Help - Newton Falls, OH

I have 3 adult children, but I tried this. For the 4 older children, I ignored their rooms, dirty clothes,etc.,and just closed their doors. Then with the 6 year old, tried making cleaning fun and rewarding her with something special. Then try the same thing with the 12 & 10 year old. Try talking to the 18 year old boy as an adult. Tell him, using a soft quiet voice and treat him as the adult. He wants to be treated like an adult then tell him that you are worn out, tired of asking and lets try working as a team (there is no i in team approach. Hopefully he will gain respect for you and. They will all be watching him (big brother) and hopefully you will all be able to work things out. No shouting, no disrespecting, no acting out. Keeping the house clean is nice but they need to respect you and each other first. Good luck!! NanaDiane

I would be pulling my hair out - my kids are the same way and sometimes I feel mentally and physically drained - it is just easier to do it myself. I am fortunate in that I have my husband to help but I think he is too harsh and unrealistic in his expectations. You can go on the SuperNanny website and request help - here is the link - http://abc.go.com/primetime/supernanny/index?pn=apply. They will call you - who knows, maybe she will come and give the kids a visit!

unfortunately for you, it's going to be harder with older kids, but you've got to stick to your guns and actually follow through with any threats of punishment/discipline you give to them. If you say you'll take away their TV/computer time if they don't say, clean their rooms, then follow through and refuse to let them do it.

Remember, your job is to be a parent, not their friend, and if they don't like you, you've done a good job (usually). They'll appreciate it when they've grown up.

I heard of one family do this when their kids started getting disobedient. They practiced the concept that everything besides food, shelter and clothing is a privilege. And the other stuff can be taken away. I guess at one point the kid was sleeping on just a mattress on the floor, with clothes and meals provided for him. The tv, phone, stereo, any electronic equipment, any extra furniture, etc. was removed from his room. And he couldn't use the families' stuff until he became "part of the family" and helped out around the house. Oh, and he had to walk to school or take the bus (heaven forbid) because being driven or driving is a privilege.
He realized rather quickly what it means to have privileges and what it means to be part of a family.

You could also try looking at sites like www.focusonthefamily.org . They have quite a bit of parenting information. Anything by Dr. James Dobson is really good in my opinion.

Well, I'll keep you and your kids in my prayers. You should pray for your kids too. Prayer really does wonders! -A.

Hi E. :) I have 7 children (15,13,11,9,6,4,and 18mos). I do think that the older they get, the harder it is to handle them. They enter that age bracket where they think the world revolves around them, and your rules don't apply anymore. It means that you have to work harder to keep order.
Your summary is very brief, but it sounds like this has gone on a long time, and it's been a while since you've been in control. My suggestion to you (which is what my husband and I did some time ago) is to decide that your children are going to "boot camp". It takes a lot of constant work and stamina... We turned our home into boot camp, and the children learned that when we say it, they do it - no questions asked. When I call my children, they don't yell "what?" from another room - they come and say "yes mom?". When I tell them to do something, their only answer is "yes mom." It took a lot of consistancy and hard work to establish this foundation, but they are a joy to have around because they know their place, and show the proper respect. I wouldn't think twice about taking them into a store's china and glass dept - they would behave and nothing would get broken because I would tell them what I expect from them, and they would obey.
We started this approach when we found ourselves repeating the same requests all the time. I would call them 3 or 4 times before they would finally yell "what?". I would say 'pick up your toys' a couple of times, then say "pick them up or I will throw them away" and they still weren't jumping to their feet. Etc... So finally my husband and I said to each other that they need to be sent off to military school for a few months to whip them into shape... .... and that's when we both got the idea to bring boot camp to our house. I never use the "I'm counting to 3" tactic any more.
You would need to form a plan of what you expect from them, and the consequences that would follow for misbehavior, and then put it to work. I know it would be very hard doing it on your own, but the longer you wait, the harder it's going to be.
Good luck and God bless you.

Hello,

It sounds like you need to take away all privledges from them. Clean out their rooms, I mean everything only leave their clothes and bed. Definately no tv or computer. Put al their toys, music, tv etc in a locked closet that only you have the key. Kids can survive just fine without any toys or entertainment.

If they are interested in getting anything back, give them a chore chart. Clean their room, pick up their stuff from around the house, clean the dished, feed pets, sweep the floors, clean the bathroom, etc. when they earn 5 or more stars then they can have one thing back. Warn them that at the end of the month, anything they have not earned back will be sold on craigslist/ebay or given to good will.

