Have You Ever Asked Your Mom to Stay at a Hotel?

My parents and in-laws always insist on staying in a hotel. We even have a guest bedroom. I think you're mom was being nasty, altough I would suck it up and call.

I don't think you should feel bad. I think you were right about saying she would be more comfortable there. To me it sounds like it. I know I am more comfortable staying at a hotel when I travel. When we visit family, we always stay at a hotel, never their house. My mom will be visiting my sister soon and she is staying at a hotel - not the house.

So... let me get this straight. Your mom came as a guest in your home and refused to sit at your table or on your chairs the entire time? That is unbelievably rude! I don't care how many animals you have, that's just very bad bahavior. Then, as a host should, you tried to make her comfortable by suggesting an alternative arrangement (the hotel), and she's acting like you're the bad guy here?

Geez.

Yeah, you know, there's nothing wrong with staying in a hotel. Shoot, if space were cramped, I'd actually prefer it! You go in the morning to spend the day then you crash at night in your very own space! What's the big deal?

Honestly, I think your mom has some serious control issues. I don't think this is about furniture, animals, hotels, or any of that. For her, I think it's about controlling and manipulating you.

Bottom line: You're not in the wrong over this. She's CHOOSING to get butt-hurt over some pretty innocuous stuff. Heck, I'd be inclined to say, "Look, you can either stay here and act like the well-behaved guest you know you raised me to be by sucking it up and dealing with the animals, you can have some privacy and space in an hotel, or you can just not come. What you can't do is treat my family like we're not worthy of your time and space. It's rude. It's hurtful. And I won't put up with it."

Sure, call her. You did nothing wrong. She over reacted. Yes, ideally, you would be able to have animal-dander-free space for her to sleep. But you can't get rid of the animals or the kids, and for her to expect you to isn't realistic.. It is what it is.

Tell her you love her and look forward to her visits, and that she is always welcome to your couch, but she would probably be more comfortable if she stayed in a hotel. Then stop arguing with her. Don't defend yourself. Listen to what she has to say politely, but don't let her yell. Then if she decides not to come, that is her decision and not your fault.

Don't feel guilty about this. Good luck.

Wow, this is a tough one!

I can see your reasoning...however, I also understand your mom being offended. She may hate your pets and she may not like sleeping in a bunk, but it apparently was not bad enough for her to choose to stay at a hotel. SHE felt at least good enough about the situation that SHE chose to put herself into it again.

I would not have mentioned anything about a hotel at all -- instead, it may have been more tactful to allow her to come, but secretly hope that, for her own sake, she will decide to either visit less often, or for shorter periods of time, or stay at a hotel.

Well, now that you have said it, you are not talking. This is not worth compromising your relationship with your mother. Since your mom is "old folk," meaning that many older folk are resistant to changing their opinion on things -- I would not wait for her to call you, since she either will not, or if she does, she will still be bitter.

I would take the high road here and call back to apologize for offending her. You were not wrong in making the hotel suggestion, but since you offended her, and preserving the integrity of your relationship is most important, it is worth your time to say that you are sorry.

Sheesh! I'm just sitting here trying to imagine what in the world could prompt me to tell my own son he's "the worst son, ever". Babyraping, maybe. Serial killer, perhaps. Arranging with me for hotel accomidations for my visit? Not even on the same continent as the list, much less on the list itself. Some things are just unexcusedly hurtful.... or just maliciously manipulative. Worst daughter ever, indeed.

Our family is spread out all over. We stay with family, or we get a hotel, depending on space and personal inclination. Some family piles in seamlessly. Others, we need space from & vice versa.

I'm soooooo sorry your mother said something so very hurtful to you. Esp for merely trying to come up with an arrangement that would serve everyone's happiness best. Heaven forbid.

ROFL...DID you by any chance mention the dogs and cats on the beds? If not, whip that card out post haste.

