Great-grandparents Won't Take No for an Answer.

What a tough situation. You have a heart of gold to take in this child. I hope they realize that. Do they want full custody? Either way, you have done a very kind thing and F the father for not giving up rights yet not being a man and actually being her father... So with that, I will say 8 times a year if these are decent people who just love her and want to be a part of her life, is not a lot... It's less than 1x a month. Does she seem comfortable with them? If so, if they were very involved with her as a baby, it must be hard for them to let go. So I agree with others to make a set schedule. Perhaps 1x a month. If you feel she's not safe or something though, then I guess you have to fight them and ignore their text etc.

As long as you realize they could simply have the biological father go to court and request his child be given to him and the court WILL give him his child then you might rethink this.

HIS family has as much right to this child as you do. It's that simple.

He doesn't want you to adopt his child. That's something you need to face. ALL guardianship is considered to be temporary. You need to understand that he legally has the right to come get his child.

Unless he is currently breaking the law and is under investigation for a major crime a judge would not have ANY LEGAL reason to not give him his child.

Then as soon as he gets his child he can give it to whomever he wants. Seriously!

I am a grandparent raising grandchildren and I am highly aware of the laws that effect children in this situation. I am very active in my state with this sort of organization.

This is not your child, this child does not belong to you, you need to realize this may never happen and that you do have an obligation to this child's parent to foster that relationship between his family and his child.

If you just want to keep pretending you have a choice in this matter then I'd suggest you visit with a family attorney who is up to date on this sort of law. If I was the great grandparent I might have already taken you to court for a court ordered visitation.

In my honest opinion you don't have the right to say whether this child can or cannot go visit his family. You have to allow his family access to his child or you could absolutely end up having court dates and visitation that will take place whether you want it to or not.

This is HIS child. HIS family has a right to their great grandchild. You need to come to terms with this.

I think they sound like grandparents who are terrified that they are going to be cut off from their granddaughter, whom they love. At the same time, I can completely understand why it's frustrating to you to have someone else dictate your family's schedule.

Can I suggest that you might make it easier on you and them by setting up a yearlong schedule of visits?

For example, they see your daughter the 1st weekend of every month, and that will alternate between her going to see them at their house for the weekend, and they coming to visit you for the day at your house. So they get 6 visits per year alone with her. And on the day they visit you, you incorporate them into whatever your family is doing - they can go to her sports practices, have dinner with you, etc. And you know not to plan things they can't participate in on that day (eg, you wouldn't plan a camping trip that day because you know well in advance that they are coming).

Yes, it will tie your family down a bit more than it does now. BUT - think of this - there is no longer a need for them to text you to ask to schedule the next visit because they already know when it is. And if they do, you can just keep repeating to them "No, she can't come down on XXX, but she's looking forward to seeing you the first weekend of next month."

I don't think this will make the problem go away - I suspect that they will always push for more. But, having dates already planned makes your responses easier - almost automatic. You can just keep repeating the same response over and over. "No, that won't work, but you'll see her the first weekend of next month at our house (or at your house)." Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Every time you get a call or text.

Bravo Gamma G! I have guardianship of my granddaughter. The last thing the judge said to me was that I MUST help foster the relationship between the child and her family. I also know from experience that not doing that will definitely bite you in the butt later on,.

This is NOT your child. Yes, you are raising her but SHE knows you are not her mother. Wait until next Mother's Day. She will want a card for her mom, not you. I go through that every Mother's Day and guess what? It's okay. I'm not her mother! It may hurt my feelings a bit because, after all, I am the one who sits with her when she's sick; I was the one who read with her every night for years and sat with her to do homework, etc. But I keep it to myself and move on.

You need to learn to do the same. You cannot adopt her; she will NEVER be your child. You need to get a handle on what your role is and is not.

There are VERY few kids who get to even meet, let alone get to spend time with, great grandparents. Don't try to stop that. You should let the child spend AT LEAST one full weekend per month with her great grandparents and you SHOULD let her go on that trip with them.

If my parents or in-laws only saw their grandchildren 8 times a year, they'd be pretty pushy too. In a way, they're right - in their eyes, you're no more of a parent than they are. Of course court awarded custody to you and you're *are* your niece's mother in every way except the legal adoption, but they won't see if that way.

