That she cries after being in your care may also be fear of losing you since SM's parents passed away. She may not be able to express that fear, but that is also something that can be addressed with a counselor. You and the parents may also want to discuss grief with her, and look for books on how to handle grieving children or fear of death in children.

First of all, she's 6. So remember that she needs to learn how to handle her emotional responses in a healthy way, and as adults, it's her mother's and your job to teach her how.

I very much suggest that you and her mom read the book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk." All too often, we invalidate our kids' feelings when they just want to be heard. Instead of getting upset that she's "carrying on," try this: She starts getting upset. Sit down so you can look into her eyes. Say, "Oh, honey, your face looks pretty sad." Wait for her to talk. She'll probably say something like, "Yeah, I don't want you to go! I want to stay with you." Respond with a thoughtful look and say, "I understand. I miss you too. I wish Sunday (or whenever the next day your planned visit is) would get here RIGHT NOW. (Smile) I wish we had a time machine!" wait for her response and listen to her wishing too. Nod and show that you REALLY hear her. Give her a big hug and tell her the next visit will be here before she knows it.

Often children know that we can't give them what they want whenever they want it. But they don't know how to express their feelings. They just want to be heard. After they feel heard, the situation is usually diffused and they feel better.

There's a lot going on here.

First of all, blending is difficult. So is being part of a family of 4 kids. Your granddaughter (and you) want it both ways - for her to be a part of something, but also to have "individualized attention." The fact is that kids in families (whether blended, biological, or adoptive) all want more attention then they are getting. They have to learn to share, to wait their turns, to go without. You say that the 3 boys "have each other" but they may not feel that way all the time! The 8 and 7 year olds don't love waiting for the 3 year old to do stuff, they don't like having more chores, etc. So don't assume that their life is all rosy and that your granddaughter has all the problems.

I understand that she has abandonment issues and those may require some therapy or special techniques. I tip my hat to the stepmother - she's got a lot on her plate, and losing both her parents must have been very difficult. It's likely that your granddaughter sees that loss and also has a sense of your mortality. She may be more attached to you because of that, and she may be more attached because she gets your undivided attention. If you had all 4 kids, her life would be different and so would her responses, believe me! I'm not sure what's up with the "following you around" thing - but if this little girl is expected to give you some space and do what the other kids are doing, I think that's part of building a family routine. Overall, being part of the group is better for her sense of belonging. Every time she is made to feel "different" (either positively or negatively), it reinforces the gap between her and her stepmother.

I think letting the stepmother (with the father) be in charge is the only way to go. I think helping a 6 year old get a grip and stop the tantrums is an okay thing. She's old enough to control herself in school and other places, and if she gets her way by throwing a fit, it just reinforces it. I think it doesn't have to be a "punishment" so much as the idea that "Sweetie, you're obviously not feeling yourself tonight and I think it's too much for Grandma to take a crying child with her." You can add, "When you're feeling better, Lilli, it will be so fun to have you with us. For now, why don't you have some quiet time until you can behave?" I wouldn't say that someone isn't coming back - that's too permanent and scary. But the idea that she's not going THIS time and that she is perfectly capable of communicating her needs and wants without screaming is okay. The same language should be used with any of the other kids who throw a tantrum - so the rules are consistent for all 4 kids.

I agree with the idea of the book "How to talk so kids will listen" and other similar books. Anything that Mom and Dad can agree on, and share their philosophy with you, will be good. Consistency consistency.

Tantrums are about a kid not knowing how to express feelings, so giving the words for those feelings can be helpful. But giving in to them is another thing entirely - the point is to redirect the behavior and have the child see that she will get much more of what she wants if she changes her behavior.

I'm glad you think the stepmom is a great mom, but if all the kids are in need of therapy, someone is doing something wrong.

For one thing, they should not be denying your granddaughter her emotions. They should not forbid her to cry or follow you around. That is very harmful to her, and it indicates that they don't know how to parent properly, and therefore your granddaughter is probably going to have more issues as she grows up.

Unfortunately, you can't change what her parents are doing. Whenever grandparents try to give advice, it usually isn't well-received, so I don't know what to tell you.

Just keep giving your grandkids the love and attention they need, and try to help her not to cry and carry on when she leaves you. Good luck with everything -- I have a feeling you are going to need it.

And yes, it's harmful to tell your grandkids your fears. You have to be the strong place, their rock, the person they can talk to. So listen to them and love them. Mirror their emotions: "Yes, I know it's sad when you have to leave grandma. And I will see you again very very soon." Hugs and kisses. That will be worth a LOT.

