Healing and Telling the Kids

Why is it men seem to go through mid-life crisis a few times in their lifetime. marriage is something that has to be worked on and changes made constantly to grow closer together. Although we have been married 16 years there were times when we drifted apart and had to focus and see what changes needed to be made to make it work. We went through some rough years at about 8 years and at 10 years of marriage we grew closer and now we are closer than we ever were but if we would have given up then we would have never known that marriage can get stronger as you continue to work at it.

I had several friends go through this after being married 15-20 years and they gave up and didn't try to work it out. Try to get him to go to counseling and maybe be seperated for a while so he can focus on what is most important in his life. He may have some issues going on and just doesn't know how to cope with them and thinks this is the best way. I just can't ever believe someone can just fall out of love and not have any feelings anymore after being together that long. I think men just tell their wives that because they think it will make it easier for her but it is not easy for anyone. You are doing the right thing by trying to think of the kids and hopefully he will agree and work together with you to make these life changes easier for them.

K.,
I think you took a great approach to your husband's "hey I need to find myself" mid-marrige crisis. I've been married twice. First time 5 years and 2nd time we just completed our 25th. Men are fickle. About every 5 years and especially at the 8th and 15th they seem to get discouraged about their life and I think I have figured out why and I used an approach similar to yours and it worked the 2nd time. So I hope this will help you as well.

First, we all know by nature men are self-centered. Even the good ones - seems they just can help them selves. We all know there are 3 primary things of importance to men (and dogs); Sex, Food and Toys. When you are dating and before the kids are born putting them as priority one in our lives and meeting their basic needs of sex, food and toys is never a problem. After the kids are born they automatically have to come second based on our instint to protect the child first. The good guys take the change in pecking order on well even if they don't like it because they love their children but around the 5, 10, 15yr mark they start feeling sorry for themselves.

They begin wondering what they are missing, they now have alot of responsiblility and we usually just can't fit in their primary needs when they want it and if we try we are usually disgruntel because we had to do all the work quickly in order to fit them in which can lead to physical and emotional exhaustion for us. Then we become overwhelmed trying to meet all the needs and wants of both the husband and the kids and there is really very little joy in your life during this time because he doesn't make the effort he did when you were dating to help make his wishes come true.

The harder you try to hang on to a person during this time the further away you push them. You did the right thing - "tell him to go find his smile" because the man you have living here now is not the man you fell in love with and married. The kids are at an age that will be devastating to them so you have to prepare for that. They usually are mad at the mom because they know mom's love is unconditional and they can say what they want to you and you just try to make them feel better. Dad on the other hand they have learned they need to please in order to receive affection so they will be asking alot of questions and want you to fix it as you have always done. Here is a tip - Kid's just want to know that they will be alright....tell them that and don't go into alot of detail (you don't have the answers right now anyway). Then, go get a new hair style (right afterwards). I know it sounds crazy but this does two things.

It brings in a suttle change into the family dynamics - go with something a little wild but not excessive -- think about preparing for dating! Yes, don't say anything but this change usually makes men a little nervous anyway. See remember it is all about them and now you are taking control but, only of yourself and he will wonder why. All you do is say, Oh, I just felt like I also need a little change in my life (say nothing more).

Next, you should both sit down with the kids and let them know that daddy is going to be leaving for a little while to think about what makes him happy in life besides his family. He needs time alone to work through alot of problems he is having right now and we all want daddy to be happy, right? Yes, because we all know when daddy is happy everyone is happy right? You don't want him to be sad do you? Me either, we know he loves US but he needs some time to work through some problems and he will see you in a couple of weeks. (don't let him talk or see the kids for 2 weeks - give him no excuses to drag this thing out -- his task is to make decisions). You job is to help do that by not complicating things with emotion so he has to take on the full responsibilitiy for his actions and decisions. Meanwhile, buy a new skirt (yes skirt - a fun blue jean skirt or white summer skirt and put a bright blouse on to complement your new hair do). Now he will seeing that you too are starting to make changes and preparations for whatever decision he makes (but you say nothing). Also, during this 2 weeks do not let him come to the house -- in fact you cannot answer any calls (you are too busy right now). If he shows up and uses his key to get in the house - remind him that he needs to call first as he is not living here now (play on the you startle me and the kids -- just like someone else that would walk in the door --- knock or call first).

