Having a Baby with a Friend

No, babies are not possessions to have whenever you want. There is a reason that it take two to have a baby, because it take two to raise the baby. A child deserves to have both parents committed to each other in marriage for life.

As long as the baby is loved, taken care of and has stability I dont think its a problem. There are a lot of married deadbeats that have children that are abused.

Not only is it not normal, it's also not right.
But people will do it anyways and I wish them the best possible outcome.

sure, not my style but if they are good people with adequate money to plan this than i see no issue. gay guys and lesbians do this all the time, single women and men adopt. Whats the difference?

I think the key word in your question is 'baby' because 'it' is only a baby for such a short time. I honestly think people sometimes forget that they are creating a human being that quickly grown into an child/teen. the cute and cuddly baby phase is fast and fleeting.

I would use the word healthy to the word normal... I don't think it's healthy to do this - for the child or the mother. Man it's hard - even w/2 parents in the house. BUT if you are secure in a job with good medical benefits, have a stable home, a REALLY good support system around you then yes, it can be done.

As a matter of fact...a colleague's of my husbands, his daughter...did just this, felt her bio-clock was ticking, chose a guy friend to father her a baby.....fast forward....they ended up getting married during the pregnancy. The parents are very old fashioned and had a really hard time discussing their daughter's wedding and new grandbaby a couple of months later. But the couple is quite happy.

Ditto Molly....gotta be there for the child and provide lots of love and family.

No, that wasn't God's intention when he created us. Not to say accidents don't happen, but I don't think you should INTENTIONALLY do that with no regard.

No. I think it's stupid. Incredibly stupid.

Oh, and I am not calling you stupid...if you are thinking of doing this. I meant for ME and MY life, I would think it's stupid. It's a pretty polarizing question, you should expect a gamut of answers. I don't think anyone is personally insulting you.

It can and does work, depending, of course, on your friendship and intentions regarding parenting. "Normal" isn't what's right or wrong; it's what you are familiar with. I live in San Francisco, so normal here isn't normal in most places.

If it were perfectly normal, we'd see it all the time. I've never met anybody who had a baby in this situation. And I've met a lot of people over my lifetime. So, no, I don't think it's perfectly normal. That was your question, right?

Reminds me of Will and Grace. I've never really seen it growing up or anything (I'm from the south) but different areas bring different things. It could be dangerous if they get in a fight and stop being friends, but if they have a solid plan and stick with it then I'd say okay as long as the baby is always in a healthy safe environment. Technically the same thing could happen to couples in a relationship who fight or whatever and split up... so same risks.

As long as children are in a happy, healthy, safe environment I don't care if the parents are friends, gay, or whatever. There are too many children being abused by "traditional" couples to judge nontraditional parents who provide healthy/safe environments to children. I know this is not always the case, I'm just saying I judge on an individual basis not a stereotype.

And I don't think your treating a baby like a possession when you make a mature decision to raise the baby healthily. I'm a single mom and I can tell ya I didn't treat my daughter like a possession when I left her dad when he started being physically abusive. She is a happier child then she would've been if I stayed with him. Non-traditional families don't make unhealthy, unhappy kids bad parent/s do.

Well... I honestly think it depends on how the parenting is going to work out... is this 'friend' going to be 'Daddy', or is this friend just helping you get a baby and you want to raise it on your own? If you are going to be a single mom, and if you are mentally and monetarily able to handle the responsibility, then I don't really see a problem with it. I know plenty of single women who excell at motherhood.

BUT, if the situation is that you are both going to parent without being in a relationship, I would say it's a BAAAD idea. When you are in a relationship, compromise is already an integral part of your lives. Seperately, not so much. Having kids tests even the strongest couples, so I can't imagine the havoc it could cause in a normal friendship. The potential for completely screwing up the friendship would be too much of a risk for me... not to mention how it would affect the child.

