Hearing Your Teenage Son Talk About Marriage to His Girlfriend....

From experience most first teenage relationships don't work up to marriage. I would talk to him more about what marriage entails, and the seriousness of that commitment. Remember when we were teenagers the world would revolve around that one special person... How many of us can say that we didn't learn from that. The marriage talk is mostly an idea that sounds great, but soon enough they will both change and the idea of that will change as well. Its part of them growing up.

When I was a teenager, I had boyfriends that talked about getting married and at the time, we both felt very seriously about it. But... I didn't marry any of those teenage boyfriends. I didn't even meet the man I married until I was 22. I wouldn't worry too much about it. Even though they could be serious when they talk about marriage, I'd say odds are nothing will come of it, especially since they're so young. I was also eager to "get out of my parents' house" but it wasn't enough of a motivation to actually get married.

Lynne, again I would not focus on not having these two get married. I was married at 20 but had dated my husband since sophomore year in highschool. We waited to have sex until we were married. I was his first girlfriend, first kiss, first everything. We were engaged six months after graduating highschool.

One focus was wanting to have sex but I think if you have the willpower to wait (which most people do not) then you would not be so immature to get married just to have sex.

Sex is a big reward but not the whole picture and hopefully you have raised your son to know that.

If you are religous and have taught him these values than I would assume you have a prayer life. Pray about the situation. Pray for him, pray for her. Pray for their future. If it is not God's will it won't happen. If it is His will they will have a lot of ups and downs just like every marraige does.

I have been married 7 years and we have two children. I have always known that my husband was the right one for me, now and when I was 16.

Another thing is that it is not commen for people so young to be married in this part of the country. But if you go down south many young couples get married right out of highschool or even in highschool.

Good luck on everything. Just be encouraged that it can work and that I still have such a sense of pride becuase my husband and I were "firsts" for eachother.

If you have raised your son with these kinds of values, don't be surprised when God answers your prayer by brining him the right one early so he doesn't get involved in the "lust mill" of dating a bunch of different people (which many times ends up being a practice for divorce).

People ranted about my husband and I getting married and having a baby in the first year we were married because we were only 20 and they said it wouldn't last, but we knew we were who God wanted us to marry.

We have now been married 10 years, have 4 kids, a house and a great life. Our marriage is based on Godly values with Him at the center, but it didn't start out that way, he led us there through our love for each other. We have had our share of rough spots, but we always learned from it.

I would say that talking will only push them away. Pray for your son's safety, purity and wisdom to find what and who God has for him. But like I said, don't be too surprised if He answers quickly. :) Not all early marriages go bad, some end up being exactly perfect for the people involved. You should also be praying that God keeps the future spouse of your son pure and safe and walking righteously. Protecting our kids through prayer and love is best way to watch over them when we can't be there with them at all times.

God bless your family!

My mom gave me that speech after my high school boyfriend proposed to me when I was 17... I didn't listen. We did get married, but we waited until I was 21 (I was a year younger than he was). This gave us a long engagement to figure out who we were and if we were truly good together. I was the first girl he ever dated. To this day he is extremely proud of that fact. We've been married for 23 years now and have a lovely family. So, it isn't always a recipe for disaster. A nice long engagement at that age can help.

I have known several couples who did marry to have sex because they did think it was important to wait until marriage. THe problem seemed to be that they were focused on the warm, loving feelings that they had for each other and thought they could only manage them by getting married. They didn't think that there could be another way to stay connected without the sex.

These couples who marred too early also did not have any idea what was required to have a successful marriage. My daughter, who was pregnant at 19 and living with her boyfriend thought that they could live with me. She got a job but her boyfriend didn't. I told them from the start that they were now a family and they needed to find a way to build this family without remaining children with me. They are no longer together.

Most kids, even when they think about being on their own, are unaware of the actual cost in money, time, and emotion to maintain a marriage. Has your son had an income, even just an allowance, for which he was responsible to budget. Does he save money towards future purchases or does he spend it as he gets it.