Funny thing happens when they start feeling like an outsider within their family. It helps them quickly adjust to being single again. Noone there to greet them with a smile, no warm dinners on the table, he has to shave and dress up and go out and find attention....hey he isn't getting any younger either. Even if he does engage in the primary need (Sex) so he can be a stud, it won't be the same as being with you. It will be fun at first but, he should soon realize that at his age he really hasn't been missing much. Now, your probably thinking, but I might loose him about now, right?

By the time he is gone about 3 weeks you will probably have decided, hey this is all too bad. I only have to worry about me and the kids (little more free time for you). And, you are probably feeling a little more rested, even under the stress, so you might even treat yourself to a girls night out for dinner or happy hour. My gosh you might even realize men are looking at you and smile a bit. By the 4th week you will have conditioned yourself to feel --- hey I can live without him and there are some good points to being alone (as long as he sends me some money for the kids).

Remeber the basic needs of the male are; sex, food and toys. The other discovery I made about men is, they want what they cannot have and they usually always marry for love. Once he see's that you are independent and your world hasn't shattered and in his mind he thinks someone else could possibly take his place.

Do not have sex with him do not feed him and do not let him come to the house during this time. Be nice, think of him as a nice guy you just met but are not dating. By now the kids will also feel better because they will be feeding off your confidence that everything will be alright. And if it is gods will you two will begin discussions about next steps. You will be able to tell which direction he is leaning and you will know where you want to take the relationship. So you both will begin conversations about next steps, which I recommend you start only with a dinner out alone. See if he is really the person you want to spend the rest of you life with because you deserve a good life as well.

During our 15th year of marriage, I admit I was shocked, disappointed in his weakness and selfishness and using this method although it was tough I really thought by the 4th week I would be better off and happier without him. I think he sensed this and asked to come home. We just celebrated our 25th and we have only had that one bad year.....I was tough and for the first time put my happiness in front of his and the kids and for some odd reason, it actually worked.

I wish you well.

Although it is a hard fact to face, K., if one half (your husband) of the party is miserable, the other half (you) cannot possibly be happy.

I believe you had your sights set too low for the happiness you deserve. But it sure sounds like you have your head on straight going forward! Hoorah for you!

Concentrate on your children as first priority, get through the divorce, and believe me, you will find a man that is so crazy about you that you will be asking yourself "Why did I think I was happy before??"

Stay strong.

Ann-Marie

We've all heard that when one door closes, another opens. However true that is, it doesn't help if you don't know how to use that philosophy in a practical way. There is a way to use language in order to keep everyone's focus on the door that is opening, with curiosity and faith, looking forward with a sense of adventure into the unknown. For the children's sake, I suggest that you do not approach it as if the family is fragmenting. I suggest taking an attitude of experimenting. Try not to rush into decisions of finality. See if your husband will treat the whole process as an experiment. If the two of you can agree on seeing this as an experiment, it won't be as scary for you or the children. You can simply tell them that you are going to be adventurous and try to find a way that the family can grow and develop and branch out. But, assure them that everyone is loved and respected and that the well-being of everyone involved is very important and will be monitored. You might even make a plan to get together with the kids on a regular basis, maybe monthly, to hear their thoughts and feelings and reflect on how the experiment is working for everyone. If they see you have already made a plan to take care of them through this process, they will likely feel much more secure. So many couples are so caught up in their own feelings about such things that the children feel quite abandoned through it all.

This can be difficult to accomplish if you are strapped with the emotions that go along with the situation you are facing. As you are dealing with the transformation and possible completion of the marital relationship, you are wise to maintain and develop an even more powerful parental relationship. It is very important for you to have time to get yourself very clear about all of this before you put yourself in the position of helping your children with their processes.

