Help! 17 Mo Old Daughter Cries and Screams Every Night at Dinner

I've heard the reason this is, is because we tend to give them choices for breakfast and lunch but not for dinner. Makes sense to me!

What I've read is that kids that age, (my son is 18 months) will be hungry at breakfast, less hungry at lunch, and even less hungry at dinner. So if she eats a good lunch and breakfast, she probably is just not hungry when dinner rolls around. As to making her her own custom meal so she will eat, i don't think that is a good idea, i think what you are doing is the right way. I also have tried feeding something different with little to no success. I have a son who eats like a pig one day and then eats nothing the next day, but it's not a big deal. kids will eat what they need to eat to not be hungry.

Whatever you do, don't force her and don't make mealtime stressful or she may stop eating altogether. My daughter went through a stage of eating nothing at all. It's been a long road getting her to eat the little she does now. If she doesn't want to eat, don't make her. It's also possible you missed her hunger window. Try feeding her dinner earlier than the rest of you. Then when you eat, she can sit with you and have the same thing as you or offer something simple, like cereal.

Hi S.,

We have not experienced this with our two boys, but I did see something on the TV show "The Doctors" last year, which has a panel of doctors, including a pediatrician, to answer questions and give advice to viewers. There were some parents that were struggling with getting their son to eat and they showed the pediatrician having dinner with the family and implementing a technique that worked wonderfully. He had the family all sit down at the table which was set with empty plates and they had all of the food for dinner at the table. They said grace and then started asking people to pass the food that they wanted, not offering anything to the toddler. Then they all started eating and having a conversation, including the toddler when it was called for in the conversation like normal and the toddler's plate was empty. When the boy "realized" that no one was making a big deal about whether he ate or not, he started asking for food and the parents calmly, matter-of-factly, gave him what he asked for and continued to focus on their own meal and the conversation. The little guy was surprised, but he ate the food that he had asked for. The parents didn't make a big deal about it and they came on the show and said getting their son to eat was no longer an issue at all. It had worked like a charm! The pediatrician did say that it dosn't always work that quickly and to not give in and give kids anything to eat after dinner until breakfast if they had chosen not to eat at dinnertime. He said the key was to not show that you are concerned or upset when kids don't eat, that it's their way of manipulating the parents, getting attention, and gaining control of something in their life. Good luck, I hope this works for you.

If she was doing that w/all of her meals I'd wonder if it was a sensory problem-that she couldn't handle the texture or taste of her foods, but since it's just at dinner that's probably not the case.
Personally, I wouldn't give in. Give her her food, if she fusses either ignore her or let her down w/the understanding that there are no snacks later.
Everyone who's raised kids is convinced they can raise yours better than you are (got a sister-in-law w/that problem-she'd like to start over w/mine & fix where she went wrong w/hers). You raise yours YOUR way & don't listen to them. At her next checkup, or next sick appt, ask the doc about it.
By all means, keep exposing her to new things! One of my boys loves Brussel Sprouts, the other hates them, but he's learned to eat them first because he's not getting out of eating them. My nephews don't like this food prepared that way, don't like that food at all.. my sister goes nuts planning meals. She'll come around after a while (hopefully a short while!).

I say stick to your guns. If she is not starving then I wouldn't change anything.

It sounds like you are doing precisely the right thing. You are right not to give in to her, or to let her control the situation. If your family doesn't like it, that's tough. This is YOUR child, and they shouldn't say anything. Keep doing what you're doing!

I think you are right to refuse to make something else for your daughter. We didn't stick to our guns, and it is SO hard to go back. I can't tell you how many years of short order cooking I have done. Our problem was that our children were so little (not even on the growth charts for height and weight) so we felt it was imperative to get them to eat. If they wouldn't eat what we were eating then we would fix them something else just so that they would eat SOMEthing.

They are healthy (and on the growth charts now) but it has been hard to break our family of the "short order" mentality. We are doing it, and on the nights that we sit down to a home-cooked meal, there are NO substitutions. It really is the best way. You are doing the right thing. Stick with it, keep offering her food and one night she will come around.

I think you're doing great! Keep up the good work mommy!

One thing to try and one thing to keep in mind.

The thing to try: smaller breakfast and lunch.
The thing to keep in mind: No child has ever starved to death because they refused to eat what Mommy served for dinner. She will live if she goes to bed without dinner because she wouldn't eat what you do.

Your rules and boundaries are wonderful, and your parents will never know your daughter or what's best for her as you do. You aren't being cruel or harsh. It's your job to decide when and what is for dinner. It is your daughter's job to decide how much. If she's not hungry or won't eat it, oh well. You don't have to offer her something else.

