Hi everyone,
I will try to make this short. A woman I work with, whom I've met for coffee and lunch a couple times, suggested a "double date" with a new guy she's been seeing and my husband. We met for drinks and dinner, and I noticed my hubby was a bit quiet at times, but joining in the conversation with her boyfriend and the rest of us. He seemed to genuinely like him. I however was not so sure of the chemistry between the new guy and my friend (I'll call her Ginger).
So the next night Ginger texts me and asks if I liked her new guy. I reply, "Yes, we both did." She asks, "Who, you and _____? (My husband)" I say "No. Me and my split personality silly. Of course me and _____." So she sends me a text saying "I don't think your husband likes me very much." I say that's a weird thing to say and ask her why. She doesn't respond.
At this point I ask my husband, did you and Ginger have a political disagreement or something. He said no, but he felt that she was attempting to make inappropriate eye contact all evening...like staring into his eyes, etc. He said "I don't think it was blatantly hitting on me but she was definitely looking for approval, or to see if I'm interested. So I let her know in no uncertain terms that I am not." He also said when he went to the bathroom she got up and followed, but I am not the jealous type and didn't even notice.
Has this ever happened to you? How did you handle it? I was a little bummed because I liked her, and we all had fun together...but my hubby's a smart guy, and if he was uncomfortable, well, that's that. I should add that he doesn't run around saying stuff like this. This is the first time this has ever happened. How would you handle this?
Hi guys, thanks for all of the responses...a bit of background:
1. She told me once at work that when she was younger she actually had betrayed one of her female friends...called/texted this woman's husband, and that they'd even "hung out." What that means, I don't know. Or care.
2. She was complaining that her boyfriend didn't "have swagger" but that my husband did. Lol!
3. The thing about the bathroom: my husband said that when he came out and she was going in (it was like a little hallway between the restaurant and the restrooms), he had that feeling of her trying to make eye contact again. He said it just felt weird.
4. He is an extremely good judge of character...which sometimes makes me mad because he's ususally right.
In spite of all that, I don't hate her but it was a weird vibe anyway. She was very antagonistic with her date, who seemed like a nice guy. She's younger than we are, by about ten years, so maybe that's why. I don't think she was actively hitting on my husband, but she does really need to seek approval from men. So, no more double dates. BTW my husband said "Maybe if her boyfriend gets a new girlfriend we can all go out." LOL!!!!
L@@k into my eyes............. l@@k deeply... you are getting very very sleepy.... maybe she is a hypnotist.. :)
I would keep my relationship with her only as a professional co-worker. No more friendly outings with her anymore of any kind - lunch, coffee, dinner, etc... If it made your husband that uncomfortable, why would you want to be friends with her? You can still be civil and friendly to her at the office, but it should stop there. If she asks you again to go out - be busy. Trust your husband's instincts. He sounds like a really good guy.
Isn't it awesome that our guys can read, decode, deflect, and not make a federal case out of it? :)
Good for you, good for your guy. Keep this gal at a distance when it comes to your personal life. Be friendly and professional with her, but no more double dates. You don't even have to tell her why, really. If she presses, just tell her that double dates really aren't your husband's thing and leave it at that. Either she'll figure it out or not, on her own. No further discussion.
You have a good husband. Trust his intuition and move on. I agree with "Mommyloveskids".
yes it did and I followed the girl to the bathroom and confronted her! ;)
We were in his little tiny speck of a hometown at the local (only) watering hole. There were all sorts of people I didn't know. Some relatives, some old school buddies. Who can tell the differance in an inbred place like that. Well this one older lady sat with us. Gushed over him. Made wierd eye contact. Asked him to dance and got a bit too close. I took it all in stride knowing he was loving tha attention. He wouldn't do anything to stop it, but he would never follow through with anything either. So, he went to the restroom, she excuse herself to get up and follow, so, I followed right in behind. When she and I got into the restroom i told her play time was over. She was clearly being disrepectful to me and to herself and to back the hell off. I didn't mind her dancing and flirting and catching up for a little while, but it was time she ran along and played with somebody elses man so I could spend some one on one time with my own. She got a little mouthy, but she didn't bother us again all night. He and I got our jr high spotlight dance on all night and forgot all about that tramp. I think he really respected the fact that I stood up for myself and out her inher place. That's sooooo not like me.
Yes, my husband and I used to be friends with a married couple, and I noticed the wife could be kind of flirtatious with other women's boyfriends and husbands. Including mine. It didn't really bother me until one night when we were all at a restaurant and I caught her really making eyes at my husband. I mean it was unmistakable. And then she caught MY eye and I swear she gave me this look like, "Yeah, I'm making eyes at him, what are you gonna do about it?"
We are no longer friends with them.
Puhleez with the "I don't think your husband likes me" What is this Jr High? What were you supposed to say, "OH, YES HE DOES YES HE DOES".
Tramp.