You might suggest to your husband that you need a bit more time to get yourself in balance. I highly recommend seeing and EFT (emofree.com) practitioner. You will likely be able to handle the situation in the way you truly want to when the emotions are not overwhelming you. Tell him that you truly want to support and respect his feelings and his needs, but since you will largely be left to support the children, you need to prepare yourself. From what you have written, you both seem very reasonable. Find the help you need and give yourself at least a couple of weeks or a month to stabilize yourself and get a clear focus.

After all, people plan weddings for months. Don't you want to be prepared to separate as carefully and gracefully as possible? Separations are at least twice as tricky as weddings!! Ask your husband if, after all that the two of you have invested in building this family, if it isn't better to slow this whole thing down and to work it all out at a caring and more graceful pace. If you can show him that you truly respect his feelings and are willing to support his true happiness, he should at least be willing to allow you what you need to be able to gather your dignity and get a clear focus on how to approach it all.

If you can see this all as an experiment, there really is no telling what you might learn about yourselves and about each other in the process. Be fair to everyone, including yourself.

Staying friends for the kids, what a concept. Easier said than done however. I truely hope you can achieve that but you do have to understand that you aren't through all the stages of the divorce yet. YOU thought you were happily married, he's had time to get through a few of the initial states, mourning(it is a death of a relationship), denial, ANGER(trust me, that will come)acceptance and finally moving on with your life.

You may have started into some of these stages, but you will have to advance through them all to heal. My anger stage lasted 2 years, it took me 5 total years to go through all of it, and heal. THEN, I got divorced. My ex husband and I were together 15 years, the last 5 I went though the process of realizing the death of our marriage, mourning it and finally accepting it. He drank heavily during that time and so apparently had no clue it was going this direction, even though I'd told him when he refused alcohol treatment and counciling.
ONE thing I know is that your kids will go through alot of emotional turmoil, even if they know it was the best thing to do. Family counceling would be a good idea. It will help you and them deal with what is going on.
Staying "friends" with you ex should take 2nd place to making sure the children are doing ok. I'm not saying to actively fight with you ex over anything, be civil and the adult. Things can get really complicated and you may not be able to remain friendly.
I'm sorry for your loss.

My heart goes out to you. I went through it 12 years ago. The only thing that will help right now is to remember to breathe - in - and - out. When things get to overwhelming just do that. And if you have faith in God - Lean on Him.

You will find some blame in yourself probably but relationships take two - to make work and unfortunately only one to destroy. I hope your husband will change his mind. I will be praying for you.

Being a sigle mom of 16 and 17 year old sons it has been hard. But things are going great and the hardest thing to do is to not give in. Don't let them get away with things because you are depressed or just don't want to be the bad guy or you feel guilty for the situation. This IS a teaching moment for your children. They will watch you and how you deal with tragedy. Cry with them. (I did for a year) But then, wipe the tears away, get up, wipe off your knees and get living.

If things don't work out, the most important thing when going through this is no matter what (Mr. wonderfu walks in) don't date for about two years after the divorce is over. You need time to heal yourself and your children. And having someone else in the lives of your kids right now is just too much. They are getting ready to enter the hardest stage of their life (teen years). They need you to put them first - just be their mom and love them.

God Bless you K. and your children,
L. B

(feel free to write if you'd like)

The hardest part of any relationship ending is that it is hard to deal with rejection. I've been there in many significant and minor relationships. I've never really learned entirely how to shake it off. Rejection hurts and I don't think pretending it doesn't will help. I think that it's important to reflect on where things may have gone wrong. Usually we are to blame for our parts and they are to blame for their parts. If we can learn something from our mistakes that's great. But sometimes it's ALL on them. Sometimes the other person simply lacks committment skills and they are unhappy people, drama kings and queens and they are looking to get out of a relationship they have no desire or energy to fix. People have this uncanny way of thinking that when they change their situations their problems will magically dissappear. It's on their head when they find out otherwise!

