HELP!!! 3 1/2 Yr Old Son, Acting Out After Divorce!!!

This behavior is a red flag and sounds like more than just normal acting out in such a situation and I suggest you consult a professional counselor, either privately or through social services. If you want more info, to the extent I can give it, I would be willing to "converse" with you privately.

Ok, first things first.....what are you doing as a consequence for his behavior? Then, let's go from there~

i am sure you will be getting a ton of suggestions on this one. but for preschoolers i have worked with in the past we have had similar situations. here are some suggestion. first of all keep your response calm. do not let this behavior get a reaction(good or bad) out of you. second. i would talk to him like a big kid. say that the behavior is not ok explain why then tell him the consequence if it continues. you will have to decide what an appropriate consequence will be for your son. some ideas: you may say "when you poop and pee in the house you will have to clean it up". then really follow through or you might say "ifyou cannot put your pee and poop in the potty then you will have to wear a diaper again until you can." then really make him. do not shame him or put guilt on him, just tell him the facts.on top of this pay close attention and really catch him being good. if he is helpful or if he remembers to use the potty, whateverit is praise him alot for the good things and set clear boundaries on the not so good things w/o to much emotion. some clear direction plus some extra tlc during this time should be helpful. also maybe some counseling with the fam together or for him or you and him what ever you think best may be helpful to work through the first bit of your new living situation. and when you are together and he seems sad encourage him to talk to you. itis ok to be sad. it is a sad time but it will be better. for you and for him. if you are honest with your feelings he will be too.God bless and best of luck

My ex-husband left when I was 8 months pregnant with our second daughter, our oldest was 2. My daughters did, and still do, act out after they come back from his house. The same as your situation, they behave fine at his house, but are horrible the first couple days after they come home. I recently took my oldest daughter to a counselor that specialized in children for a couple visits, thinking that maybe there was something going on in her head that she wasn't comfortable talking to me about. Overall, what I have learned from adult children that went through this and from the counselor is that they act out with me because they feel safe here. They know that I am never going to leave them, they don't know that with him. They behave perfectly when they are with him, because they're afraid if they don't, he won't want to see them again.

My kids' tantrums consist of screaming and slamming doors. In your situation I agree with some of the other posts that he needs to clean it up, with your help of course. Possibly, while you clean it together...wonderful bonding experience, I know...talk to him about why he did that and brainstorm other things he could do when he feels upset. One thing that really helped both of my kids was drawing pictures and then we would talk about what they drew. It usually involves a lot of crying, on both of our parts, but I try to leave the room before I cry.

Like some of the other posts, I do agree that it helps to have the same routine and consistency at both houses. If your ex is cooperative, I would discuss it with him. In my situation, he is not, so I just do the best I can with the girls when they come home. The one thing I have learned is that this is an ongoing thing and the acting out just changes as they get older but we will get through it.

Children in a divorce situation feel like they have no control. They feel like their world has fallen apart and there is nothing they can do to fix it. A child that young has very little he feels he can be in control of, and unfortunately, bathroom habits are one of those things that only he can be in charge of. He's probably scared and angry about the changes but doesn't have words to talk about it. So he's controlling the one thing he knows how to.

If you can try to keep your cool when he does it and help him find words to describe what he's going through that will help. Make him help clean up all the messes of course, and use an appropriate consequence to let him know he needs to use the toilet.

But recognize the connection between his behavior and what is happening in his family. In most families, the mother is the primary caregiver, and he is at an age when separation can be hard even under the best circumstances. It was probably really scary for him to be away from you for a weekend. First overnighters away from Mom are hard even when there is not a divorce going on. Kids his age are too young to understand the dynamics behind the divorce, but usually feel a sense of abandonment instead. He is probably acting up more with you than with his father because he feels safest with you.

If you can continually reassure him that even though you are divorcing he will always have his mother and you'll always be there for him, that will help. Make sure he knows that you love him despite the messes he makes, and that you have confidence he'll start using his toilet again soon. If he continues to act that way, don't feel guilty about going back to pull-ups or diapers if you need to. Try not to shame him but help him find other things he can be in control of. Give him lots of choices on things that don't really matter (like which shirt he wants to wear, or if he wants to brush teeth first or wash face first, etc.)