Do not give in .Stick to your guns . We have 5 kids as they grew up they ate what was provided. If they did not want to eat they they didnt get a dessert. that like when they where 3 and up . you might try no snack after a certain time or she just may be tired trying a diffrent time might change things .my husbands cousin has 2 kids that they let be picky and they are 13 and older and still only want mac and chesse or spaghettie o's . so i think what you are doing is great .

Please stick to your guns, you are doing the right thing! You are right not to want to become a short order cook! She is old enough to eat what you are having, modifed as you mentioned. All you can do is offer it to her. If she is hungry, she'll eat. It's when moms make a big deal out of their child eating or cater to their every whim that the troubles really begin. I always offered my kids dinner, explained that this was it, and if they refused to eat they would go without anything until the next meal. If they ate a 'reasonable amount', they could have some kind of dessert. Over time, our mealtimes became relatively peaceful when they really got that they didn't 'have' to eat what was put in front of them, and they did eventually accept that there would be no options. Your daughter will eventually realize that it's not worth the effort to throw a fit, that it doesn't change anything. My kids all got passed their picky stages. I have to add that some of the moms I know that did cater to their kids' pickiness ended up catering to it for years! Good luck!

S. - Just my two cents worth as a mom of a once very picky four-year old. Why not sit her down at the table with the family, fix her a plate and put it on the table away from her reach. Have everyone else sit down together and start the meal in a pleasant state. Perhaps she will see everyone else enjoying what's available and want to try some from her plate herself. I think you really do need to continue to teach her that the family eats together at the table, if that is a value that you hold dear.

I also think that if she is not eating dinner (or not much dinner) and does not complain of hunger before bed or upon waking up that she is getting enough of what she needs from you during the day. If this is the case, you shouldn't stress yourself over the lack of eating at dinner. Just be happy knowing that you are providing her little body all that it needs and enjoy the family fellowship at the dinner table.

I think you're doing great by not feeding her something else. If you only give her what she wants to eat, she'll never be able to increase her appetite for bigger and better foods. I do the same with my kids. What I put on the table is what's for dinner. I also insist that they try at least one bite. If they don't like it, they don't have to eat, but they don't get a substitution if they don't. They also don't get anything later if they didn't eat their dinner. But usually try to have at least something they all like on the table. Like fruit salad or a nice bread. That way they don't starve. As far as the fits go, what usually works for me is giving them choices. Does your daughter sit in a high-chair or a booster seat at the table? If she sits in a booster you might let her choose where to sit. Give her a couple of choices for plates, silverware, cups...etc. If she uses a bib, maybe give her a couple choices on which bib she wants to wear. It may not help everytime. And sometimes you just have to ignore her. When my son throws tantrums at the table we take his plate and utensils away, and tell him that he can have them back after he settles down. Anyway, there's a few things you could do. I hope this helps.

I agree - no "short order cook" at my house either. We did establish some guidelines: you have to have 1 bite for each year you are old (2 bites for 2 yo, etc); if you really don't like it you may get some yogurt; and everyone stays at the table until everyone is finished eating (important to me) & have asked to be excused (only exception is when dad gets home just as we're finishing - then they may be excused after talking to him for a few minutes & he says it's o.k.). Then my stubborn, picky eater son came along and we dumped the 1 bite for each year & brought in the "you must taste it" rule because he would sit there for 2 days rather than take 2 bites... :) We also used to have PB&J as a bedtime snack when not much was eaten for dinner - then that started becoming the norm instead of the exception so we went to "it's a snack, not a meal."
Remember, take the advice that works for your family and the rest is either someone's opinion ( I love the great-aunt who never had kids but is an expert on how to raise them:) ) or what works for someone else's family.
Good luck!

I think you are right on the mark. I do not give in and make something else for my kids. If they don't eat what I make, they don't eat. My daughter (5) is picky. I let her pick breakfast and lunch, dinner I make what I make. We just tell her to eat enough so she isn't hungry. If she says she is done without hardly eating, we tell her that is fine, but don't ask for soemthing later, we will not give her "rewards" for not eating dinner.
I have heard young kids don't need to eat that much. If she is healthy and growing fine, rest assured you are doing great. If she won't eat, let her be. She is old enough to understand a fit won't get her a new dinner and not eating will just get her hungry. If she is hungry she will eat it.

Good luck, I think food battles are the worst!

Hi S.,
I'm probably a bit late with my idea but here it is anyway. I think you are definately on track not to cater to your daughter. We have never given our kids something other then what we were all eating as a family. If they did not like what was being served we reminded them they would not get anything else till the next meal. Then we stuck to it, no snacks or anything till the next meal. I do not think she should be allowed down to play. This tells me she thinks she's getting her way. I think I would leave her in her chair till dinner was done. If she whines or complains or throws food or screams she should be disciplined (we use a small switch) in another room and placed back at the table. That type of behavior should never be tolerated as it leads to further problems down the road. You are the authority and she needs you to be so don't take any guff off of her. Whatever method(s) you choose be very firm and very consistent. You may find additional help online at "No Greater Joy". Blessings, L.