I think as far as the kids go you should be honest. They are old enough to hear the truth of the situation. And I don't mean that you should undermine their relationship with their father. But their father is ducking out on them and they will feel rejected. So they need to go through the same stages of grief as you will and they will have questions. Don't sugar coat it.

I think one of the most overlooked pieces of advice is that you will need to sift through all the advice and just take what you can use. You will hear so many opinions from others. In the end only you can choose what's right for you. Please don't let people make you feel guilty. I've had people try and change my mind on the way I handle things in my life for YEARS! Opinions are like certain parts of our anatomies. Everyone has one. If something a person say's strikes a chord with you, explore it, think about it, pray about it and then if you want act on it. If not, just realize that it's not for you and sluff it off.

Suzi

My heart goes out to you. I agree that you must be honest with your children, keep an open dialogue with them and perhaps you could look for a teen support group for your daughter. My advice is to just keep a very close eye on the kids and how they are coping, but be carful not to over excuse their behavior. I have seen this happen with several friends, including my brother and his ex wife. Now they are dealing with the backlash of that.
I wish you all the best and while you should be strong for your children it is ok to show them that you are hurting too, this will help them identify their feelings a little better.
Don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help. We all need from time to time!

Hi K.,
I just wanted to tell you how amazing you must be. Way to go putting the kids first! It honestly is better for all of you if you can be amicable. I don't know that you have to be "friends" but being decent to each other is so important for the kids. I would recomend family counseling for all of you together and maybe seperate. Just make sure to let the kids know that you guys both love each of them and that it isnt their fault in any way. Expect the kids to start to act out, and be loving but firm with them. My heart goes out to you and your family will be in my prayers!

I agree with a lot of these and my heart goes out to you as well. Its very painful. If you thought you were happily married til 3 weeks ago, have you thought about what has happened in his life lately? It sounds like maybe a traumtic event or another women. Men usually don't leave a relationship unless one of those. I wish you luck and hate that for your family.

Your husband needs to get a life. Marriage is a cycle of falling in and out of love. Mid-life is a tough time for women too, he isn't the only one wrestling with life's changes. Try marriage counselling first, but by all means, be careful to get a good counsellor. You owe your kids THAT!! He is being a jerk, but perhaps he is just wrestling with things and a good counsellor could help you heal and rediscover what brought you together to produce your precious children. Men are amazingly self absorbed, poor communicators usually, and alot of them are emotionally retarded. If he will not agree to counselling, then toughen up, and go on with your life. He is the one losing out. You have dignity, and have much to be proud of. You loved truly and genuinely, and gave it your all. As far as the children, I would let HIM explain this to them, and insist that you be present when he does. After all, the separation was his idea. Don't take on explaining something you can't. He owes this to his own children, and should be the one to have to squirm at his own behavior. Knowing how HE explains it will help you know how to help your children heal as well. I will pray for you, girl. Hold your head up. Be strong. Everything happens for a reason, and doors open when others close. There are a lot of us women out here who have been discarded by our husbands. We just hang on to each other, hug our children close, and keep going!!

PS: I am a mother of 3 boys, 8,7 and 5, and am living a similar nightmare. Their dad is in alcohol rehab and I can see all the signs that he is planning to leave us too. Actually, I can't wait.