Yes it's happened to me. I always horn right in and make sure the girl is talking to me, not him (don't you love the girls who sort of ignore you and only talk to your husband?), and THEN we steer clear after that. I've never had to actually get tough with anyone, but I don't let it slide either.
As for my REAL friends? Any girl even half way "looking at anyone's man too long" would be soooooo permanently out of the group. And we've all been tight for 20 years. Good women don't do that. Lose her. Don't even speak to her anymore. She's a bad egg. If she's a co-worker, be polite if you must at work, but no more out of work activities and NO MORE stuff with husband. Don't talk about your husband anymore either in front of her. And good work on his part, for not feeding her stupid flirting.
btw, the "looking too long" thing is soooooooo elementary and lame. I NEVER look too long at guys, and I pick up on it RIGHT AWAY if they do it to me. All the good husbands I know NEVER DO IT. Your husband's radar was NOT wrong about her. It IS inappropriate.
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your husband handled it perfectly. she got the hint.
now you know she is not a friend. even if she were to deny it or say that is just how she is, a real woman knows not to mess around with her friend's man. no exceptions.
LOL, Richmond is a small big city, and it's happened [eye roll]...
I know my husband is 100% faithful to ME, so I laugh at the silly women who think he'll stray. He shuts them down and hangs on to me a little tighter, that's all, then we laugh about it at home.
Really, there's nothing more pitiful than watching a woman go after your husband who let's it be known that *I* am, and always will be, his one and only...
;)
Am I missing something, was part of the post deleted? I don't see where she hit on your husband but only that he perceived it as such.
Never had anyone hit on either of my husbands but I have been accused of hitting on husbands when I definitely did not! I would like to say it ruined a good friendship but I can't call anyone a good friend who accused me of something so out of character.
Yes and No. It was a guy that made ME uncomfortable.
There is a guy that played on his softball team. He was creepy, but all they guys thought he was "the nicest guy". But, yeah, dude had a staring problem. One of my friends noticed at a game. She even said, "You know he watched you all the way to the bathroom?" Skin crawling. I wasn't the only one, soon this guy got the name "Creepy Dave" among the wives. I told my husband about it, and he was honestly shocked. He had no clue. Luckily the guy didn't play with them very often and it was always in group. But I did tell my husband I didn't want him at our house.
Some people are just like that I think, natural flirts. If you have a good time with the friend, then from now on exclude the boys. I wouldn't have been happy spending too much time with Creepy Dave, I doubt your husband would be happy spending time with her.
I would listen to what hubby had to say and flow with the preventative measures. I would kick it with her on working hours only. The bathroom statement would have me wondering what that was all about as well.
Maybe your husband got the wrong impression that she was interested in him when she was actually just trying to be friendly. She was probably hoping that her guy and yours would become friends and maybe seemed a little overeager. She also already knows and is friends with you so she probably felt like she needed to put forth a little more effort toward befriending your husband than she would otherwise do with a stranger. If your husband is uncomfortable, you can either nix the friendship or try again and observe things for yourself. What would I do? I would try again because I trust that my husband would not be interested in having an affair but I do not think he is the best at reading social cues.
Could it be that she is wanting your hubs approval because she really likes you both and wants to continue to hang out?? Maybe she didn't mean to make anyone feel awkward at all, just trying to be liked?? This stinks, cause it's hard enough to find couple friends that you BOTH like! Hope you are able to work things out and continue to be friends, but it sounds like maybe that ship has passed. :(
I guess I am on the other end of this... I am the type that if a person is talking or I am talking specifically to that person (male or female) I am usually straing them straight in the eyes AND some feel uncofmrtable by that and usually look away. Why I do this because it helps me focus on what and who I am talking to, I struggle with ADD so this helps. I can be a little flirty (my personality but I have turned it down to a 1 or 2 from a 10 since I started dating my hubby) BUT it has turned more of being super nice, friendly & understanding then flirty (to guys this may seem flirty even if we are not flirting because we/gals are paying attention to them).
My hubby is not a huge fan of "double dates" mainly because he is not big into try to make new friends. Sure we go out with friends but never a double date type thing because it would be too uncomfrotable if we had not ALL been friends for a while (like his best friend & significant other).
If hubby says he is uncomfortable then I would not go out on a double date with them again, maybe do more of a group thing or if it is just you 4 something that is less intimate setting like bowling, go karting or something else you all would enjoy. I would not really say anything to her about your hubby being uncomfortable around her unless she keeps pushing for an answer.
If she didn't think that your hubby liked her, she may have been looking for approval. Your hubby may have taken her trying to make sure she liked him ( for who she is) and was trying to get his approval ( as a person) in the wrong way. Who knows maybe going to the bathroom at the same time was just that... going to the bathroom at the same time.
Now if she starting calling or texting him then yes I would say she is trying to get your hubby. But if this is the first time they have met and she really likes you as a friend and your friendship she might have just been trying to hard to win him over so you can remain friends.
