Having Another Child

I personally hate being an only child. I'm so glad I have two daughters and am due with another baby in one month. It is so cute to see my girls play together. I would have given anything to have had a sibling to grow up with.

This is such a personal choice, and one only you and hubby can make. I decided on 2, and had them close together (20 months apart) because I wanted them to have each other, and I am very happy with that decision. I love how my boys play and interact with each other. But that was what was best for my family. Do I think it is unfair to not have more, not at all. She will have friends and activities where she can interact with other children. There really is no "right" answer here.

Hi there,
I do not know much about only children, but like you had health issues...but with my 2nd pregnancy, the docs said the same to me that another pregnancy could be just fine. First one was a breeze...I am now 38 weeks with my 3rd baby and this one was a breeze as well. I did wonder if I could handle two kiddos when we were considering having more and now I wonder that about 3 LOL but I think it all works out. Lots of love and stability is what we do :) Good luck, it is a big decision. :)

You have to do what you REALLY want to do here! I'm an only child and I'm fine with it. I have deeper, richer friendships than many people I know with many siblings. I got to "pick" my siblings, so to speak, so I'm pretty happy with them! You never know if your children will get along or not ultimately, so please don't have another just to give your child a sibling. You should have another if you truly want another child yourselves!

I went through a phase around 5 years old when I wished I had siblings because I started kindergarten and everyone else had one. That was in 1975, and only children were rare. Now, only children are everywhere! I know a number of people choosing to only have one, and they're all happy with it. There are always plusses and minuses to anything you do, but only children are NOT lonely children or unhappy adults. Most of us do quite well! Just make sure you socialize your child a lot and always have situations where she has plenty of other kids to be around and play with. The other thing -make sure you don't put too much on your existing child because there are no others. She needs to always feel free to live her own life -move wherever she wants, spend holidays elsewhere if she wants, NOT have any kids, etc. No guilt-trips about "Well, you're our only child...." allowed! This is a choice you're making -not her. Other than that -do what you want and don't worry about it!

I hope you realize that either decision will be the right one as long as you can let yourself be happy. The amount of people in a family isn't as important as the amount of the love. Being able to provide for that child and give them food, clothing, and shelter with plenty of attention is what is most important. If you have another child the same will be true for two. Can you compensate for the difference if you choose not to have another child? Yes. Be active with other family so she is close to cousins or other friends so that she can have closeness with them. Socialization seems like your only fear and that is easy. I have a few friends with multiple children who are having hard financial times right now and one recently said that they wouldn't give up their children for the world but to have only one or two to pay for and care for would be a lot closer to what they could afford. I can see opportunity with both choices for you. If your family already feels complete - it might be.

My husband is an only child and he has turned out just fine. His siblings are the friends that he made when he was a kid. Only children are never really alone. They make friends and grow with them just the same as a child with siblings would be. I have 2 sisters, 2 half brothers and a step brother. I wouldn't trade my siblings for anything. They were great when I was growing up. I think that either way you do it, your child will be just fine. She will find friends that will be siblings and she will remember then for the rest of her life. Good luck with your decision making!!

C.

If it helps at all, all the "only child" stereotypes have pretty much been debunked:

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,###-###-##...

For many reasons, we decided to have only one. We have gotten some pressure, but it's cultural/societal (definitely read the above article), and it hasn't been too bad.

I would've liked to have more, but we have to make the best decision for all of us, and it's just not right for us. It makes me sad, but I am slowly trying to come to peace with it.

You have to do what works best for you and your family. I am an only child. It was lonely when I was young but as I grew older I learned that I can pick and choose my friends. Friends can be as close as any sibling. My close friends are scattered around the country but I know they'd have my back if I needed them. Having a sibling doesn't guarantee you'll be the best of friends or even like each other. I had health issues with my first pregnancy. My husband and I discussed trying for another. We were also in a nice little groove with our family of 3. We decided to give it a shot. I got pregnant after a few miscarriages and the pregnancy went very smoothly. My kids are 32 months apart. I wasn't sure about having room in my heart for another child because I LOVED my son so much. You know what? My heart just grew and now I LOVE my kids so much. As long as you provide playdates and socialize your daughter, empower her to be independent and confident, she'll be just fine. Also, if you do get pregnant, she's old enough to understand most things and can help with the baby and you and feel good about it. Hope this helps.

A lot of previous posters have emphasized that this is your decision, and obviously it is! But I can see you are looking for outside perspectives to help navigate this very important and life-changing decision. So...here is my perspective :)

I am pregnant with my 2nd and am also nervous about the transition to two children. It seems so easy with one and we've got our routines down pat. I'm worried about having the energy and patience for two. And I think it's totally normal for all moms going from one to two to have these worries.

