Grandparent Issues.... Not Being Involved

My dad and step-mom live in the same town that we do...and they are not really into the "grandparent"-thing.

They are newly married, less than 3 years...they both work full time, and at the end of the day they both want to go home, drink some wine, eat dinner and watch tv...well and be together just the two of them.

My dad shows up about once every 2 months to play with my kids...usually un-announced...saying how he feels bad he doesn't see them more...gets them all worked up...has no idea what is age appropriate play...and leaves quickly with no transition for them to adjust...just it was fun, bye... and out the door.

If my mom were still alive...he would be very involved because SHE would have been very involved. But he is who he is and right now that is a newlywed.

It was very very hard for me to adjust to what I had pictured in my mind for my kids grandparents to be like...super involved like mine were...both sets were very involved, one set were seen by me everyday...and the other set who lived 3 hours away were seen at least once a month. I have had to come to realize that my dad is not going to be that to my kids. It has been a very very bitter pill to swallow.

My MIL lives out of state and has seen our kids four times in six years...and only when we have traveled to family events she happen to be attending. And at those events less than a few hours at each one.

I have to say I have a very hard time when people on here debate should I or should I not let my parents or in-laws keep my child over night...or they give my kids too many gifts/attention/are spoiling them/ etc etc etc

I have had none/zero/zip/not one night away from my children from the time they were conceived to this very day. I worked for three months to figure out a weekend get away for me and my husband for our anniversary this year. I started with 2 nights away...changed it to just one night away...and finally just dropped the whole idea, because it seemed to just be putting everyone out to try and figure out who could keep my kids that long.

I totally feel your pain...I wish I could adopt a set of grandparents...and not for free babysitting, but for all the things I learned from my grandparents, that I didn't learn from my parents.

You are not alone!!

I know exactly what you're going through! My dad and his wife don't ever make an effort to see my kids. They live just over an hour away and are both retired. The only time they see my kids is when we make the effort to go visit them. Yes, it's sad. Yes, it's frustrating. Yes, I'm glad my boys will know their grandpa. I do know that when my dad's wife's kids have babies, they will be making lots of sacrifices for those kids, and it'll make me angry and hurt all over again. But, it will not be anything I will ever point out to my kids because all they ever need to know is that they are loved.

My husband's parents live almost 3 hours away and make every effort to come see our kids. They both still have jobs and work many weekends, but still make the effort and we are so grateful! Sounds like you have a very similar situation, so enjoy the one set of grandparents that make the effort, and then maybe you will need to make the effort with the other set.

Good luck!

Wow, so similar here. My family is out of state and my mom and sister visit when they can - not often, but it is understandable. My in-laws live in town and I feel that my husband BEGS them to come over which they do very rarely. It is mainly a gift occasion. My son asks for, talks to and has spent more time with my mom who visits once a year. I went to a company bbq on Friday, and had a coworker (male) ask to hold my daughter and wandered around with her for about 30 minutes. My inlaws have NEVER done this. His wife joked that he would love to be an adopted grandfather - I may have to take him up on it. :(

I will tell you what I tell my husband...you can't force a relationship. The constant trying and turn down of invites seems harder on him than not asking. I have tried to have him let them determine what kind of relationship they want to have with the kids - I am through begging. I understand the jealousy of those that have involved family in town, and try to make sure that my children get to see others through daycare, playdates, etc., that care for them.

I have SO much to comment on this. First of all, I don't blame you at all for feeling that way, but honestly, I've come to realize you can't change people or 'make' them come visit or have something to do with your children. It's sad that family's are not as close as they use to be, and everyone seems to be caught up in their own lives, they can't take some time to spend together. Secondly, I can understand your jealousy in seeing or hearing about how other grandparents spend time with their grandkids. My 3 y/o only had the chance to meet her Paternal Grandfather before he passed away a year ago. Her Paternal Grandmother passed away before my daughter was born. BOTH would have been phenomanal role models & grandparents to her. It makes me VERY sad when I think about them never knowing my daughter due to their untimely deaths. With that said, go on with your life & enjoy the people that you have in it that spend time with your children. Whether it be your 'true' family or not, let your children be surrounded by people that love them & they will grow up just fine. I hope things turn around for you, and your family members realize on how precious & short life is & they take the time to become involved with your children.

