Having Problems with My Own Mother

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have a similar situation to deal with. I have just come to the realization that I can never please my family or make them accept me. I CAN however make myself happy and raise my family in a different manner. If you are growing apart then that is sad but there is not much you can do about it at this point. Just remember that you can only do what you can do. If she chooses to have the dogs around then that is her choice. They are probably a whole lot of company for her. I know that my mom and my sister both prefer dogs over people because they are both unhappy people and dogs love them regardless.

I was going to say EXACTLY what Lorie has said. I, too, have the same situation with my mom that she & you have. She said it even better than I could have. Best of luck to you,
E.

After your update I went back and do not see any instance where you are referred to as selfish. I think you read that on your own. I think that you are being way harder on yourself than we are. We are trying to offer suggestions, not judge you. It is always your choice in life to take ownership of your feellings. Nobody else can do that no matter what we think or suggest to you.

What is happening to you is very normal. We grow up thinking our parents can do nothing wrong. We worship them and believe everything they say and tell us.

Many people begin to open their eyes to the reality when they move out of their parents home,. the next stage is when they get married.. Once you have your own child, you see it all.

It can disappointing, or you can feel cheated, or you can see and realize that your mother is human after all. She is a product of her own childhood, he education and the life she has had to lead.

You can make choices on what you will now do with your open eyes. You can make it all about how this affects you or you can just accept this is who she is. Isn't that what you are doing for your own child and will hope he will do for you when his own eyes open up?

Your mother made choices and decisions. They belong to her. You are not responsible for fixing her or judging her. Instead you each need to decide what you need to be happy on your own and what you will need to do to yourself to accept the other as they are.

How long has she had her dogs? When did you find out your child was allergic to pets? Did she purchase the dogs after you discovered your son is so ill? If she did than I would think it was not a great choice on her own. If the dogs have been with her for a long time, do you think she should get rid of them? Are you willing to make it an issue?

Her health is not in your control. You can tell her you are concerned and ask how you can be of help, but she is a grown woman so she will have to be the one to do something about it.

If you really want to speak with her, tell her. Make a list of concerns and frustrations. Do not attack her or accuse her, just tell her what you said here and how it makes you feel. It would be great if the 2 of you could go to a therapist and work on a new relationship with each other. The therapist will make it a safe place to share all feelings.

I am sending you peace and clarity.

God bless you! I totally understand. The reap what you sow, is taking
effect of her health and effecting you.
I completely agree with you on letting go of the dogs, when your grandchild has allergies. However, a majority of the people do not think logical. Very, very sad but true. They fly by the seat of their pants. Some will not let their pets go even when they have bitten a family member.

I would just take it for what it is..let go of the anger, Love her for who she is and readjust your expectations. I know your pain, because I have an only
child and I thought that things would be different when I moved closer to family members (spending time..yadda..yadda)
However, It did not change. The only thing I can change is my attitude...
and sadly move on.

So in the meantime, see her once a month..if that is all she can do..
send her letters, cards..and you fulfil your families life, by meeting new
friends, chruch members, etc...There are many People that are waiting
to be a Surogate grandparent :)

I am doing the same thing! I have an only and feel so bad when my
family seems to not meet my expectations. I have just realized it is what
it is..and get involved elsewhere.

You are soo not alone! Love is not limited by family...reach out and it
will come to you! Promise ;)

PS:Also, you need to make it clear that your child is SEVERLY allergic
and cannot compromise his health if the dogs are there.
Let her make the choice..If it is not a good one...Move gently on towards
those with wisdom and love for your family!

I will tell you I feel similar to you with my own mother. My mom is in her 70s and due to her lifestyle of lack of activity and poor diet, and genetic history, my mother suffers numerous degenerating and debilitating illnesses, that keep her rooted to her house. I have never had and will never have a mom who wants to go shopping for a layette, do lunch with me and my babies, or even chit chat on the phone about the grandkids (she'll bring up my brothers' kids when I start to talk about mine, so I don't enjoy the sense of competition this makes). Part of it is her aging and her battles with assorted diseases; she's getting old and very focused on herself. Part of it is her personality. Funny thing is, this may have made me a very strong, independent woman. Downfall is that I try to do it all without asking for help, even if I could use it!

