Grandmother Takes Child Places Without Telling Husband and I

Hi Katie, is there maybe a reason why she's afraid to ASK you before she takes him?

Honestly she sounds like an AWESOME Grandma, can you say how lucky he is to have her, but you worry like all moms when you don't know where he is? Could she please just run it by you BEFOREHAND?

I'd worry a little, too. But I'd LOOOOVE it that he was having such a blast with his Grandma (as long as you feel he's absolutely safe with her!).

:)

I think this is a case of "you'd like to know, in case of emergency"

AND she should have the freedom to travel locally with him.

I applaud her desire to explore his world! What a great gma!

She should not be telling you that she is taking him anywhere, she should be ASKING you beforehand if it's ok for her to take him.

Am I missing something? Doesn't she have a cell phone?
I mean, I just don't see why you cannot say: "Mom, please let me know when you take Timmy somewhere. I tried to reach you & I was really worried. I trust you completely, but I need to know where he is."
Frankly, I can't believe you didn't say that after the beach excursion!
If she refuses...then I guess you'll have to start doing your housework with your son at home. Your choice. The choice is "kid is not home" or "I know where my kid is."
Just tell her!

Beyond courtesy, this is a safety issue as well as one of boundaries. Gently let your mom know that your intent is not to upset her, but you are the mom and you need to know his whereabouts for safety reasons. If they went missing, where would you even begin to look considering she travels quite far?

I think you just need to have a conversation.. I see nothing wrong with her wanting to take your son to do fun things or join her if she has errands or wants to take him places etc.

She should just give you a heads up. I totally trusted my mom to care for our daughter on trips or in an emergency.. She is very good at making decisions.

But I do think you two need to have a schedule for what time you will be dropping him off and picking him up.
That way you do not have a wasted trip. Or if she wants to keep him longer or do something spur of the moment.. to just give you the heads up.

If you trust her and have nothing else for your son to do, I would think he would love this adventures... and it gives you the freedom to get things done you normally could not do while caring for an active child.

I think you may be blowing it out of proportion a little bit. Unless your mom is diminished in some capacity (mental, sight, mobility), I don't see the issue with her taking your son on long distance trips. In her defense she tried to call you about the Portland trip. I think she feels that she is helping to raise him (which she is) and has your complete trust. She raised you and your brother just fine, right? :)
I don't think you should confront her, but rather start asking, "So, what adventure are you two going on today?" with a big smile. If it comes down to it you should go ahead and tell her that you were scared and worried those other times and would feel better if she let you know about their trips in case of an emergency. Also, look into getting her a cell phone. There are apps you can load to your respective phones that show you on a map where someone is located. Best wishes. :)

She is not a day care, she is his grandmother. Sorry but if you want your child to be in the same place and perfect communication you send him to day care. If you want love an nurturing you send him to grandma.

So pick what you want.

I think because my kids are hitting ages where they are going to get married and have kids reading this kind of hurts. I would hate to think my children would look at me as nothing but free daycare. When I watch grandkids I plan on playing at parks, goofing up trees, whatever I did with my kids. I hope to god they don't expect me to sit at home twiddling my thumbs waiting for them to pick the kids up. :(

I get when you can't get a hold of her so maybe say if you are going out of phone service give us a heads up. When I look at your first case, why didn't you call? Was that the time you said you would pick him up?

My younger two are still young enough to hang out with grandpa. I tell them when I will be dropping off and the earliest I will be picking up. That way if they go out they know when to be back.

It just sounds like you expect her to just be there on your beck and call. Yeah that really makes me sad.

I am seeing this you need to know exactly where because of emergencies... Does someone know where you are at every point in the day when you are out with your son? If something happened to you, would they know where to look? What would happen if someone needs to get a hold of you and your cell phone is dead or has no reception? To me it is no different.

Take a deep breath and remind yourself -- you are very fortunate to have a mom who is so healthy and energetic she can look after your son! Focus on that for a moment and remind yourself that so many other parents of young kids have no one who can look after their child on the spur of the moment, and you do.