You will get through this! just keep that in the back of your mind. My husband left us 2 days before Christmas, we took a hell-ridden 4 month break - but it honestly proved to be a blessing in disguise. we have a much stronger marriage now. However, his 1st marriage didn't work out so well - but he did show me that it is possible to be get along with the ex. We have a very amicable relationship with her. it's not always easy, but if you simply remember the most important people in the entire situation are the children then it can be done.
As for your healing - I found an incredible book called Separated & Waiting (amazon.com). This book helped me through sad and angry nights by myself. It was incredible for me. I'm not sure you are religious or belong to a church, but I turned to my church - made sure I was there every Sunday to hear the sermon & for my kids to have Sunday School. Only a couple people knew in our church, but they called or emailed every once in awhile to check in. I also kept a scripture journal - every scripture I heard that felt encouraging, I wrote it down. It was amazing how just reading through encouraging and positive scriptures could get me through the toughest of days. lastly & most importantly, my husband sought out a great therapist - that we continue to see now. I hate to say he saved our marriage, but he brought us back together to reconnect.
As for telling our little ones & my stepson - we simply told them that Daddy wasn't going to be living with us for awhile. (My stepson understood & obvioulsy knew what was going on.) I felt very strongly that until we decided the final outcome, I did not want them to see his apt. or where he was living. He came to visit a couple times a week, so they still got to see them. He travels a lot w/work, so they really didn't think too much of it.
The hardest part is the anger & raising the kids on your own - but again, just remember, you WILL get through this. good luck!!

I was 13 years old when my dad left and my brother was 7. We are now 24 and 18 years old. I was interested by your posting because my dad said the exact same things. I want you to know that if your husband loved you 13 years ago then he did love you your whole marriage. It's just a cop out.

I am not sure if you are Christians or not but I would definitely recommend attending church and getting connected during this crucial time. I cried everyday when my dad left and becoming involved in a church was what got me through. It is why I am who I am today.

Another piece of advice to you is even though your 13 year old may be mature be VERY careful what you share with her. My mom confided in me and made me her best friend at 13...in turn this damaged me emotionally for a while. A 13 year old does not need to know every detail of what is going on. Rely on your friends for advice and comfort. Today my mom and I are best friends but for a while I had felt like I was the one going through the separation/divorce because she shared so much.

I will pray for your family. Do consider counseling for your children and you and your husband. If you are Christians, look for a Christian counselor. If I can be of any assistance, please let me know. I've been through this experience!

You are special and God loves you very much. Good christian counseling would not be a bad option here. As far as your children go,the best thing to do is just be open and honest. Let them know it's ok to ask questions. This doesn't mean you need to tell them everything, because you do need to protect your children emotionally, but just tell them what they need to know. Make sure they know they are not the reason you two are getting a divorce. You may even just try a trial separation to clear your heads and find out what the real issue is. Dealing with this head-on is the best way to handle this, so that healing CAN start now. Let your kids know you are both there; don't cut them off and say "I don't want to talk about this anymore" once you separate. It is important to keep your relationship open and honest with them.

I am so sorry to hear this for you! You will be in my prayers.
I personally believe that the marriage vow is sacred and not meant to be broken. I have a strong faith and rely on God to guide me in my marriage, as a mother, daughter, etc. I have been married for 5 years, and we have seen a counselor on a few occasions (at two different times) to work through some issues. This has helped us immensely! I would suggest asking your husband to seek counseling with you.
It really is not fair for him to shock you with this out of the blue. That indictes, to me at least, that there has been a major breakdown in communication on his part, maybe yours too.
You and YOUR FAMILY deserve a chance to work things out and make some changes. His happiness is not dependent on you and your marraige. He is ultimately responsible for his own happiness. He needs to be able to work through his unhappiness WHILE remaining committed to the vow he made to you and your family. Remind him, as gently as you can, that he has a responsibility to his family, to you, and to himself. He is not going to feel good about himself if he bails out on the most important job he has, being a father and a husband.
If he is resisntant to counseling and trying to work things out, then get some counseling for yourself and your kids to get through. I utilized the Employee Assistance Program at my job for us. It is free to employees and their family members. If you are not employed, then check with your husband's employer to see if they have EAP benefits. They probably do. If he won't go, then insist that he take the steps for you and your kids to go.
Good luck and God Bless you and your family at this time.

