Hanging Out with Friends

There is no reason an adult father of an 8 year old needs to hang out every weekend with friends. I don't know any who do. The fact that weekends are all he has with his son makes it even more ridiculous. Less weekends, real sitter. Be firm.

He's a father. He needs to take care of his son. If his friends don't have kids, I'm sure his son is bored out of his mind at these adult functions. He needs to lay off the partying and spend time with his child. If he doesn't want to spend time with him, then he needs to re-think his visitation. I can't imagine not wanting to spend every waking minute with my children and I have them 24/7. Sounds like your BF wants to party all the time and not take care of his child. Shame on him.

I think if you only get him for a weekend, you shouldn't WANT to be out with other friends. If it's making things worse for all of you, then stop doing it. Don't have him come over to your house for the weekend and send him over to a grandparents' house because you're more interested in your own life than his. He needs his father.

You sound like a woman with a good head on her shouldres. You know what needs to be done.

Children thrive on schedules. They like to know what is going to happen next. They do not have very much in their control, that is why a schedule comforts them.

Your boyfriend is the parent of a little boy. This is not a pet, this is a human bring that he needs to make his priority.

When we become parents, it is a life altering/changing event on every level. Your boyfriend needs to think about what is best for his son. He only sees his son for 48 hours a week. Is he making healthy emotional choices? If this boys mom kept her son out 3 nights a week, would he think that was good for his little boy?

I agree that parents need to have grown up time and son needs to know that parents cannot spend every moment with them, but most parents, become problem solvers. We know time with friends is fun, so we party with other families. We get together on weekend afternoons for cookouts. We have each over for dinner at our homes.. Why? So that the children can be children. They need to be able to run around, make some noise. Sitting in a dining room chair for 1 hour is fine every once in a while, but not natural for most children.

Your boyfriend is a father, and that responsibility comes first. He needs to grow up. There isn't anything *you* can do to make that happen and quite honestly, I don't think he deserves the effort that you're making trying to resolve this situation. I'm sorry for being judgemental here.

Ok, try this: Friday night is friend time and Saturday night is family time. End of story. If his friends have an issue, your boyfriend needs to stand up for what is best for his son (not being out late every Saturday night!) AND you. Good luck!

I think that if he is a weekend dad then maybe ya'll should try to work a hang out night during the week sometime. However, just because we a adults with responsibilities doesn't not mean we can't have friends and hang out anymore. So, why not on Friday nights have everyone come over to your house for dinner. Pot luck, everybody pitch in for pizza, or ladies got pick something up. That way little guy is at home and can be interacted with and still be kept on some kind of schedule. I have three girls and my husband and I will have friends over and get some pizza and the girls can comfortably entertain themselves in an environment that they are use to. Although the child should be priority kids do not ruin "hang out time".

Yes your BF is a grown up now and has to take care of his son, if its on the weekends then its on the weekends! He is the 1 that agreed to that arrangement instead of taking him every other weekend and then some time during the week when he doesn't have him that 1 weekend! Which btw most father's do so if they have something they have to get done on a weekend they can do it on the weekend they don't have their child. But it is time he grows up and learns he can't go out on the weekend because of his son. Maybe you can suggest to him of maybe having friends coming over for a bbq 1 Saturday afternoon, then maybe it won't go that late but both of you guys can still see your friends. Good Luck

I am seeing a huge issue with priorities here. Why not see friends for dinner/drinks during the week and devote weekends to time with his child? I have two kids of my own and would not, for a second, tolerate their father trying to take them out with us just to hang out with friends. I enjoy my sleep far too much, and my kids are truly my priority. Maybe it's time to take a look at what's truly important and how time is scheduled?

I think you, as a girlfriend (not the mother), have a right to still have a childless grown-up weekends. Dad needs to compromise for your happiness, his happiness, and most importantly the child's happiness. I can guarantee you that keeping the boy out till all hours of the night is not good for the child or you guys.

If you guys absolutely must see friends on the weekends at night start hosting dinners where everyone brings some food and drinks. This way the kid can be put to bed just before people arrive. That sounds, to me, like a very rational, logical, adult comprimise.

Good luck-

Bottom line: No decent parents get to do everything they want to all the time. Something has to be compromised, and if Mr. BF can't deal with this issue while he is your BF, then I hope you don't plan to make him a 'husband'.