Have the two of them decided together what kind of a life they want together? Do they agree on how to manage their money? Do they know how much food and rent costs? Do they have similar goals for their futures. ie: do they both want to go to college or a trade school. How will they complete their education if they are still unskilled in doing work that pays a living wage?

There are many questions that have to be discussed and many decisions that have to be made so that a couple can have a good marriage. I suggest that you find a Preparation for Marriage Class and suggest that they go. I think it would even be reasonable to say that you are very uncomfortable with the idea of marriage this young but you'd be willing to think about it with them once they take that class.

I don't know how young people keep celibate in these days. In my day we did not spend time alone. Parents might be in the other room but they were present. We dated mostly in groups even at 17. Going to a movie together works if their time is planned for after the movie. I think I'm saying that to spend time together when one is sexually attracted to the other their time needs to be structured in a way that the temptation is limited. I still do that for myself when I don't want to get sexually involved. I'm older and experienced now so I can spend time alone with the man but I know the signs that indicate that I need to leave or change the activity. I also have much more will power than a teen.

If your son is have intercourse or even heavy petting I'd encourage the couple to be on birth control. It's been my experience that once a teen begins a serious sexual relationship they usually can't stop. Being a teen parent is a difficult life and it is not fair to the teens and especially not fair to the baby who did not get a choice in being born.

My daughter had her first baby at 20. She's now 28 and has 2 children. She frequently says, "why didn't I listen to you, Mom! This is really difficult!" I do help her with child care and with money at times. She feels inadequate because I have to do that. She has a good job and is learning about herself and is beginning to know who she wants to be. Often the children do not get enough attention from her. Both their mother and they are learning and maturing but not together. Often their two stages of maturing are at odds with each other.
When my daughter is tired, sick, and stressed she has no energy for providing the emotional needs of her children.

If you know of someone who has a baby or toddler it might help to ask them if your son and/or his girlfriend could stay with them for a day and a night or perhaps the weekend. Give the teen responsibility for the baby. The parents are there to see that their baby has his needs met and to teach how to do such things as change a diaper, know when the baby's hungry, how to soothe them when they're tired, etc.

Does your son have responsibility for chores at home. If not, assign him to fix one meal a day or perhaps just 2 or 3/week. Have him do his own laundry. (my daughter is now with a 28 yo man whose mother is still doing his laundry.)Put him in charge of washing dishes, vacuuming and sweeping. If he isn't working insist that he do so and then have him pay "rent." If he has a car does he pay all the expenses for it? If not it's time for him to do so. Do all of this good naturedly!!!!!!!!Let him know that by asking him to do these things you are supporting him so that he can make an informed decision about marriage. Tell him if he can manage the responsibilities of being an adult then marriage is OK.

Avoid saying anything negative about marriage. Discuss what happens in a marriage. Never argue or try to convince him of anything. Just set it up and encourage him to take on more responsibility. Be a good listener. If you're feeling anxious and are unable to just ask questions and listen to his views then don't say anything.

It has taken me 10 years to be able to consistently listen and only give my opinion when my daughter asks for it. Since she's an adult now doing so seems obvious. But if I'd done more listen and less "teaching" the two of us would have had a better relationship. It is possible, even, that she wouldn't have gotten pregnant so early. Many factors were a part of their decision. I was just one factor and I believe that I was not successful in showing her real life. I protected her too much. I thought that if I just made a rule, told her to not do something along with discussing the reasons for this rule she would learn. Seventeen is too full of hormones, too much in a hurry to be independant and show Mom and Dad that they can do it because those reasons don't apply to them. They're different. etc.

This is why teaching needs to less talk and more natural consequences. Consistency is still the most difficult behavior for me. Finding a way to listen without getting so emotionally involved is my success.

I wish you well, You are in one of the most difficult roles you will have. Parenting a teen is more difficult than parenting at any other age.

If your son learns thru reading there are many good books, both fiction and nonfiction, on this subject. Reading could give you a look at a bigger picture which could help.