I agree with the others to set up a regular schedule that everyone can agree to. They should be able to see her at least twice a month. Make one visit an overnight and the other a day outing. Get it on the schedule so that you can plan accordingly. While it would be great to just pretend that you have a traditional family where you have complete say-so over your daughter, the fact stands that you don't have that family and that if the bio father cleaned himself up and wanted to be involved, you'd have a lot more visitation on your hands than having her stay with her great-grandparents once a month and then have them come to you for an outing once a month.

I know that it seems unfair to you, and it probably is, but I'd just accept it and try to come up with a reasonable schedule. They are representing her father's side of the family and should have more access to her than 8 visits a year.

At her age, 8 times a year is not too much. If her bio dad were in the picture, he would have her MUCH more often!

I agree that you need to sit down with them and discuss your mutual concerns... reassure them that you want her to know that side of the family, but she does need to be able to do the planned activities with your family.

I think that a set schedule of 1 weekend a month, and maybe 2 weeks during the summer would be a good idea at this point, with the possibility of other special activities during the year if planned ahead. This way, you will be able to plan around that weekend, and they will have a schedule to reassure them that you aren't trying to eliminate them from her life.

Also make a point to invite them to the activities that she is in, like ball... be sure they have her ball schedule and know they are welcome to any of her events.

If they took you to court, that would be expensive for both sides, and they would end up getting more rights than this, I'm sure.

As a grandparent, I would want to be involved as much as possible in my grandchildren's activities.

A lot depends on whether you have legal custody, or whether there's just an informal arrangement that you are raising the child because her mother and father were unable to. You must have something, if you are in charge of her medical visits and so on. It also appears that the bio father, who never signed over his rights, has grandparents who cannot accept the situation and feel that, unless they can keep you hopping, they may lose a connection to their great grandchild.

She's 4, so she doesn't have much of a social life other than what you arrange. But the great grandparents will find that, over time, she resents them for interfering with her schedule. I'm not clear - are you saying that this 4 year old has a ball schedule? That may be hard for others to understand, so they may feel that you are making up schedules or putting up barriers. They may also feel that they are getting older and don't have as much time to watch her grow up as they would like.

I think a compromise might work - set up a defined schedule that works with your family's schedule, and so that the great grandparents feel secure that you are interested in having them as a part of her life. But make it work with your family's schedule too - you don't want her missing family time, vacations and holidays. And how do you think she does for long periods of time? Does she do okay with them for a week, or would shorter vacations make more sense? How does she seem when she goes off with them, and how does she seem when she comes back? Are you confident in their ability to care for her competently? Do you have any concerns that they would not return her to you at the end of the visit?

Look ahead at the summer and some 3 day weekends, suggest a schedule to them, and write it down. Tell them it will be far less frustrating for everyone if they know exactly what time they have and they aren't constantly texting and calling about it. If they know when they will have her, they can seek out entertainment and better bargains on things like Disney On Ice than spur-of-the-moment purchases that may not work out. But stress that this little girl needs stability, and that means no get-togethers without planning, no pulling her out of family activities designed to give her structure, and so on. You can have her make a drawing for them or send them a little craft that she made - if you do this frequently (and kids always have some creation or another that is crowding the refrigerator or the bulletin board), it may reassure them. And it's contact by mail, on your schedule.

What bothers me about their actions is the whispering in her ear. Whether or not she is your bio child, adults absolutely never whisper in a child's ear about plans or about who's not letting the child go where. Since they are capable of driving 2 hours at the drop of a hat, and since they text, they are both mobile and tech-savvy. That means you can have them Skype with her (vs. just talk on the phone) which will let her see their faces more and also allow you to overhear what's being said. You can allow more frequent but shorter conversations. It also bothers me that they are going to the child's bio mom and complaining. That is so inappropriate.

I think if she alternates visits, going to them part of the time and having them come to you in between, it keeps the visits frequent but also lets you monitor half of them because the great grandparents are under your roof. If they want to take her out for a bite to eat, set it up ahead of time so she KNOWS what to expect. If it's sudden, it looks like the families are competing, and that's not good for her.

I don't know if it's worth saying to them, "Look, this child is going to grow up and figure out that neither my sister (her mother) nor your grandson (her father) were able to care for her nor wanted to be in her life on a daily basis. She's going to have a lot to deal with at some point. What she needs is a strong foundation of family, and not to feel like she is a pawn in a chess game. If you two want to be our partners in giving her stability and the knowledge that she has a loving and permanent home, great. I will help you do that. What I won't help you do is create any feeling that she doesn't belong, or that her situation might be disrupted. That means we work together with mutual respect and consideration. You don't talk to her about me behind my back, I don't talk to her about you. You acknowledge that my husband and I are in charge of her schedule, and that doesn't get disrupted because you happen to come into town." But you have to have your legal ducks in a row before you say this.