Reassure, reassure, reassure that even when he goes away for the weekend, he will get to come back and that both his parents love him and will keep him safe. Try to find time to give him a lot of attention when he isn't "being creative" with his poop, as hard as that is when you are a single parent. It's really important that you get support for yourself too, so you can have the energy and strength to deal with all this.

Kids respond differently to divorce depending on their own developmental stage. But I can't emphasize enough: for a child your son's age, the biggest feelings associated with divorce are usually fear, concern about loss of caregivers, feeling unsupported and abandoned. A child your son's age worries that he won't have anyone to help him when he needs help, and often takes absences of one parent (when on visitations with the other) as rejection of him. He needs to be told again and again and again that he will continue to have the nuturing support of both his parents and that whatever changes he goes through, he will still have the basics of love and support.

Instead of trying to get your ex-husband to send his girlfriend away, talk to your ex-husband about maintaining the exact same routine at his house as your son is used to at home. If he can have the same type of PJs, similar type meals, same daily activities and bedtime routine, same songs, etc. that will work wonders to helping your son feel secure with the new situation. And he's less likely to act out then.

Just my two-cents as a child of divorce. I wish you healing and strength as you face this and work to support your kids as well.

Hello L., Wow, you have a lot going on! If you find reading supportive, I totally recommend, "How to Talk so Your Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk," by Faber and Mazlish. It sounds like your son is very angry and acting out his emotions. The book gives lots of ideas and skill for attending to the emotions of our children.

It sounds like your son is very loved by yourself and his dad. Trust yourself and your son. You will find your way. ~T.

I am also recently divorced. And I have two children, a four year old son who isn't potty trained and a six year old daughter. The first thing that comes to my mind is to create discussion with your son. Talk about everything and prayer never hurts. Divorce is so hard to go through, but you aren't alone.
S.

That is a very difficult situation. I am very concerned about your son. He must have a lot of agression if he is acting out this way. I am a psychology student that wil be getting my MA in counseling this fall and I can only suggest that you not be afraid to get him therapy because this type of behavior is pretty extreme and I think he needs an outside source to help him work through his issues before they become too detrimental.

Kids regress, especially through tough times. It will be a lot of adjustment for your son and this is a huge change in his life. Your ex and you have to be consistent and on the same page. I would explain to your son how many yucky germs are in poop and have him help clean up his mess!!!!!! I would also maybe consider putting him with a therapist that specializes in play therapy. It is a great way for a child to get out his feelings without realizing what he is doing. My daughter went through a rough patch last year before her sixth bday and I found a great therapist recommended by my Pediatrician. He needs a constructive manner to get out his worries, there is no protecting him really and what you need to do is be honest about the divorce on his level. I didn't do that with my daughter and children will draw their own conclusions if you don't talk to them. Just very matter of fact question and answers with him, nothing above what he can handle. It is essential you and your ex NEVER badmouth each other and yes, your husband shouldn't have his girlfriend anywhwere around your son until he has time to understand stuff and get used to it all. That is selfish on your ex's part. That can cause a lot of confusion for a three year old! Hang in there, I guarantee having him help clean up his mess, then a reward chart for doing what he should, then talking to him about what he has fears about will help the situation. Seriously find a therapist around there that works with children in play therapy.

My ex-husband left when our children were 5 weeks, 18 mos, & 51/2 yrs. I've read a lot of good ideas on here! Having him help with the clean up is a great idea, we took my oldest to see counselor and enrolled him in karate to help with anger management. You can also get him some cool art supplies - Color Wonder - to help him be creative appropriately. One thing that helped me through things was journaling to vent - it helped me to be a better mom through a very difficult time. It was important to me and my kids, to not talk negatively about their dad to them at all. I knew he would have to answer some hard questions from them - we kept the lines of communication open and we hit a lot of pillows. Someone also said to me that my kids knew I wouldn't leave them, so they felt more comfortable around me to act out and misbehave - it changed my perspective! Hang in there! And prayer helps a lot!