I think the best thing you can do at this point is to not try to change his mind. Trying to change his mind about this girl may end up causing him to distance himself from you. I would rather, try the route of being as supportive as you can and encouraging a long engagement. When I was in high school, my sweatheart always told me he loved me...really loved me, not just high school love, but sort of like fairybook love at first sight everlasting kind of love. I was imature and didn't belive that someone so young could love like that (I was not capable of it, although I did love him...I just didn't quite realize it at the time). I moved away, went to college, moved out of state, got married to someone emotionally abusive, had a child, moved back home, got a divorce. Anyway, during my divorce, we connected again totally by chance. Today we have been back together for over 3 years and are planning on getting married some day. My sweatheart's parents/brother/family didn't like me much at all toward the end in high school and pretty much told him he was a damn fool for even considering dating me again (I think because being a single mom, steriotypically, all I would want is a dad for my kid and money...not the case, but anyway). I guess all I am trying to say is that your son may really, truely love this girl. If that is the case, it will be very difficult to change his mind about being with her. It may be a lot easier for you to encourage a long engagement because if she really is "the one", then marriage to her will be worth the wait. Hope I've helped. FYI, I'm 28 years old.

Hi Lynne,

I dont know if this will help or not but im a 19 year old mom who got married at 18 but pregnant at 17. I really dont think he would rush and get married to have sex. That is a huge thing for a 17 year old when he could just go and do it without a problem. I think that you should talk to him about how serious he really is and i think you are right about talking to him about not getting serious and that he really shouldnt rush into marriage because if he has listened to you about sex then that shows that he really does value your opinions and believes. And if you talked with him i bet he would really listen. I really hope this helps i know im young but i still hope this helps. Good luck! =]]

Hi Lynne. I met my husband at 17 years old. We have now been happily married for 15 years. I know that, as a parent, it is difficult to hear your child talk about marriage so soon. However, unless your parents picked out your spouse for you, I don't see how you can tell your son who to marry. We are all overly dramatic as teenagers, so try not to hold that against them. She really could be "the one" for him. I would suggest holding your tongue when it comes to anything about her personally, but maybe instead start the discussions on what will make marriage easier on them (having a stable job, finances in order, a home, the maturity to raise children, etc...) If you talk enough on these points maybe they will see that you are not against them and perhaps they will understand the logic in postponing their decision until a more appropriate time. And pat yourself on the back for passing on your values about waiting for sex! At least you don't have to worry right now about grandkids!

My advice is to let your son read your post and then read the responses. I was also raised in a god-fearing home, told I shouldn't have sex until I married, told I shouldn't date until I was sixteen... But then my parents decided I was mature enough at 14 to handle a christian boyfriend from church. I thought I was gonna marry HIM! Then I thought I'd marry the next guy, and the guy after that, and the bummer thing was that I went just a wee bit "further" with each guy. I never walked away from any relationship with any information that has helped my marriage. My husband waited for me. He was a virgin on our wedding night. I wasn't, because I thought I was going to get married ten times before him. My parents should have stuck to their guns and encouraged me to date in group settings only. Our rules for our daughter and son until they're out of the house: no members of the opposite sex in their bedrooms, no time alone with members of the opposite sex, stay in groups or with other couples. They're still small, but we are already talking to them about this. They know we'll be all over them like stink on dirt :) Because that's our job. Has you son read "I kiss dating goodbye" and "Boy meets girl" by Josh McDowell (? author)??? But like I said, have him read people's responses so he sees that his parents are not the only crazy ones :)

I really wouldn't worry about it. My husband and I talked about marriage when we were 18 and 17 (I'm 5 months older than he is). We were committed to waiting until marriage to have sex, but ended up not waiting (though we waited for each other), partly because we were sure we wanted to get married after college. College ended up not being the right path for me because I wanted to teach private music lessons and have children - neither of which require a degree.

I'm extremely glad that I quit college and got married instead of finishing college just because my parents wanted/expected me to. However, if I had actually wanted to be in a career that required a college degree, I would have stuck with it.

