Gumnastics Fiasco

Maybe now is her chance to try something totally new if she is into athletics:
swimming, tennis, golf, lacrosse, basketball, baseball, softball, running, volleyball,etc. She sounds young and need not be limited to one or two sports. She may find her joy in another area.

If you rip up the teacher for even asking your child to try out, you will be setting a terrible example for your daughter. She will learn, if you do that, that mom will turn all mama-bear whenever she is disappointed and will go after those who dare to tell her that she did not make the grade. Are you then ready and willing to go after each teacher in school who gives her a poor or failing grade on a test or assignment? If she doesn't get a part in the school play or doesn't make first chair in the school chorus or orchestra, are you going to sail in and "give a piece of your mind" to the director, adviser or conductor?

Are you going to show her that you, and she too, should lay blame for her shortcomings on others?

She tried. Give her full credit for trying and teach her that even trying our utmost at times does not mean we get the slot on the team, or the role in the play, or the top grade (or even a passing grade). She can learn perseverance from this, or she can learn to blame others and to let mom swoop in and hand out pieces of her mind to adults who disappoint her. Which lesson do you prefer she learn here?

It sounds like your other baggage about gymnastics -- the fact that she was let down once before by dad's unwillingness to make team gymnastics happen for her -- is badly affecting your judgment here, and creating emotions that are making you angry where there should not be anger. Try to step back from the emotion or your daughter will pick up on it and get more emotional and upset herself.

aw, i'm so sorry. your poor little girl.
do NOT 'give the teacher a piece of your mind.' it's not her fault. this totally falls under 'necessary life lessons.' from her perspective, you could be equally pissed at her if she had made a value judgment that your daughter could not qualify, and you could have been getting up in her grill for not giving her a shot.
she had a shot. it didn't work out. it's hard to handle, but life will be full of these.
your job isn't to get her onto a gymnastics team, or push her into trying out again (she'll decide that once the storm of disappointment has passed) or yell at her coach for not being able to see the future. your job is to help your daughter learn how to handle disappointment with grace, and how to turn it into wisdom and greater determination.
that's dark side to 'you can be anything you want, sweetie!', isn't it? of course we tell our kids this, but as they get older we have to add in 'but if you're not super-blessed in the talent department, you may have to work so hard at it that you'd be better off putting your energy into something more realistic.'
this is not a mama-bear situation. it's an opportunity to give your child useful tools for her future success.
khairete
S.

So your daughter is athletically gifted. The teacher recognized this and said she should try out. Your daughter needed to be a bit more skilled in one area and unfortunately she didn't make it.

Why do you need to talk to this coach? Some times we win in life. Some times we lose. I understand it's disappointing for everyone involved, but can you just call it a learning experience and make a decision about next year and move on without calling the coach's judgment into question?

I must say, it sounds like the poor girl had so much on her shoulders during the tryouts anyway. Not trying to be snarky, but you and your husband were laying a lot on the line for her to do well. I mean, her parents are FINALLY agreeing and not laying a guilt trip about this class, so she'd better do well, right?

I hope she continues with what ever she decides will make her most happy. And I hope you and your husband will continue to support her.

Good luck.

I suspect that this is par for the course, recommending that kids try out, without necessarily having regard for whether or not the kids will actually make it.

This is unfortunate, but your daughter will need to figure out that life is like this. Help her with this, K.. Talk to her about the idea of "getting back on the horse." Allowing her to walk away from anything just because she didn't qualify is a bad precident for later in her life. Help her manage it now - gracefully, appropriately. It will help her as she gets older.

Life is full of ups and down. This is a learning experience. If she really wants something she has to work hard for it. So if she wants to try agian in Jan, then she needs to work hard between now and then.

Why would you assume that she should automatically be picked? We can not all, win all the time.

Your daughter has a decison right now.. Work hard at gymnastics to try out in Jan or give it up and go with soccer.

While it is heart breaking, to not get everything we want, it is humbling. Makes us look and think, hmm why and move on and learn. She is now at a cross road and only she can make the decision.

Life: it is better to try and fail, rather than not try at all. We limit ourselve if we never try.

Also when one door closes- either another door will open or you keep working on that door.

Good luck.

Well, it is a tough situation, but one that is a good learning opportunity that nothing in life is guaranteed. My son was really excited to go to a private school, but he didn't get in. Big disappointment. It sounds like she is really close to making the team. Remind how much she likes the coach and the team and that with some brush up on her skills she has a good chance to make the team in January. Just because a moment is disappointing doesn't mean the whole activity should be junked.

I would not talk to the coach at this point. The coach really did nothing wrong. He felt she was good enough to try out but that is never a guarantee of getting picked. The feeling of disappointment your daughter has is normal and it is okay for her experience it and then move forward.

If her other three events are good enough, have her continue to train those but put a heavier focus on bars for the rest of the year. Let her try for team again in January. Maybe you can have the team coach watch her in practice to tell you if it's really worth it or not. Your daughter doesn't have to know that the coach is evaluating her.