As far as normalcy goes, obviously it isn't NORMAL. It would be very different from a traditional family dynamic... I don't think it's so much a matter of South vs. North... I grew up in Idaho, and during that time spent tons of time in Montana, Oregon, and Utah. I have also lived in Texas (2x), Southern California, and I'm currently living in Tennessee. Honestly, the biggest difference I have seen is simply the difference in population.

Personally, I don't think I could have a kid without being in a relationship. I depend sooo much on my hubby, to be there for me emotionally, to help with our baby, physically (hey, sex is a great stress reliver!!!), etc. The list goes on and on. I feel like I am a good mother, and I think that a big part of that is being able to rely on my hubby to keep me sane.

No, I wouldn't consider that "perfectly normal." I'm sure it happens and probably MANY circumstances might make it an option. But "perfectly normal"? No.

Wow really moms? I think it could be a great thing with the right people. To each his own! And what would be wrong with two people who love (platonically) and respect each other having a kid that they love together. There are far worse parents out there that actually did have a romantic relationship. I'd be proud to call myself a friend of someone who chose this arrangement to have a baby.

I was born and raised in an average size city in Indiana, and lived in NC for 4 years in my 20's and I can tell you there IS a difference!! lol

But as far as your question goes - you'll find judgemental people everywhere. Sone people simply live for drama!

I say - do what you want! If you're responsible for the child - and it sounds like you are going to be - then you are leaps and bounds ahead of many devoted "couples"!!!

For one the south doesn't do this, I am from the south and would never in my right mind do this. It's not normal. The poor kid has to live with the fact that his parents don't love each other, don't want to be together, and that you two only had a baby because one of you wanted it. Kids need a stable environment and need both parents. It's one thing if there is a divorce or a death but to do this would be weird. I would need emotional support and help raising my kids, can't do that really with just a friend. Just think about what you want to do and don't do it just for your benefit. Think about the child first because once you have that baby it's not about you anymore it's about the baby. Good luck

I think families are a group of people (2 or more) that love, support, respect and take care of each other. It doesn't matter if they're related by blood or marriage; doesn't matter if they live together or 1000 miles apart; their gender, race or physical capabilities don't matter.

Normal? Probably not if you define "normal" as common place. But it could be a perfectly legitimate arrangement as long as everyone is putting that baby (who never *asked* to be born) first and foremost.

No. Children deserve to be brought into a home where there are two parents who show compassion, love and respect for each other which models loving behavior to the child in relationships.

One may think the platonic friendship is going to be all fine and dandy, but bringing a child into it will surely complicate things. People have to be fiercely loyal and dedicated to each other to bring children into this world.

??? Perfectly Normal?? No this is not a normal way of haveing a baby.

No-it is not perfectly normal nor is it advised. It is difficult enough when there are two parents tripping over themselves to do the very best for their child in a world that seeks to undo their efforts at every turn.

I know some one who did this. She was in her mid 30's , no relationship or prospect of one, never married, no children. She got pregnant by a friend. They discussed it and agreed to do it. He takes no responsibility for the baby whatsoever, but thats how it was planned from the beginning. They have a son together and he's now 10 years old. She struggled to raise him as a single mom. She changed alot after this happened, she became very bitter.
I know I wouldn't do something like that on purpose. Thats just me....

Life is different all over the place.

You shouldn't worry about other people's opinions and do what's right for you and your life.

I personally don't think I would want to have a child out of wedlock or alone - but that is ME...what works for me - may not work for you.

I would also have problems having a baby with someone who I am only friends with - should things change in the relationship - what if they want to take my child from me? That would just wreck my world.

Being a parent is huge responsibility! Parenting is hard enough when there is 2 to share the load. Not to say that there isn't some great single parents out there - there is. You need to think about if the find will stay around and if they don't can you handle it alone. Which if the baby has special needs will you be able to handle it emotionally and $?

Take care
J.

I had some really, really terrible examples of marriage in my childhood. I never wanted children because I never wanted to go through what I watched my parents go through as a couple (never mind what happened trying to raise the kids...). I planned to do just this. When the time was right and I was nice and stable after college, I'd ask my friend if he'd be on board.

