Having Trouble with Lying

Ah, this is a developmental stage. she is actually not "lying." Mor likely she is practicing her new sense of imagination. so be cler about when the truth is needed and start writing stories together. Help her find the differnece between pretend and reality.

The only thing that has worked for me & my almost 5 year old daughter is this. I would purposely "not believe" her when she told me something - even if it was as simple as she liked her lunch. This really upset her & I explained that I wanted to believe her, but that she had lied to me & that had made my trust for go away. I told her the Boy Who Cried Wolf story & showed her how it was the same thing. She has been much more trustworthy since then. When there are slip-ups, I go back to "not believing" her again. It has worked really well. It's the best way I could think of to teach her the natural consequence of her actions. Kids always learn better through experience than by us talking about a principle.

It is very normal at this age to start testing the truth. I wouldn't call them out and out lies, but rearranging the truth to suit themselves. It can be fixed though. All kids I think go through this.
I went through with my daughter who is 7. From here on out, double check everything she tells you in front of her, follow it up with "I hate doing this, however you have lied so many times I do not know how to believe you anymore". Punishment for lying in my house is immediate going to bed, no matter what time it is if it is a big lie. No exceptions. I have been very firm about lying and told my kids lying keeps anyone from every thinking you are able to be trusted. I told them when you lie you are headed down a path of self destruction and I will not tolerate liars. May sound harsh but growing up that was one thing we got in a lot of trouble for.

For those six months I could tell when she was lying, I would look her in the eyes and say "now, is this the story you are staying with? I am giving you one chance right now to be honest, if you lie then the punishment will be severe, so now, do you want to change what you just said with the truth?"...if she proceeds to lie, I find proof of her lie and (not always just assume). A breakthrough came when she developed a conscience during these routines of ours and would fess up immediately or start telling me something like "you know, I am not sure if this is true but..."..then it led to "I know I am going to get into trouble but I want to be honest"...so it is a gradual process and you have to stand firm, consistent and let her EARN your trust back.

It is a rule here too that they may get into trouble for telling me the truth if it is something bad, but lying will make it way worse!
I also told them (like we all know) that moms ALWAYS find a way of finding out the truth so to avoid more punishment it is best to be telling me the truth.

http://www.parents.com/preschoolers/discipline/discipline...

Hi J. - Here is an article you might be interested in on when little kids lie and steal. Be reassured that telling the truth is a developmental process that we as parents help to teach our kids. I encourage you to hang in there - she will grow out of this. Remember to teach rather than over-punish at this age.

Allow her to experience age-appropriate consequences. For example, rather than taking her word that her aunt said it was okay to come over, don't tell her you don't trust her, just go ahead and say something like - "since I didn't talk with her myself, let's call her together." When you get the message machine again, you could just say "she isnt answering so we'll call her again later to ask permission to come over." I would also suggest giving her the opportunity to apologize to her aunt for letting the dogs out.

I hope that helps you!!

Hey J.,
The only advice I have, which worked for my step daughter, is I would reward her for not lying. She finally figured out it was better to just tell the truth. I believe that age is just tough and she's testing her boundaries with you.

i was a horrible lier growing up. i remember getting in trouble for lieing, and also telling the truth. The reason i think i got into trouble for telling truths were because i had lied so much no one believed me. i remember the main reason i lied, which was to not get into trouble. my step-dad never realized the most affective way to get me to behave was to tell me how disappointed he was in me. he usually resorted to other forms of punishment including spankins. some ideas i have are: you can tell your daughter that no one will believe her even when she's telling the truth. tell her the story of the boy who cried wolf. tell her how disappointed you are. you can also make up a punishment chart that shows liers receiving the worst punishment. hope that helps. :)

I agree with Deb on this one !!!

Make sure the punishment fits the crime. For example, because she lied about going talking to her aunt, she does not get to play with any friends for a week or two. After that she will not be allowed to make the phone calls to play because you just can't trust her. Let her know that she has broken that trust and it will be hard to earn it back. Every time she lies you need to tell her that you can't trust her and make sure you follow through. Whenever she tells you she has done something make it clear that you can't just take her word for it because she has proven that she can't be trusted. It's important to give her the opportunity to earn your trust back, but she needs to know that losing someone's trust is a very bad thing. Let her know that the only way to earn your trust back is by telling the truth every single time. Every time she lies (and you will always have to be diligent on checking up on her) tell her she has violated your trust again. If she lies about something you can't verify, like hitting her brother when you are not there, tell her that you just can't take her word that she is telling the truth because she has been telling lies lately. She needs to learn that telling lies may seem easy now, but losing someone's trust just isn't worth it.

you can't get her to stop lying. that's something SHE needs to do.

she's 4. trust her to pick out her own clothes, set the table, feed the cat, maybe wipe her own butt. don't trust her to make plans for visiting people, getting there unattended, and being accountable for her actions. she is 4 years old. she has been alive only four years.

she can though, help you make plans, and even make a phone call under direct supervision. perhaps in her youth, she did not intentionally lie about the phone call. maybe she is just too young to understand that hearing a recording of someone's voice is not the same as talking to a real live person. perhaps she thought she had done it right. she's still a preschooler, after all.