I've always heard that the best present you can give your child is a sibling, and I believe it is true. I have two younger brothers and it has always been a comfort to know that they are there for me and I for them. And I loved watching my youngest (who is 9 years younger) grow up and being his mentor (although I wasn't always the best). My mother stressed that having more than one actually makes things easier in the long run because they learn from and entertain each other.

But I think the most important consideration came from two of my close friends who are only children. They face a lot of unintentional performance pressure from their parents because they are their parent's only "legacy." My husband and I have talked about it at length and while this may be controversial to say, I believe that their parents have in a sense placed all of their proverbial eggs in one basket by only having one. I would hate that kind of pressure and wouldn't want it for my children.

I've also seen the different kinds of relationships a child (and grown adult) can have with their parents, and some are indeed richer than others - even within an individual family. I think having more than one child will give you the benefit of having more than one kind of relationship with your children. Think about the different kinds and depths of relationships you have with your close friends.

Aside from your husband, your children will be the most important people you know in your entire life. Of all the moms I know who have had more than one child, not one regrets it and every single mom I've talked to emphasizes how wonderful it is to add another child to your family.

I am an only child and as a child I wished for a sibling more then anything else. I still to this day wish I had a sister or brother. My mom has three sisters and two brothers and she has close relationships with all of them, not to mention all of the cousins I have because of my mom's siblings. It enriches all of our lives to have a large extended family but my own family growing up was just me and my mom as my parents divorced when i was young. I now have three children and did struggle with the decision to have a second child to give my daughter a sibling. We ended up giving her two. I will never regret that decision. When I see my children playing together I know I made the right decision. Yes, my schedule got all screwed up when my now 5 year old twins were born and it was really hard to give my then 3 year old the attention she deserved but we made it work. When I see my daughter snuggled up next to her younger sister who has crawled into her bed during the night or when I hear them playing school, house, barbies or whatever I am so glad that they have each other. All three of my kids have a great life playing together, fighting with each other, learning how to handle conflict, learning how to share, how to give, and how to love each other. It was absolutely the right decision and I can't imagine our lives without our two youngest family members. As an only child I got all the attention from my mom and I think grew up faster as I was mostly around adults and not other kids during my childhood. I had a good life with my mom but I do think I was lonely. That's my story. Hope it helps.

Good luck with your decision.

You didn't state what your health issues were during your pregnanacy so it's kind of hard to gage. I was scared to add another one. Terrified actually. I didn't see how I could spread myself between two. We had a second daughter when my oldest was 3. It worked out great. Our first turned out to be great little helper. The little one just kinda fell in line. Your house is already calibrated for kids so it's not like starting fresh. Our youngest is now 20 months and our oldest is 5. It's a good age difference that worked out perfectly. You'll do great! That mama instinct will take over and you'll take great care of your little cubs. If I can do it, then anyone can do it : )

I have two kids who are 6 years apart and we will be trying for #3 soon. I cannot imagine just having one child. It's so fun with two! BUT, deciding to have an only child is not selfish at all! I'd say, until you feel the tug to have another child, don't do it. Wait until you really want another one. I am not gung-ho about a third right now but I know that I will be soon, and that is why we are semi-planning for a 3rd.

I applaud you for thinking through this important decision so carefully! Some people quickly work to have a second child before really thinking about whether they can properly care for (and afford!) two children.

Having said that, I'm not sure any of us here can help you make that decision. I personally think there's nothing unfair to your daughter about being an only child. A few of my best friends are only children and they are extremely well-adjusted and never cared that they don't have siblings. I think I want to have more than one child, but for now I'm focusing on the one baby I have--so we'll see!

Having more than 1 child has to be a choice you and your Hubby makes. I am a child of 3 I have no sisters and 2 brothers. I NEVER got along with my older brother. My younger brother and I got along fine, but now we have such different lives we barely talk. I did not feel complete until I had my daughter so I have 3 kids 2 boys and 1 girl. I cannot force the to like eachother and want to play with eachother I can only hope they have better luck then me and my brothers.

Please do not plan this on him having company. He will have a wonderful life, he has too with such a loving Mommy.

Heath wise. My 1st pregnancy/ was perfect, but delivery was scary he had the cord wrapped. My 2nd pregnancy was more difficult He was on a network of nerves or something the peritoneal pain involved from 3 months and thru delivery was unlike anything I have heard of, and then the health issues he had (ICU right after birth for sugar issues, Jaundice, Thought to have GERG but was lactose intolerant til he was 2, BAD Egg allergy, asthma ect...)My third was perfect minus the constant morning sickness, perfect delivery, perfect baby and she is now 15 months old. When they tell you every pregnancy is different, every labor, deliver and child is different WOW do they mean it.

If the doctors are not nervious I would not be either.

Good luck in your choice. Do what is right for your family.