Don't say anything to the teacher. I'm sure they didn't know she wouldn't make the team and tell her to try out anyway. If her teacher isn't the team coach, she (the teacher) might not realize exactly what skills are needed.

Have your daughter think about it for a few days rather than being caught up in the moment. She can choose soccer or gymnastics, but she should think about it when she's feeling calm and clear headed.

That stinks - sorry to your daughter. I usually defer to my view that if something does not work out, it's because it's not meant to be.

Who knows why the teachers pushed her for team if she was not strong enough yet on bars. Maybe they thought she could do it? I would want to say something too but when it came down to it, I would prob. chicken out - ha

Here's the part that gets me upset at the coach - you said the coach pulled YOU aside and then YOU had to explain to your daughter why she didn't make the team?! What a jerk for the coach to do that!! The coach should have handled it professionally and had a discussion with your daughter about her try-out performance.

Beyond that...it's great that she tried! And also great that she already discovered her love of another sport (soccer), in case she decides to not do more gymnastics.

I'm sure if you give her time, she will get over it. No, don' talk to the teachers. This is a good lesson in disappointment - everyone needs to learn to handle it.

Why would you speak with the coach? In the end this was your daughters choice.
You tried to tell her to think about it, but maybe you all needed to consider this was a try out, not a guarantee.

It is good to at least try. Some people never try. Not everyone can be on a team, and it would be worse to be on the team but be considered deficient compared to everyone else if someone else could have been chosen who was better prepared.

Her choice now is to decide, continue to work towards being on this team in the future because she loves gymnastics.. Or continue to just take classes and just enjoy them.

Soccar can be a lifetime sport. Gymnastics is such a limited time sport...maybe this was just meant to be. A reminder we do not always make the team, but trying is just as noble.

You are there to guide her, not to protect her from all disappointments, especially her on choices.. Unless they are dangerous. She has learned a lifelong lesson, guide her through this and teach her grace and humility. She will become more mature with this valuable experience.

I also agree that the coach should not have made you do the dirty work. It's tough to say if the teacher was wrong or the coach was wrong or whatever, but I'd say that it seems that your DD is not a good fit for this gym. If the owner asks why, you can say that you do not feel the staff communicates well between the skills of the kids and the needs of the team. Your daughter does not want to stay and you will be taking your business elsewhere.

In the meantime, I would focus on other things and perhaps she will get back into it on a non-competitive level, do cheer or dance or theatre where her skills will still be handy.

I was once told by a coach that I didn't have the skills to be on the gymnastics team. He was kind about it, and suggested lessons that my mother could not afford, so I dropped out completely. I moved on. I think that while it hurts to not be on the team or the cast or whatever, there's a better way to handle it that isn't either end of the spectrum of being too nice or too mean.

It sounds like the teacher was so motivated to get the best possible team by getting the largest number of kids to try out, that the idea of rejection and feelings never entered the process. Sometimes the desire to win competitions really makes adults insensitive to kids.

I think your only option is to use it as a teaching moment about finding who you are, trying things, experimenting, etc., and about learning some things about what motivates certain coaches. I'm not sure how old your daughter is, but you might put on the original "Karate Kid" movie - show her the bad karate instructor for the other school who didn't care who got hurt when he worked so hard to have his team be the best. There are a lot of bad coaches out there. Another good picture is "Rudy" - young guy doesn't make the team, but doesn't give up. He becomes admirable despite his lack of natural ability.

Kids also learn from disappointment. They are too young to have to make these "all or nothing" decisions, and this is a good way to learn about being pushed, about being urged to pursue one avenue when it might not be right for them.

My son was never interested in one particular thing - I had to fight the parental peer pressure to choose between hockey and soccer and basketball and karate, or (worse) having karate 3 days a week and basketball the other 2). "How is he going to get into college if he doesn't become a top performer?" Yikes!

I never wanted him in something every single day, and I never wanted him to be pressured into "specializing" at age 8 or 10 or whatever. He tried a few different things - soccer a couple of seasons, town rec department basketball, etc. But not something every single day. He had friends and play dates too. If he had truly loved one sport above all others, that would have been different. But he was a generalist.

In high school, he wanted to try out for basketball but realized only a few people could make that team. He meandered over to the track and field team, which accepted everyone who wanted to participate. There were dedicated runners and javelin throwers, and then there were kids who just wanted to participate, to be in shape, or to condition for a sport that didn't play during that season.

He was encouraged by the coach to try a number of things. The coach looked at his size and abilities, but also recognized that kids' bodies change a lot in high school over a period of 4 years! Freshman year is "experiment year" and then the kids can try a few things and get a little coaching in different areas. Sophomore year, they start to specialize. My son discovered the joy of distance running, the challenge of competing against himself and the clock (not so much other people), and just LOVED the experience. He became very strong at long distances, and guess what? He got into a great college because of his running but also because he had time to do other things. Colleges want well-rounded kids who enjoy a variety of activities, related well to different kids and adults, and can adapt. So don't let your daughter get sucked into the hard core competitive thing or feel the need to decide now what her chosen sport will be. Her likes, dislikes, strengths, interests and body will change a lot over the years. Encourage her to experiment.

