My daughters behavior has been insane at home for the past two weeks. Anytime I have tried talking to her, it would usually end up in an agruement. We do butt heands from time to time. Im thinking shes getting to the age (7) of trying to be pretty independent and not wanting to follow all of my directions and testing me. Lately it has just been so bad, between her behavior with me, and picking on her brother non-stop I was almost to the point of wanting to take the kid to conselling.
I could write a book trying to explain my daughter, but in general she is an amazing child with a great heart who loves her friends, family and school. She has an old soul and seems to me she is wise beyond her years. At times I know she is capable of doing way more than she feels like doing. Im not trying to be one of those moms who say my kid is perfect and can do no wrong, but I have ###-###-####% faith that she is not a liar. She has never had one disiplinary occurance at school the 3 years she has been going and is advanced in most areas. She LOVES school, and lately I have been catching her saying how she doesnt want to go and no longer likes school....
Her and I are very close, so her behavior has had me stumped.
Yesterday, she got home from school and just went straight to her room to play by herself. I thought to myself "Great, she doesnt even want to talk to me anymore!"
I walked to her room after awhile opened her door and just looked at her and smiled and stood there for a minute. She walked to me and had a complete meltdown.
Apparently her "best friend" the one we live right next to, Im friends with her mom, they ride the bus together, have the same class and sit next to each other all day in school, is verbally and physically abusing my daughter.
I have been aware of some issues going on like her friend getting angry and upset with her whenever she talks to or plays with other kids. She told my daughter she is not allowed to have other friends and will not be her friend anyone if she talks to other kids.
The conclusion of that was, lets call her "Jane" saying my daughters other friend was being the mean one and didnt want them to play together. I thought that was worked out though when I talked to my daughter and told her they should all play together and no one should leave Jane out or be mean to her. My daughter insisted no one was mean to Jane and she flipped out about her playing with someone else. No big deal right? Sounds pretty petty, they will get over it.
Um no, that is not the case at all. Jane threatens my daughter daily, that if you dont do what I want you to do, I will tell your mom you did this. A lie.
My daughter told me that Jane elbows her in the ribs every single day to the point of almost tears if she says something she doesnt like.
Jane has also stabbed her with a pencil on more than one occasion.
I could go on and on about this childs abusive behavior towards my kid, but I think you get the idea. Shes a bully. She is making my daughters life miserable.
I went through all the general basics with my daughter on how to deal with this situation.
I had what seemed like a very productive conversation about the whole thing with Janes mom, she was very understanding that we both need to work together to get a resolution. It was my idea to have the girls moved from sitting by each other in class, as my daughter shouldnt be sitting there getting abused all day and it is effecting her school work.
I talked to the teacher, didnt give him too many details, broke it down and asked him to move the girls and he has agreed to do so.
I hate to talk about a child this way, but she is very coniving and threatening. I am hoping this situation is resolved, but on the other hand still very worried that a child that would go to this extent will change over night.
My daughter was SCARED to talk to me about this. Looking back these are all classic signs of being bullied.
Please dont mistake this as me being overprotective. My daughter has come home with plenty of rude kid stories and I have told her to ignore and move it. Thats life. But this is beyond normal.
If you have read this far thank you, and any advice or experience is greatly appreciated. Will this get better. I am very anxious for her to get home today.
PS. Havent proof read this yet so bare with me.
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Ahhh...yes its so hard to believe all this starts so young.
I highly recommend getting the book "Little Girls Can Be Mean" This books give scenarios and the steps to help.
I think you've done what you need to. The other thing you need to tell your daughter is that you are not going to believe anything Jane tells you. That you would obviously trust your daughter first. That needs to be something Jane cannot hold over your daughter's head anymore. And I would discourage your daughter from playing with Jane regularly right now. It sounds like she needs to develop other friendships so that she can get back her self confidence.
You're on the right track, Mama! Good luck!
My best advice is to NOT let your friendship with this mom get in the way of doing what you need to do. Even a little bit. Be ready to lose the friendship over this if that is what it comes to. Your daughter needs you 100% on her side.
If she comes home today with any story of bullying you take her by the hand and march right up to your neighbor's door and ask to speak to the girl. Get this all out in the open and do not spare this child because she is little-come down hard on her if you need to. If it were me I would scare that kid so bad that she would not dare harass my child again. I am not kidding.
I made the mistake of worrying more about losing a friendship than my DD being mistreated by that person's kids. BIG mistake. Trust your gut. This is probably not going to get any better any time soon and is affecting your child negatively. Time to cut it off. Most likely the mom will be pissed, but so what? Who's more important? Your child or this neighbor? Please don't make the same mistake I did & wait.
I agree so much with the posts already saying that your daughter needs distance from this child and you need to chill this "friendship" out of existence for now. You have a good first step of separating their desks in class but do follow through with the teacher -- it would be too easy for the teacher to truly mean to do it but think "I'll put it off until they switch seats anyway at the end of the quarter" when many classes shift seating, etc. I'd contact him on the next school day and ask if it's been done. If there is even a day's delay I would go in and see him in person and relate that this child is PHYSICALLY harming your child and you need them physically separated by the next morning.