Unless you said it meanly or rudely, I don't think you're the worst daughter ever. You're obviously crowded and your mom obviously has issues with your home, so it's a reasonable suggestion. I've suggested this to both my parents on different occasions because they both made it very clear that my housekeeping was not up to their standards. For her to get angry with you for seeing to her comfort is ridiculous and petty.

I would call her to see what her intentions are. Be upbeat and cheerful. If she chooses not to visit because YOU tried to make HER more comfortable, well, that's her loss.

Hang tough, sister.

Yes you need to call her, she's your mother. Just tell her you are sorry you hurt her feelings but you were looking out for her comfort level. Now is your mother in a position to afford a hotel, maybe you could pay half or all?

My parents have stayed in a hotel when we lived 6 hours from each other, we now live a mile away. I never asked them to. The kids always liked it because they could go swimming and it wasn't their house...

She's your mom, you need to talk to each other. work it out and enjoy each other because one day she won't be around...

No, I would not ask my mother to stay in a hotel.
You may not be "the worst daughter ever", but you sound like a terrible hostess.
I just don't understand people who will not take a human's feelings/level of comfort into consideration when it comes to animals. She probably doesn't want your animals fur all over her and with four pets I bet there's tons of fur in your house and that is why she doesn't want to sit on the furniture or eat where your pets have been. Funny thing is you want her to SLEEP on a sofa she doesn't even want to sit on! What kind on sense does that make? Have you ever considered boarding your pets and cleaning your furniture while your mom is visiting? (You should clean your furniture anyway.)
You could board your cats and dogs or even ask a friend to keep them or just the cats and put your dogs out back. Despite their age difference you could bunk your sons together just while their grandma visits. She really shouldn't have to sleep on the sofa. That is just not the way to treat a guest, especially one who gave birth to you. She doesn't want to wake up in a hotel, she wants to wake up in the home of her family whom she loves and misses, HENCE HER VISIT. You and hubby or the son that has his own room could bear to sleep on the sofa just while she's there. All these things are minute, your mom won't be around forever so pick your battles wisely instead of putting up a big fight over nothing and thinking she's the crazy one. I hope you have called her and apologized for being so inconsiderate and have found a way to make her comfortable. You only get one mother.

Wow, are you my sister? that totally sounds like my mom, lol. I only have a cat but my mom is scared of cats.
You may as well call her and get it over with. tell her "Mommy, I brought up the hotel thing because you just seemed so uncomfortable with the animals and stuff, you know I would rather you stay with me at my home but I just want you to know that I would totally understand and it would not hurt my feelings if you would feel better staying at a motel rather than my place.."
As for you, if Mom wants to be all weird and not sit on the furniture or whatever while there that's her prerogative, dont let it bother you.... she has options and should be free to apply them.
3 weeks has passed and if your mom is like my mom she feels its YOU that should do the calling to fix this. Trust me, she's waiting for your call, lol.
Have a glass of wine and then call her up.

Yuck!!
That is a touchy one but you explained why. If I were you I would jus cram her in! If she wants to stand then so be it! I don't like animals either and when im at my uncles and their cat tries to eat off my plate (they are allowed to be on the tables, ect) I get up and move elsewhere. Its not my cup or tea but I wouldn't keep it from me vistiting. Call your mom and work it out. Life too short. Good luck honey

When my mom comes she gets my room and my bed. She gave me life, and raised me, the least I can do it give her my bed when she comes to visit. IMO people do not show thier parents the respect they deserve anymore.

Um you are totally in the right! You have the right to not have an overbearing mom in your house walking around disgusted at your furnishings! She stands up to eat?! Are you freaking kidding me?! You're crazy for not insisting sooner lol, you maybe should point out again how uncomfortable she is and how uncomfortable that makes everyone else... you shouldn't have to be anything but comfortable in your own house and it sounds like that is not possible when she is around.. again, why is she visiting if she finds your living conditions so abhorrent? Please stand your ground and let her know you are not being disrespectful, you're just being completely honest.

