Grandma Not Supportive of Homeschooling

I have not home schooled my children but I have said many times if I had of known then what I know now I would have doneit. While not having a certificatr in teaching the teachers who I did volunteer work with would over see making sure they were not asking too much of me said I am a natural. I should be a teacher. At age 52 I feel I have waited too long. I think part of the issue with your grandma is change.Being older she probably thinks your child should be schooled in the regular or as she sees it normal way. All I would say to that is before we had organized schools and the lowere classes who could not afford nannies or tudors who were the teachers but the mothers. And women were honestly more book learned than men were. Young girls learned to read and write doing samplers. Just be patient she may come around it also sounds like she has a lot on her plate.
I think you are doing the right thing. There is so muc help out there that was not available to me when mine were younger.
Just a little note to add. I went to the state PTA confernece a few years ago and there is a contect called refections and it can be written, musical work, art, and photography. The year I went the young gentleman who won for the state of Ohio wrote an essay about using the jumping off point of what if. It was a story of a young fathers reviewing his own life while watching his son play football. Needless to say if was a very sad story and even the men in the hall were crying like babies. It was basically about his last football game to be state champs and he was injured and chose to finish playing and now was in a wheel chair and it was during his son's game he realized that there wre more important things in life than just a football game. He played in his head what life might have been like if he would have finished the game on the bench and been able to stand tall to cheer his son on. He was home schooled so were the music winners who were from the same family 2 years in a row. Very talented young ladies.

The one piece of advise on dealing with Grandma's that stick out with me is something my dad once said. Grandma is 80 years old and nothing you say is going to change her opinion on something. Once I was able to accept that a lot of inner conflict just went by the way side. I let her have her say, let it roll off my back, and have confidence in the fact that I know what is best for my child.

I wish you luck. Enjoy your time with her and accept the fact that she does not have to agree with your decision.

Hi R.,

I home-schooled our 2 girls all the way from pre-school to 12th grade. At first, my in-laws were not too sure about it but as time went on and they saw how well the girls were doing, they became supportive. There are so many home-school activities available in most areas. We had a home-school band, home-school choir, home-school swim and gym at the Y, etc. etc. One thing that I noticed, is that the girls had friends of all ages, from toddlers to the elderly. They are now both in their 2nd year of college and continue to do very well. When the grandparents compare our girls with their cousins, who took the traditional route...well, let's just say our girls did not have to go sow wild oats to "find themselves". They are very confident, socially-adjusted young women.

You may want to check out some Raymond & Dorothy Moore books from the library. He is considered by many to be the "grandfather of home-schooling". He has his doctorate in Education and is very well qualified! I went to hear him speak a few times and I remember him referring to a formula for genius. I don't remember all of it but I remember part of it was to make sure your child spends more time with you than with their peers and to let them explore their interests.

All the best to you,

C.

Even though I have a degree in Day Care (preschool), I don't recomend it to anyone that doesn't absolutely need it. Kids at this age are sick more often because they unknowingly share germs with their friends. They also tend to pick up bad habits of others: agressive behaviors, language, etc. Young children don't need a lot of socialization with their peers and I'm sure that your daughter gets ample from what you wrote.

I know that you don't want to hurt your Grandma, but you are the mom here and you need to decide what is right for your daughter. It seems that it is possible that Grandma wants to have you and your daughter more involved in her church; is this possible? Perhaps attending church with her and/or letting your daughter go with her to Sunday School would satisfy her. I don't know, just guessing. I hope that things work out for you without damaging your relationship with Grandma. God bless you as you work through this struggle.

Do you have training to be a teacher? If not, I'm guessing that she thinks a lack of education on your part will lead to a lack in your daughter's training. There is a reason teachers have to be certified to teach and your grandmother probably agrees.

First of all, congratulations on not backing down from your grandmother. It is hard when you decide to do something different and often times family are the last ones to support you. You have to remember, she grew up in an era where public school was almost sacred. It's hard for her to imagine what it would be like NOT to have that in your life. Unfortunately, she refuses to see your desire to do the best you can for you daughter.

Probably the biggest point you'll have to fight about homeschooling is the socialization. And, that always cracks me up because people think that is the only way kids can meet other kids!! Right now, it'll be hard....but after you've homeschooled a while just point to your daughter while she's talking to another kid and say, "What do you think?" And even if she is around adults a lot...do you know what happens? They learn to speak and think more like adults...which is really the goal anyway, isn't it? So, don't back down on your decision. Hang in there...before long you'll begin to feel more confident.