The pooping and spreading it on the wall or carpet or wherever is a control thing. When young kids feel they their world has spun out of control or have experience a tramautic event, they will usually do the pooping thing as a way to regain control in this one area of their lives. They don't know how to express themselves verbally. It seems extreme to us parents, but it really it a sign that he is struggling with the recent changes in his life. He's trying to cope. Contacting Focus on the Family and getting a name of the good child therpist might help, but I'm not sure how much one can do with a 3 1/2 year that can't express himself well.

I would make sure your ex-husband and you do not fight in front of him. Maybe having the father stay and visit for 30 minutes or so when he drops him off at your house, would help. I would try to do a lot of things to reassure him that you both still love him and care for each other. It would also help for the father not to show affection to the girlfriend in front of him as this could be a source of the acting out once he returns home, but without the father accepting that there is a problem, you will have difficulty convincing him to refrain.

I'm not sure where you live but our church has a great program called Rainbows. I go to St Andrews UM Church in Highlands Ranch. I believe most Methodist churches have this program. It is for grieving and most of our 60plus children are going through divorce. It is an amazing program and has helped a lot of families with this issue and I believe the younges is 2 in the program. My church number is ###-###-#### and you can call them. Maybe they can recommed a program near you. Kuddos for you for taking charge now. My parents were divorced when I was 18 months old and I kind of got lost in the shuffle. You are doing the right thing getting some help!! I will keep you in my prayers. I know this is a tough time!!

My son was older when I was first divorced but he also acted more difficult after a visit. I don't think it is anything specific that your ex is doing, just something that your son has control over and he's letting you know that it makes him upset by upsetting you.

Try to not yell at him too much but give him something else that he can control, like picking an activity or helping you do something in his own way. He will eventually get used to the new way that you live and accept it, but don't expect that to mean that he won't test you at times, and threaten to go live with dad it seems to be part of the process. Good luck on all of this, it does get easier and you will learn to deal with all the twists coming your way.

L...
I'm not sure if this is correct but my opinion is that because you ex has a girlfriend maybe you son feels like he is not getting enough attention while he is over at his house so when he comes home to you he is doing whatever he can to get attention whether it is negative or positive.
You ex needs to work with you on this and ask his girlfriend not to be around on the weekends he has him until your son has adjusted. I went through a divorce in 2007 and I have a 5 year son who was going to daycare and using the restroom and had good sleeping habits, but after my ex introduced his girlfriend into the picture my son no longer wanted to sleep in his own bed and started having tamtrum before school so bad that they would call me to come get him. Then he started holding to go to the bathroom and would pee his pants. I did the samething you did I asked my ex to have his girlfriend set out of the picture for a while and it seem to help, it takes a while and the adjustment on the kids it harder then it is for us.
But it will get better just be patient with him and tell him everyday that no matter what happens that you love him..

My oldest daughter would act out after weekend visits and when he introduced a new girlfriend...she wasn't quite as creative as your son ;) but, when I started her in counseling (was a HUGE blessing and helped her tremendously) I learned that she didn't feel like her dad was paying attention to her when she was there. He took the same attitude your ex has - not a problem because it wasn't happening there. My daughter's counselor said that she felt safe and that was a big part of acting out, she would even tell me she hated me and she wanted live at her dad's...it broke my heart every time - kids want and need boundaries and acting out is one way of communicating this. She knew I would love her no matter what...BUT...I would also put my foot down and let her know when it wasn't acceptable behavior. Be firm but loving and give him extra praise when his behavior is good. Your ex may not be neglecting your son but, he might see it that way if the girlfriend is around while he is there or if there are few "rules."
You need to have him clean up his mess so he sees its not something to look forward and to remind him it is not acceptable. Thank him for cleaning up his mess but be careful not to "praise" him - he needs to realize that cleaning up is a natural consequence and not something he should be doing to get extra attention.
I have three daughters and all three had VERY different reactions and experiences during and after my less-than-pleasant divorce. I am no expert but, more than happy to share what worked for me!! You are in my prayers, I know it is hardest on the mom. You are doing the right thing to ask for help :)
I am in Salt Lake so, not too far away...a phone call away or even a short drive...