I have a little different take on this. I don't know how often you vacuum but 4 animals that are shedding can be a problem. That might be why she didn't sit on the furniture. She kept getting fur on her clothes. A couple of times in the beginning we have put Bella in the kennel for a few days. Especially after my mom got sick and let the dog out of the house. We mainly did that to protect the dog!!!! We keep the dog at the house now and my dad just grins and bears it. Bella will jump in his lap and he will pet her but he still isn't totally in love with her! Sometimes he will whisper to her "you're a dog"!

I have never asked my parents to stay in a hotel nor would I. We are family and we make adjustments.

Wow. I'm not really surprised your mom was angry if you explained things to her the way you explained them to us. You were overly practical, but not very caring or gentle. I think she over-reacted by calling you the worst daughter ever but she has a right to be upset.

I would call her. "Mom, I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings. My intentions in suggesting that you stay at a hotel were really for your comfort when it comes to bed time. I realize that it came off as if I wouldn't appreciate having you here and that it would seem like a bother, but that's not true. I'm so sorry that it came out that way. I'm concerned about the space for sleeping, but I'm sure we can come up with something. I hope you still plan on coming to visit next week. Should I make up a bed?"

EDIT: I just want to add that essentially what I'm saying is that while I agree with you at heart, your mom isn't entirely wrong to be upset with what you said. This is a matter of "It's not what you said but how you said it." So many people have lost the ability to recognize that when you speak to family you have to use tact and sensitivity... yes, even your own mother. And yes, even when your mother behaved poorly. But that was behavior that should have been addressed at the time. When your mother stood during dinner rather than eat at the table, it should have been handled right then. If she had issues with sleeping arrangements that's when you offer to put her up at a hotel down the street so that she's more comfortable. If she complains about pet fur on the furniture, pull out the vacuum and let her clean for you. But address these things at the time that they're an issue rather than holding on to them until it's time to plan her next visit when you're likely to offend her because you've built up lots of anger and resentment.

My Mom prefers staying at a hotel and when we visit her we stay at a hotel, too.
Everyone has their own space that way for when ever we need a bit of quiet, we like the hotel's pool and there's no arguing over what to watch on tv while settling down for the evening.
It's not a big deal and everyone's happy.
Sometimes we're about as happy as we make up our minds to be and I'm guessing your Mom is choosing to be unhappy.

Sounds like your mom has issues. That doesn't mean you're wrong. You can't control her reaction, but don't let it tear you up like this. She is and will always be your mom, but your *family* responsibility is to the one you created.
Hugs,
S.

I had to ask my mom to stay out of my life forever. That is alot worse than a motel room. She should be grateful that she can be a part of your life at all.

My mom has only stayed in our house on a visit ONCE and that was because she was coming with the purpose of taking care of my son for 10 days. She and my sister rather stay in a hotel, sis due to dogs (not a dog liker), mom because she likes to give us our space when she visits.

Nope never...The only time it would be considered is if we had other out of town people staying with us.

We really should make concessions and be accomodating for parental visits. After all they did raise us and make sacrifices. As far as your boys have different schedules to sleep so what if it was disrupted. I bet they'd be happy to Grandma and if they go to bed a little later or together so what.

Of course you should call her. Tell her you were not trying to be rude but you honestly thought she would be more comfy at a hotel but she is ALWAYS more than welcome to stay at your house!!

Yes I think you should call her, sounds like she got her feelings hurt and that is why she reacted the way she did. Doesn't make it right but she must really be upset about the hotel situation. I would call her and apologize, just let her know you were only giving her that option because you know how uncomfortable she is in your home.

My opinion is, no matter how cooky or crazy she is being (like standing up to eat!) you kinda have to put up with it, doesn't sound like you see her all the time and if she stayed in a hotel she wouldn't be around you guys as much.

Nope, I would never ask my mom to stay at a hotel... But I don't know the background - maybe there's more to it, so perhaps you have reasons not shared here that you don't want to have her. But based solely on what you've said I'd still invite her to stay. I would also give up my bed for her. My husband and I have to INSIST that my parents take our bed when they're over - they never want to take it. My husband HATES giving up our bed - he doesn't even like to sleep in a hotel because of the bed - but it's a matter of respect and he is all for it and keeps his mouth shut in front of them.