I'm sorry to hear you're having to go through this situation. It must really STINK! I've only been married 6 years, but I think I would tell him to not let the door hit him on the way out! I think you're doing the right thing telling him to get his act together and decide what he wants, because it's not fair to keep you and the kids in "limbo" while he's figuring out where he is. Remind yourself that it is NOT your fault, and surround yourself (and your kids) with a support system...friends, family, counselor, church, etc. Try not to "bad mouth" him to the kids, of course, because that just causes more problems. If you guys are able to remain on good terms while apart your kids will benefit from this. It's not easy, but you're doing the right thing trying to remain friends with their father--you'll be their parents "forever", and therefore will have to communicate about the kids for a long time to come. On a closing note, it sounds like letting him go and be happy is the most loving thing you could do for him, and maybe that knowledge will help you feel even a little better about the whole mess too. Hang in there!!

My heart brakes for you K....would your husband be willing to marriage counceling? He doesn't have to live with you during the counceling sessions but it may help both of you find out what is "wrong" with your marriage and maybe even able to rectify it or help you to understand each other better and remain friends if you do divorce. My husband and I have had several friends in the same situation and with some of them counceling helped and thier marriages are stronger. Unfortunately with others it did not work, but helped them respect each other more for the kids sakes.

If you are members of a church, they may have a councelor you can see or recommend one for you. Don't give up so easily yet, if you love him fight for him. He may just be going thru one of those "mid-life" crisis/challenges. Good luck and God Bless.

I went through almost the exact same thing almost 2 years ago. My ex-husband told me that he was unhappy and he was feeling trapped in our marraige. So, we split up and have been divorced for almost 2 years. We get along so well now that I know it was the best for our son. Your kids are a little older so it might be a little easier for them to understand (my son was 3). I think as long as their father is going to still be an active part of their life, it will make the transition easier as well. That's been the saving grace in my divorce. My son sees his father almost half the time and it's helped him as well. The only other thing I can tell you, which seems to be common sense to me even though other people don't see it sometimes, is don't talk bad about your ex while your kids are around. My ex and I made a promise that whatever negative feelings we had for each other we wouldn't say them in front of our son. The more amicable you make it, and I used to laugh at the thought of an amicable divorce, the easier it's going to be on your kids. Good luck!

K., I'm so sorry! YOU WILL BE FINE. I know that's hard to imagine now and can't possibly make you feel better NOW, but you WILL come out of this a whole, strong woman. You're so loving--towards your kids and husband! I hope you find a wonderful therapist who will help you deal with this--I think you'll find that you heal much more quickly and completely with a professional helping you. Good luck, and know there are a lot of people rooting for you. He may change his mind, and at that point, YOU can decide if you even want him back--it may be too late then. Write in any time for support!

First off, my heart goes out to you and your family will be in my prayers.... and as a child of a very sudden and surprising divorce---please talk to some counselors or child psychologists about how to break the news. Everyone's lives are about to change in a big way-friends or not. Kudos to you for having a level head (or so it seems), that will be a good example to your children. Good luck.

What helped me a few years ago was a Divorce Care group and the daily emails that they send out for an entire year. I even signed up to receive them every day for a second year. You can find the emails and groups in your area at www.Divorcecare.org
Some of them even have groups for kids. Check out the website at least, it was very very helpful to me.

And remember, you can't make someone stick around who doesn't want to stick around. It's okay to let go. Concentrate on yourself and your kids. This will be hard for them too.

I could go on and on and on, but I'll spare you, lol.
Just hang in there, find some support for you and your kids, and keep your chin up -- but of course, be sure to cry and scream and punch pillows when you're all alone... well, that helped me anyway :)

K.,
Always sorry to see this type of thing happen. First of all, while it's great that you're trying to keep things civil, don't let him take advantage of you. Child support and alimony a must! I've seen many women who supported their husbands through the schooling it took to get a decent job, only to be left high and dry after hubby has established himself. Even when said payments have been established ex-hubby continues to cry "crisis" to his well-meaning ex, trying to get out of payments. Next, look at your church and community for support groups for newly separated and divorced, single parents, etc. Parents Without Partners is strong in some areas and provides at least one day a month to get together and socialize, both parents & kids. Continue to be involved (maybe even increase your involvement)in your kids' activities. These are areas where your kids already feel secure and can be a haven for all of you.
Do you have a job or hobbies? If not already over-scheduled, find something new that you've always wanted to do. Look at this as an opportunity (sounds cold, but you and your kids need to move on -hubby will)
Be honest with your kids, without forcing them to choose between you and him.
Most of all Hang In There!