Now: Mom did indeed overstep her bounds here and you are right to be concerned. If you do not address this now, after two such trips, she may take it as unspoken permission that all this is OK with you, and it is not OK. She took a very small child hours away from home -- twice -- without asking you first. It is not enough for her to TELL you on the day she decides on a spur-of-the-moment trip; she needs to learn to ask.

Try this: "Mom, while I love that you can take Son places, I need to be asked in advance before you take him anywhere. To the park, to the movies, around town -- fine, no need to ask. But leaving town is something I need to know about in advance and honestly, I need to say yes or no to it. I want you to know that I do trust you completely with Son and I know you're great with him. But please if you have the thought of a trip that involves going further than around town, I need to know beforehand, not on the day, or even the night before, and you need to know that I might say no sometimes and yes other times.

Mom, I don't want you to feel I'm preventing you from having fun with Son. But both times I was very worried because I did not know where Son was, and even your husband did not know.

Mom, if something happened to you while you and Son were out of town -- How would anyone know how to reach me? Son is too young to inform someone of who he is, where you are, etc. especially if he were distressed that grandma was suddenly sick and he was far from home."

Is she the kind of person who will accept this and say, "Oh, you're so right -- I will always ask," or is she the type who will get defensive, say you're being stick in the mud, etc.? Only you can answer that based on a lifetime of knowing her. Let that knowledge inform how you approach her. But yes -- I would definitely always want to know where my child was, and in both cases you did not. The aspect of what would happen if she took your child out of town and no one knew where they were or when they were expected back -- well, I would hope she would understand the problem with that.

And yes, she must have a cell phone and must keep it charged and on when she's with him and must agree to answer it if you or your husband calls. Same for you, though -- ensure that you are always tethered to your cell so that she can't try to call and then, if she doesn't get you, she proceeds with her own plans.

I hope the talk goes well. It would be a pity to have a rift with such an active and interested grandma.

"Hey Mom, I love that you have been gracious about taking Kiddo so often. And I love that you are having great adventures. I also get worried when I try to get a hold of you and can't. It would be great if you would let me know when you guys are going out of town, just so I won't worry, if you know what I mean."

Then tell her how much you trust her, and that this is YOUR stuff (because we are moms and it is our stuff-- not in a bad way, by any means, just own it).

I'll bet a lot of us are a bit jealous right now because many mothers don't have such good, trustworthy support from their parents. In any case, lovingly check in with mom, know that she must have done a fine job with you (right? :)), ask her to call before leaving town... and trust her.

I wish someone other than myself would take my kids somewhere once in a while...

WOW! I would have had a mini heart attack if I had found out that my mom and 4 year old were on a train 50 miles away and didn't have my permission. (I would have said NO if I weren't along.) And going to the beach 2 hours away? What!?

The store is one thing. The park is one thing. What YOU are talking about is another. And she doesn't have a cell phone or doesn't have it on?

Time out!! Does she have a copy of your medical insurance card? Does she have a signed letter by you to give a hospital the right to treat him in case of an accident? Does she know if he is taking medications or if he has any allergies? If you are going to let her run around the state with him, you need to give her these things.

I'm sorry, but that would never have happened in my life with my parents or my inlaws. The fact that you can't get ahold of her is just scary to me.

Dawn

I wouldn't really be bothered by not knowing about the day's activities. I would be super annoyed about my child not being ready to go when I was ready to pick him up.

I would have a conversation about communicating what's going on a little better, so you're not worried.

All in all, it sounds like you're pretty lucky to have someone who loves your child so much & helps you out. Be careful that you don't come across as ungrateful when/if you talk to her.

as a grandparent I say YES! she has no right to not let you know where your son is. I would never do this. Calmly tell her she HAS to tell you where they are going ahead of time.

Grandmas are like that, but she should tell you where she is going and when she will be back. Make sure she has a power of attorney note for medical emergencies. This way if he would get hurt and need medical attention, sometimes even just stitches she can give permission.

As long as she is taking him to decent places relax. She is trying to share the excitement with him.

I'm a grandma and I would never take the grandkids anywhere unless I informed the parents. But I feel the same way about spouses, you don't need permission but it's only polite to let people know where you are going and when you will be back.

It sounds like you might have to "cut the cord" a bit for grandma. I would love to do this but I would definitely ask my DIL about it first.