Getting back to you, just keep reminding your mom that allergies are deadly, that your child may not outgrow them. It IS like having another child; parents, as they age, certainly do regress. So resign yourself to only being able to visit them and stay in a hotel. Try to make it into a vacation where you get to sightsee in their area if you can. And don't feel guilty if you can only do this once or twice a year, or only on special occasions. Make the most of the relationship that will be, and try to move your focus away from the relationship that you may wish for but isn't likely to be.

I hope this helps.

Agree with the other post. I had a vision of the kind of grandparents my son would have and it's WAY less great than what I had thought. Both sets of grandparents work, both sets love our son, one set loves him during photo ops but is unavailable most of the rest of the time. By readjusting our expectations and setting our own limits on time, their needs vs. his needs, etc. our lives are much simpler. It's not easy, there were some tense moments and uncomfortable converstations, but it's better now. One of the major problems was trying to help them remember that with a baby we can' t just drop stuff to run over to see them or keep him up late because they were "running late" (by a lot of time). It's your job to manage your family not the adults surrounding your family.

Lisa,

I'm sorry to hear people have called you "selfish," but I think it would help if you talked to a therapist about some of these feelings, including your resentment about the pets. I can relate to your situation on several levels. I have two elderly dogs (17 and almost 15) and a son with allergies (not as severe as your son's). My dogs have caused some tension in my family because my parents refuse to have dogs that shed in their home or cabin. They also hassle me to have them euthanized although they are still doing pretty well for dogs of their age (with some medicinal help). I can't have anyone stay here to take care of my kids when we go out of town because someone stays here with the dogs. The kids have to go to someone else's house or my parents' cabin and it can make the arrangements a little more challenging. I know it sounds like why do I keep these dogs, but to me they are a part of the family (not as important as people of course, but still part of the family), and I made a commitment to them when I got them. They are also my constant companions. I have mostly learned to tune out the negative comments about my pets and don't hold it against my parents. We have also been able to make accomodations so that we can keep the dogs without compromising our son's health.

My mom also has serious health issues, some of them brought on by her own bad habits (weight and Type II diabetes) and others beyond her control (too many to list). It helped me to talk to a therapist to learn that some things are beyond our control and we can't take on what others may have done to themselves. The therapist also gave me some coping strategies for when I got stressed out over things beyond my control.

I don't think your mom has chosen her pets over her grandson, especially since you live so far away, but maybe you can also give her some information (perhaps provided by your son's doctor) that would help her to understand the nature of your son's allergies, small steps she can take to help and to realize that he may not "grow out of them." It sounds like her pets help her to cope with her own struggles. Unfortunately, I think many grandparents can get critical or judgmental. In my family, I think it's because they don't understand why I don't do things the way they did it. A therapist may be able to help you tune out the criticisms or respond appropriately.

Good luck and best wishes for better health for your mom and your son.

I would suggest you consider seeing a counselor and talking to her about your feelings about your mother. Everything you describe here about your mother are normal parts of aging, having to let go of expectations as physical deterioration with age take it's toll, and her normal need for and reasonable expectation for companionship in her daily life.

It makes sense that she chooses something in her life every day over something that she once in a while gets to visit or gets a visit from. Many, if not most people can't really stay with their parents for one reason or another when they go back to visit.

She's lived a full like, she's getting up there in years, and her knees aren't going to magically work better because you wish they would. It's frustrating to watch someone deteriorate, but at the same time, it's important to remember that it will happen. At best you're talking about a difference in a few years of life, that she may not consider worth the pain it would cost her to change. You can't really force her to change that equation or value those few years more than the pain and emotional strain it would take her.

That said, she does sound like she needs some education that allergies are likely to never go away, and that the child will probably never grow out of it, but she's welcome to come visit you, if she feels up to it.

But at the end of the day, I think you need help from a professional with coming to terms with the gradual normal process of losing your mother. You seem to have a lot of expectations for her that she's likely to be unable to meet increasingly over the future. So you could use help finding the balance between your frustrations needing expression, and your need to let go of various expectations that aren't yours to control or affect, and aren't likely to be met.