A.

J.,
I, too, had a dd who had a problem with honesty. It started about the same age as your dd, and unfortunatly only escalated. We tried everything as well but just like your little girl, ours was very strong willed and just didn't seem to "get it". EIther that or she just didn't care. She was even put into school suspension because of her lying!! I actually encouraged her teacher to take such drastic action because by that point I was desperate. That one really hit her hard, but it didn't really stop her. I think she would think first after that, but kept on with the dishonesty. She's now 11 and I have to say things have pretty much calmed down. Like one of the other moms told you, it had to be HER that wanted to stop lying, her idea, her. She has come to me and expressed her guilt and how bad she feels that she lied so much and when I asked her if she knew why she did it, she said, "I don't know mom, I guess because I knew I could and because I knew I would live through the consequences". !!!!!!! Advice from me?? Love her, Love her, Love her. Don't stop with the disciplining and the taking away of priviledges, she needs to know you care enough to do something. I believe it's an age issue and will fade over the next few years. Involve a teacher or other adult, that gave me hope! Good luck!!

I loved the suggestion of loving her but coninuing to discipline when she lies. She is just at that age where kids realize they can lie... I remember in fact being 4 and coming to the realization that I could lie, and it was such a novel idea of course I was going to try it out! I snapped out of it once I found out how much the punishmnt stinks, my mom made me sit in the corner for 2 hours!! My best friend has stated the same thing, as she remembers lying about everything possible at that age, but her mom would make her sit in her room for a long time while everyone else was out having fun. so i would just try that, and stick with it. and you are right, trust less. its not mean at all especially when it comes to keeping your child safe.

I have the same trouble with my nine and a half year old. I know he's getting it from his father. I am at a loss too. I dicipline him by grounding and taking away favorite toys, ect. It doesn't seem to help at all. I'm anxious to hear the advice from every one else. I wish I could help!

Hi J., The very first thing I want to say is, WOW your daughter is smart!
I think that if she experiences consistent messages about the harm lying can cause she will out grow this habit. the old fable about the boy who cried wolf might be a good bedtime story to read to her.
She will get it, don't fret too much. C.

I have a 3.5 year old. She understands when mom and dad say she is "fibbing" - going a bit too far on the truth meter; she tries to push the boundary but we are consistent in our response to her. I remember as I raise my daughter what my parents always said "it is better to tell the truth NO MATTER WHAT, then tell a lie and face the circumstances of a poor choice." I would strongly suggest that as the parent you set the limits - i.e. take away the reward she thinks she is getting (playing with her cousin) for a short term - maybe a week or two. Let her see that you mean business in a firm but positive way, you love her and want to help her learn to make good decisions. Talk to her about what would have happened if she had waited to actually talk to her aunt, or told you that she only had left a message, her reward would have been DELAYED but not lost. By lying about it, her reward should be held back because of the decision she made to lie. At her age she may not grasp the consequences but if something had happened to her aunt's dogs or to the two kids playing in a house by themselves, it could have been much worse.
Best of luck.

My daughter is 4 October 9th and she is doing the same thing. She just has a problem with reality and I've been told that the best thing to do at this age (they are still young) is to teach them what is right (true) and what is wrong (the lie). Sometimes if they are punished for the lie it can backfire because she may not really understand what the difference is yet. If she does understand, then taking something away from her that she really loves might work for her. For sure, you are going to have to double check everything she says and use it as a learning tool.

I have just checked out a book from the Library called "Sarah's little ghosts", thinking it was for halloween, but actually a little ghost pops out of Sarah's mouth each time she tells a lie, starts off with her sneaking into her mom's room to try on her favorite neckalace and it breaks. The little ghosts get in her way and she discovers that the only way to get rid of them is to tell the truth. It's a cute story and may allow for a conversation about the book. just a title you may see if your local library has.

It will certainly be necessary to have limits and follow through with consequences. It's important that when your daughter is telling you something, you are focused on what she is saying, and repeating it back to her to let her know you are engaged in your conversation. And let her know up front that if what she is telling you is not the truth, the consequence will be ...... and make sure to follow through with it (without any personal judgments of her).

But MOST importantly, I would focus on the times when she is telling the truth. Find times when you like what she is telling you or how she is telling you something, especially something that doesn't necessarily benefit her. Positive reinforcement has a much longer lasting effect on kids. Say, for example, you ask her if she is done with her dinner (she knows she can't have dessert until she is). She says "no, not yet". Make a big deal about this- "wow, I'm really proud of you for telling me the truth about your dinner, I know that might have been hard for you". Something like that. It might not have actually been hard for her to tell you the truth about that, but the point is, you gave her a taste of what it's like to be praised for telling the truth. She'll remember that and it will start to pay off. You may have to look really hard for opportunities to say things like that- especially at first, but I promise it does get easier!

Good luck!