Is anyone but you supporting this child? Perhaps the great grandparents would set up something for her college education? That would always be their legacy, their gift to her. But if they are unreasonable, it would look like you are after their money and not their involvement.

But I would say to trust your gut. If this seems like too much control, and they are not content to play with her because "it's not enough", then this is more about THEM and not about what's best for the child.

Please clarify-when you say you have custody do you actually mean legal custody in the eyes of a court? Or are you without legal custody and any court would view the child's biological mother as her custodial parent?

If you don't have legal custody it sounds as if you need to check laws iin your state very carefully and then see if you can get the bio mom to sign over custody to you somehow -- but it also sounds as if the bio dad is going to make a huge stink and possibly choose that time to step forward and assert some rights. It's a pity.

I would get a good lawyer for yourselves (to cover your interests, not just bio mom's) and ask: Can you and bio mom prove abandonment by dad if he truly has no relationship with this child? If you can prove abandonment legally, is bio mom then actually going to let you either adopt or get full legal custody without adoption? I would find out whether you have a shot at getting the dad out of the picture legally. I'd also talk with the mom about what she wants for the longer term -- is the plan for you to raise this child to adulthood, or does she plan to take back her child once she is older, has a certain income, etc.? The whole arrangement sounds as if it needs clarification. If the mom does plan to take back her child to raise once mom is at a certain place in her life-- you, mom and the child all need to know that now and discuss it now.

If you don't also get mom to clarify what she wants to do about the dad -- such as seeing if abandonment is proveable-- he could turn up any time to claim this child and his grandparents could seek visitation rights. Some states have grandparent visitation rights and others do not. Find out the law where you are and get an attorney. You do not HAVE to pursue things legally but I'd get good advice, at least.

I am not saying to deny the great-grandparents any visitation, and this child sounds like she needs all the stable family she can get, but I agree with you that they sound pushy and somewhat unpredictable, and treat everything as a demand they have a right to make, rather than a visit to be worked out civilly. I would wager that they feel that you're "just" an aunt and they have a greater claim on the child's time-- while you are there to serve their interests and do as they ask since you're "just" aunt while they are great-grandparents. That's why some legal clarification of your role would be useful here. Besides the legalities, you and they may need to see a third party like a mediator to work out a visitation schedule -- but I would worry that if you don't have legal custody, and if the schedule is just agreed on a handshake, they might go ahead and continue their demanding ways.

It is beyond the pale for them to involve a young child in making THEIR wants happen, as they were trying to do by whispering with her, etc. This is manipulative behavior at its worst and will affect the girl, who will grow up feeling torn between family members. Please be sure the bio mom is telling them that you have final say and if YOU are not OK with a visit, that's the end of the discussion, or if you need to clear an outing like Disney on Ice, that clearance is something SHE requires as well. Is the mom intimidated by them, a bit afraid of them? I would bet she is.

This has got to be so tough on all of you. It is so wonderful that you and your husband are wiling and eager to step up and raise this girl as your own. I'm sure she will be loved and cherished in your home.

I'm sure you remember when you were first married and had children just how true this statement is - when you marry someone you marry their whole family. While you and your husband are raising this little girl, she still has a biological family that is not yours. Just as you would want your biological children to have a relationship with your husband's side of the family, I'm sure you understand that your little girl needs to have a relationship with her biological father's family.

I grew up without extended family around. Some relatives lived 350 miles away, and others lived over 2000 miles away. When they came to visit or we went to visit them, it was a big deal. We or they dropped everything, and the relatives visiting were the focus of our lives.

My husband grew up with relatives very close, always dropping by on a whim. If you were there, fine. If not, no biggy. You certainly didn't change your plans for others. Grandparents attending all school and sports events. He has criticized my family for not attending each other's events. It's not that we don't want to be there. We just don't always think of it. We all attending at least one game (of each other's kids). Just not all of them.

My point is, there is not right answer. Just the right answer for all of you. It's not necessarily too much for them to see her 8 times a year. It's not necessarily wrong for them to see her twice a month. It might see overwhelming to you, but it's not universally wrong.