Although I agree she should make more effort to come and see you some of the time, asking her to give away pets she has had for 10 years is just selfish and totally unreasonable, unless your son is going to be living in her home. She loves her pets, and they keep her company everyday. Pets have also been shown to help people live longer. She should not put any blame or guilt on your son for having an allergy though. So I would talk to her about it so she does not say something you would not want your child to hear. I would always choose my child over my dog, but giving him away would tear out a part of my heart. If my child was an adult who only visited from time to time and wanted me to get rid of the dog, I would say no. If you are a true animal lover you will understand that a pet is a part of the family. She needs to do more to visit and better accommodate your sons allergy when you visit, but asking her to give away part of her family for the few times a year you come up is just unfair.

I'm sure there are lots of situations you've experienced that you haven't listed here, but the one that you did doesn't explain the situation very well. There is no reason your parents, who live 4 hours away, should have to give up their pets. To ask them to is quite unreasonable and illogical - it is not like you need her to babysit or that she is your nanny, and your son spends weekly visits there - she lives a long way away and those dogs are her companions. It seems pretty selfish of you to ask her to give them up so that you can occasionally visit without staying in a hotel.

However, having said that, she needs to understand the reality of your situation. Putting the blame on your son for his allergies is not helpful or useful, and while some people do outgrow allergies, people also grow into allergies (I was diagnosed with my dog allergy in college, after having dogs all my life. Luckily, it is manageable, while your son's seems to be at least currently very severe). There is no guarantee that you son will outgrow this allergy, and you need to make that very clear to her. Any time she asks, repeat, "He won't outgrow it, Mom. As long as your dogs are alive, he won't be able to come stay with you. I'm sorry, but you can always visit us here." Don't be angry or frustrated with her, or say she chose her dogs over your son - she didn't. But certain sacrifices come with having them.

As for her health - well, sadly, you can't do anything about that, except perhaps be a little bit less sympathetic. When your mom begins complaining, tell her you're sorry that she is unwell, and perhaps a change of diet or walking the dogs more regularly would help. Then tell her you have something you need to do, it was good to talk to her, and hang up. Repeat as many times as necessary. If she doesn't get the sympathy she wants from you, she should eventually get a clue. If not, well, at least you won't have to listen to it.

I really liked someone's idea about using a webcam. Then, your mom can see and talk to your baby more often. But living 4 hours apart and having your own family, it is only natural that you and your mother will grow apart some. Keep trying to keep that connection, but don't put up with behavior that you find offensive. Since you are so far apart, when things start to get uncomfortable, hang up. It's hard for us (we always feel like we have to take care of our parents), but your mom is a big girl who managed to raise you, and she'll have to take care of herself now, too. Good luck.

You know you need to be honest with her, so do it. You owe it to your relationship with her and your son's relationship with his grandparents.

I never had a wonderful relationship with my folks, and it worsened when I became a parent. My hubby and I decided that we did not want my son to be alone with my father; it was a sad realization. I had a straight-out conversation with my dad, and now things finally feel right. I dreaded that conversation for months but knew that it should happen. I feel like a big girl for owning my feelings and sharing them with him, and now he knows what he can do differently (if he chooses to, which, gladly, he does). I do not regret the conversation, however awkward it was at the time.

Who knows... maybe no one ever told her that they want her to be healthy so they can be with her longer. That's a powerful message that is filled with love and genuine concern. As far as the dogs... I don't have any good answers... we rarely have family gatherings at our house due to other family members' allergies. It's just one of those things that we had to come to terms with because we were not willing to give up our pet for the three-five annual gatherings/year. Your parents can accept that you guys won't be subjecting your son to misery, if you bring this up during your big talk.

Because you love your folks, I trust that things will all work out. Peace!

My teen daughter and I live a long distance apart and what has really brought us closer is that we webcam each other and share photos on Facebook almost daily. I also text message her since she's into that. If your mom sits home so much, would she be open to using the latest technology to keep in touch rather than the phone? Maybe if she visually sees daily how much her grandson is growing, she'll want to visit more or make compromises to see you more:)

M.