If she has an attitude about the pet issue I would ask that she be respectful because it's stressful for you when she's not. If she doesn't have an attitude, she just stands and doesn't say a word then she IS being respectful. I know that can be offensive, but we have to let things go with our parents! Other than that, sorry I just can't justify this for you. Good luck, truly!

Yikes. That's cold--no matter how you slice it. I think you should call her.

I think you could have presented it a bit differently. However I was your
mother, I would never even consider staying with you since she does not
like animals. I have a snake phobia and if one of my kids had one of those
in their house, let me tell you I would be at a hotel. I would not care if it was
under lock and key!!!! I think your Mom should volunteer to stay in a hotel
unless it is financially a burden, then you should pick up the tab. Good luck.

You all must dont have a good mother/daughter relationship? You told your mom to stay in a hotel? Thats messed up. Of course you should call her. Obviously she is pissed if 3 whole weeks have went by, and no phone call. Let her decide if she want to stay in a hotel or not. That is your mom and you only get one

No offense, but your mom is unreasonable. If she looks and acts uncomfortable in your home, then a hotel or breakfast inn would be ideal for her.

I would only call to confirm if she is in fact visiting. Just make the call, if she responds great, if not, at least you made the effort to communicate.

Yeah, I guess you should call - time to break the ice. In my opinion, her behavior when at your house is rude, passive - aggressive and petty. I don't blame you for wanting to save all of you from the aggravation.

I am on the flip side of this. My husband and son and I were going to go out to visit my family and my parents have a bit of a full house. My mom basically told me it would be too stressful to try and make it work w/all of us.

While it certainly wasn't easy to hear that there was "no room at the inn" in my parents' house, I could appreciate her honesty. In the past, she has gone out of her way to accommodate everyone, which usually ends up stressing her out, which stresses us out and ticks us off bc she wasn't open and honest with us at the outset.

So just try to explain that you honestly had her best interest and comfort at heart when you suggested this (and perhaps cite the examples you mentioned so she sees that her distaste for the "conditions" at your house are more than evident to you), apologize, and ask her what she would like to do.

Good luck!

I think she way over reacted. I would call her and just ask her if shes still coming. Wait for her to answer before you bring up the hotel. It sounds like staying at your house just isnt very comfortable for her. My mom doesnt like to stay with me or my sisters becasue we have dogs and she doesnt care for dogs.

I read everyone's responses and I must admit I'm seriously shocked. Like, seriously! You "suggested" to your mom that she would be MORE COMFORTABLE in a hotel, which she would be. I think she's "the worst mom ever" to make you feel weird about your own home (dogs, cats, she can't touch the furniture because they may have, not happy with the sleeping arrangement?)---whatever. And then to yell at you and make you feel bad for trying to figure out another option? She sounds like someone I wouldn't want to bother with, but then she's not my mom.
Seriously, my mom came out for the birth of our first son, but we had a very small place and the baby was coming early (meaning he had to stay in nicu and things were already stressful enough): I suppose the difference was that we got her the place and paid for it. When my second son was about to be born, dad called to say he was coming with his wife and kid. I said, "Sorry, but you can come if you want and I'd be happy to see you, but I don't want the stress of your family coming, especially since mom will be here too". He said "Oh, well I'll just bring __ (his daughter)" and I said "No, it's not good for the infant to have children around that aren't in his household because he could get sick. You say yourself that you get sick all the time now that she's in school". Dad came and stayed in a hotel since mom was already at my house, and we offered to pay for his hotel but he said no (he has money, but we still offered). We stay at a hotel many times when we visit people, our own choice. (Namely because we want things to be "just so" when we're going to bed, and the only polite way to do it is to pay for it somewhere, lol). If you want, you can call and say "Sorry I offended you, I was just trying to make sure you were comfortable because you seemed upset or uncomfortable last time....and it kinda made me feel bad that you weren't able to relax. Will you be coming?" and that's about all I'd say, frankly. You don't need to kiss up to her. She was behaving badly by refusing to sit on your furniture (that's freaking RUDE) and she was behaving badly by flipping out when you tried to correct the situation this time. If she has a problem with your home (OR not being able to manipulate you), she can skip the visit altogether; her choice.