So maybe you could talk with your son about his plans for the future, but not actively discourage him from discussing marriage with his girlfriend. Once he figures out what he wants to do with his life, he will be better able to determine where exactly marriage fits in with everything else.

My husband and I will have been happily married for 5 years at the beginning of December. We will have been "together" for 8 years at the beginning of December. I can't imagine things any other way and although our parents were skeptical (or worse) at first, they got over it and love their two granddaughters and see that we have a strong marriage and couldn't be happier.

Ultimately, your son has to make his own decisions and your relationship will be best if you support him in those decisions. My father nearly ruined his relationship with me because he was so against me getting married (at age 20). Once it was done he accepted it, but it still took until the birth of our first child (when I was 22) for my dad and I to start really talking again.

If you suggest premarital counseling, be sure to do it tactfully... I didn't take it very well when my parents suggested it and we went to one session, were underwhelmed, and never came back.

Best wishes to you!
~B.

PS - I just needed to comment about this. A previous commenter suggested that babysitting could convince a teenager not to get married, but I don't see how that would logically follow. People can get married without having children, especially nowadays, and I even disagree with the idea that babysitting would convince teens to not want children. I babysat others' children and my three much younger siblings from the time I was 11 years old (I took a babysitting course that year) and my first real job was working at an in-home daycare center. I would love to have a large family and have dreamed about having many children since I was a young teen.

I have several friends who got married to their highschool sweet heart and are very happily married now, years later. Instead of focusing on this girl, or dating a variety of people (both things he doesn't want to hear), I would talk to him about timing. Marriage is tough, but it is even tougher if both people enter into it having never lived on their own. My high school buddies who have successful mmarriages with their sweethearts all waited until after college to get married and have kids. They never dated other people, but they each went through the transition to paying their own bills, making their own scheduals, and holding down jobs and basically taking on adult roles in the world before getting married. They were there for eachother through these transitions, but because they went through them in their own ways during college, they didn't have that added stressor on their marriages. Then both ADULTS were able to enter the marriage an a intentional way - it wasn't an escape from childhood, but something they really wanted. One of the couples I am seaking of started dating in 8th grade - both graduated college before marriage and they are still happily together with 2 children today.

If your son waits, this girl will either grow up and mature in the mean time, or he may realize that she is or isn't right for him. I thought I wanted to marry my highschool sweetheart - but he broke up with me during my freshman year of college. I am now happily married to the love of my life, and he is now happily in a different relationship. We have remained friends - but life partners we are not meant to be. THe difference between a great guy/girl who you want to stay in your life forever, and a life partner is a hard distinction to make at 17 years old.

The other thing I would tell him, is that anyone who puts conditions on their love doesn't really love him. If this girl is telling him they have to get married in the near future or its over, she doesn't really care about him and is most likely trying to use him to get out of mom and dad's house. But you don't have to put it in terms of her - the concept is true in all relationships. Friends who care about you don't threaten you like that . . . that is manipulative behavior, not loving behavior.

Again, focus on the bigger issues - he sounds like a bright kid, so if he understands the bigger issues at hand, he will apply them to this situation all on his own and won't feel pushed into makig the best decision for his future.

Best of luck!!

If at least one of them gets a baby-sitting job that might change his/her mind about getting married and having children. You have some good advices here. Try not to "stand" on theirs way but guide them where to step first. Let them feel your support as this is the only way you can take part of theirs decision making and being reasonable. May be you should let your son being "the head" of the family for couple of months to see how he will like it. Don't forget to apply any extra responsibilities you can to that. Being a teenager is more fun than being an adult. Good luck!

Im not sure why you would encourage him to date other people when he has found someone that makes him happy. I married my high school sweetheart we have been together since I was 15. Everything is going great we love eachother very much and have grown with one another. Just talk to him about not getting married right away. I was with my husband for 5 years before we got married. I wouldnt try to encourage him to date other people though the only thing that will do is make him want to marry her faster to rebell. hope this helps!