I'm sorry you're going through this. First and foremost, he's the one who's confused and doesn't know what he wants. HE is the one with the problem, and it's not you or anything you or the kids did that's making him leave. Your kids will be asking, whether they admit it or not, "why doesn't daddy love me enough to stay?" And this can haunt them for the rest of their lives, so make sure your husband understands the impact of leaving, and that he does everything in his power to be active and involved in his kids lives. You sound like you're being very mature about it, wanting to be friends, when you must feel like screaming at him. That is good. You'll need that kind of friendship to be co-parents. A lot of times one parent will just want to "be done with everything," and though he's leaving and starting over, that doesn't excuse from parenting his children through adulthood, which will require regular communication with you. Show your kids that you guys are still a team when it comes to the kids. It's ok to let your kids know you're sad, and even to cry and let them know you're disappointed too. Kids are perceptive, and they'll pick up on things, and resent you for trying to pretend to act a certain way. But ... as a child of divorced parents ... NEVER criticize or make sarcastic comments in front of you kids, or on the phone to others when you think they're not listening. My mom is famous for doing that, and it's hurtful to feel like you don't have permission to love your father, and actually makes us bitter towards our mom rather than our dad. Let friends, church members, neighbors, etc, surround you and help you out. Sending out a prayer for you to have the strength to get through all this. Best of luck.

You will get through this and in the end you will thank your husband for leaving you. My husband leaving me was the best thing he ever did for me although I didn't think that at the time. Take this opportunity to reflect and think about what you want to do with your life. Maybe pursue new interests that you never could before. Of course being a single mom isn't easy but rewarding and you can show them that life goes on even though there may be bumps in the road. Good Luck.

I feel very badly for you, and this is not your fault. That being said, it sounds to me like you are giving up too easily. If you thought you had a good marriage so recently, things can not have been as bad as he thinks. Might he have depression or something that medication or counseling may help? At the very least you guys should try to get counseling and see if he will open up and talk about things so you guys can work it out. People seem to think marriage is disposable anymore, and if you aren't having fun you can just get a divorce. It shouldn't be that easy. Marriage is not always fun, it is work, and sometimes it is no fun at all but you take the bad times with the good and communicate to work through it and it will make your marriage stronger in the end. I want to say again, this is NOT your fault, but you have a responsibility to yourself, your kids, and even your husband to try and make things work if there is any way possible. I don't say stay if he is abusive or cheating, if that is the case then by all means THROW him out the door, but if you had a good marriage it should be able to be saved if he is willing to work on it with you. The main thing is communication. Good luck, my heart goes out to you and your children during this heartbreaking time.

i'm so sorry also. i don't really have any advice. just wanted to let you know i'm thinking of you. i do know it's terrible to have to be strong when really you just want to collapse.(i'll hold off on the man-bashing til you get to the angry stage) God bless you,K.. what i do want you to remember is that you deserve to be happy and don't you dare start blaming yourself. please keep us in the know we'll be prayin' for ya,sister.

You were happily married & you can't hold yourself accountable for him. It's good you want to remain friends for the kids sake. They may take it hard but you must NEVER let them see you break down. This is one of those things you can't control because it's not you! Time will heal all wounds & for truth sake I hope he's being totally honest with you & them. Don't beat yourself up & don't try & find healing nor comfort in another man. Move on with life at a slower pace. Research YOU & reach down deep to find that woman that you love & make her happy. We can NEVER prepare for the unexpected but we as women are some of God's strongest creatures. Seek God, have faith (that HE will see you through) & stay prayerful. It's NOT man that we put our trust in because he will fail us every time. Your not alone many women have woke up & one day their whole word has changed BUT that change can be the best thing that has ever happed to you. We lose who we are when we marry, become mother's & so on...NOW it's your turn to do & be ALL that you desired to be. Hold your head up, stay strong & lean on the love of God & your children...you won't go wrong. I wish you the very best of luck in lifes new adventures & God Bless!