As it turned out, I met my husband my junior year of college. We got engaged 6 months into our relationship, married a year later, and here we are, 3 years married with two beautiful daughters and I know absolutely, 100%, I would never have been as good a mommy to be my girls without their daddy by my side.

All that said, I also know this is just where life took me. If I had decided to have a baby without my husband, that would have been the path I was supposed to be on. Life is just like that. If I've learned anything, it's that plans aren't worth diddly squat when it comes to matters of the heart.

If I hadn't found my husband and was still single, I had a friend I would have had a baby with. He's pretty great, we never got past the best friends category into lovers, though, and since we're friends first, I think we could have made it work pretty well, but I'll never know. I know if I'd stayed single a few more years, I would have wanted a baby whether I had a husband or not.

Just because something isn't "normal" doesn't mean it's wrong. Lots of things that weren't "normal" before have become normal over time because some brave souls were willing to try and willing to face society's judgement of them. Look at women in the workplace in general? That used to not be the norm, but is completely normal now and in all kinds of work that women didn't used to do. That being said, purposely trying to have a baby with a person you aren't in a relationship with is a tough choice to make. Definitely a lot harder than if you were married/committed to the other person. But that doesn't make it "wrong" either.

There are lots of fantastic single mothers out there and IMO, if a person is financially stable and has a good support system (ie: friends and family willing to help out), then by all means, a person would be able to consider this non-traditional parenthood. But really knowing what your are getting into and knowing you are prepared would be ideal. Sadly, many young couples in relationships, married or not, end up wanting children and getting pregnant when they are not financially or emotionally ready for children yet themselves. Some relationships fall apart before the child is born or is more than a few years old. Life isn't a perfect cookie cutter recipe. We can only do the best we know how. I don't see how a person who is prepared and has thought through the idea of having a child without being in a committed relationship is any worse than any other mature adult couple wanting a baby (other than that person may have a bit more work to do if intending to raise the child completely with out the other parent's involvement).

I guess I need to quit rambling and say that my point is, No, its not Normal, but if it has been well thought through, there is nothing wrong with it and could become more normal in the future (ie: women who feel their biological clock ticking who are not in a relationship but are financially established). Kudos to those brave enough to try and willing to defy the "Norm".

No, I don't think its normal. Nothing really is normal. I personally would want my child to have both mommy and daddy married and living together while being happy together as a family. I do however understand some people's wants/needs to have a child and haven't found the right person to settle down with--so they do have a child with a friend but the purpose is to have them be a single parent-not the friend to co-parent. It kind of depends on the circumstances. For me, I wouldn't do it unless I loved them and they loved me and wanted to be a family.

Everyone has a right to their opinion. You asked for people's opinion, right?? You had to know you'd get some responses you wouldn't like on such a controversial topic.

Well, this isn't a "southern thing" first of all, but aside from that I think it's fine if you're of a certain age and income level and REALLY want a child but have no possibilities of the romantic/marriage kind in the foreseeable future. As long as a person has taken everything into account and understands they need to be able to afford quality childcare from 6 weeks on, they have a dependable job, and they really have some idea of the 24/7 work that goes into having a baby -why not? Especially if the "friend" on the other end of the equation also wants to be a father, but also has no "normal" possibilities at the time. That sort of arrangement seems to me to be far more thought out with a better outcome than all the "oops" single mom pregnancies out there where they're too young, uneducated, poor and dad is nowhere to be found. This type of arrangement is also not uncommon in the gay community. My SIL is gay and has two children. The first child was "fathered" through donation by a really good gay male friend who wanted kids too. The second was through a donation provided by one of her life-long best friends who also wanted to be a father, but was in his early 40s and had never married or had anyone on the horizon he wanted to marry.

It isn't something I would want but I can see where it could work for some...someone who wants a child and hasn't meant the right one but has a very close friend who would be a great parent.

Morally? Bad idea.
Financially? Worse idea.
Legally? Don't even go there.

Even two gay men who want to adopt a child have to be legally married first. (civil marriage)

So perfectly normal? There's no such thing. Especially in this case.