I married my high school sweetheart and we have been together 16 years. We started dating when I was 14 and he was 15 and are still very much in love. We married as soon as I turned 18 and had three kids by the time I was 25. It has worked wonderfully for us and I wouldn't go back and change anything. Everyone has their own path in life. At this age you have to trust that he is going to make good decisions and keep the communication open so that he will respect your concerns and opinions. Take a non-judgmental approach and remember that the more you resist, the more you will be kept out of the loop.

Lynne,
I can't say that I know what you're going through because our boys are only 5&8. I do know what my sibbling has gone through though. Hers are 20,18,16. It is difficult to not want to interject with your children's emotional desires.
When I see or hear young couples in the situation you are describing, I have to look back at what I was like when I was that age. As a teen, my hormones were going crazy. All I could think about was getting married, having sex and having children. All the boys I liked and/or dated only wanted to have sex. Some talked about getting married but I think only because they wanted me to hear what I wanted to hear so they could get their desire fulfilled. What ever my dad said, I was determined to do the opposite just to make him miserable and angry, just because I wanted my own way.
As a parent, I obviously want our boys to wait until the right person comes along. I also have to think about being understanding. I made choices that have brought me to where I am today, and later on, our boys will have to do the same.
For my husband and myself,even though we don't want our children to make the mistakes we or others have made, we feel that sometimes we just need to let them fall flat on their faces. We're not trying to be mean or rotten parents, we just know that someday they will experience things themselves that we have no control over. It's not to say that marriage and children are right at teen ages,because I completely feel that it is wrong, it's just that as parents, we can only do so much as far as educating them and allowing them to make decisions for themselves regardless of our belief in right or wrong.(Jamie-Lynn Spears comes to mind. Once a role model for my boys, now no longer spoke of in our home. Our oldest feels that having a baby at her age is wrong. Pretty strong morals for an 8ry old.)
It would be very devastating to hear what you heard. It could potentially make me feel that I have steered him wrong or was a bad parent. You aren't a bad parent. You have educated and guided your child based on your beliefs and what is important to you.
I commend you for asking advice on this subject. What a difficult one.
My final thoughts are, talk to your son. Without teary emotion and anger, let him know what you have overheard, but don't give him your 2 cents worth, YET. Allow him to talk with you about it. It may just be talk. If you tell him that he's not going to get married and have children right now, he may become defyant and do it just to spite you. You can only be with him some of the time. Talk with him and allow him to make decisions for himself. I just bet that he will make the decision that is right.
If it's any consolation, I ended up finding the right man after many boyfriends when I was 26. We married when I was 29 and didn't have children until I was 32. We are happily married and both of us can't think of being with anyone but each other.

I wish you and your family all the best.

That's a tough one, Lynne. Marriage is a lot of wonderful things, but it is also a lot of things you just don't hear about in advance!

I nearly got married when I was just out of high school, and rather than saying anything about the boy, my mother talked to me about having a chance to get out and find out about the world and (more importantly) myself before locking myself into a marriage. She said the things I learned would benefit the marriage, if I still felt like it, but said that many people don't "settle down into who they are" until they are in their 20s. She asked, "You know how are aren't now the same person you were at 15, or 12, or 8? That keeps happening for quite a while. So just know that if you marry at 19 you could easily find yourself quite changed at 23--or he could be a very different person by then, too."

Now, thanks to evolving brain science, we know that to be true! Most individuals don't have a physically or socially mature brain until their mid- to late 20s.

Best wishes and blessings on all three of you!

If you guys attend a particular church regularly, or know someone who does, perhaps you can have your son speak with the paster/father/priest/rabbi/etc.. Also, you could discuss marriage counseling with the two kids. It sounds like you've raised a respectful child who will, at the very least, listen to your concerns if you use the right approach.