After this second round I might strongly consider child care for the times that I want to clean the house. It's nice that grandma wants to have adventures but it is another thing to take someone else's child and not tell them. You could have called the police and filed a missing child report. She would have been found and it might not have been a pretty outcome. Since she has your child so much a power of attorney for medical would be needed because medical treatment could not be given because she is not the legal guardian and things can/could get messy.

Have a lunch with mom and discuss your feelings and if she doesn't like it she will have a shorter amount of time with grandson until she can adhere to your rules.

Good luck to you.

The other S.

Around town, shopping, or out for a treat is one thing... but to take your child 1-2 hours away without letting you know where they were going is a bit strange!

I would be irritated and worried, also.

I don't see anything wrong with her taking him fun places... but to the beach, on the train for a long distance outing... on excursions like that I admit I would be seething mad if she did it without my permission... I mean I would be livid, not to mention worried when I got home looking for my child and no one knows where they were and when they would be back. You need to have a talk with her about this stat.

While its wonderful she is giving your son these experiences and you can tell you are grateful for what she is doing... she does need to let you know where she is going if its out of town. Its just a safety issue, so you know where they are and to stop you from the extra stress because of worrying.

I would let her know how much you appreciate everything she is doing to help you and the great experiences she is giving your son and all the memories he is going to have by doing these things with her... but also let her know that even if its a phone call before walking out the door she needs to let you know what they are doing and where they are going. Just on the off chance something happens to them, the car... what ever. Let her know you don't want to stop them from their trips together, but you do need a heads up on their location.

I would think she would understand... she is a mom also :)
at least I hope she would understand where you are coming from!

I'm a grandmother and I have my granddaughter quite a bit. I can't imagine causing my daughter worry about where her child is. We both have cell phones and check in with each other. That is just common courtesy.

Of course she trusts me to take care of her daughter, but I also realize that she is a great mom and is reassured with occasional calls.

Hi Katie,

You are well within your rights to be upset. Ask yourself if you'd be comfortable with her taking him on these trips even with your permission. If the answer is yes, tell her that. Tell her that you don't mind, you just need to know exactly where he is in case of an emergency. If you're not OK with the trips, tell her that too. Tell her you'd prefer she stays more local on her outings with him. If she can't respect your wishes, you will have to scale back the frequency of their visits.

Your mom needs to let you know. It's common courtesy! Quality time with grandparents is wonderful, but she does need to ask permission. She also would benefit from getting a cell phone! :)

Okay, time to sit Grandma down, and nicely, lay out the rules.
This is your child.

I have relatives, that take my kids out. They are now 5 and 9.
I ALWAYS, tell them, to CALL me and let me know, where they will be going... if it was not pre-planned or spur of the moment.
They do. And certainly, they do NOT know... of every little parental preference we have, about my kids. And some of these relatives, do not have kids of their own, so their perception, of what to do or not with a child... is different.

Now... on the other hand: Ever since my kids were 2 years old... I have taught my kids that:

1) WE are the parents. Not anyone else.
2) THEY can speak up and tell Grandma or Aunty or relatives "no" or "I don't want to..." or "I have to ask Mommy first." And my kids do. Even when they were only 3 years old they spoke up.
3) I teach my kids, about the Totem-Pole of adults in their life. And the pecking order, so to speak. Mommy & Daddy, decide things for them... they know what is right/wrong, allowed or not, per us. And they need to SPEAK UP, if something is not comfortable for them or they just don't want to go somewhere or do something that a relative is telling them about. And my kids do, speak up.
4) You have to be pro-active and ALSO teach your child... about things. So that, THEY can as they get older, "discern" things too, per your parental ways. Not just relying on the relative, to decide or the relative doing whatever... with your child, without your permission.
5) There have been many times, my kids have been on outings with Grandma or Aunty or other relatives.... I will get a phone call from them (because my kids will TELL the relative "I want to call Mommy, can I use your cell phone... and ask Mommy first..." and they call me to say "Aunty wants to take us to her hair salon, can we?" or "Aunty said we can go and get a pie to eat at her house... can we?" My kids speak up. But it takes teaching that... to your child. I also teach my kids... that if they are with relatives or friends and they are tired and want to come home, they NEED to say so and it is fine. And that, if they do NOT want to do something with a relative, they can also SAY that. It is good. They need to speak up. And they do.