As far as your grandmother and anyone else in your family for that matter....just keep doing what you can. Don't force articles on her or talk about it with her if you can. She obviously has made up her mind as you have yours. Just gently remind her that this is your job and you are sorry she doesn't agree. And, then leave it at that. AFter a while she will hopefully see that this is really what you want and she may warm up to the idea. I'm sorry for you because I know it's painful...I have family members who are still leary of our decision to homeschool and it's been 8 years!!! But, they also now know that this is our choice and we are sticking with it.

Hang in there, Mom!!!

I can see both sides of this coin. We are becoming a less and less socially interactive society and then when we have to go out and join the world of middle school, high school, college, and employment are not prepared to deal with all types of people at all levels. Some of this has to do with home-schooling, some because we are so computer dependent for corresponding with others, and some of it is due to the video games and fear of allowing our children to go outside to play with the neighborhood children. I am not thrilled with public school and can't afford private school but am not qualified to home school and really don't think it would be in my child's best interest to do so.
Ask your grandmother when it became necessary for all children to attend pre-school. I have been asking myself this questions for years. Your grandmother's children may well have not even attended school until they started 1st grade!!!
Could it be she feels if your daughter was in pre-school it would free you up to spend more time with her? This may be the bottom line. She doesn't have any one on one time with you, your child is always present.
Just sit down with your grandmother and explain that the two of you are not going to agree on this and it is best not to continue to discuss it since it is putting a strain on your relationship with her and causing you to want to avoid her company.

Since the preschool is at her church, it is possible that is the key.
1. Perhaps she is getting peer pressure from her friends to support the preschool by having your daughter attend.
2. Perhaps her friends have grandchildren / greatgrandchildren attending there.
3. Maybe she wants your daughter to socialize with them.
4. Maybe the church is actively recruiting children for the program.
5. Maybe she wants to get your family more involved in her church, and this is a step in that direction.
6. Maybe she wants to proudly show off Beatrix and this is a way to do it.
7. Perhaps a teacher there is a daughter / granddaughter of a friend.

To Do: You know what is right for you, and most importantly what is right for Beatrix. What are YOUR reasons for homeschooling? (Don't tell me, just examine them yourself.) I have a friend (years ago) who was facing having both DD & DS in school full-time, so she had a 3rd child. Was that for the baby, or for herself? Don't know, but it looked questionable. Maybe this is grandma's thought line. She will not give up her opinion, so you may just have to live with this. You cannot expect to always have everyone agree with everything you do, so maybe that is time for you to be strong in yourself.

Just keep loving her, in spite of your differences. It is too important to keep the relationship alive, to let it degenerate due to differences of opinion.

Good luck!

R., my grandmother was my best friend. Living just two houses down from her, I spent much of my childhood at her side and during my teen years when everything was a struggle, she was my constant support. As a teacher, she took extra time to make our time together an educational experience for me and it was some of the most enriching times of my life. When I had children of my own, I wanted to provide them with those same wonderful experiences that my grandmother gave to me, but not one in my family thought it was a good idea.

Like you, one of the things I've heard over and over is that my children need the social experience they gain at school. What people against home schooling don't understand is that when you home school, you give your child a more realistic social experience. There is no other place than at school where you are almost exclusively surrounded by people your own age. Home schooled children generally learn to work effectively with people of all ages and in a variety of environments.

There are many other things that make home schooling a benefit to a child and a family, but I doubt I need to share those things with you. However, there is something else you should know. Despite all the negative thoughts and feelings, my family did eventually learn to keep their thoughts about it to themselves and three of my four home schooled children have all graduated early. One graduated at 17 and joined the Army. One graduated at 16 and is now working for a University in TN. The last graduated at 15, took college classes and is working with his father until he is old enough to join the Army. All three had extremely high GPAs and thank us for the opportunity to do something most kids their age only dream about doing. As a side benefit, we were able to teach them our morals, avoid a lot of the pitfalls that many teens experience and develop a wonderfully close relationship in the process.

I homeschool my kids also & have been for the past 3 1/2 years so I applaud you for doing it also. I only do mine parttime right now because of my school schedule but still consider myself a homeschooling mama. Perhaps, have your daughter draw your gramma a picture of what she does during the day? I know it sounds silly but when my dad used to have a hard time accepting my decision to homeschool, my kids each did that & he saw that they had in his words "normal picture of what normal kids do all day" and has been ok about it all ever since (that all happened before I had them in the public school these last couple months). Not sure what did it for him about all that but for whatever reason it settled in his mind that my kids were still "normal" kids after all. Also, not sure if you're a member of a homeschooling community or not, but if you want, this is the link for the one I'm in that covers all of Indiana if you want it. I know periodically someone will post similar questions & concerns on there, some of them might have better advice for you then I do. again, good luck & I'm proud of you!
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/IndianaHomeschoolers

Hi R.,

I'm only on my first baby and we're due in Feb. but we're deciding to homeschool our children for various reasons. I wanted to respond to your letter though in regards to your relationship with you grandmother. As you intellectually know it's not her choice, but it sounds like you're not quite convinced emotionally that this is your choice and you may feel the need for validation from her before you take that first official home-schooling-step.
Just so you know, you may never get that validation. It's a sad pill to swallow, but if you're the one make these mature, gentle efforts to share with her your choices and what they're based on and she's the one blatantly rejecting you, you have to ask yourself, why would you continue to put so much weight on her validating your choices? How is it helping your situation? What different ways could you work to get her to change her mind that you haven't already explored and what is it worth to keep trying? I am afraid you may end up getting the same response every time you attempt something 'new' with her.

