He Says He Hates Me and Hits Me. What Consequences Should He Be Given

honey, you need to get to the seat of the problem. the next time he takes a swing at you, paddle his behind for him. thats how things were done back in the dark ages when a child KNEW they would not get away with such nonsense.he is testing you to see what he can get away with. if he can swing at you and you dont punish him now, what are you going to do with him when he is 6 feet and 220 pounds ? put him in corner ? give me a break.
K. h.

I absolutely do NOT agree with the mom that advised you to call the police and have them scare him. Their job is not to parent your child, it's yours.

The answer to this is really going to vary based on your sons age. Could you possibly give an update to include the age?

Hi J.,
I'm assuming he's under 6. If that's the case, then I'd start by giving him a countdown to things he doesn't like, then giving him choices so he feels like he's more in control. For example, "3 minutes until we need to brush your teeth," then 2 minutes, then 1 minute, then "Time to brush your teeth, do you want the blue toothbrush or the red?" Also think about starting the routine earlier so he's not overtired. Our kids (5 and 2) start the bedtime routine around 7:30 and are in bed by 8. We still get the occasional "I hate you," but that's normal for toddlers/preschoolers - they like to push buttons and test limits. I usually just respond with, "Well, I love you no matter what, and it hurts my feelings when you talk like that" and then go on with whatever I was doing. As far as kicking/hitting, that gets an automatic time-out at our house - no warning, just "You hit me, and that is not allowed. You will sit in time-out for X minutes (X = child's age), and then you will apologize. If you hit again, you will get another time-out and you will lose Y (Y = favorite toy) for the rest of the day." If he refuses to go to time-out, pick him up and put him there. If he gets up, the clock starts over. It can take a long time to get X minutes the first time, but it's worth the effort - he will learn that you mean business if you stick with it. Good luck.

It depends a lot upon his age. At 2 - 4 yrs old that's par for the course and I think they all do it sometimes when they are mad and don't know what to do with the angry feelings.
My son pitched a fit a few times (usually if he was tired or hungry). I usually hauled him off to his room then sat him in my lap in the rocking chair (facing away from me - but watch the head butting) with a good grip on him then rocked him till he calmed down. Once the storm was over he'd usually want a snuggle (making up phase) and sometimes he'd take a nap. As he gets a little older, don't try talking about it right away (his feelings are still too raw and likely to ignite again). With my son, if he had a bad time getting to (or staying) in bed the night before, I'd talk to him about it lunch time next day ('Do you remember what happened last night? I didn't like it. What was that all about? What can we do so we don't have to go through that again?', etc). Hang in there!

I agree that I think he's just using a word that will get your attention. Teach him to use other words. Flesh out his vocabulary.

If you know that he is cranky, consider what needs to be done and what could be done. For example, if I know that forcing DD to brush her teeth right then would just be a fight, I tell her she has x minutes and then we'll brush our teeth together. Sometimes it's about control. Does she want her turn first? Okay then. She gets 1 minute and I get to check.

Sometimes DD just needs to calm down. If she's tired, she might do well to sit on my lap or sit on the couch for a few minutes. I might offer to read a book first, something quiet that would redirect her.

I use time-out, 1 minute per year of age, if she's hurting people. I have also told her she can have a tantrum, but somewhere else. She has tried following me around for an audience and I just leave or ignore her. Seems to make the tantrum shorter. Whatever you tell him, follow through.

Hang in there.

how old is he?
khairete
S.

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What kind of schedule do you keep with him. You mention when he is tired. Does he have a set nap time or bed time? Kids should not be left to decide for themselves when to relax and sleep. Once in a while as they get older but for the most part a set schedule is needed.

For example after lunch have them spend an hour in bedroom. They can play bur must stay in room for one hour.

For picking up toys you can't just command it. Play a game sit down on the floor and say things like hand me that so I can put it away. Let's race who can pick up the most. How many do you think I can pick up in 10 second and have them count for you then you for him.

Teeth brushing can be a bit trying. I used to tell lets make bubbles. Find out why he doesn't like the teeth brushing. Is the brush to hard, is the toothpaste to strong? Make sure you are not rushing this process. If you both just sitting in the bathroom for 15 mins then find no one leaves until the brush is in the mouth. It takes as long as it takes. But don't lose your temper.

Once the kicking starts in the bedroom they go. No coming out until they calm down and apologize. Remind them to use words so you know how they are feeling. You don't speak the language of the fit so you can't hear them, they have to speak your language.