Don't feel bad, it has to do with the person not the distance. My mother lives about 5 mins from me and she hardly calls or visit - maybe once for the week or two. Quite likely those people are absorbed in their own world and lives, probably very independent or maybe selfish. If you are usually the one going out of your way, quite likely they are not aware that they don't check up as often. Keep track of it, present the times when they do call or visit and let them know you wish they would be more involved. They can't fix what they don't know.

One thing I might add too is that depending on your age, sometimes the grandparents probably mean well, but physically they are not up to the visit and if you have small kids, can't really handle the interraction. It might be age related versus love.

I just tell myself it is their loss. I have tried to make an effort with my FIL and (step) MIL, offering to let them keep him or take him out one day. And like you said , nothing. I even invite my MIL to jewelry parties or events I have, never comes. And frankly, am tired of trying with people who live 10 minutes away too!!! I don't have to make any effort with my parents or my real MIL and her husband (and they live an hour away as well). So, like I said, it is their loss. Just know in your heart, your precious son has sooo many people who love him and want to be with him. I am sorry b/c I know it hurts you and you want him to have a connection with them!

And to add, the only people I should have to make an effort with and I do are my grandparents in their 80s!!!! I take my son to see them as much as I can:) People in their early 50's should have no excuse for not being able to come to my house to see their grandson!! I might be looking at this totally wrong, just tired of being hurt by them.

Updated

I just tell myself it is their loss. I have tried to make an effort with my FIL and (step) MIL, offering to let them keep him or take him out one day. And like you said , nothing. I even invite my MIL to jewelry parties or events I have, never comes. And frankly, am tired of trying with people who live 10 minutes away too!!! I don't have to make any effort with my parents or my real MIL and her husband (and they live an hour away as well). So, like I said, it is their loss. Just know in your heart, your precious son has sooo many people who love him and want to be with him. I am sorry b/c I know it hurts you and you want him to have a connection with them!

And to add, the only people I should have to make an effort with and I do are my grandparents in their 80s!!!! I take my son to see them as much as I can:) People in their early 50's should have no excuse for not being able to come to my house to see their grandson!! I might be looking at this totally wrong, just tired of being hurt by them.

My family lives in Canada and they call my DD every night before bed to talk about what she did in school and to read her a story over the phone. My hubby's parents live 10 minutes away and could care less about our family. They havent seen our DD over a year now. Its pretty sad. I have told my hubby that when and if his family comes around to see her that he cant expect her to want to call them grandparents. His response is that he is more hurt that they dont even bother asking about her and he wont push her to call them grandparents. All I can tell you is try to not let it bother you so much. They are missing out on your family and will probably regret it later in life.

You can't make people do what you want them to do, but you can invite them to do what you want them to do. Don't just ask them if they want to come over. Invite them for a certain time. Make it a big deal. "You are so special to me, and we want you to be special to our daughter. Would you come over for a barbecue Saturday at 6?"

If they say yes, don't say a word to them about having to do this sort of inviting. Just invite them again a couple of weeks later.

If they say no, try them again a couple of weeks later. Don't give up. It won't hurt you, and it may help them. Let them know you love them, whatever they say. (Meanwhile, are there older people in your neighborhood who might be good extra grandparents to your daughter? Invite them to the barbecue! Don't waste a good party!)

First I would ask myself is there something I may have said or done that has caused hard feelings on their part? If so..try and work it out and then try and make definite plans with them.. like say.. "we would enjoy your company at dinner on date & time..etc" please come. Also.. your parents for whatever reason may feel more comfortable in their own home, as my parents did, and rarily came over to my home unless for a holiday etc. and then only when specifically invited. And since they are so close why dont you stop and see them? Try and work this out and don't give up.. grandparents & parents are always needed no matter how old you get!

I totally understand, and it's good to hear the other responses you have.
The first thing I'd suggest is talking about it openly. Tell them how important it is to you that they're in your kids' lives and how you wish they would come by more. Perhaps you're sending mixed signals? I found out recently that my SIL thought I didn't want her involved with my kids b/c whenever she'd do something with them (make my son food, hold my baby) I'd swoop in and take over. I just wanted her to feel relaxed so that sh'd enjoy being around them more! I also found out that my parents aren't comfortable staying at my house, so we've worked on meeting up elsewhere. Perhaps there's something similar going on in your situation.
With that potential issue out of the way, I guess you have to make do with whatever relationship you can have. I found out my MIL just doesn't like kids. As much as that was hurtful and surprising to me, now I know it's nothing personal and I'm hoping when they grow up she'll choose to be more involved. I also discovered that she does well as a "helper". Like, she won't come to hangout with my kids or babysit them, but she'll come to the birthday party if I tell her I need help setting-up. Not ideal, but at least my kids see her at the important events. Also, I've decided that in the future I'll buy presents from them instead of being upset that they forgot. ("He's really into trains this year. I bought a couple. Would you like me to wrap one for you and give it to him for his birthday?") Because the bottom line is I want my child to feel loved. And I agree with another poster that you can create another family. Yesterday a friend of mine asked my son, "Are we friends?" and he said, "No, we're family." It warmed our hearts. SO he's created his won extended family. As far as the other grandchild, I would try to shield your child from that. My inlaws live with their other grandchildren, but my son hasn't caught on to that yet...