Does the bus use student patrols on board? I would not expect a driver to handle discipline issues, but if you cannot get your daughter to school any way other than the bus, I would talk to her about sitting with another friend; talk to that friend's mom; stand at the bus stop with daughter and new friend and ensure they get on together, etc. And then if there is a student patrol on the bus each day, you may need to alert the teacher who runs the patrol program that there is a physical bullying issue between these girls and the patrol may need to watch them. But if you can get your daughter into a carpool with other kids that would be great. She would make friends and be away from this girl. (I would not, though, let your daughter know that the carpool idea is "to get you away from Friend".)
Have you talked and even role-played with your daughter about how to stand up to someone, even a "friend," who is doing or saying things she does not like? Does your daughter try saying "STOP elbowing me in the ribs, it hurts and I DO NOT LIKE IT" when the girl does it? Can you practice this with her and especially practice letting her raise her voice -- it IS all right to raise your voice, it IS all right to say to a friend the word STOP but too many "nice kids" just don't want to do it out of fear of hurting their "friend" or getting themselves or friend into trouble. She may need some roleplaying and maybe even a private talk with the school counselor about being assertive.
Does the school have regular counseling sessions IN the classrooms? Where the counselor visits each class and does a lesson on a subject such as bullying? That should be a regular part of the counselor's job! See the counselor without your daughter and ask if he or she can work with the class teacher to have a counseling lesson for your child's class with a focus on how to handle a bully, what friendship really is and is not, and why it's OK to make your voice heard in your own defense. This kind of lesson happens regularly in our school.
Be aware -- this girl may take all this out on your child and go out of her way to bully her. The girl will surely figure out that your child's mom knows what's been going on and is the cause of her being separated from her best friend/scapegoat. She may seek your child out at recess, so keep communication open with your child about what goes on at recess each day.
And help your daughter build other friendships immediately. Start inviting other classmates over for play dates whenever you can or meeting the at the park. Is she in Girl Scouts? That often builds up girls' confidence and she should meet some new friends there. Encourage an extracurricular activity that your daughter likes so she has friends who are not part of school yet who share her interests.
Just because a person lives near you -- that does not mean the person should be a friend. I feel sorry for this girl who obviously has issues that cry out for help, but she is hurting your child physically. Last straw, mom!
My daughter had the same problem in first grade. There was a bully in class and she and my daughter were "best friends." It was okay when the bully was bullying other kids, but sometimes she'd turn her hatred on my daughter. Once my daughter even tried to run away from school!
The teacher was aware and kept tabs on the situation. She moved the bully away from all the other kids.
We instructed my daughter to keep her distance. We also taught her how to ignore being teased. We did this by having her ignore us while we teased her. We started light and in the spirit of "fun." The object of the game was for my daughter to play with some toys and ignore us. We started by saying things like "hey silly girl, you're so silly." Then we got tougher as she got better at the game. By the end, we could make fun of her hair or call her "stupid" and she wasn't even fazed. She LIKED playing this game and usually we'd all end up laughing. We did let her turn around and play the game on us, just to make it fair. My favorite was when she told me I looked like librarian as if that was the "ultimate insult." We still laugh about that today.
The funny thing was, the more my daughter played this gamed (and it has to be done in the spirit of a game) the more confident she got. Within a week or two, we no longer heard anything about our "Jane" or the bullying. She said that Jane had said a few things to her, which she ignored, and that now Jane never talked to her anymore.
Sometimes I think when we teach kids how to handle situations, they actually never have to use it. Like the kid who gets beat up and he takes Karate. Usually he never has to use it! It's like bullies can recognize when someone is a victim, and being able to handle a situation means you're no longer a victim.
I wish your daughter good luck. Fortunately we moved after first grade so my daughter never had to deal with Jane again, but she has encountered bullies after that. We're trying to teach her a combination of avoidance and confrontation.
Don't try to move your daughter to a new class - that lets the bully win, and it puts all the adjustment on your daughter. Rearrange the seating, yes.
DO insist with the bus driver that they not sit together. Get the principal or the bus coordinator in on this. Teach your daughter to speak up if she is elbowed or poked with a pencil, immediately, by saying "Ouch! What did you do that for?" or "Ouch, stop poking me!" Then she needs to report it.
Assure your daughter that you will believe her. Next time Jane says "I'll tell your mother" your daughter should say, "Great. Let's go talk to her right now." And Jane will back down.
I'm sure you've told your daughter that good friends or best friends do not manipulate others. Your daughter should continue to play with the other girls, and Jane can participate only if she's not being mean or abusive. Your daughter should be taught that Jane's bullying comes from a position of weakness and not of strength, and that your daughter can therefore be the strong one and stand up for herself.
I wouldn't get the other mother involved again unless you see that she is willing to acknowledge some fault on her daughter's part. I'd just say "kids drift apart" and say you do not want either mother to force the friendship on anyone.
Your daughter can learn that these are skills she will need in future situations, so it's good to practice them now. She has every right to not want to be friends with someone, and certainly not someone who threatens her with isolation or tattling.
can she tell jane she no longer wants to be friends and can you have her seat moved on the bus? if she has ;little contact with her maybe that will resolve the issue. i not jane's mom needs to be talked to again
This is terrible. Is it at all possible to move your daughter to a new class if this doesn't get resolved?