I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you. It sounds like things aren't written in stone legally, and that's a very scary place to be.

I do think a very wise thing for you to do would be to sit down with them and plan some things. Plan the next few months. Look at both calendars and work out something you are both comfortable with.

Reach out to them (out of mutual love for this little girl), and work something out you are both ok with.

Try to remember that this is their great-grandchild whom they love. They might really hope that her father will be in the picture some day. This may or may not happen, but there will probably come a day when she wants to know her father. Please don't shut that door.

Do this because you love her and you want her to have access to her biological father and his family. She will thank you for keep that door open.

You think 8 times a year is too much? Yes, you do only care about your side of the family.

I think that if you are going to retain custody and you feel that they don't respect that you are her parents (even if legally she still has other parents), then perhaps a defined schedule is required. I would also consider something legally speaking re: schedule because a written agreement can be referred to if they do something like take her for longer than agreed or their grandson (whoever her father is to them) decides he's going to keep her and go for custody. But consider the down side of that then obligates you to provide her visits that many times a year.

If it is all up to you, then remind them, in writing, that they need to give you x notice. Buying tickets they can't use isn't your problem.

Also, she is getting older now and you can tell your child simply, "You know how if you want to go to your friend's house but none of the parents talked then it can't happen? It's a bit like that. They need to talk to me first otherwise plans can't happen." I've told my DD "I'm sorry, but we already agreed to go to a birthday party and I didn't know about this dance event til it was too late. We need to respect your friend and go to the party like we said we would. Can't do everything."

BM would make plans with the sks and then we would "get told" and sometimes we had to push back (well, DH did). If they have no official visitation, then it's always your call.

When I was a kid, my father went MIA and then suddenly wanted us to visit in another state for 2 weeks. Mom said no. She feared she'd never get us back. If your gut is worried, maybe there's a good reason.

Something you might look up is how to navigate an open adoption, which may pertain here. How do you, as the responsible one, navigate a relationship with them within reason and what is also good for the child. Them showing up and then assuming they can take her without clearing with you first is just rude. I can show up at my great-nieces' event, but I never assume I have the right to take her anywhere or that DD can spend time with her if the parents did not approve.

Question: Did they raise their grandson (the child's father)? If so, they may have a history of this. My friend's grandmother partially raised her and now has a really blurred line in what's "her right", to the point where she felt very possessive over her grandsons.

Basically, you need to figure out your legal standing. If the father has visitation, they can see her on his time.

I would think that grandparents have just as much right to the child as an aunt and her husband. The courts have been granting grandparents rights. After all they are both biologically related to the child and only one of you is. Seeing her 8 times a year is less than once a month. It sounds like they love her and want to spend time with her. I would try very hard to work with them. You do know the father could sue for custody and then let his parents raise her. You as the aunt would then need to sue for visitation which you might or might not get. It sounds like you are treating your niece as a possession, rather than considering that having a strong relationship with grandparents is a good thing.

Do you have legal custody of this child? If you do, that's helpful. What does the birth mother have to do with the raising of this child? Anything? How does making plans with HER for the child even affect the child if she's staying with you? If she lives with YOU, how does the mother have anything to do with the child's schedule? I'm not clear on that...

If they weren't so rude to you, it would be easier for you to accommodate them. You feel disrespected, and I don't blame you for being upset. That they whisper to the child about you is unacceptable.

Rather than make excuses about why they can't see her, that she's busy, etc, map out a 3 month schedule as to WHEN they can see her. Tell them that this is when it is convenient, and to please not text or call about other dates within that 3 months. And DON'T volunteer the ball schedule anymore. If they fuss about why, tell them flat out that their behavior in disrespecting you and whispering about you is unacceptable and that you will NOT HAVE IT. If they can't behave better, they will lose the opportunity to spend more time with her. In other words, the more they show respect to you, the more they abide by your wishes, the more they will see her.

And you SHOULD do this because if you DON'T, two things happen. One, they will never act better toward you because they will just continue to hound you. Second, this little girl will lose two people in her life who love her.

Every single time they start this stuff with you, tell them that they are overstepping their bounds, you've told them before and you won't put up with it. Then don't take their calls or read their texts or emails for a period of time. They'll know. It will change their behavior or they lose out on seeing her. When they finally start to get with the program, you'll all end up being happier.