That's sad.. but the others are right.. it is kind of their loss. I would talk to them and ask calmly (as hard as it is!) why they don't seem to want a relationship with you guys, including your kiddo. I'm personally surprised that they don't seem to want that relationship, but it happens. My Mom doesn't seem to have any interest in her grandson other than lording it over my head that she could have, and should have, been the one to do such and such for him. She also lives 20 something hours away so we don't deal with much from her.

And whoever commented on only making an effort with the great grandparents.. I actually kind of agree! Sure, invite them over and invite them to be involved in activities, but they do need to meet you halfway at least. They have to be the ones to get up and do it. Even my MIL makes an effort to drive 5-6 hours at least once a month to see her son and her grandson.

Shari- that's sad. You are right, she is immature. I hope she does grow out of it someday and her attitude doesn't bleed off onto the kids. I may not like a few of my in-laws, but I'm an adult and can be the bigger person when needed. When it comes to my son, its needed. He deserves to know them and unless they're criminals or just big time jack__.. they do sort of deserve to know him too.

Are you inviting your father and mother or your father who don't get along or your father and stepmother ?
Is your dad's wife's grandchild older? Some people don't feel comfortable around young children and wait till they're a little older.
Maybe they're not comfortable "dropping in" and need specific invitations as Mary L said. If things don't get better eventually you could just ask (without a trace of resentment) "I feel you aren't that interested in pursuing a typical grandparent relationship with my child, is it that he's too young, or you dont feel comfortable or???" Maybe the answer will surprise you or explain things. Luckily they have super grandparents on your husbands side!

Have you sat down and had a conversation with them? Non-confrontational, meaningful talk. Tell them what great people they are and that they could add value to your child's life. Give them a chance to tell you their perspective.

I am going through a similar situation. My mother is planning on moving to New Mexico, she and I are currently in OK. Even with her moving date comming up she has made no effort to see my daughter. I have called her, but it mostly goes to voice mail. My daughter is 6 months old and my mom has seen her mabye 3 or 4 times. I am dealing with the knowledge that my daughter will not know her grandmother, however, my stepmom is great with her! She sees her every day and is always willing to baby sit. When my stepmom enters the room, my daughter lights up and lunges for her, however when she sees my mom, she has no reaction. It is sad and the only thing you can do is tell them how you feel. Hopefully it will work out better for you than it did for me. Oh and my mom is the same way with my brother's children, so at least I am not feeling completly rejected.

We have a set of grandparents like that. They won't call for months. My son was getting open heart surgery and she expressed how she hope he'd do well and never came up to visit! I thought that was horrid but I'm use to it anymore. She didn't even call to be honest.

I guess after 12 years we are just use to it and have accepted it. Horrid as it is to say. We know that they will only have something to do with our children on their time. Well if that doesn't fit up with our plans sorry. Now if my mother calls we run on over. We expect calls for birthday and around holidays but really that is it. Once in awhile she calls and says oh we haven't seen you guys in forever I would like you to bring the children over. I think she has decided we are free loaders or that is what I suspect, even though we've never asked them for anything, because she always buys lavish gifts to entice us. Maybe I'm being paranoid though.

But they have caused this not us. I guess they will be known as the grandparents that live 5 mins away but give cool presents. Who know right! I have no idea what my children will think of them in the future but now they are just happy to see them when they do. But there is nothing I can do to make them care. I saw one set of my grandparents who lived 5 hours away at least 3 times a year. We would stay with them for a week without my parents. I loved them dearly. The other set I'd say I didn't know. Saw them maybe once a year, sometimes every other year. I didn't know them at all so when they died it didn't hurt like it did when the other set did. They only lived 2 hours away. But again it will be what it will be. Can't say your kids will think upon it negatively just maybe with indifference and it hurts you far more than it does them.