So in the realm of things and as your child gets older or even now. Teach him... these things and how to speak up and that Mommy/Daddy are the parents.

I would be real irked... if any of my relatives... took my kids 50 miles away to another city... or 2 hours away to a beach WITHOUT telling me, nor getting my permission, first.
That, is unacceptable.
And if she could not get a hold of you, then she must KEEP trying... or not go. At all.

DO NOT let Grandma do these things.
That is not her child.
You need to lay down the rules. Do not be shy about it. And teach your child... about how to speak up and know things too.
Even my 5 year old son, will tell his Aunty "I don't think Mommy would want us to go there..." or he will tell her "I am tired, I want to go home."
Because, Aunty has a tendency to be on the road for HOURS at a time, with my kids, on an outing, and get sidetracked.

And by the way, having "quality time with Grandma"... does NOT mean, going 50 miles away to another city on a train. They can have quality time, even at home, playing.
You need to STATE the rule and boundaries, with Grandma.
Or the limits will keep... getting stretched. If you do not say anything.

As it is... Grandma is taking your child all over the place and you don't even know. They aren't even home... when you go to pick him up! And the other time, your Step-Dad didn't even know where they were!
Good grief.

Being a good Grandma or being interested in and loving a grandchild.... does not mean, having carte blanche over the child. It also takes being responsible and informing the parent, of things. And letting a Grandparent be a nice Grandparent, also does not mean that the parent cannot lay out rules, about their own child.

If the places they were going were... to the grocery store, or the park, or the mall, then I'd say, meh, get over it. But the beach 2 hours away, or Portland by train... that's pretty far! I think she should tell you beforehand for the simple reason that if something happened (the train broke down, or she had a flat tire, or god forbid, your mother has some kind of medical emergency), at least you would know where to start looking! My mom is very adventurous with my kids as well, but she always gives me an itinerary beforehand so I know where they'll be, and she keeps her cell phone handy in case I need to be in touch for emergencies, etc.

I wouldn't have a problem with my mom (or MIL) taking my child(ren) anywhere, but I would just like to know if it is going to be 2 hours away. With today's technology, there is NO REASON she can't call/text you and give you a heads up!

We live about 40 minutes from our next big city. If I go there for an errand or for the day, I always tell my husband. I just like someone to know where I am--especially if I have the kids.

I think it is courteous.

i'd be irritated about it. not sure exactly how i'd handle it but yeah, i'd be upset too. i wanna have an idea of what they're gonna be doing WHOEVER my baby's with (he's 3....so close to yours). so, i totally agree w/you mama. good luck w/that convo

Don't let it go, talk to her about it. No matter who she is, or how she's helping, it's common courtesy to at least tell you where they are going, let alone maybe ask permission! But you can talk to her without a fight... "You are doing such wonderful things for us and with Sonny, I am so grateful and happy how much fun you're having. I do get worried though when I don't know where you are or when you'll be back, so let's think of a system for those times when you want an adventure..." Think about what kind of heads up you want -- how much notice, 2 hours? Leave a note or speak directly to you? Do you need clearance on all travel or just any travel over an hour, making sure he doesn't need to be home at a certain time for other plans-- and say "this is how I'd like things to go from here on out"

What Leigh R. said. If she wants to take him somewhere, she needs to call and get permission ahead of time - not just before she's leaving, not spur of the moment. It's called being responsible. If she can't do that, then I'd worry about how responsible she is in general. You NEED to know where they are. I would have freaked out all over her.

No you're not blowing it out of proportion. On the one hand it is AWESOME how much interest she has in her grandson, on the other that is outrageous to not discuss with you. My mom takes my kids places but ALWAYS goes over it w me first. And never 2 hours away! The furthest they'll usually go is into Manhattan and that's a 30 min train ride from my mom.

Anyways, try and set some ground rules and expectations so you're both on the same page. And as Dawn pointed out, grandma needs to have all the emergency info if they're off so far.

And it all depends on your comfort level w your mom doing these types of outings.