Does he plan on going to college? That is usually the cure all for high school romance....But on that note, I would suggest speaking to him about his future in general and maybe the girl will come up. Talk to him about plans after graduation. College - community college - cooking school - trade school - whatever. Talk to him about the responsbilities of paying your bills, finding a place to live and most how excited you are for him to have so many choices ahead of him. Young or old, you can't talk someone out of love and more often than not, if it's the young kind you'll only make hime want it more.

Good luck! And be happy that no matter what it is - he has someone that thinks he's a special as you do.

While I do not have a child that age yet a few things came to my mind. I do have a preteen and have found power struggles seem to begin before I even enter a room these days. This being the case I've learned about getting what I want (and what is right) from my kiddo without going head-to-head in various ways.

I would not engage in a discussion about not getting married that just sends in the defenders immediately and you may end up with a marriage before the conversation is even over. Instead how about something like...

"I've noticed how much you and 'Sally' care for each other. You seem to be getting very serious. She is such a great gal and I know you want to make her happy. I suspect you've talked about marriage. I'd like to help you make sure you're life together would be everything you want it to be. Let's talk about plans and how you see things happening. And let's set some goals. You need to know that this makes me very nervous and I would want you to wait for a very long time but I want to work with you on this so that you end up with the best life possible."

Then proceed from there talking about basics:what does he want from life? does he plan on conitnuing his education? if so how? if not, what does he plan on doing to support his life? how does he see himself living in the future? (Don't hesitate to bring up the failing economy!)what needs to happen to make this a reality? Make lists of specific goals and specific plans to acheive them.Also discuss possible pitfalls that may occur-- illness, accident, job loss etc..

Teens are notouriuos for living in the moment and not thinking about anything else. Helping him to look at a long term picture and set goals realisticaly is a good way to help him make a smart choice. Just stay calm and really work with him to figure it all out.

Children at this age

Sometimes it may be best just to stand back and watch what happens, as you don't want to push them into eloping either, by disapproving of their relationship. However, if they do decide to get married, perhaps you could send them to a marriage course or something like that.

Maybe just let things run their course a little. I had two high school boyfriends that I was very serious with (didn't have sex with either) and they both ended fairly naturally after one of us graduated since we were in different grades. I remained friends with both and ended up marrying one of them at 25 with the other as part of my bridal party.

Instead of talking about marriage, let's talk about life after high school. Come prepared for the 'talk'. Does he want to go to college, be it a 4yr or community/technical college, an apprenticeship program or straight to work? That's your spring board. How are we going to pay for education? Will you, his parents, be providing a good portion of the cost? Apprenticeships are earn while you learn, but is he aware of the wages ($11-12/hr to start for about the 1st year, incremental increases beyond that), or an entry level job for a highschool graduate ($8.50-$10/hr; often no healthcare). Now where does he want to live? Look in the paper for 1 bedroom apt rates. Don't forget to figure in electricity. Water is usually included. Cable tv? Food? Laundry? Transportation costs? Phone? Girlfriend added to the mix = dating expenses, living with her? potential for babies, always as no form of birth control is 100% effective. Each partner should be responsible for their own body, she can use the pill, but many things can interfere with it's effectiveness, so he should use condoms at all times if he is unable to care and afford a baby/toddler/child. Show him your bills for utilities, insurances, weekly grocery receipts, gas for one vehicle. Encourage him to continue his education beyond high school so he can learn more to earn more in life. My son had a girlfriend who was pressuring him to have sex, and he's 20. We had this discussion and they ended up breaking up because the physical relationship right now was more important to her than their future. He didn't want to take those chances of a child, when he's not capable of providing for himself 100%. It's not about the sex, it's about his future dreams and choices. There are lots of folks who are high school sweethearts who live happily ever after, but there are several who don't. He's 17 with many options ahead in life. Serve him some 'reality sandwiches' and he'll be better prepared to answer his own questions.

If and when he brings it up to you, talk him into marriage counseling. Show him statistics about the divorce rate and tell him that you want him to get the best starts possible. Chances are, they won't make it through the course, and if they do, then at least they have a better chance than most others do. There is nothing you can do to stop them, but not supporting them will cause them to do things behind your back.