I feel like your post is very similar to my life right now. My father died when I was 19 so all I have for a grandparent on that side is my mom (69 yrs old) and she doesn't take care of herself. She and her new husband eat out at restaurants 2 meals a day and she's overweight. She also has Parkinson's Disease which could possibly be helped if she exercised and ate better but she rarely does that. I mostly just feel angry at her for the situation all the time. She does come and visit the kids so I'm grateful for that but she's so tired and weak all the time, she can only stay for an hour or so. I sat down and talked with her about it once just to say my peace. She didn't change her ways but I figure she knows how I feel about it. After that, I had to try to let it go or it really just hurts me. I sometimes still feel angry but it is what it is. So that's all you can really do, let her know how you feel and continue to invite her to come and stay with you. You won't be able to change someone else. I am a little grateful for the experience as a whole because I am resolute that I will take care of myself and my health so I can be there for my children someday where she is not. Good luck and you're not alone!

I too have had issues with my mom, so I understand. I have come to learn that it is a matter of be able to change what I can, accept what I can't & learning the difference between the two! I can't change my mom, so
I accept her, weird as it may get.....choosing pets (her too), refuses to wake up prior to 12:00pm, which limits our visits, won't drive after dark, which limits our visits, won't stay here cuz her dog can't stay inside....etc...so I see her when we can & just look forward to the next one rather than dwell on the ones we aren't getting....I would just let her know that you expect tyhe same from her..as in son may never out grow the allergy & so accomadations will just have to be made. Best of luck...Oh as for her eating, well that is very personal and until she is prepared to face her emotional issues, you really can only accept. :)

I say sit your mom down and have a heart to heart. You can't change the way she is but you are the one with the child and for her to expect you to have to make all the exceptions is ridiculous. As for the dogs, no she doesn't have to get rid of them but it wouldn't be that hard for her to come see you. 4 hours is nothing...tell her to take a bus or train so she can read or do a hobby. I really don't want to expose my son to my mil smoking so she comes here (by train) or we stay outside when at her house and stay with friends. My fil doesn't drive (not sure I really understand why) but could take a bus here but never does, then gives us a guilt trip when we don't come there. I have told my husband that the highway goes both ways and it is a lot easier for him (he doesn't work) to get here than for us to get there. It will only get worse now that we have a second on the way but I don't feel the least bit guilty. They are perfectly capable of getting here to see their grandson and I will not expose him to anything harmful just to see his grandparents, and they need to understand that. My parents on the other hand drove 12 hours to spend Christmas with us when he was one so we didn't have to try to travel. I think you might be putting a little more pressure on yourself and letting your mom get to you but you nee dto stop doing that. You do the best you can and be happy with that!

I haven't read any other responses, yet, but wanted to share that it sounds like your mother is a narcissist. That's not a judgment about her, it's an observation. I have a narcissistic mom, and the thing I learned over the years is that things are always about her. It made me mad, then sad over time, because I felt like I never get/got the support I wanted from a "mother." In many ways, I feel I'm more the parent than she is. Having said that, I know my mom loves me and supports me the way she knows how to - and, that's by having it most often come back to her. I had to let go of the wants I had of her; I'm never going to get them. There's really no use in trying to get her to meet you "half-way," because in her mind, there's nothing broken.

The peace I've made with my own mother-daughter relationship is that my mom is who she is. I accept that we don't have 50-50. I accept that things aren't going to happen unless it's her idea. I accept that she's not going to bend, give, or prioritize anything that's not her idea. It's hard, but I've learned to not take it personally -- AND, to not put myself in a position where I know I'm going to be on the short end of her stick.

If you can eventually accept that it's about her (and mourn that inequity), then you can find peace with it and with her. Since I've learned to let go of "fixing" my mom and accepting her, it's been much easier to feel ease with her again. And, I've learned how to make her feel accepted, which is a very nice feeling.

Hi! Just a quick response from me since it is bed time here. But I just wanted to respond to the par about the dogs. Your expect your mother to give up her pets of over 10 years to be able to have you spend the night there a couple times a year? That does not seem reasonable or fair. But there is no excuse for them not coming to visit YOU in your pet-free home. Some kids DO grow out of their allergies, but I agree that adds pressure.

Sounds like you need to have another talk with her and put it on the line: We just can't see you as often as we would like because of your dogs. Why don't you come here instead?

My in-laws and my own parents do not meet my expectations for grandparenthood. So it may be just an adjustment on everyone's part that we do what we need to for ourselves (our own immediate family) and everyone's expectations just have to be set asside.