**Read your Edit:
Okay so you explained to her.
Well, then she is being snitty and fussy.
So be it.
She can come and stay.
BUT that is her choice.
She KNOWS... how your home is.
It is not a hotel.
-------------------------------------

Ouch.

Well did you explain to her... that it is because you have many pets and hardly any room in your home???? And that you were just trying to be common sense about it? Or thoughtful about her and her feelings on your home?
If not, then tell her that.
THEN, it is her choice, where to stay.
And that, you cannot kick out your pets nor your kids nor build extra rooms for her, to come and stay. (but of course don't tell her that).

Diplomatically speaking, the hotel thing would have gone over better if it had been (or seemed to have been) your mama's idea instead of yours.

Actually, my mama brought it up with me. It was when we were in a teeny-tiny house with two babies, a dog, two cats, my husband, and me. She stayed once, and after that she said, "I think I'll find a motel." Happily, she found the neighbors up the street instead, who had a large house with guest rooms and took her in as if she were THEIR mother.

If you want to call your mom, tell her you love her, and ask her if she is still coming, you can tell her that story. Maybe she'll laugh and relax a bit. Then you can say something like, "We love you so much, and I want the grandchildren to know you, but I want you to have a good time, too." If she says she has a good enough time standing up, let her do it that way. She's made the choice.

If she says she isn't coming, say, "I'm so sorry. We love you!" Then keep in contact. Snail mail can come in handy here - send her cards from her grandchildren that she can keep and look at often. Let her simmer down, and invite her again in a few months.

Your mom reacted very poorly in this situation.

Yes, I have asked my parents to stay at a hotel on more the one occassion- for different reasons, but they were fine with it. When we got married, they stayed in a hotel. When we brought my son home from the hospital, they stayed with my grandparents. When my grandfather passed-away, they stayed at a hotel (because my sisters, their spouses and kids were camping at my house).

Bottom line, my parents have learned that when there's stress involved, my husband needs his space and "quiet" and they respect that. You don't need to justify your request, but it would be nice to offer to make the arrangements and share the cost (may be a factor).

My parents stay at a hotel every time they come. We have a pull out couch and they hate it anyway. Plus my dad is a smoker and he's not allowed to in our house.

When I first had my baby we said everyone had to stay in a hotel and not at the house my mom flipped out and told everyone that my husband hated her and didnt want her to stay with us. I told her we didnt want anyone to stay with us because I wanted bonding time with the baby. I hate that she made my husband the bad guy when we both didnt want her staying with us and taking over.

You'll just have to get through the crappy time until the time when she realizes it would be more awesome. Plus my dad now loves that they get a hotel nearby with a pool and he gets to take Nora swimming.

hi, yep, i agree, you should call her and apologize. then always invite her to stay at your house and completely ignore any irrational or neurotic behavior she has while at your house. if she chooses to stand, she knows the deal and is making that choice. she knows you have lots of people in the house, knows you have pets and she can choose her actions.

i've been trying to do this in my own family and i find it really helpful. when the totally neurotic behavior starts just go about your life and business and let her know her options and she can choose what to do with her body....ie, stand up the entire time because animal fur freaks her out. her choice.

so sorry! i know its hard. the more you just let go of her behavior the happier you will be. really

Everybody's different. My sister hates to have houseguests, and suggests that all visitors get a hotel. We can't stay at most relatives' houses because of pet allergies. When my brother and his wife visited our grandmother, she insisted that they sleep in separate beds, despite being married.

I'm guessing that what has your mom so angry is the fact that she feels rejected, not where she does or doesn't sleep. Call her and point out that you love her, you're looking forward to the visit, you'll only be apart when everyone's asleep and you think SHE will be more comfortable if she sleeps in her own room, at a hotel, and you picnic or go to restaurants for most meals.