She's made up her mind, you need to make up yours and consider your daughter's future. She'll either come along or she won't and that's her decision just as it's been her decision to reject yours. Believe in yourself, do the research you need to create a homeschooling environment for your family and let your grandmother figure it out for herself. She's a grown up who's clearly capable of making decisions as to whether she wants to be involved or not.

Her responses aren't necessarily about you or your daughter; her responses are probably more about her and what she thinks is best for her in her community--and that's ok when it comes to things like social activities or something maybe less profound than your daughter's education. So her reactions to you may feel hurtful, but remember, this isn't about you or her. It's about your daughter. Keep your daughter's interests at heart and you'll do what's right. Trust and believe in yourself and don't let people who 'think they know what's best' sway you; only you know what's best for your family.

Good luck :)

Dear R.,
I know this is really hard for you. Maybe if you included her in the homeschooling process. For instance, reading to her, doing ABC's and 123's. A great curriculum that I taught when My daughter was 4 was called 5 In A Row. You read the same story to her 5 days in a row and each day you cover a different subject. We read Ping and we made rice crispy treats for the rice cakes. She counted 42 big marshmellows into the pot. Maybe if your grandma participates with it and sees the enthusiasm first hand, she will change her mind.
I would encourage you to get into a support group. There she will find children to play with and you will gain support from other like minded mothers. I hope this helps. L. J

It may be worth giving preschool a chance. After all, you can homeschool once your little one is in kindergarten. It may be that your grandma feels that because it is in her church that it would give a little more "religious" background to your little girl.

By allowing your child in preschool now, does not mean you have given up homeschooling but may be just the ground for a year. I have found that with family, sometimes giving in for a year, makes a world of difference in the relationship.

Good luck in any decision.

Your Grandma is 80 years old, hon... She won'tchange her ways any time soon.. My Mother asked me what she did wrong with me when I told her about my own decision to homeschool my own 4 kids..She wanted to know when she could expect to see the kids faces on wanted posters or have to drive them to pick their food stamp cards up because they'll never have a good job, etc... But after 4 years of my hardheadedness and the fact that my kids tested above average on every subject and she saw the test scores, ( they were REALLY struggling in school before then) she saw what peer pressure is doing to my nephew who'se the same age as my son, basically, let her see the results when she brings it up,, and let her know that she is getting plenty of social interaction in her tumbling class, and also, you could join a local homeschooling group.. When I was out with my Mother and Grandmother and we'd see on the news about violence in schools on the news or something I'd just remark how glad I am my kids were homeschooled.. they eventualy came around to accept it,, and now, since the two oldest are fluent in Latin, Spanish, German and signing, and now working on arabic, they are actually very encouraged by it.. Give it time and stick to YOUR guns.. remember YOU are raising her. and go with what YOUR heart says.
Good luck and God bless,
A.

R.:
Just a couple of things...I think it is a good thing that you just try to change the subject with your grandma as it doesn't seem she is going to come on board and respect your decision and you don't want to ruin that relationship by pushing the issue. You might say to her that you respect her opinion, but you have decided to homeschool and you do not wish to continue on with the discussions since a decision is made. It might be helpful if you listen to all of her reasonings for not wanting you to homeschool and then you could explain your counter to that claim and that you will watch for signs of change as she grows. For example, if her complaint is that your young one is not around children counter with, "She might not be getting that in a classroom environment, but we have her in tumbling and we do these educational field trips, etc. etc." She might not be aware of all the homeschool activities for children. There are groups around that get homeschooled children and parents together for art, gym, and field trips so your child is still exposed to all sorts of things. I have homeschooled both of my children at some point or another and wish I could continue to do it every year. Check with local rec centers and YMCA's for programs. We also used Alpha Omega publications as our curriculum and we love it, but there are so many others out there if you do not like Alpha/Omega. It has a pretty advanced reading program that we loved. I could go on and on, but hopefully some of this will help. Most importantly, no one person knows your child better than you do...Do what YOU know is best for her.

Good luck and best regards,
J.