With a child it is easier for your friends to adjust their schedule then it is to adjust yours. If that means you cant go out, then you cant go out. Thats a big part of being a parent and a thing you sacrafice to be a good parent. Its a very hard thing to keep those relationships with those who dont have kids when you do, because a lot of the time they just dont get the time resraints and how much stress it can put on the family. I would sugegst trying to find some friends that have kids as well, or possibly discussing getting a babysitter to come over after his son goes to bed. Hopefully if your friends you currently have are good ones then they shouldnt mind getting together earlier. Or plan a once a month get together where you get a babysitter for the night, then its not an every weekend thing (I dont know many parents who get to go out with their friends every weekend anyways) Hope this helps and best of luck ((HUGS))

If he only has his son every weekend, why doesn't he want to stay home and spend quality time with his son? His son comes first, not friends. Like another poster said, this is what happens when you have kids. Fun and friends take a backseat and being a good dad is top priority. Either get together with friends during the week, or have them come to your home on the weekends. You can't force him to realize this though. Maybe show him this question & let him read all the replies. Good luck.

Have the friends come to you house. If it is for dinner (dinner is not at 9 PM), make it pot-luck or help split the cost. Then when it is bed time, little man will have had his dinner and can go to bed and you can all have adult time.

If your BF only has his son on weekends, I wouldn't want to get a sitter if I were him either.

Maybe having a sitter come after he's in bed if you really must go out that late but that won't help your sleep issue either.

That's what happens when you have kids...they come first! It's time for everybody to grow up here and realize that when kids are involved, your life now, is ALL about kids. Very rarely do you get "friend" time. Sorry, just the way it is.

i think he needs to get of his high horse and spend some Quality time with his son. omg. he only gets him everyother weekend. he is still acting like he as a teenager. he needs to stop and think . it won't be long before the son will not want to come over because he has plans that won't include his dad. good luck and god bless. mom of 7, R.

talk to the friends and let them know 9 is too late. If you dont want to do that, is there any way they could come to your house instead, so you can put the kid to bed while they're still there? Or occasionally have a babysitter watch the kiddo?

As Kelly said, Kids come first! I think if you and your BF want to go out, you need to find a proper sitter for the child. I am sure he doesn't enjoy being taken out to hang with all the adults every weekend! What about finding a college student or young adult that can come over for the evening-- someone who will play games and do activities that he enjoys. If you BF doesn't like it, tell him to grow up- thats what happens when you have a child. You are not first anymore. Good luck and stick to your guns Girl!~

K.,
Sounds like you understand that having a child will require some sacrifice on things that you want to do. Especially if you only get the child on weekends, I can see NOT getting a baby sitter. Maybe you should set the example a couple of times and NOT go with your Boy Friend when he hangs with all of your pals. Get the child settled into bed at his regular time and maybe your boy friend will begin to see the benefit of keeping the child on his schedule. make the time on the weekend about spending time with the child and do child friendly activities, play games, read books, maybe see a movie, take a trip to the zoo, something the child would really enjoy. Although kids usually want to be around the adults that are close to them, they don't always enjoy the same activities that adults do. What memories do you and your boy friend want to create for his son? Strictly from what you posted, it sounds as if the child's memories of time with you will be nothing but hanging out and staying up too late while you and his dad "enjoyed adult time" with all of your friends. Since you don't have the child during the week, try to "enjoy adult time" then. Maybe getting together for dinner or whatever with your friends could happen on a weeknight, leaving the weekend for the child.

Good Luck!
T.
(mom of 3 boys who REALLY struggle when they are throw off schedule for a couple of days in a row)

When your BF's 8-year old is staying at your house, why don't you invite a couple of friends over to your house instead of the two or three of you going over to someone else's place? Your BF can put his son to bed when his son is tired and then rejoin the group afterward. As long as everyone is respectful of the fact that there is a sleeping child in the house and don't get too loud, then there shouldn't be any problem.

One thing that I guess I'm not understanding is that you are saying that you don't have a babysitter available and don't want to leave your BF's son with the grandparents because they let him stay up too late but then you go on and state that BF "gets mad at me if I suggest not taking the son so we can enjoy adult time." Does that mean that you are suggesting that you leave the son alone in the house while BF and you go out? If so, that's illegal and not an option. Maybe I'm just misunderstanding what you have written.