I am an only child. I have always wanted sibling, even now as an adult. More than anything I wanted a sister, but a brother would have been great too. Growing up there was nobody to play with but myself. Pets and dolls were my playmates at home. There are times now where I think man, it would be great to talk to "my sister" about things. And if I had a "brother" it would be great to get a guy's take. It was lonely for me growing up. I'm not saying I didn't have friends....but it wasn't the same. I look at my boyfriend and I'm somewhat jealous of his relationship with his brother. They are always doing stuff, like helping each other build stuff or work on cars together, that sort of thing. And this might be terrible to say, but as my mom ages, I feel like I have so much more responsibility for her care and nobody will be around to help. I'm going to have to be the one to do it all. It's not that I don't want to or won't, it would just be nice to know somebody else would be around to help out.

That being said, my best friend is also an only child, and she LOVED growing up that way. She even has an only child herself, and doesn't want more. Her son seems to do ok, and is involved in a lot of stuff at school. So there are pros and cons to the situation. Good luck with your decision.

Any choice you make will be a good one. I am an only child and I had - and still have! lots of friends and great cousins. I have multiple children now which I love, but its not because I am sure they will be best friends, even though they do get along really well! There were times growing up and even now with a family that I am lonely - but those are rare and I had many friends who grew up in larger 5+ children families who also felt lonely at times. Simply having more family around doesn't mean that you will never feel lonely. Would I have liked siblings? Sure, I love people and I love children, but I saw many friends too that didn't have excellent sibling relationships either and life is all about flourishing with what God has given you! Growing up and watching other families, I saw many only children who had wonderful childhoods - along with many small and large families who had the same. Other smaller - two or three child families did not get along and there were large families who didn't get along either. So - either way will be great! If it is any help, there is a growing trend in larger cities and throughout Latin America to have only children, so your child would be far from "alone!"
Also - some complain that an only child has to carry more burdens possibly in the case of an ill parent or caring for aging parents - this is a tough case no matter what!! While this can be true in some cases, often an only child will have more financial resources from the parent to help with paying for extra help. - and while they make the decisions, they will most likely have a loving extended family and a family of their own to help them too. If you look around there are many, many situations of multiple siblings where one sibling gets all of the care anyways, or there are severe disagreements within the sibling group as to the care making it really stressful - so its a grass is often greener scenario! - and with loneliness and having a playmate too - siblings can be great, but there is no guarantee.

I am all for children - they are a huge blessing - I would recommend at least 10! But have them because they are a blessing and not because it will guarantee your child a loneliness free childhood, the perfect playmates, or a group of siblings who are going to share evenly and well in elder care and never disagree. - In those cases the greener grass really is true a lot of the time!

Your decision to have a child should not be based on if it is fair for your daughter. All studies show that single children grow up quite fine so the question is really, 'Is it medically safe for you to be pregnant again?' and if so, "Are you up for the challenges and joys another child will bring?'

My first pregnancy went extremely well up to delivery and then I had to have an emergency c-section because after 31 hours of labor, I did not progress.

This did not stop me from having no. two; three and 1/2 years later. At the end of that pregnancy, I did develop a severe form of preelamsia and had to have another emergency c-section at 37 weeks.

This did make me pause. Even though I thought I wanted a third I knew that the risks of getting preeclamsia was higher plus I had some other medical issues surrounding the c-section so I actually thought I couldn't get pregnant again.

Well, six years later, I found out 16 1/2 weeks along that I was pregnant. Because my OBGYN was aware of the very real dangers to my and the baby's health, he took all the necessary precautioned for a high risk pregnancy from that point on. I now have a beautiful one year old baby girl.

I am thrilled to be a mother of three. Only you can answer what is the right amount of children for your family. You will not harm your daughter either way. Medically speaking, do the homework, talk to your OBGYN and then you can make an informed decision on whether it is safe to be pregnant again.

Good luck.

I felt that way, too. So I decided to wait a while. Then it started to feel like someone was missing, and I knew I wanted to have a second. We have been so happy with two, and feel that we made the right choice for us. Do it only if it feels right to you and your husband.

Only children are fine. You don't have to give a child a sibling.

My son is a third generation "only child". My dad was an only, I am an only and I will NOT be having anymore kids. I was fine being an only. Everyone teenage *only* I talk to now.....love and loved being an *only*. We can afford private school, college, sports, vacations, etc. I am a chiropractor and own the business so I work long hours and don't know how I would spread myself to many children sports events, picking them up etc either. I KNOW it is the right choice for our family. You will just need to KNOW for yourself. You can always explain to child why you chose what you chose when they get older.

I don't think it's selfish or unfair at all to have only one child. You need to do what is right for your family! Your daughter sounds very loved and if you agree that your family is complete, that is a legitimate decision, in my opinion!