By the way, you tell them before they get on the phone with her that ANY possible plans are only to be talked about with YOU, not with her. Tell them that if they get this little girl's hopes up for fun activities without asking you first, that you won't let her talk on the phone with you. That should stop it...

Gamma G and Diane D nailed it. All over this forum we read stories of moms lamenting the fact that certain family members want nothing to do with a child. Here is a set of great grandparents who sound desperate to spend time with this sweet little girl, and you find it upsetting and inconvenient?

You write "they seem to want more of a relationship with her, then (sic) I am willing to give them." If these people are in fact great grandparents, they are elderly and will not be alive long enough to see her grow up. What do you think will happen when this little girl finds out how much she was loved by these people, and you did everything in your power to keep them from seeing her? That you actively prevented them from having a close relationship with her? Your choices now will affect the future relationship with this girl as an adult. Put yourself in her position--would you forgive, or would it make you question what other family members were kept from seeing you because auntie "wasn't willing" to let you visit?

You need to let her go see them for the weekend at least once a month. This is her extended family and she should know them. I don't think it's manipulative, I think they don't know how else to do it. There is nothing wrong with her grandparents taking her to Disney on Ice or Disney World for that matter. even if she misses something planned for your nuclear family. I get that you are the mother (and you are the mother if you take care of her full-time) but I think you are wrong in thinking they want too much. This kid is going to need to know that her grandparents on that side love her enough to fight to see her. There is no such thing as too many people to love a kid and you cannot find anything better for a child with a chaotic parent situation than her/his biological grandparents!

I think you need to set up some kind of schedule with them, rather than having them constantly ask for her and you having to say no. Figure something out that works for you - every six week, every two months, etc - and sit down with them to make a plan. Maybe you do something like have your daughter spend the whole weekend with them once every two months, but invite them to come to you once every three weeks or so to watch her play ball and then take her out to eat after.

You need to make a plan or they will never stop asking. They need to know when they get to see her next. They obviously love her and want to spend time with her, so you should do everything you can to let her see them at reasonable intervals. Even if her father doesn't want to be involved, it will mean a lot to her to have family members on the paternal side that can tell her about his childhood, traditions, family medical history, etc.

Grandparents have legal rights for visitation. Play nice with them, or you might just wind up in court and that's a battle you won't win since it doesn't sound like you have legal custody. What they are asking for is not unreasonable, instead of trying to get them to see that no is no, you need to figure out how to say yes. They have a right to see her, too. I think setting up a schedule, much like a divorce couple sharing custody, would be beneficial to you all. You are going to have to get out of your comfort zone, but it's better to be the one to make that decision rather than having a court order.

You may not be the child's legal parent, but they aren't either. YOU are the one raising her, therefore, YOU get to say when and for how long they get to visit. YOUR family's schedule and needs come before theirs.
You say that they won't take "No" for an answer, but if the answer is an unequivocal, unqualified "No," they don't have a choice. They won't like it, but they will have to accept it.

If I were you I'd go to a good family therapist (on my own) to sort through this. Sometimes it's hard to be objective when we're very close to a situation.

You post makes them sound toxic and you could very well be right. And it may not be in the best interest of your daughter to see them as frequently as they are wanting. To me it is a red flag they they are not respecting your boundaries and whispering to her in front of you.

You are responsible for this precious child. You may not know them well, if at all. I don't blame you for being wary with all this.

But I would want to talk with a qualified, neutral party before I took any further steps in dealing with them.

I don't have any tips.

My niece was babysat by her grandparents and then the father passed away when she was around four, then the grandmother passed shortly after that.

There were some struggles over visits with her paternal grandfather and it finally went to court. The paternal grandfather was granted granted parents rights and she was court ordered to visit every other weekend and to take a phone call once a week at a designated time.

It completely uprooted the family, but that is what often happens in step-sibling situation.

While this took place, the grandfather didn't seem to have a real interest in the visits. He exercised the visits, but my poor niece said she never had anything to do and often sat in her dads old room watching TV alone.

In my view, it is just a power struggle.

It is likely the grandparents don't want to take the child but are the reason the natural father does not relinquish his rights. They are probably afraid if he does, they will not get to see her and they are her family.

If you haven't done so, I would suggest consulting with a CA family attorney to visit your rights in the matter. It sounds like it could get pretty hairy. You don't mention their age, I am assuming they could be as young as their early 50's??