You are also correct that once you become a parent, your freedom is limited by your children's needs. Everyone needs a date night and entertainment every so often but your life is never quite the same as it was pre-kids. It's just the compromise you have to make sometimes.

I hope that you are able work out some kind of win-win situation that works for both you, your BF and his son.

Are you saying you go out every Friday and Saturday every weekend?
Just one or the other?
I read your other post about your boyfriend not wanting other children because he feels it might take attention away from his son, but in my opinion, (and it's just my opinion), taking the child out late to do adult things isn't really the best idea. If there are no other kids around while you are "hanging out", other than being the only kid to get attention, I don't see how it can be fun for the boy or for the adults.
Taking your child to a bbq or a gathering once in a while is fine, but every weekend?
Most parents realize that if their kids can't go, they can't go either....OR they make other arrangements.
Maybe what you can do to keep everybody happy is agree that you'll go out with your BF one night a weekend every other weekend and leave the child at home with a sitter. Surely you can find a reliable teenager or someone from your church to come stay with the boy, feed him dinner, watch a movie with him and put him to bed at his normal time. That way he gets the rest he needs, you and BF get your night out with your friends. Then the next weekend is family time and the boy having his usual dinner and bedtime schedule which will make him easier to deal with because he won't be overtired.
My daughter was an only child until she was almost 10 and we didn't take her to evening social gatherings or business cocktail functions. They just weren't a place for a child. Now, on holidays and things where we stayed with family or vice versa and there were lots of kids around, it was different.
There's nothing wrong with having your child out late once in a while, but if you already know the pattern of what will happen, there are ways to try to avoid it so that everyone can be happy to an extent.
Having a child doesn't mean you can't ever go anywhere ever again, but it also doesn't mean you have to take your child everywhere with you either.
Especially every weekend. No wonder the child gets tired.
It's fun for you adults to hang out, but from an 8 year old perspective, it might not be all that fun.
Alternate weekends and find a sitter. I think everyone would be happier that way.

I look forward to seeing your other responses.
Best wishes.

It is a little odd that your BF has his son every single weekend. All the divorced parents I know, the noncustodial parent gets the child every other weekend. Your BF needs to grow up and put his son's needs ahead of his own. The child does not want to be dragged out to go to boring grown up events. Instead he needs quality time and fun activites with his dad as well as the right amount of sleep.

So why do you have to get up when the child gets up? He isn't your child. BF should be getting up with him and they should have things planned for their time together. Very little of it needs to or should involve you.

Sounds like you need a new boyfriend. Who's the boy and who's the man?

First of all he shouldn't be getting mad b/c it is HIS child. Most dads get their sons every OTHER weekend, can't he work this out with the mother or does he want to have his son every weekend? If he chose this schedule than he needs to spend time AT HOME with his son. It is not fair to the child to drag him along and it is not fair to you or your friends either. Some friends have their children go to their dad's every other Weds and every other weekend so that the dad see the children every week but not every weekend. Your BF might consider rearranging the schedule with the mother so that he has more time to be alone with you on weekends. I hardly think it is fair that the mom should have every weekend to herself. Maybe you should try to find a sitter to come to your house if it is going to be an every weekend thing but honestly, that child is only there on weekends and the dad needs to spend that time with him...unless you go out after he goes to bed. Why do you need to go out with your friends so much anyway? Fri and Sat seems a bit much. Can you have your friends over to your home sometimes? Either come after dinner time and just hang out or have everyone bring a dish to share. Or why do your friends not want to get out until 9pm? If that is the time they get out, then you need to eat dinner first and just meet them later, not wait that long to eat. That poor little boy should not be drug around and he surely should not be leaving the house at bedtime and then falling asleep in the car. You are the girlfriend, not the mom, so you should not be responsible for this but it is nice that you are asking and caring. you said only grandparents let him stay way too late....not sure what that means. Do you have to pick him up after you go out? Maybe he could spend the night at his grandparents? Maybe they could come stay at your place until you get home so he can sleep in his bed? Personally I think it is time dad grows up and stays home when his son is there. Not what you want to hear but the responsible thing to do for that little boy. He probably wants time alone with his dad and not hanging with friends that are too old for him to be hanging out with.

if you only have the child every weekend you need to be spending it with him not out running around. if he was with you all the time and you wanted a night out i would say hire a baby sitter but as the parents you have a responsibility time to grow up and act like parents