That being said, I am now pregnant with my 3rd (I have 1.5 and 3 year old) and I just LOVE having brothers. They are best friends and have so much fun together. I remember how much I loved just having one, and how scared I was to upset the routine we had established for our little family of three. But it all works out, and you adjust, if you do decide to go for it :)

K

H., I've thought about both sides of this issue. Before I had our second child, I always thought, "I'd never have only one because that's not fair to the first!" And now that I've seen the boys together (they are 3 1/2 and 1) and how much the love each other, I am so happy I have them both. That being said, and please know that I love my 2nd more than anything, I do look back on the days when it was just me and my 1st and really miss that special time. Since the 2nd's been born, it's been pretty rough. I was a SAHM during my 2nd's entire first year, and his birth (and just being 3) was pretty hard on my first. My first and I had this great routine down before the 2nd was born, and the 2nd blew that out of the water!!! So since his birth (and I know this sounds terrible) I've had fleeting thoughts about the time before, and how nice it was.

So.....I don't think you are necessarily screwing up your child if she's an only! Having a sibling is a wonderful thing for a child, and she will most certainly appreciate the presence of another child in her life. BUT, if she's your only, you have a lot more time and energy (and patience) to focus on her, which may make up for the lack of a sibling.

It's such a personal decision. One thing I might suggest if you're not sure yet is just waiting. There's nothing wrong with the two kids being several years apart. This will make it easier to focus on each of them individually, because your older daughter will not need as much of the "babying" as she might need if you have a baby now - know what I mean?

My opinion is this is a "grass is always greener" topic. Only children wish for siblings. Kids in large familys wish they were and only child.

Sometimes siblings get along, sometimes they become estranged. The future can't ever be known. I don't think it matters that much.

My child was an only child until she go step-sisters. However she is the only child currently in the house and I can tell you she is a happy healthy well adjusted child. If she wants company she has both cousins and friends to play with.

On the plus side, she will have more college money.

The choice is yours and either way you are a great Mom.

I haven't read many of the resopnses, but this is something that friends and I have discussed. A guy that I work with is an only child. His dad passed away over 10 years ago and his mother passed away a year ago. He talked about how hard it was being the only child and having to make decisions for his mom when she was sick and not having anyone else to be involved with the decisions (aside from his wife). But, the hardest thing he told me is that there is no one left who shares his childhood and traditions. He feels like his traditions died with his mom because there's no one to reminisce with or who was a part of that.
Kids learn a great deal from siblings like patience, sharing, how to resolve conflict and love. My husband and I have two children and they are the best of friends and can fight like there's no tomorrow. No matter what, they have each other. As much as my son claims to be "embarassed" when his sister walks up to him in the hallway (he is 9th and she is 7th), they have each other's back. They bond over how unfair their parents are, what's happening in school and are fiercely protective of each other. I have the same kind of relationship with my brother.
In the end it is your deicision, but I think it could make you better parents and your children better people.

I too struggled with the decision to have another child. I have a 6 1/2 year old and am currently 8 months pregnant. I was completely happy with just having one until she started Kindergarten. It was then that I felt the void and realized that I couldn't stop thinking about babies. I wish I would have had my second child earlier but I simply wasn't ready earlier. I think that there are definite benefits to having only one child. I do not think that they are lonely. It is becoming very common to be an only and several of the children in my daughter's classes are only children. I think that by only having one child you can devote more time to them and provide them with opportunities you may not be able to otherwise. That being said, my advice is that you will know when or if it is time to have another child. It will feel right. And if you wait, a larger age difference is not so bad...you have more time to spend with one while the other is at school and the older one is a bit more independent. Your child is loved and that's all that truly matters.

Hi,
I have an only son of 16, he's doing fine. There was a time when he wanted a sister but he's completely happy with being an only child. He is very social so he has a friend spend the night at least once a week as well as spending the night at another friends. Either decision in the long run will be fine for you and your family.
Blessings,
S.

I think it is fine to have an only! You have to do what is best for you and your family. I know many only children who are perfectly happy well adjusted kids! (My daughter has been an only for almost 5 years)... we didn't plan on having more children as we were also very content and fine with an only. However I'm having another one now (birth control failure :-))
and of course, blessed that our family is going to change. Fate took over on this one, but we wouldn't have planned it this way! And to note... I grew up with a sibling and was never very close to her (even though we were close in age)... we couldn't be more different in personality!!! I do, however, enjoy her as an adult, but I do also have many wonderful girlfriends that I regard as "family".

Coming from an only child I beg you to please give it some more thought and find it in your heart to give your child a sibling. We have one and are expecting our second I could never bear the thought of leaving my son alone. I wished and wished and wished to this day I had a sibling for so many reasons, you must remember that someday a very long time from now you and your husband will be gone and your daughter will really appreciate you not leaving her alone. Just something to think about. Good Luck