I wouldn't take on the teacher unless they ask or contact her for a call-back. If asked, I'd definitely say outright that she felt misled by the hype and wasn't prepared for the devastation of being pushed for something that required her to be an expert on so many pieces of equipment. Say you're not comfortable with that level of competitiveness and you won't be back now will you recommend them to others. If you aren't comfortable saying anything, you can always write a letter to the director, when you have a chance to choose your words. Be business-like rather than vindictive and emotional. If they get the message, great. If they don't, your daughter will know that it's "the system" and not her, that you backed her up, and that she will be able to judge future situations by the "odds" of being selected and how hard she wants to work. She'll also be much more empathetic with all the other kids who are disappointed when they don't make teams.

Growth experience for all.

You know something?
Doing what ever you enjoy does not have to always be competitive.
If your daughter loves gymnastics, she can do gymnastics and there's no need to be on a team.
I suppose what she really needs to learn about is telling the teacher 'Thanks for asking, but no thanks - I don't want to be on a team' the next time one starts talking about it.
It wasn't cool for the teacher to talk up the team and then not accept her but I suppose she wanted everyone to try out so the teacher could pick and choose the best of all applicants - she has a finite team size in mind.
Learning how to deal with flattery and false praise (or knowing when a sales pitch is more hype than not) is tough to learn at any age but if that's what your daughter takes away from this - she will have learned something important.

My son's taekwondo master has a team that has a pretty aggressive training and match schedule.
You just have to be able to commit to the schedule but - ALL SKILL LEVELS, even beginners, can join and no one is turned away.
Some years they have a dozen people and other years they have over 50.
Being on the team is a learning experience and how much you improve against your own past performance is what's important.
Oh it's nice if you win a medal, but it's not a requirement.

I'm a gymnastics coach, and I'm not sure why your daughter was encouraged to try out for a team if her bars wasn't good enough. Her class instructor should have known what she needed for bars and if she didn't have it, then she shouldn't have tried out. I would never recommend that a gymnast try out for one of our teams if she didn't have all the skills. If she didn't have all the skills, I would have talked to the team coach to see if she was a candidate before even bringing it up. That's setting a child up to fail.

If she had all the skills but she needed to clean up form and technique, that's one thing. Then it would be up to the coach of the team if he/she felt that she could clean things up enough to be successful in competition.

The coach should have talked to your daughter himself and told her exactly what she needed to work on, and then encouraged her by giving her advice on how to do this. She should have left feeling disappointed but inspired to work hard.

I think the whole things was poorly managed. We would never handle things like that in our gym. I can see why you're upset. She was set up to fail.

Yes, kids don't always make the team and it's a good life's lesson.

I have kids trying out for my teams all the time who do not have any of the skills needed and it makes me mad that parents set their kids up to fail like that. I have a list of skills needed that is made known--just like there is a set list of skills needed to do the gymnastics routines. If you don't have the skills, then you shouldn't be trying out! It's not like auditioning for a play where they choose the best ones. Either you have the skills, or you don't.

Help your daughter through this disappointment by helping her recognize her disappointment and helping her to see that quitting is not the answer. She just needs to work harder on bars. Probably it's a strength issue, so she can even work on her strength at home.

Good luck!

I'd tell the owner of the facility what happened. That's just not right. IF he is the owner then it's a wonder he's still in business.

That is wrong that he had YOU tell her she didn't make the team. Our gym coach tells the kids up front that they are in a try out situation and that they may not make the team. Then posting the results on the window. It's sad but letting the ones that didn't' make it is their responsibility.

Poor kiddo, check with other gyms to see if anyone else has a team she can try out for. I'd let her still take classes. Does she realize if she gets back into gymnastics and applies this to a college situation she can probably get a full scholarship?

Almost all of our gym kids go to college free. They cheer or the compete. They all go free though. Our dance kids that stay with it until they are seniors all get full scholarships too. Good scholarships. They get housing, classes, supplies, etc...plus enough to live on without working a day.

One time the parks and rec lady told me that each college has a budget. Each "sport" is designated $XXXXXXXX.xxx per year. They try really hard to find kids that they can justify giving that money to. If they have anyone apply and they have funds they give them as much as they can. When they don't get enough applicants to fill their allowed money that money goes back to the university and the next year they get less. So the ones they do give money too get the maximum amount they can give them...if they are even half way good.

She also told me that people who take tennis lessons and can play pretty good can almost always get full scholarships too. Everyone wants to get those football and basketball scholarships so those applications are rampant. But the other sports have just as much money to spend but often have to give it to the football department because no one applies.

SO talk to her about staying with gymnastics because she can get a scholarship to college, no matter what she decides to study, if she tumbles or flips on the beams for them she can get a full ride possibly.