I agree - stay away from becoming a short order cook. If she really isn't hungry, it's not good to force her to eat. If she is hungry, she'll eat her dinner. My daughter does this too (now three) from time to time. We did provide one option. If she didn't want what I made for dinner, she could eat a banana and milk or nothing. There was no extra prep in dinner and she did get some nutrition from the banana. Often after eating her banana, she would then want our food - after seeing us all eat it, and eat some dinner. Good job being consistent!

S., I agree with your approach of not caving in and giving her different food if she won't eat what's on her plate. Honestly, I don't have an answer for you as I have an almost 3 year old who has never sat down and enjoyed dinner with us. Eats fine for breakfast, lunch, and snacks. Has a nibble or two at dinner. Sometimes we can coerce him into eating more than that but not usually. Our doctor said that his son was like this as a toddler as well. He an his wife just starting giving him dinner food at breakfast. It worked. We have yet to do this but I'm getting desperate so I might start. Good luck!

My 23 month old son does not eat breakfast, but eats lunch and dinner. You should not be a short order cook! The only time I make something different for my kids is if I am making something spicy.

Our pediatrician told us to look at the food intake over the whole day - if they are getting fruits, veggies and milk, then wonderful!

If my kids don't eat a good dinner, I do offer them a healthy snack before bed so they don't wake up asking for food. I give them an apple, banana, yogurt or applesauce.

Don't worry about what others think - my mom once told me I was a bad mom for not stopping at Taco Bell for my daughter b/c she asked for it while passing it in the car. No one knows your kids like you do and you live with the choices you make for them. Keep your head tall and do what you know is right!

Stand your ground and don't give her much attention. How about if you eat most of your own meal before serving her. Then, you don't have the fit before you eat. Again, don't give in. She will eventually eat something or don't worry if she doesn't eat a thing at dinner for a while since you said that she eats well at other meals.

Hey S., I just asked this type of question , "Can toddlers sit at the table...ever??" , look at my responses, there are so MANY great ideas!

S.: I agree with the other moms. No short order cook at this house. I agree especially with Michelle. I believe eating time (esp dinner) is a time when the family all sits together to eat. I had to give my son a little something to eat earlier than when his dad got home and then he would sit down and eat with us. I think sitting through the whole meal is VERY important. You train your child to sit and talk and "be" with your family, even if they're not eating.

No one addressed your issue of pouting and throwing food off her tray. If you look at Love and Logic (www.loveandlogic.com) they tell you how to deal with children who show these behaviors and do it in a loving way that teaches them but also gives you (and them) a certain amount of control.

Good luck. Don't give in and I believe, you, your family and your child will be much happier.

At my son's 18 month appointment the ped said that this is the time that they start wanting to get their calories on the run with sippy cups of milk, etc. She said now is the time to teach them to sit. That being said, we feed our son before we eat (mainly because we would spend all of our evening time with him cooking), and cook after he goes down, so we are a little different from the norm anyway. We don't force him to eat anything, and give him his sippy cup at the table. We ask him to taste (usually says no) everything, but the one thing we do allow is fruit and veggies. If he asks for one that he isn't served, he is welcome to have it, at the table or after. I don't make a bunch of stuff trying to get him to eat. He gets his meal, other fruits and veggies, or nothing. That is just me.

I will back you up and tell you that you should keep doing what you are doing. If she is eating a good breakfast and lunch then I believe there is no need to worry. If you start giving her what she likes most for dinner you are just going to create more of a problem in the long run. I have heard several pediatricians say that kids need a certain amount of food each day and it doesn't have to be spread out to each meal like us adults do it. If she is acting fine then I am sure she is fine. You are being an awesome mom to keep giving your family new meals and lots of variety each day!

Our oldest daughter was the same way, she just didn't want to eat what we had for dinner. I have the same policy as you do, and still need to use it every now and then. What helped me get passed it was enlisting my daughter to help with making dinner. At 17 months old it is hard to let them do any real helping but my daughter felt really special when she got to bring me stuff from the refrigerator and throw things in the trash. It takes a little longer to get dinner made but it is worth it, in my opinion.

After having 4 children, I feel you are approaching this situation just fine. I, too, do not feel that giving in is the correct thing to do. I found that 15 months through 3 years were the most challenging ages at meal time. Keep doing what you are doing.

Make it a GREAT week!

S.

You are right on the mark! What you do now will stay with her the rest of her life.

Sounds like your daughter is eating enough at breakfast and lunch. As long as her "snacks" are whole foods (veggies, fruit, chopped nuts) and not cookies, crackers, chips even fruit juice which contains a lot of natural sugar, don't worry about dinner. Many toddlers are the least hungry at dinnertime.

You can find more info about encouraging healthy eating:
http://www.BabyBites.info