And ALWAYS YOU HAVE TO BE TOLD FIRST!!

I am with you. I would not be happy with this. But granted, my mother would know better than to run off without me knowing or having my permission. I would be pissed, honestly, if I were you. It's just common courtesy to say " I was thinking of taking Joey to Portland next week. He's been wanting to go. What do you think?" I mean if she were in an accident or mugged or if anything wrong/bad happened, how would you know?? She ran off and didn't tell anyone! She'd be a Jane Doe at the hospital. It's just irresponsible and disrespectful for her not to at the very least TELL you what she's doing. She should be asking your permission if you ask me. But that's just my 2 cents.

I think it's wonderful that she wants to be so involved, but I think she's making some major, major errors in judgment when it comes to what's appropriate when he's under her care. There's no reason I can think of that validates the fact that she isn't asking for your permission before she takes your son on these trips. There's also no reason at all that she shouldn't be easily reachable in this age of cell phones.

I would worry that she's so laid back about it. What would happen in an emergency? Does she plan ONLY to call you if he gets seriously injured or sick enough to be hospitalized? Suppose he has an allergic reaction to something she's unaware of that he's allergic to or something he's never had a reaction to before?

Let's flip it. Suppose every single time she takes him, everything is perfect for them. But also suppose that there's an emergency at home and you can't get in touch with them and you need her and your son home immediately.

She's being irresponsible because this isn't her child. She probably thinks, "Hey, he's fine, I raised my own kids and they came out fine. I'm a parent myself and we're just having fun and he's perfectly safe." Except that he isn't her child and she's breaking your trust. She's breaking Grandparenting Rules 101. Ask permission first. We need to know where you are. We need to be able to contact you in the event of an emergency on either end.

I think that you're going to have to put your foot down with her for a while to get the message across. Ground her for a while. :-)

I'm curious how old she is, and if she's actually capable of handling a small child under these circumstances that she's putting herself in. For instance I know my mom could handle all three of my girls pretty well for a full day doing day trips and she's in her early 60's. My MIL, however, is in her mid-70's and my girls wear her out after a day, and they're rarely alone with her for very long. My grandmother is in her upper 80's and even when I'm around she has trouble handling the girls. They have to be very gentle with her. So I'm curious where your mom falls on the capability scale.

I guess the real answer depends on your relationship with your mom. I, personally, would not have an issue with my mom taking my 3 yr old to a destination 2 hours away or on a train/car trip 50 miles away without "asking me". But then again, I don't feel like she should have to "ask permission" when *I* am entrusting my daughter to her care in the first place.

However, my mom and I also agree ahead of time on how much time my daughter is going to be spending in her care (overnight, a few hours, etc). Within that time, she's free to take my daughter wherever she wants. If she's running late, my mom will call and let me know. We figure that's just common courtesy. Are you communicating this info with your mom? Would she have taken him to Portland if she thought you were picking him up a few hours later?

Also, as Jo W. points out, it's not like everyone else knows exactly where you are at all times with your son. Emergencies/accidents happen anywhere, anytime, with anyone. Would this have been different if your husband was taking her son "out for a half day" for father son time without specifying where he was going?

Anyway, if it really bothers you, just ask her to let you know what her plans on for that time period.

Just ask her to tell you in the future. Add a cell phone to your plan if you need to and teach her how to text.

If my ex's parents did this I would be upset, because they have driving/seeing issues, and the person driving got into an accident because he cant turn his neck, so any drive further than 20 minutes I'm not comfortable with, although if they didnt have this issue I'd be completely happy with it. At some point you have to let go a little. I mean does it make it any safer because you know they're at the shore?
I follow my parents rule of still telling one person where I'm going to be in case the worst happens and they need to send out a search crew to the beach so maybe J. ask that she tell her husband or leave a note on the counter for worst case scenario and ask that she take tons of pictures so your son will remember=)

With getting divorced I have had a lot of lessons and a main one being I cant controll and keep my daughter safe from everything and letting go and trusting others and letting her live is healthy,

If my ex or my boyfriend did this Id be happy so I'd be J. as happy with my mom doing it

At first I thought this would be about local trips. Neither 2 hours away or 50 miles away is "local" when you're expecting to see your child. I'd be upset and definitely have a conversation about it.