Also about him tell you he hates you....tell him how that makes you feel. As what does he hate about you. That your trying to keep him safe and healthy...that is just what parents do. Sometimes us moms will do a pretend crying thing if it isn't real crying that is so help instill in them empathy. Let him see that he has hurt your feeling and then show him how to make it better.
Good luck.

Make sure he is safe (can't hurt himself), calmly state "It upsets me that you feel that way. I sure love you. When you calm down, we can talk about it". If he is trying to avoid picking up or brushing his teeth, walk him over to do what he is supposed to and help him so he is not avoiding the task. When things are calm, let him know that if he doesn't obey then he will begin losing time playing with or doing "(whatever his most treasured thing is)". Then stick to it.

If he treats you this way and not his mom too, I'd ask mom to stand up for you and tell him he can't treat you like that. When my daughter has said/done something to me, I've had my husband speak up. When she isn't nice to him, I tell her she cannot treat him like that and needs to apologize. I usually put her in time out.

The thrashing and kicking? Time out, ignore it and walk away. Make sure he's getting his naps and enough sleep at night since this happens more when he's tired and cranky. You can't reason with a kid who's upset, so don't try. If ignoring the behavior doesn't work, close him up in the bathroom until he's ready to listen to you. Make sure there's nothing dangerous in there--cords, breakables, chemicals. Stand nearby if he's younger, and don't leave him in there too long, just long enough to start calming down. Alternatively, you could always lock yourself in another room where he can't get to you.

Hang in there, Dad. Try making those activities that set him off a little more fun too. "let's see how fast you can pick up your toys" or "bet I can put away more than you can". Perhaps brush your teeth the same time he's brushing his. Age will make a difference and you'll get more specific answers if you share that.

I am assuming he is less than 6 or so. I would tell him he is allowed to be mad but he is not allowed to hit. You need to let him know what he is allowed to do when he is mad. Time out tells him you don't want him to hit (or be angry which he is entitled to be) but doesn't help him for next time. Things that we told DS he could do - stomp his feet and walk away for a minute, throw a ball (outside), hit a pillow.

It helps a lot to know and avoid what triggers this behavior - if he is tired, he needs more sleep: if he is hungry, feed him. It will go better if you are both on the same team and are trying to set him up for success rather than 'win'. Frequently what we did was a 'do-over' - eg - DS, I see you are really mad now, do you want to be mad? Him - noooooo (often starting to cry), me - ok, do you want a do over?. Him (usually, not always), yessss. Followed generally by a hug and tooth brushing or whatever.

It also works way better to do these things (brushing teeth, picking up toys, etc) together, rather than just telling him to go do them.

Most toddlers will say they hate you when they are mad. If it is true for them in the moment, then they are entitled. Many times they are just trying it out to see what happens. If you make a big deal about it, they will use it more frequently.

I do not use time outs, 'consequences' (other than the natural ones that will simply occur without my intervention), punishments or spanking. DS (just tuned 5) is not perfect (who is) but is a polite, well behaved child - frequently commented on by perfect strangers. So I would strongly disagree with the posters who feel that spanking and punishment are necessary.

Stay calm and don't get angry-try to do what you can-like tooth brushing before he is tired and cranky. Devise a schedule together and make a game out of sticking to it. Lay out his clothes at night-put the cereal bowls on the table and the juice glasses. Show him the importance of preparation-or tell him that after he dresses for the day-he needs to set the table. Even if it's a paper plate for a waffle and a knife and fork and napkin-it doesn't matter-let him be involved. It sounds like you're doing everything for him-show him what to do-then let him do it. Your goal is to make him self sufficient and capable of waiting on you if you live to old age! Teach him to make his bed and fold his clothes-show him how to put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher. Praise him when he attempts anything and don't be critical-above all-lead by example. Schedule fun time-and stuff you're going to do together-make a back up plan-if it rains and we can't go to the park-we'll rent a movie and make burgers and have a picnic in the living room. Good luck!

You don't say how old he is, but I'm guessing around 4? That seems fairly common behavior for that age group. Either way, just stay as calm as you can - I know, I know, sometimes you just wanna....well do things that nice parents shouldn't do! But stay calm, tell him calmly that he is not allowed to say those things. If he is in danger of hurting himself (or in public) or hurting you (I mean hitting you), then restrain him, otherwise, ignore him just like any other tantrum.

I know with my guys, when we went through this kind of stage, it worked best if the hubby and I remained calm. If we did have to restrain him, especially in public, it was best if we just scooped him up and walked away with little or nothing said. When they're in the full swing of it, it doesn't really matter what you say so much as how.

