Grandparent Favoring One Child

What she feels it what she feels, BUT how she ACTS is entirely in her control. People have different relationships with people, but she needs to be aware that her actions have consequences and that she better not be saying this stuff in front of the boys, and she better be fair to them.

That's not right!!!! I know my mom favors my oldest but she would deny it to the end of time. But my boys both know it! But you are right she should love them both unconditionally!!!!

I think everyone has 'favorites'. A good grandmother never says it out loud, though.

As long as she's not showing her favoritism or hurting one of your child's feelings over not being the favorite, then she's just being human. I have eight grandchildren; I enjoy spending time with some of them more than others, but I LOVE them all the same! I'm sure that's the same with your mother. Just be sure she doesn't say something about her "favorite" in front of the kids.

People can prefer one child over another, but if they treat them unfairly, then that becomes a problem. You can say, "Mom, I realize that YS is easier to manage and I can see why he'd be your favorite, but your comments are making OS feel badly. If you have a favorite grandson, please keep that to yourself and treat them fairly because your comments are unfair to my children." Or you can say, "I don't know if you realize how you come off sounding, but your frequent comments about your favorite grandson are very annoying."

I like one of my nephews more than the other, but I would NEVER say so to their mother or to either of them. Just because one has a different personality and we don't relate as well doesn't mean he's a bad person and I would not want him to feel badly about minor differences of personality.

If you are so inclined, you could try saying this:

"When you make comments about ____ being your favorite grandson, I experience that as (what? a criticism of the older son? a comment on the older son's disposition? plug in whatever is triggering you here). Is that what you mean?"

This gives her a chance to be reflective and purposeful about her intent, while owning your own trigger about it. (This isn't my 'formula' - I pulled it out of Tammy Lenski's work. She's a conflict resolution professional. This is practiced at my workplace with great success.)

IMHO, she should not demonstratively favor one boy over the other, no matter what she feels internally. I have a similar problem and haven't yet had the guts to say the above statement, in all honesty...

Best of luck.

I'm a grandmother and my daughter's first born was my favorite. I had taken care of her often when she was a baby, toddler and preschooler. When her brother was born, his mother didn't need me to take care of him. So, I'd built a different bond with my granddaughter. I never said she was my favorite and I thought I was treating them equally.

But my daughter noticed and had a talk with me. I still felt I wasn't favoring my granddaughter tho she did spend one night a week with me when her brother was away with his father. I thought my taking my granddaughter, whose father lives in a different state, was a way of providing another support person for her while her brother spent time with his father.

But I agreed to keep him overnight one night a week and in just a couple of weeks I realized that I was short changing my grandson. We've been doing this for a couple of years now and I feel much closer with him than I did before. My granddaughter has reached 12 and is a bit of a stinker and I can now say that neither one is a favorite unless I think about it. I have different ways of showing my love to each one but I'm just as glad to have my grandson stay the night as having my granddaughter. When I really think about it I know that she's still my favorite, tho I'd never say so to anyone who knows us. She and I have more in common including those baby, toddler, and preschool years. I love both unconditionally. I just have a different relationship with each one.

I suggest that your boys grandmother does love them unconditionally while you're seeing that she treats one more special than the other. I suggest you talk with her using I statements and in a calm manner telling her what you're feeling. You do understand why the one boy is her favorite. Tell her that while suggesting that she tone down her "you're my favorite" comments and perhaps spend some more one on one time with the other boy so that she can develop more of a relationship with him based on his personality.

You can't make any other human on the planet love anyone, period. Approach this with her not as "You need to love them the same" but instead as "please give X the same time and attention as Y. And X hears it when you say Y is your favorite, and so do I. It's going to affect him, so even if Y i your favorite, could you not say so in front of X?"

She has a right to her feelings, and feelings are beyond her (or your) control. What she CAN control is her actions and words, and as an adult she should learn to be more careful not to show the favoritism she feels.

If you try to "fix" her feelings you will be in for a lifetime of frustration. Instead, approach her kindly about working on her actions and words.

Not sure how old your children are, but the "favorite" status could change back and forth over the years as the kids themselves change.

I am really surprised by the number of people saying there is an obvious favorite grandchild in their family. I can't imagine having a favorite grandchild just like I can't imagine having a favorite child. I know my dad would tell each of us privately that we were his "favorite" but little did we know that he was telling that to each of us.