Yes your concerns are valid, reign her in. You are the mother not her. She should not go any place before you know where she is going with your son. You better put a stop to this quick.

I would print out the statute that defines kidnapping in your state.

I would then sit down at the kitchen table and inform g-ma, in cool, even tones - that you are very serious. Your son can go ANYWHERE with her, she need only text or call first.

Otherwise we have no way to know where to send the rescuers.

If she gives you ANY answer other than a heartfelt apology and a sincere promise to contact you - then calmly pull out the printed statute and lay it on the table in front of her.

Tell her that this is THIS serious. You are not joking. The level of seriousness is at the top, and you will NOT let this continue.

Then tell her how much you love her, and how wonderful it is to have her in your and family's life. Tell her you appreciate her.

But no more leaving without communication. Period.

Your mom doesn't respect you. You need to demand that respect. No yelling or screaming will help. You need to let her know you're serious - and that means a cool, calculated speech.

I don't think that's okay. What if your child had an appt. at a certain time and you went over to get him, or tried to called but couldn't get ahold of her? And no cell phone? My mother died before I had children and before cell phones, but I know for sure she would have, at the very least, a cell phone. And she would never go somewhere with the grandchildren and not let their parents know. ANYTHING could happen and you can't not know where your children are. You must say something to her-start out on a positive note, so she doesn't fell like you're attacking her, because you're not, nor do you want to-"Mother, I feel so lucky that you are here for my child, and offer these great opportunities....and my son has so much fun...however...

Best of luck, and it sounds like your son is pretty lucky. My children who are now 18, 21 and 24, never had grandmothers from either side.

Please keep us posted.
MKS

While I think it's wonderful that grandma wants to get out with your son and explore the state, she REALLY needs to clear things with you first. He is NOT her son. YOU have the right and priviledge to pick up and take off on a day trip on a whim, she does not.

The sad part is, you probably would have said "have a great time!" if she had asked you first if she could take him to the beach or on a train. But she needed to ASK first! Not being able to get a hold of you is no excuse. Think about when you were a kid. If you wanted to take off for the day with your friends but couldn't get ahold of your parents, would you have been able to just go? No way. Because you were accountable to them. And she is accountable to YOU where your son is concerned.

I would just tell her, kindly but firmly, that you love her spending so much time with your boy, and you love the fact that he gets to go on all these fun adventures, but that under NO circumstances is she to take him out on an excursion more significant than a trip to the park or a mall without your express concent.

I think that it IS her responsibility to keep you updated on where your child is. I mean, I would be pretty freaked out if I came home and found that my kids had disappeared without knowing where they were. (but then, that might just be paranoid me.)
But yes, if your relationship with grandma is very close, i guess you might be more reassured.
I definitely can relate to this... I was that child. One saturday when I was five, my mom had to bring my brother to a special whole day activity, and my dad had to go to work. So that left me and grandma at home. Grandma brought me to a restaurant for tea and then to the playground till 5pm. Turns out that my mom and brother came back early at 4pm. My mom had been so worried - she had no idea where i was, she had not been expecting grandma to bring me anywhere, she did not know whether I had been hit by a car or whatever. Since then, my mom brought me to my brother's activities.

Hmmm so your Mom is taking your son and babysitting for free and OMG doing fun stuff with him? No I think your blowing it out of proportion. I think if you want a sitter that you get to control every instant of every day you need to hire a nanny and give directions. Otherwise be glad you have a mom who is taking an interest in your little one. Some of us have moms and dads and in laws who don't want to babysit much less take the kids on a fun outing. Your mom is just doing things she thinks a little one will enjoy. If she is anything like me sitting at home with a bored 4 year old drives her nuts. I take mine all over the place. I would hug her and say I am so glad he has you in his life. Ask her when you drop him off if they are going anywhere and maybe get a cell phone on your line and leave with her when she sits. Otherwise just enjoy the time you have free and let your little one enjoy the time with grandma.

It's a boundary issue. You need to talk to you mom and tell her that short of a quick trip to a local store, you expect her to let you know prior to taking your son places. What if you had made plans or something happened to her and you had no idea where they were/where to look for them?