I do believe in time outs and I do think they work for most issues. This sounds like one of them. They say approx 1 minute for each year they are plus 2. And it only starts when they finally are sitting quietly wherever you put them. I've had a timeout last over an hour since he wouldn't sit quietly and kept getting up, etc. I calmly explained the rules and it took forever, but he finally sat still and served his time. That one was a breakthrough moment for him. He finally 'got' how the time out thing worked and although most time outs are never quick and easy, they became better.

Just be consistent in how you handle these events and keep your voice calm.

Good luck
J.

Seems you've gotten some really great advice.

I would suggest two things.

First, be sure to catch him in good behavior - notice when he responds nicely to a request you've made - the whole "catch them being good" idea. It takes quiet attention and observation by the parent, but often your kid just wants your attention.

My second piece of advice, which I wish I'd gotten, is notice and be cautious of your response. As mentioned by other posters, when you talk post-time out or think time, be sure that you are no longer upset. I would often have post-time-out conversations while I was still mad. As a result, I was not calm. My high-frustration-response did not help the situation at all. So, try not to take it personally and try to end the frustration-response cycle, which absolutely makes things worse.

Congratulations on noticing the behavior and wanting to change it and good luck.

I don't have advise on the hitting and kicking, but ask him if he knows what the word "hate" means. If he is young, which I assume he is, he may be using the word "hate" in place of mad, because he doesn't know the difference. If you say to him, "Do you know what 'hate' means? If you 'hate' something, you don't want to be around it or play with it and you never like it." (insert person on object in the conversation) I don't let my kids use that word because I feel it's to strong of a word for a child to understand. It's on our "not nice" list. He most likely doesn't understand what he is saying. Good luck!

I'm assuming your son is a toddler -- my answer would be different if he is older. First, he needs to go to his room until he calms down and then I would make him come out and sit in a chair while I told him that that behavior is unacceptable, telling him specifically what behavior. I would put him on time out according to his age (if he is three, then three minutes) and then if he is three or four, he has to tell you WHY he was put on time out. You ask him, "Can you tell me why you are on time out?" and he should say something like, "Because I hit you or kicked you or told you I hate you." Then, you say, "What are you going to do next time I tell you to clean up?" and he should say that he will clean up without a fuss. Then he HAS to do nicely what he was told to do at the beginning (clean up or brush his teeth or whatever). And then you really praise him for a job well done. It won't necessarily be foolproof the first time, but it will work with persistence.

It depends entirely on how old he is. We would need that info! If he's 2, then I would suggest putting him to be earlier and doing your best to avoid hitting the "over tired" phase. If he's 10... well, then he needs a really significant consequence.

I agree with Hartley's response and would add on to the last part. When he is calm, let him know that he is not allowed to hit you, and if he hits, he will go to time out. The next time he gets angry and hits, say, "I am sorry you are mad, I know you feel bad inside. You CAN NOT hit me. You are going to time out because you hit me." Put him in timeout for a couple of minutes (1 minute for each year - I'm assumign yoru son is a toddler). The first couple of times you have to teach him how to sit in time out. DONT lecture him during the time out - and, once he learns how to sit, DONT interact with him. If my son does not stay in time out, when the timer goes off, I tell him I am adding another minute because he did not sit. If he does not sit the next time, I take a toy away for a day - I put it on a high shelf where he can see it, but cant get it.

When he comes out of timeout, have him explain why he had to go to time out. Then have him say he is sorry and hug.

During the whole process, try really hard not to be angry and punitive - just matter of fact and calm. If you are angy and lose your temper, his behavior will escalate.

On the kicking and thrashing, I think I would pick my son up and and sort of hug him to keep him from hurting me and then put him in time out. As he kept running out, I think I would keep getting him and putting him back until he wore himself out a little. Then I would rock or cuddle him until he got calmed down and tell him I was sorry he felt so bad. Once he got calm, I would talk to him.

You can aleviate some of the problems by giving heads ups and choices. "You need to brush your teeth in 5 minutes. You can use my toothpaste or the kid toothpaste." I have been able to get my son to pick up toys in the evening by not letting him watch his evening tv show until he has picked up some toys.

Get a Love and Logic parenting book.

Good luck!

Kids should go to bed BEFORE they get overly tired. When kids are overly tired or need some down time, it is hard to reason with them. So if he typically starts this behavior at 8pm then at 7pm is when you should start the bed time routine like cleaning up toys, bath, brush teeth, read book then lights out.

It truly is hard to give you sound advice without his age and a little more info but here it goes; If he is behaving like this after plenty of rest then you can do a few things such as; hug the child & try to calm him down, time out, walk away till he calms down..........but no matter what it sounds like you really need a parenting class, usually you can find these classes at a local hospital, a park district or call your local elementary school ....best wishes