Grandparents Favourtism of First Born

I just want to say that I can relate, and I feel sorry for you. I wish people could act like adults and realize what they are doing. My entire family favors my older son over his two cousins who are just 2 years older than he is. It's incredibly uncomfortable for me as the mother of the favored child to witness. On my husband's side of the family, my older son is favored over my younger son. It's just idiotic.

Your husband has made it clear that he favors the son he has with you over his older boy? Really? Maybe that's why your in-laws are showing more interest in the older boy...to compensate for all your focus on who is the favorite kid.

Hi Charity,
I also agree that a lot of men (and women, heck!) just aren't comfortable around infants and toddlers and it does take time. I think I'd want to explore this whole thing a bit more before I were to settle on an opinion one way or the other. For instance, the picture thing. Takes some cute pics of your son, maybe frame a couple, and give them to your in-laws. Then next time you visit, see if they have put them up in their house. You also need to realize that they've had 5 years to bond with their first grandchild. Sometimes I think my MIL favors the first born grandchild just a bit more than the other grandchildren, but then I realize that this child had her grandparents' undivided attention for 5 whole years before any other kids came along. So the bond is a little different, you know?

But, am I reading it correctly that your husband favors the son that he had with you, over his first son? Or is that an error?

Not sure if you have considered this, but sometimes guys just aren't so much into infants. I know my father wasn't really that interested in my son when he was an infant and small toddler. I don't mean he didn't love him - this is his only grandchild. But he just wasn't....that engaged with him, I guess.

My son is almost 5 now and my father really bonded with him over the summer, even taking him out on small Grandpa/Grandson excursions.

Give it time - I think as your son gets older your FIL will show more interest.

I am sorry... but you write that it is wrong for your FIL to show favor to your step son... but have NO issue with you husband showing favor to your son? I just can't get past that......
honesly how you write it sounds like you expected everyone to make your baby the center of their worlds and lives... it is not and should not happen. As others have pointed out your in laws have a 5 yr relationship with your step son. 5 yr olds have more school pictures and such to display (have you given your inlaws a pic to hang up yet?). I am sure they love your baby... but a 5 yr is a whole lot easier to play with right now. I actually get more annoyed when my family fawns over my 8 month old and ignores my older child. she has no clue... but he does.
If you are not careful you are setting your child and step son up for a lifetime of bitter sibling rivary as you are already measuring who is favorite and if it is all fair. As I have said to my 6 yr old fair does not mean equal.....

A few thoughts:
1) A lot of men aren't good with babies, as some other moms have noted. Once your son is old enough to walk and talk, watch what happens.
2) If your husband actually does favor your son over his older son, this may be clear to your in-laws. I would imagine they are trying to spare their older grandson the pain of having his own father choose his second child over him. A father should never make it clear to anybody, least of all his own child, that he favors one child over the other. That's very hurtful to a child, and something he will never forget.
3) I would really let this go. Your infant may be the center of your universe right now, and that is as it should be. However, I do not think your in-laws deserve to have you judging them for not hightailing it to the hospital the red-hot second your son was born (a 12 hour old baby looks pretty much the same as a 1 hour old baby, except his mama looks more rested at 12 hours! Your MIL knows this from experience, I'm sure!). Your son is not old enough to see whose photos are on the fridge, but your stepson is. It's okay that they are giving him more attention right now. The baby will never know this. By the time your son is 2, things will have evened out. Your stepson will have a relationship with his little brother, your FIL will be able to relate to your baby, everything will be fine.

As an aside, I was highly concerned when my second child was born that my parents were giving my oldest so much attention. Now that the kids are 6 and 9, their grandparents love them both equally and give each girl the same amount of attention. Grandparents have a better perspective on this than we do, because they've done it all before. Trust that it will all work out, mama!

Your mama bear feelings are active, but it is kind of a non-issue. You are being sensitive, as a new mother often is, to in-law family dynamics; try to take a step back.

Your son is an infant - your FIL has a 5 year relationship established with your stepson. As your son gets older and interacts more, your FIL will develop his own relationship with him. As it is, really only you and your husband have a "relationship" with your infant BECAUSE he's an infant.

Part of you is worried that FIL won't have a relationship with your son, but part of you is jealous. Do your best to let go of these feelings. Stop calling your stepson the favorite, because it is framing the relationship in a negative way. He's not the favorite, he's the first, and he's a completely different. He is also stuck with a broken home, which your son is lucky NOT to have.

I don't know why you would think your FIL is jealous - that makes no sense because he has nothing to be jealous of.

Your stepson has a right to feel somewhat jealous - there is a cute new baby for his dad to love, and SS is old enough to wonder if he will lose his father's love now that he has a "new" son. And if your husband "made it clear to me that he favors 'your' son", how crappy is that for that poor 5year old? That would just suck in a big way and is totally wrong.

Love your baby, your husband and your stepson. RELAX about the whole "relationship" thing. It will happen in time if you LET IT develop on it's own. Right now, you're just making people feel bad because you're pushing something that isn't ready to happen yet, and isn't even necessary. Your son doesn't care about any of this stuff. But he WILL pick up on your bad feelings, so do your best to nip the negatives in the bud.

if i were your in-laws, and it's true what you say about your husband favoring your child over his firstborn, they're probably trying to make sure the older child doesn't feel left out.
my hope is that you mis-worded that.
it sounds to me as if the only jealous person here is you, because this is your first baby and ALL of us tend to feel as if our babies are the center of the universe. this is perfectly natural. but you have to understand that it's also natural that not everyone feels this way.
your baby has no clue that his picture isn't on the fridge (yet.) your FIL probably isn't a *baby* person. when your child is older he'll be more comfortable with him. i know i myself adore infants, pre-teens and teenagers. i'm sort of awkward and uncomfortable with toddler-through-10s. it doesn't mean i don't like 'em. (i had my own after all and adored them.) but with other people's kids i find my own comfort zone, and it can't be dictated by the parents.
your husband has the right attitude. relax and follow his lead.
khairete
S.