C.

I don't have specific advice as I have no personal experience with this situation. BUT, I do have a three year old who acts out in new situations. We have moved several times during her short life and introduced a baby sister to the family a few months ago. We try to give her control over something small, like where to put her toys or which drawers her clothes go in. Things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things, but they make it feel like her room. As far as your son, just make him know that he is loved, give him control over something because like a pp said, he is probably just feeling a bit lost and needs some control. With the pooping issue, I would make him help clean it up. My daughter has to help clean up ANY mess she makes and she knows it. Now that could be anything from holding the garbage bag to handing me paper towels if the mess is too gross or dangerous. But I would certainly grab a pair of rubber gloves and make him help pick up the poo. He doesn't have any qualms about picking it up to smear it on the wall. And as soon as it is clean, go into a different room and just smother him with love! I suggest a different room so that he doesn't associate creative pooping with getting your attention.

I May not know much but I have a 12 year old who's behavior changes every time he goes to his bio-dad's house, and his dad and I Are friends but i have seen that my son's roll is different in each home, in my hoime he is the eldest of 7 and at Daddy's house he is the baby. so just know the child is learning to conform to both enviroments, and to a huge change, and I can tell you this! I Hate it when people disrupt my plans and make me go somewhere or do something when ever they want me to, on their schedule and not mine (Even if I want to go). Your child will learn to get used to and even look forward to planning things with both of you, but remeber the dual rolls that are being thrust upon him and be patient but be firm in both homes so that the child feels safe, with a firm hand not wishy washy one don't let him get away with what he shouldn't in normal circumstances.
AND just FYI I Have 5 boys and twin girls and 3 years old is my least favorite age 6 is pretty snotty to in boys that is.
I Have found that I am the disaplinerian( wow how do you spell that)anyway and my son comes to me in times of crisis because he is safe in my home and his DAD is the play fun time and my son confesses that he doesn't dare talk to his dad because he feels uncomfortable and is afraid of falling out of favor. so don't be afraid to be the strong one and not the fun parent, your reward may take forever to notice but my son will be a teen soon and I get to help him solve his life's crisis.

Poop poopy do.. on the walls..peeing on the floor.. ucky...yes this is a response to major change in his life.. perhaps he is angry and feels out of control..ask your doctor if there are some serious problems cropping up.. I used to see some of this in foster kids I have cared for through the years.. all this from different reasons but never the less an annoying practice. First thing... have him clean up the mess with the wipes..Help him understand this is a pain in the neck and a hassle for you to clean up and he will have to clean it up from now on..(of course you will go behind and clean up at naptime with the clorox wipe but dont let him see you cleaning it up)explain that dogs and cats poop out side and little boys poop and pee on the potty...move on and dont dwell on the incidents after he has wiped them up.. work on a clean slate from each incident..dont give him the emotional response he is looking for..I hope this works..Nanny L.

My first thought is,maybe he is making your place bad enough for you to go live with Daddy again.
Have you ever made him clean up his own mess?
If not, then make him, and stand there until he does clean it up.
Do not, I repeat, do not let this child control the situation.
You did not plan to be divorced, it just happened and he needs to learn, yes even now at his age, that what he is doing is NOT acceptable behavior.
Good luck, and please keep us posted.

Hi L.,
I am guessing the divorce has caused some regression. I am not sure what the answer is but maybe put pullups back on him for a little while, while he adjusts to this change and then go back to reminding him what big boys do (it's not a matter of not knowing how) and hope that works. Divorce is a big change and it will just take some adjustment for everyone. Good luck.

That behavior is normal and happens a lot more than you might think. You son is having a hard time adjusting to the situation. My son did that kind of thing is school! You can try having him see a councilor or you can just keep reasuring him and hope he comes around. He is angry that Daddy is not there and is with someone else besides him and you. He may also be blaming himself for pushing Daddy away. He may also think that if he is bad enough Daddy will come back and take care of him. Try to get him to talk to you or someone else he should come around. Good luck, Stephanie