This is your mother. You have to have a sit-down with her and tell her flat out that she is not allowed to call one child a favorite grandchild. If she can't stop doing that, she doesn't get to be with the kids.

Are you expecting her to babysit? If you are, stop doing that. Find someone who is younger and whom you pay to babysit. If a paid sitter treats your child badly because he's not an easier child, you fire her.

Allow your mother to see your children with you so that you can make sure she doesn't treat one better than the other.

If you don't rein in your mom, you will be hurting your children a lot in the long run. Don't do this to them. It's really important that your mother not show favoritism.

Dawn

Having a "favorite" grandchild can back fire later in life. My MIL did this to the second granddaughter and the first my daughter has nothing to do with her. My husband was very upset and hurt that she did not/would not call her and wish her a happy birtheray (93) until he said he would not speak to her until she spoke to his mother.

We cannot change people we can only hope that they will be fair.

the other S.

My mother has always favored my nephew. He is my sister's only child.
My daughter was the first grandchild, my nephew was the second, my son was the third, My own children are 10 years apart.

My nephew was a handfull, he wasn't a good student in school, was often in trouble. As he got older, it got worse, but my mom thought (and still thinks) the sun rises and sets with him. He's been in trouble for drinking, smoking pot, he doesn't really have any long term life goals at 21 years old, but my mother dotes on him. My kids are polite, well behaved, they've never been in trouble for anything. In fact, my 17 year old is well on track for a career in law enforcement. He's never had alcohol or smoked pot in his life. He gets excellent grades and promotions in his law enforcement cadet program.

My mom is proud of him, but she kind of downplays that.

I think part of the problem is that I was my grandparents favorite. I was good to them, well behaved, respectful, I minded my manners and I didn't act like a wild child. I didn't have a smart mouth, I wasn't rude or bossy. My mother allowed that behavior from her, but she was on me for every little thing.
I had to be perfect.

Family members noticed that dynamic. It didn't endear them to my sister.
My mom is protective and frankly ignorant of the things my adult nephew does.

I don't know why.

I just know that my kids had to learn to have their own relationship with my mother without comparing her relationship with their cousin. Anything otherwise was a futile attempt.

My mom even has a great grandson now, and still, her special favorite is my nephew.

Bonds are bonds.
I can't explain on which level she has bonded with him so deeply, but she has. It can't be changed. It is what it is.

My kids just have to love their grandmother as they do and let the rest go.

It's not like she EVER forgets a birthday or Christmas, Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Easter..........
She doesn't exclude my kids.
But, she's done WAY more for my nephew. She paid for his driving lessons, she's paid for his driving license, she's paid for basically anything he wants.

My sister is married. She and her husband make a nice income.
I've raised two kids alone for 16 years. She doesn't help me.

She says that I am the one she always knew could take care of herself.
Whatever that means. I guess it's a compliment.

I'm lucky in that I had a girl and a boy.
I could always say, "You are my favorite daughter".
It was the absolute truth.
I could always say, "You are my favorite son".
I was the absolute truth.

They were 10 years apart and so very different, they could both be my favorites with no problem.

Grandparents have different bonds, for whatever reason.
You have to let your kids know that it's not about them or anything wrong.
And.....favorites can change from day to day.

"You're my favorite grandson for helping me take out the garbage".
You're my favorite grandson because you draw me such nice pictures".

Grandparents can have favorite things about each individual child.
That's what I would try to let your children know.

Just my opinion.

She is probably not conscious she is taking preference. Let her know!

does she say it to you or them?
if its to you its fine?

dont you have a favorite kid from moment to moment or maybe day to day? i read a post on here about a mom who said she has a favorite that changes all of the time. whoever makes her smile more, is easier...and so on
you said yourself your one is easier..so she is J. being honest. i would ask her to maybe spend some time with the other alone and bond with him more

My MIL has a favorite & I really don't mind . I just wish , she would do a better job or be smart enough to not be so obvious about it.

Favoritism isn't fair period. If I see it, I call them out on it and tell them to knock it off. If they don't , then they don't see my kids anymore. Simple as that. Favoring one over the other messes with their heart and soul-----I won't let anyone jeopordize my kids' well-being.

Tell your mom : Listen, I know that Johnny is a little easier to babysit. But your comments are hurtful towards Justin. Please don't say that again.

No, it's not fair. The kids will pick up on it. She needs to knock it off right now!