Your fil might just not be into babies. My fil did not bond with my children until they were a little older and had more personality and could actually interact with him in a more direct way. He is just not into holding babies and playing peek a boo.

If you met my boss you would understand why I will never ask her son about that dynamic but it is exactly the same only it is mom that is over the top. If you look around her office there are 15 pictures of her grandsons. 14 of grandson one though one has both grandsons and one of grandson 2. There are people in our office that didn't even know she has two grandsons. :(

They are 3 and 5 in age.

She will deny she treats them any differently even though she completely ignores the second grandson. She claims it is because the first one doesn't have a full family since the parents never married. Blah blah blah.

Grandson one has a decorated bedroom at his grandparents if they both stay grandson 2 sleeps on the floor.

Around the office we are pretty sure grandson number two is going to tell his grandma to stick it where the sun don't shine as soon as he is able to find the words. Grandson one is never going to work a day in his life.

Just be glad your son knows you love him, that is what counts most. :)

Oh don't be mad at your husband, I know there is nothing her son can do to get through to her!

Maybe your FIL is not good with babies. Mine never held my daughter and I was never upset by it because that's how he was. I know he loved all three of his grandkids the same. It may be that he is also worried that the baby will get all the attention and not the older child. Can you try to have grandpa do things with both kids? Maybe a game or incourage them to play with the baby.

He may not feel comfortable with babies. Sometimes adults will "favor" a child over another and I don't think they realize what they are doing. I notice it because I have 5 kids. I make it a point to treat all kids special and acknowlege them but I don't think everyone does that. I think some people don't even realize that they are excluding. Some people may not care and will show favorites and they don't care who's hurt, but probably for the most part, people don't even realize this. I feel this way a lot because I notice that in me and my husband's family someone gets ignored or spoiled. I can't figure out why they can't be nice and considerate to all my kids.

Well, I have to say (from my perspective) that you are the lucky one that your In-laws are not with your son ALL the Time like mine are...I think the important thing is that you and your husband are there for your son and your stepson and as long as there is no jelousy in your family (you and your husband), you should not be concerned about your in-laws. Give them some time but meanwhile concentrate more on your son and your husband. Sometimes I wish my in-laws would back off and concentrate on something else and get a life rather than always butting in on our family life and my son who is 20 months old

The next time you go over there, put a pictur of the baby on the refrigerator. If MIL doesn't like it, ask her why and look at her face. Tell her that baby is as much a part of her son as the first child on the frig is.

That's enough for now. Maybe FIL will play with the baby when he is older and not so little like he'll break.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this. My husband has lived this almost his entire life...his mother being single and dumping him on an Aunt a bunch until he was 7 and she remarried. The man she married (my fil) adopted him, and they had another son together, and that's when the trouble started. My husband wanted a bike....get a paper route and save, the brother wants a bike...gets it as a gift AND a scooter, then a dirt bike, and then a car and on and on. My husband not allowed to hang anything in his room, the brother's room COVERED in posters, my husband raking leaves and pulling weeds, the brother playing ball etc. Now that they are older, I thought we had it made as we gave them what the brother said he would never give them,......a grandchild. When our daughter was 5, the most selfish brother on the planet started cheating on his high school sweetheart and wife of over 10 years, divorced, became engaged and married to one of his girlfriends, declared that he still didn't want children, and then had one, and now is expecting a 2nd one! My mother in law is going up to NC a week before this next one is due to arrive, and staying for four weeks because.......oh my gosh,,,,,,she is having a planned C-section on Dec 1 and needs help with baby #1, and won't be able to grocery shop, run errands, etc....because she is the first woman EVER to have a 2nd child by c-section when the first is 2! (did I mention that they live with her mother) We live 2 hours away and they see our daughter 2-4 times a year. In 7 1/2 years......6 birthdays, 2 of 4 ballet recitals, Thanksgiving and Christmas. They can't even meet us 1/2 way for Easter Brunch someplace because she "has to do laundry". When we are at their house the obvious picture inequality is obsurd! I send school pictures, Easter pictures, Christmas pictures, Halloween pictures etc.....almost none of which are displayed, but wedding pictures, baby pictures, Christmas pictures etc are all over the place of the darling son and his darling offspring and girlfriend turned wifey. My husband BLASTED his mother about two years ago on the phone, and since then they have made attempts ...and invite us over for BBQ and swimming in the pool...but won't go 5 minutes out of their way to make an effort to see us....two hours away, but do go to NC for birthdays, wedding shower, baby showers, new baby etc.....
Good luck to you, I don't have any answers for you, but know that you are not alone!

If it is bothering you this much (and I understand why it is), then you should say something. The key is HOW and to whom first. Can you first talk w/ your husband. Then mayb your MIL? Explain how you feel. Don't be accusatory... they (esp your FIL) may be doing this unintentionally.... trying to make up for the fact he had to go through a divorce... or something else... Maybe he just enjoys your stepson more because he can interact with him as he's older... Discuss it, explain how you feel and that you are concerned. Then listen to what they have to say. Do it when you are all calm, and not agitated by a recent event. Best of luck : )