Yes I have had this same situation happen years ago and more than one time. My answer to you is "stay away" from those kinds of women who you can't trust as far as you can throw them. It is better you find out now before your friendship with her became even closer. No reason to make your husband feel uncomfortable around your friends. Friends do not make passes, flirty eyes, need approval or anything else by someone else's MAN.
Updated
Yes I have had this same situation happen years ago and more than one time. My answer to you is "stay away" from those kinds of women who you can't trust as far as you can throw them. It is better you find out now before your friendship with her became even closer. No reason to make your husband feel uncomfortable around your friends. Friends do not make passes, flirty eyes, need approval or anything else by someone else's MAN.
No more dates with that one!
I love your husband (not in a come-on kind of way, lol)----it's awesome that he is so respectful of your relationship.
I have a weird story. My mom and bio-dad divorced when I was 18 months old and I didn't meet him until I was 19 (and have only seen his twice after that, though we do emails here and there). I met his mom and 2 of his sisters when I was about 27 or 28, for the first time ever. My mom said when they were young, she kinda got an impression that my oldest aunt (I'll call her "Sally") was like a "fancy prostitute" she called it (someone that dated businessmen only). She used those words trying to describe her impression of my aunt from back when they were real young, before I was born. I thought that was kind of stupid, mom couldn't even give a good reason for why she felt that way, so I blew it off and did NOT tell ANYONE what mom said. I didn't want something that big to tarnish her reputation, especially if we hit it off. Besides, even if it were true, so what? It was 30 years before, and who doesn't have a past of some kind?
Well, when my husband and I were just dating, another one of my aunts (call her "Sue" called and said that she was coming to town to bring the children to see a museum, and "Sally" would be there too. I thought it'd be neat to meet up and let them meet my boyfriend, and us all have dinner. We were members of all the local museums anyway. But then I started noticing that Jeremy was acting weird. He kept walking away, and "Sally" would follow after him, but I was so interested in my amazing 5 year old cousin, I didn't bother to chase after them. Jeremy was staying with my 10 year old cousin trying to have "guy time", but Sally would follow him around. She tried to pay for our lunch and Jeremy had a strange, kind of harsh tone when he insisted on paying for our own lunches. I thought that was a little odd, but not enough to care....I thought he was just getting tired. We had a nice visit, and then went home.
Later that night over dinner, Jeremy said "So A.......your aunts. Sue seems like a real straight arrow, just like your mom." And I agreed, and said I liked her a lot. Then Jer said "And Sally? What did you say she does for a living?" And I said, "Well.....I didn't say anything. Not sure what she does. Sales and marketing maybe? I don't know. But she's very friendly and outgoing". Jeremy put his fork down and said "A., I think she's a prostitute". LOL! I asked why several times, but he flat refused to tell me. He said "Don't worry about it. Just a weird feeling. I kept trying to get away and keep your little cousin with me". But when I asked what she said or did, he just shrugged and wouldn't say anything. I just had to laugh....because I have a weird sense of humor.
I never did find out what happened, but she evidently came on to him somehow. He has never said anything like that before or after. As a matter of fact, some strangers have TOTALLY flirted with him, and he was totally oblivious. So if he felt weird, something was said, but I figured nothing happened, so I dropped the subject and it never came up again. We actually never saw her again...just geography reasons.
Good for your husband! Obviously he loves his wife! I would just let it be. If she invites you and hubby out again, leave it to hubby to decide if he wants to go and if not, decline the invitation. You obviously don't have anything to worry about where hubby is concerned, so who cares what she thinks/wants/does. She's no threat to you so feel compassion for her - she's obviously lonely and craving male attention.
Sounds like a friend I would drop. Your hubby is awesome, that is exactly how my husband would have acted in the same scenario.
S.,
If you want to have coffee or lunch with her by yourself that is fine. If your husband feels uncomfortable do not invite her in your home. You don't need to say anything to her about it.
Happy Holidays.
N. Marie
Good for your husband to respond in a way; even if she truly was not trying to hit on him! Good for your husband to take it as a little offensive instead of as a compliment! I am reading some here, sayint they did not see "where she actually made advances" at him; but the bottom line is, if it made him uncomfortable, then it was not right. Just like our kiddos. If the situation makes that little bell go off or the pit of the stomach to flip; then that person should not be made to be around that person/family memebr again.... So who cares if she was truly coming on to him or if she was not; that friendship needs to stay at work and as occassional coffee between the two of you. I guess I would not go out with her again, with your husband; but the occassional office stuff/coffee can continue between you and her with no harm done. I guess my response to her would be "well not everyone in life hits it off". "Just a personality indifference I guess". I do not espect Mark to like everyone I am a quaintances with; but I really do like your new guy and feels he truly likes you." I would then move on with another conversation, after thanking them for their company at dinner.