If she thinks that a hotel is too expensive, offer to pay at least part of the cost. If she worries that it's too far away, promise to meet her for breakfast every day.

Life is too short to sweat the small stuff, but sometimes relatives don't seem to "get" that, and to them nothing is small stuff. Don't let it get to you.

well it sounds more like SHE would want to stay in a hotel given her issues with what you have at your house.

That being said, there are other options. There are air mattresses (a twin can go for about $20-40) . ...and to be polite, one of the kids can sleep on the couch or blankets on the floor. Also, when we have guests- when ANYONE has guests- bed times and, morning time, rountine, changes. THAT is a given. So, that is no reason to tell someone that THAT is the reason a hotel would be better. She probably didn't like the bedtime comment because she's probably thinking "their bedtime schedule is MORE IMPORTANT than me staying there?!?!" Well, is it? It shouldn't be.

As for the pets. If she was expecting to stay there, then she knew very well about the pets- so that is for her to choose to stay at that point. I would have given her the OPTION to stay at a hotel, and perhaps at least offered to help pay- I would not have "Suggested". Slight difference, yet big difference.

I will say, though that it was very rude, heartless and immature of her to yell and say awful things to you. Her feeling were hurt, though

You know what I would do now if I were you? Patch things up NOW. Just tell her "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. you are welcome to stay here, we can figure out bed arrangements. And I just want to remind you about our pets. I will try to keep them out of your hair and vice versa (LOL) Will you please come, we will miss you if you don't!"

It is just TOO PETTY of a thing to cancel a trip over. Too sad. Patch things up, apologize and make room for your mum:)

I would call and ask her if she is still planning to come for a visit. I would also tell her that you did not mean to offend her, it was just an offer as she had issues during her last visit and you want her comfortable. I would explain again your reasons, and what she had told you about them, and let her know that was why you thought of a hotel. Leave it up to her. I also would make sure you told her that you love her and are always looking forward to your time with her.

Ugh YES ONCE time I suggested my parents stay in a hotel when they came to visit - they were coming up with my sister and her boyfriend - so 4 adults, and we are living in a 3 bedroom, 1 bath unit. My daughter was 10 months at the time and was just starting to finally sleep through the night in her crib that very week. I was so sleep deprived after so many months of waking up every couple of hours. The spare bed was in my daughter's room and we couldn't have people sleeping in there or she would have totally woken up (she will wake up from a deep sleep if someone even sneezes in the room - it's happened). Too many people to put in the living room, and we had 1 bathroom!!! And had to get ready for my kids' baptism the next morning which is why everyone was in town. Not to mention my 2 cats which my dad is allergic to and complains about constantly while in my house. I thought I was doing them a favor suggesting a hotel for just that ONE TIME. Now a year & a half later they have yet to come back to visit and I get the constant passive aggressive guilt trip about making them stay in a hotel. Meanwhile we've hauled the kids down to see them at least 20 times since then. ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!

id call and see what her plans are, if you can maybe go on price line and do a bid your own hotel for one in your area for part of her stay and then get an air mattress for either you and your husband or your mother, or maybe even put the animals in a kennel for the stay if its a few days or see if a friend can keep them to work with your mom

A.,

I know your intention was completely good and valid. The problem is, since your mom didn't come up with the idea-she chose to be hurt about it. Until she acts like an adult and tells you how she feels, you won't get anywhere. I would write her an email and ask her to call you. Tell her you want to settle whatever you need to but there are ground rules--no yelling and no name calling. GL!

M

You have every right to ask her to stay there to make her more comfortable. She is not the mother of your sons, therefore she needs to respect your decision to keep their bedtimes intact. If she wants a bed then she needs to grow up and stay at the hotel. You're not a bad daughter, in fact you're extremely awesome because you thought of HER first. Be glad she's not visiting I suppose, then you don't have to deal with her standing all the time.