K., I am so sorry. I can only imagine how painful this must be. It seems like the whole situation has come up very quickly.

Because of that, I think I would ask my husband to go to counseling together for a set small amount of time (ie. a month, two months) before telling the kids that you are divorcing. Let them know that the two of you are going to counseling, and provide a way for them to talk to someone alone, and with the two of you in a healthy atmosphere. It is ultimately yours and/or your husband's decision, but it is their family, and they need to be able to express themselves in the process. (Plus, dad needs to hear how this is affecting them.)

It sounds like he is unhappy that his life isn't what he expected it to be. So many men go through this, and their family gets blamed, when in reality, you and the kids are the best things he has in the world.

If he won't do this for yours and his kid's sake, at least you know that you did what you could.

If there's anything at all I can do to help you, please let me know.
B.

Prayers for you at this difficult time.

Oh, K.,

Mine will be the voice of dissension. There are only 3 acceptable bases for divorce: Abuse, Addiction, and Adultery. In the absence of any of those, it's NOT okay for your husband to traipse off and "find" himself after fifteen years and 2 children. Trashing a family is not the answer and no amount of happiness he thinks is "out there" for him justifies the destruction left in the wake of leaving.

Happiness is not something just found -- it has to be created. If he's got something missing from his life, it's up to him to commit to finding it WITHIN the marriage. He's not going to find happiness from without -- it starts from within. The gaping hole he feels can only be filled with love, and that love starts with his relationship with God, first, his spouse, second, and his children, third. Those are the priorities he committed to 15 years ago and they haven't dissolved in the face of today's mid-life crisis.

He's not the first guy to realize that his life is half over and freak out over not having enough to show for it. Well, a loving, successful marriage and children from a stable home are HUGE accomplishments. I sense that he already has a wife with whom he could be in love -- not just the deep love built between one human and another, but the fire that comes from being IN love -- and you, in love back, with your husband. But, both of you have commit to it.

My husband would tell you the same thing, having stood on the brink of our marriage ending 10 years ago in the wake of soul-wrenching tragedy. It's truly miraculous that it didn't, but miracles happen every day WHEN YOU ASK FOR THEM. Commit to the marriage, and make it a joyous reunion, rather than destroying the fabric of the family. Be happy. Stay committed. Ours is one united voice of experience and we are IMMENSELY delighted to be together -- something we tell each other every night as we fall asleep wrapped in each other's arms and love.

GET COUNSELING AND COMMIT. Your children and yourselves are worth the effort.

C.

K.,
I know this is such a trying time for you and the children. I went thru a similiar situation about a year and a half ago. It was hard. Your whole world is turned upside down and tomorrow just brings up more things that weren't thought of yesterday with divorce and separation.
The children are getting ready for life without dad right there. Do they have a good relationship with him? Are they close? I found that in my shoes that there is still alot of anger with my children and the dad. I posted a message on here not to long ago and got wonderful responses! One thing I remember is to remind my girls that I am there for them. Having children just makes all this super hard. Because in reality it is VERY hard to heal yourself and alot of times you have to heal behind closed doors. I sat down with my 10yr old daughter and just told her that its okay to hurt and okay to talk about it all. I just made sure that the door is open. She hasn't said much yet, but I will wait for her.
Remaining friends is so hard. I know how important it is though. There is only so much you can take as a mother and as a hurt woman. My heart goes out to you and your children. It's a painful time. I never did the counseling thing for myself, but to be honest, I should of. I am still considering it after a year and a half. My prayers will be with you. You can email me if you need to talk further. I am available.
A. R