Well, it sound like you're just going to have to accept the fact that you two don't see eye to eye. Not only that, but you're going to have to be gracious with her because she is your grandmother and your elder. What I would do is COMPLETELY stop talking about it to her. There's no reason for you to continue to show her things or whatever because all you're doing is setting yourself up. Also, when she gives you things, instead of getting mad about it, just take it, smile and say thank you, and then when you leave you can choose what to do with it. I think it's easy to forget that we are in charge of our reactions to stimuli. If she's upsetting you, it's because you're choosing to let it upset you, either by trying to make her see it your way, or by allowing yourself to get wrapped up in your differences. There are ways to avoid it simply by not pushing and not being pushed. It's very easy to change the subject, even if it's just "I'll be right back, I'm going to check on the kids." There will be MANY people who are going to be against homeschooling, and it's better if you decide now how you're going to handle those people so that you aren't getting upset over and over.

While I do have an opinion on homeschooling - which is I think it is not a good idea for many children but perhaps for some, like those how have trouble in school. But that is another discussion.

Perhaps your Grandmother has noticed something lacking from your child that a "normal" 4 year old would not be lacking. Such as maybe your 4 year old acts more like an adult instead of a child and doesn't know how to have fun like a child. Now I am just suggesting this. I have a friend whom I love her child but the child acts like an old lady and not a child - she doesn't really know how to have fun. So Maybe Grandma notices something you don't. Most preschools at church do not teach religion if that is your concern. I feel that a 4 year old needs to be around children their own age more then a scheduled event. I noticed someone said try both in preschool it won't hurt that is a good compromise. But if you value Grandma - ask her why she feels the way she does. Perhaps it will help you both. Grandma isn't a child and would probably appreciate that you asked her why instead of being upset and snitty about it.

I'm currently home schooling my daughter (almost 8) and so far she is the only one (we hope to change that next year :-) ). I don't know what to say about how to deal with your Grandmother other then to reassure you that you CAN home school and it is your decision not your Grandmothers. Have you tried to invite her to come with you to some of your daughters activities? That way she can see the things she dose where she IS interacting with other children. I honestly don't have any other ideas for how to deal with her other then to just give you a *CHEER* for deciding to home school and to stick with what YOU have decided to do for your daughter. Feel free to PM me if you have any other questions.
~~~S.

Okay, so you and grandma are fighting over your 4 yo being home-schooled for preschool? Why fight? compromise and do both. What would be the harm?? Honestly now....why can't you look at G-ma's preschool as perhaps social time for your son and then provide him with the positives of homeschool with you.

I think you could make it a win-win situation.

Good luck.

Hi R.! Congratulations on your decision to homeschool. It isn't an easy one to make and can definately cause problems with well meaning relatives and friends who just don't agree with the entire concept. There are a ton of concerns about children who are home schooled out there, and some of them are valid concerns BUT some of them are based on ignorance and a refusal to believe that anything different could be good. Different is just that different. It is your choice to homeschool or not, that's part of what makes America such a great country to live in. Your Grandmother is from a different time. She will likely never understand and that's okay. You have to make the decision based on what is best for your daughter and for your family (your husband, yourself and your kids sorry but the rest of the family doesn't count in this). My Aunt homeschooled three girls and they weren't in any outside activities that weren't directly related to the family (they owned a karate dojo and they took karate but mom and dad were literally right there). It wasn't healthy for any of them and the oldest two are seriously socially repressed. The youngest is now in public school and will graduate this year, she is involved in soccer as well as cheer, and is a straight A student.

With all of this said. The choice to send your child to preschool or not shouldn't be considered a choice to homeschool (my opinion). Preschool is Pre (or before) school. School begins in Kindergarten as does homeschooling. Your decision to send or not to send your daughter to preschool should be based on if you plan on sending your child to a preschool or not....I hope this makes sense to you.

Also you could tell your grandmother that you appreciate the time and effort that she took to gather information for you but that you and your husband have decided that your daughter doesn't need to go to preschool given the other activities that she is in. Remind your grandmother that you love her very much and that you value the relationship you've always had with her but that your decision in regards to eduation is final and you hope that it will not affect the relationship with her that you have always valued so much! Sometimes grandma's need to know that we value the opinion they have to offer but we need to make our own decisions as adults.

Good luck and I'd love an update!

One of the difficult things about being a parent, or being an adult in general, is that we choose what we think is right for us and our family. Others are always going to criticize what we choose if it is not the same as their choice. You need to have a thick skin and strong backbone. Do what you in your heart knows is right. Let grandma know what you are doing to socialize your daughter and then let it go. Don't bring it up and ignore any remarks she may make. Don't let it bother you. If you later decide you want to send her to school, you can do that. It is not a requirement for 4 year olds to be in school at all anyway. She will be just fine with a parent that is as concerned as you are about her well being.