Great grand parents?
How old are they? In their 70s?
If they started having kids at 16 and their descendants did likewise they might be in their 60s.
Don't they have any other interests in their life?
Any other kids/grand kids/great grand kids?
I've got news for them but THEY are the kids mother (or father) either.
I'd find this sort of interference to be over stepping bounds even from my own mother - and I love my Mom - but she'd never behave like this.
Soon this child will be in school if she's not in preschool already and she'll have friends and activities even more so than she does now.
On the one hand - you're going to out live them - it might be easy enough to just wait till they die and they certainly won't be interfering anymore.
On the other hand - a 2 hr drive (4 if you count the return trip) every month is expensive in gas, and wear and tear on your vehicles.
Do they drive it (how's their driving at their age?) or do they make you do all the transporting?
Since you don't want to cut them off (I think I would if I were in your place), you can't block their texts.
Grant parents rights are one thing but great grand parents rights might be a degree too far away to count for anything as far as the courts are concerned.
Get some legal advice and find out if they are any sort of real threat when it comes to custody.

My answer may seem harsh to some, but as an outsider being presented with this, yes, you do seem unreasonable. You seem to be trying to block their relationship with their great grand-daughter and trying to alienate her from them. Their behavior is not odd at all, but loving and determined. Be careful that you don't cut them off, because when your niece realizes that you kept them from her, she will be angry with you.

"I feel that they are very manipulative using our daughter to get what they want." How so? How are they doing that - I didn't really get that impression.

What was your relationship like with your great grand parents?

To see a great grand child they "had a lot to do with. . . before coming to live with us" they travel 4 hours round trip each time. That's a far way to go. They are trying so hard to spend time with someone they love and want to have a relationship with, I know it may be inconvenient for you, but why do you object? " . . . they seem to want more of a relationship with her, then I am willing to give them." I know you are now the foster mother, but are they decent people? Why do you object to her having a relationship with them? What are your concerns?

Imagine how heart breaking this entire situation must be for them. Put yourself in their shoes. 8 days to visit out of what? 365 days a year, why do you think that is excessive? Set up a schedule. And really, some blended family counseling might not be such a bad idea. How much did they have to do with her before she came to you, was she in their care? How hard to give up the baby after raising her for a year and now they only get to see her only once in a while, when you decide.

Reading this, I know you are venting out of fear and frustration, but my reaction to this is "What are you so afraid of?" "Why are you so possessive and jealous of this little girl?" "Are you angry with them because you are angry with the bio father? with the bio-mother?" Address these concerns - fear and possession and jealousy, and then maybe you will have a better understanding of your reaction to this situation.

Keep us posted about how things develop.

Once again, a cautionary tale of the dangers of sex out side of marriage.

How would you handle grandparents like this if they were on your side of the family? You said that the paternal great grandparents had a lot to do with her before you got custody. Did she live with them before you got custody of her or did she live with the father's parents?? Does the biological father pay child support and why does he not want anything to do with the child? You are both stepping on each other's toes a little too much. I sense they want a relationship with this child and they feel like you are trying to shut them out or severely limit their time with her. On the other hand, they do appear to be pushing the limits so I would set boundaries that are reasonable for both sides. In some states, grandparents can go to court and get visitation rights of a grandchild even if there is no parental involvement. I don't know what their rights would be so I would be hesitant to find out. Evidently since you have let her spend the weekend with them on prior occasions, they must be decent people. However, expecting to take a four year old child out of state would be too much time and too much distance for me. Buying Disney on Ice tickets for grandchildren would not be a problem, but they should have asked to make sure that you all were not planning to go as a family and secondly, that the date was convenient for you. I think I would explain that you think that it is important for your child to have a relationship with them, but that it can't overwhelm family plans you have in place (like the camping trip) or getting to visit with other family members (other grandparents). You said you had a younger child and it is important that you all have family time together. Explain that now that the child is playing ball, she needs to be here for games and that they are welcome to come and watch. Give them an occasional weekend with her. But insist all plans need to be discussed with you before they talk to the child. Find ways that they can be involved from a distance. At four, she could i-chat with them during the week or color pictures and mail them. You could text pictures of her to them during the week. That should make them feel connected & maybe they will back off.
There is something about your question that concerns me- you think their behavior is very odd. What is odd about it? I think that gut feelings are very important - are you concerned they might try to take the child away from you or are you just annoyed that they want so much time with her. Good luck!