Lots of great advice below. I love the two responses below mine.

aw, poor little peanut. she sounds sad and bewildered and overwhelmed.
i am SO glad she has you, and a great (if also overwhelmed) step-mom.
i do disagree with the decision to curtail her visits with you because she cries at the end. she's only 6, and struggling to handle her emotions. i remember how pissed off my mom got when i howled at the end of sleepovers with my little bestie at that age, and her telling me i wouldn't be able to do it any more if i didn't knock it off, and the feeling in my chest as if i'd burst. i get the adult frustration, but i vividly remember how it felt to be that age, and full of sorrow, and helpless. and my situation had no tragedy involved, just the end of fun. i can only imagine how magnified it is for little lilli.
but it sounds as if her parents' philosophy is different, and unless they're willing to listen to suggestions, you'll be shooting yourself in the foot to try and dissuade them. i understand their reasoning, and your main purpose is to stay involved and not alienate the family, so you can't offer suggestions unless they solicit them. the best you can do (which is a VERY good thing!) is simply to be available, warm and welcoming, supportive of the parents and loving to the kids, as much as you can. you can't fix the situation, but you CAN be a soft place to land, for the parents as well as lilli. as for lilli, i'd be calm and accepting, and let her talk to the degree that she's able to express herself. 'sweetheart, you sound sad. can you use your words and tell me why? oh, i know you want to come with me. sometimes it's so hard when we miss someone, isn't it? come here and give me a big hug. i love you very much, and i'll miss you too. but tonight is the boys' night, and i promise i'll see you very soon.'
don't scold her, or ignore her. acknowledge her frustration, let her know she's heard, and allow her to cry. her parents may be annoyed with her, or punish her for it, and that's out of your hands, but YOU can be calm and understanding, without throwing her folks under the bus.
such a tricky situation. i'm very glad that this family has you to help.
khairete
S.

I'm sure you have plenty of great answers here from these mammas.

This is a hard situation. Love, Love, Love. Just keep loving her and all of them. Be kind and good and interested. You're doing great.

Maybe you can have Lilli more often, it sounds like that is what she needs and that's okay. She's the only girl and that makes a difference too. Give her what she needs now and less problems later, especially as a teen. And so what does she need? Security, Stability, Love, Understanding, Warmth, Joy, Smiles, Laughter, A Sense of Belonging.

If you're willing and able to take care of her and the others, just do it in joy and tell this to the sm. Obviously this child wants to be with you, let her be. Also, children do not take well to transitions, even in a "normal" setting, and so address that by telling her what is going to happen and make it light and happy. Sing a song, the same song when it's time to leave and when it's time to come in. This makes all the difference even if it doesn't seem so, especially at first. ~~ When it's time for the children to go home at our house we sing the following in a very calm, sweet way: ~(we started this when they were about 2 but you can begin now and keep it going, it didn't always work to save the upset, but it still brings a sense of transition and order and love that children long for) ~ "Good bye, good bye, we traveled so far from heaven above we shine like a star."

When we enter the house or when we enter a new situation, we take a moment and quietly say as we touch our head, lips and heart: "Clear thoughts, wise words, kind heart." Then we sing with matching movements: Where is thumbkin.

These things alone when done in calm, kind, gentle, light ways consistently helps greatly. It's something everyone should do. We must allow ourselves to enter the child's world, their innocence.

This family which you are a big part of needs to find a way to blend as a working, loving unit, not to just do the motions of every day stuff but to find the meaning and life in it all. Perhaps you just need to take her more and everyone be okay with that.

This little sweetie needs you as I'm sure the boys do too. But maybe, if it's feasible, she needs to be with you, live with you. Is that a crazy thought? Maybe not.

My prayers are sent for you and Lilli and all the little ones and adults for joy, for doing what is truly meant to be for each and all. LIVE and LOVE

How long has she been with her blended family?
Blending isn't easy and it takes time - a lot more time than most people think.
Some family counseling might help with that.
I think she needs more time blending and bonding with her new family.
She might be having trouble with transitions but at 6 she's a little old for that and the tantrums.
Do you have the boys over too?
You might need to do some blending too.
I think kids often take cues from the adults around them.
If she's picking up on you feeling sorry for her situation, it might be amplifying some negative behavior.
There are worse things than her situation - you should tell her how lucky she is to have nice brothers and parents (and you) that love her so much.
Of course the kids are going to squabble a bit from time to time.
Try to stay out of that - they and their parents will work it out when it comes up.

My co-worker shared with me that she went to visit a little girl and tried to speak to her and the little girl looked away and turned up her lip and did the mm number. She says she told the little girl in front of the parents that she needed some social skills. She shared with me that parents have to teach children to speak when spoken to.

So, shortly after that, I went to my cousins house. She fosters children and she brought one of the little girls to me and introduced her to me. I tried to speak to the little girl and she refused. She just stood there with an angry face. My cousin continued to coax her to tell me her name. I finally said, "It's alright, she can tell me later" to let her off the hook. My cousin responded that it was not alright and she needs to greet people and say hello because it was rude.

In my mind I said but she is sad and probably thinking of her mom and family...but Adrienne said kids need to speak when people speak to them. I continued thinking that I guess she has to learn to cope with her situation and accept it for what it is, so that she can move on with her life and live as normal a life as possible.

The history behind my cousin is she has fostered for quite some time. She has raised two foster children and they are in college, doing well socially. The boy is wonderful and greets me with hugs when he sees me. He accepts me as his family. She also has an adopted daughter who has gone through some very traumatic situations, before adoption. She has been to a lot of counseling with this particular daughter. That doesn't make her an expert, but at face value, I think they have to learn to cope with their situations and that is perhaps how your granddaughter's situation could be viewed.

Perhaps a lot of grandma to granddaughter talks and reassurance are needed. I think we have all had to teach our children that they can't always have their way. Unfortunately, this is a very heartbreaking situation, but never the less, something you cannot change. It sounds like you are her biggest and bestest friend and you will have to help her understand and accept the things we cannot change, outside of some professional counseling.