The only time I've ever seen that happen is in the movies.
I personally would not do it. It's been shown that kids need both parents to grow to their fullest potential. (no offense single moms, my mom was a single mom ) And that happens easiest with parents married.
And Having a baby is hard enough with two parents there , with only one it's even harder. I'd want the support a spouse provides.

I think it should just really matter what you think because your the one going thru it. think it twice already? well if you have and if you think its the right decision then you should, just as long as you both know that there will never be a serious relationship between you two. ( i would never say never, you never know what might happen in the future) :-)!!!!! so i would say go for it honey its your life you know whats best for you!!!!!!!!!!!

good luck and best wishes sincerely
M. **

No.
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I thought it was fairly obvious that you were commenting on something you had come across in your "new" environment and wondered if you were the odd one or they were. MN is definitely not the south. It isn't you that is unusual. At least I don't think so. That was sort of the point of your question, right?

I don't think it's typical or what's considered to be normal. It's unusual or else you wouldn't be posing the question.

It's not typical situation because it's fraught with a lot of tricky and sticky issues not the least of which would be interpersonal relationships, many legal issues, and personal identity for the child as well as how family events would be handled. It depends on whether or not the parents plan to co-parent and claim their parental rights. It depends on what happens when circumstances change and one parent decides that the situation no longer suits them and they break the agreement that's in place, whatever the agreement was.

At least with this situation, the parents would start out with an amicable relationship, but children thrive better in two-parent households where the parents are not only amicable but care about and love each other. It would seem a shame to deprive a child of that.

It is your choice. No one can say it is normal or not. It is just people's opinions.

No -- However, could you possibly elaborate?

Blessings....

I don't honestly believe that the South is really that much different than any where else. And is anyone really "normal" in this world? If a person wants to have a baby with a friend and doesn't plan on having a relationship together after that child is born, that is their decision. If it is something they have discussed, they are financially able to do so, and have everything lined up for it, why not! Its their lives and they can live it any way they choose as long as that child is raised with love and given everything that parent can possibly provide!

The question is whether it's normal to have a baby with a non-romantic partner. If by normal, you mean common and widely seen in society, then my answer is "No".

As long as that friend understands he will be required to at the least pay child support - I don't see why not. It would be best if he wanted a relationship with the child - like an Uncle type relationship.

I do not feel marriage automatically equals a good, decent and safe home life or environment to raise a child.

I think it is up to you and your friendship. When I turned 30 and was still not married, it crossed my mind to do the same. I didn't think too seriously on it but now that I am married with children, I would think really hard about ALL things that could possibly come up. You want to know the health history of this person, you want to know things about his personality b/c oddly enough, many, many manerisms are genetic. Things you don't think would be, you see later that have to be b/c they were never actually taught. The other thing is are you going to have the father sign away rights immediately? You don't want this 'friend' to want rights to this child once it is born. Plus, if this is a real friend, the friendship may not work out afterward. It would be really hard for a man to be hanging around his child with his 'best friend'. It is also hard to raise a child on your own. You will have to work, put the child in daycare or childcare and have to be 'on' all the time by yourself. costs and everything are all on you until that baby is 18. Then, when you do finally meet the man you want to marry, how will he handle you having a child already? He may be ok with it but he may not. Your child may be 5, or even 10 yrs old by that time and how will the family blend?

you don't mention why you want to do this or how old you are, I was 33 when I had my first child and almost 36 with my second. If you are young enough, maybe wait a bit longer until you meet the man you want to have children with.

If it were "perfectly normal," you wouldn't have to ask if it was. "Normal" is what is usually done. No one ever asks, for example, if it's normal to have a baby with your spouse. That doesn't mean having a baby with your friend is wrong necessarily, but it's definitely not "normal."

For me personally, I would not call that normal...

However, you do not provide a lot of detail about the folks you speak of... I can't help but wonder if this could be a person in a same sex relationship or someone getting older who feels like their clock is ticking or cancer or some other scenario...

I guess different strokes for different folks.
~C.