My MIL did that to us one time w/ my little one. She was 6 months old and my MIL had invited us to dinner the next night (we said yes) and offered to pick my son from school and keep my daughter all day. Since she said she had to do grocery shopping and because FIL smoked heavily (and she didn't watch her close enough for my liking) I said no, she's going to daycare as planned (of course I told hubby this because she called him but he doesn't know how to say no). He told her that she could pick daughter up from daycare on her way to get our son or vice versa (so her schedule wouldn't be too far off and his mom could do the shopping before she had our daughter with her). Then she agreed to watch her at our home (to avoid FIL smoke). She was late getting to our house and somewhere between 30 & 45 minutes, she left. When I called to check on them, no answer at my home or her cell for two house. Hubby and I could not reach her and didn't know where out baby was. I was beyond hot. Hubby swore he had no idea she was going to leave that early (seriously, I knew it as soon as they told me she would watcher at our house). Had we stuck w/ my original answer, there would have been no problem. She feels she can do as she pleases and I knew that...it played a part in me saying no.

Speaking as a grandmother I can guess that she probably doesn't think it is a big deal. That said, I would not take my grandchildren somewhere without leaivng a message. I am sure had you answered your phone she would have indeed asked you to join. Figuring you were on unavailable she likely did not want to miss the opportunity. I always remember that they are the parents, not me. I do take them places unbeknownst to their parents but only when they are on extended stays. I can understand how your husband may have felt having to wait, but it sounds like you are mostly concerned with her feeling entitled or privledged than concerned for his welfare. It sounds like it was primarily an inconvenience factor.

Your son is benefitting from a special relationship and you are benefitting from having an on call sitter. I would not chance ruining what is likely a great thing by placing a statute on the table or threatening her with the "seriousness" of her actions etc. as Dad on Purpose suggested.I would simply tell her that while appreciated, you would appreciate an itinerary or at the very least a message. She had no idea what time you were going to want to collect your son, so she probably didn't think it was a big deal. You might, on the other hand, have a set time that you are going to collect your son, and this will clue her in as to the time afforded her without putting limits on where she may go with your son. Sometimes ideas just happen, and you feel like you ought to run with it as a grandparent. Things tend to be less sporadic as parents.

A simple request to be considerate of their position as parents would be enough for me.

In short, you do have a right to be irritated, You do have the right to know where she is going with him. You do seem to be reacting more to your inconvenience rather than your son's welfare, so I would consider that when deciding whether you are blowing this out of proportion or not. No one else can tell you if you are justified in being irritated or blowing it out of proportion. You must decide. You must decide the best course of action. You must consider your reasons before you chance hurt feelings, or ruining a good thing. A LOT of this will depend on hwo you approach the situation. I would give it a bit of time before acting one way or the other.

Best of luck in creating a plan that works for all three parties.

T.

Yes be very concerned about it. If an accident happened how would you know where they were or what to do. Talk to her and try to make her understand this is not appropriate behavior.

I am a grandmother and I would never take my grandsons any where out of town unless his parents know and about what time we would be back. It is not only a safety issue but it is only respectful of her to let you know what is happening with YOUR 4 year old child.

You not only need to know where they're going and when, but also when they will return. What if something happens? Good idea for her to take a picture of the 2 of them (or at least him) and send it to you prior to leaving. That way if they don't return, you at least have some idea of what they were wearing to provide an accurate description to police. This is probably paranoid, but my best friend just passed away, and what if my child had been with her?
I even get upset with my husband when he takes off with the kids w/o telling me - again because what if something happens? About 6 years ago, he fell while building a hunting blind and broke his back. He's often out in the woods alone (with no other adult anyway), but this time his friend was with him, thank goodness. He did not have our, then 3 yo, son with him, but he very well could have. And he often (still) goes out alone with the kids. If I didn't know where he was going or when he was supposed to be back, I wouldn't know to send out a search party. AHHHH really scarry.
It is very hard to be pro-active when you don't know where they went, when they left, or when they expect to be back. I agree with the others; get her a cell phone and make sure she knows how to use it. But, don't stop trips alone with Grandma (unless health reasons arise), those are VERY important.