Another idea is to take them to AWANA on wednesday nights at a local church.

Also take vitamin b high complex, it helps with stress and gives you energy!

I would read a parenting book called "Love and Logic". I used these discipline tactics as a high school teacher in an inner city school and they worked beautifully without yelling and loosing controll of the situation. I also used "Love and Logic" for my little ones. People tell me I have some of the best behaved children around. Good luck.

Consistent discipline is the only key. Don't give ultimatums that you won't follow through with. If you tell them to have their rooms clean or else they won't watch TV, make sure you enforce it. They will cry, scream and call you every name in the book, but tune them out. In the long run it will pay off. Don't let the oldest say "Well, I'm 18 and you can't tell me what to do". He is 18. If he does not want to follow your guidelines, then he needs a taste of real life. He can get his own place WITH HIS OWN MONEY. Support him with advice and let him know that he is welcome home as long as he lives there by your rules.
When any of the kids do anything right, no matter how small, give them lots of positive reinforcement. They will love how it makes them feel. Slowly but surely the balance will change. The good behavior will be more than the bad.

I have heard this a lot, about kids not listening to their mother... I too am a single mother of 3, ages 18, 16, and 14. Each of my children have separate chores that are expected of them everyday and the first time I came home from work to find their chores not done and all they'd done all day is watch tv and play on the internet, I told them "fine, no TV, no friends, and no computer until your chores are done". It's hard to enforce the rules when you're not home, so before I left for work, I unhooked the computer keyboard, mouse, and the cable box and took them with me (leaving them locked in the car of course)... and believe me, when I got home the house was spotless... my kids were miserable... but they learned their lesson. The hardest thing to do is following thru with punishment, but trust me it works, and now we laugh about that day when I took their favorite things to work with me. Now, I work for Juvenile Court, and my kids see all of these kids getting into a great deal of trouble... not going to school and not doing their homework---yes, they do drag you to court for that (truancy) and my two sons (who are the oldest) just a few days ago responded with "Mom, we never knew that was an option-- to not go to school and to not do their homework" and I knew I was doing something right. They also know that not doing their chores is NOT an option. Try explaining to them that you really need their help... that it's just impossible for you to be able to work a full time job and do ALL of the chores at the same time, and if they help out and do these things for you, then after work, you will have time for them and be able to take them to the skateboard park, and the other things they like to do (their reward for helping out)... I hope this helps and good luck :)

E.,

I can only imagine how frustrated you must be. I am an elementary school teacher that really struggled with management for the first few years. Try looking up Love and Logic. I know they have parenting classes and help. It really saved me in the classroom. Good Luck!

Hi E.-
You are a busy lady!!!! I would sit your kids down and explain to them that you need their help. They are old enough to take some respondsibility for how they live. Ask them what it is they don't mind doing and make that their job. Your 6 year old can dust. Your 8 year old can put dishes away. The older boys may be more difficult but the oldest should certainly see how hard it is for you to manage. As an incentive I would have movie night ( or something) each child could take turns picking a movie. Draw a name froma hat so it's fair. I appreciate how hard this is. I hope some of my suggestions help!! Good Luck!!

I have 4, 10 and under and I watch 2 after school and holidays etc. For me the only thing that works is tough love. I would sit the 18yr old down and say..Your an adult now, either follow the rules or find a new house. It sounds bad but this is what we spend 18yrs of our lives loving them for. To send them out. If he's going to listen he stays and that will make a huge impression on the younger ones. Then call a family meeting and let everyone know the choice thats been made. Make sure that you go into this meeting with your list of demands because you must stick to your topics. This is not a democracy but let them know that if they follow your rules you may allow them future imput. You MUST set up penalties and stick to them. They should be harsh. The first thing my children lose is freedom. No allowance, tv, phone, internet, toys or friends. Its one week for every offense. On top of that we call it slave labor. They have to do whatever we say when we say during that time or we add more time. If you stick to it even for a few days they give in but YOU HAVE TO STICK TO IT. It sounds harsh but the children in the neighborhood even come her and help they get the same treatment as my kids. There are usually 10 kids hear a day. They love the discipline and the rules. But make sure you give them benifits and explain everything to them like there adults not children they will respect that more. Your running a business here. Your the boss they are the employees and there job is to learn and grow. But also remember to reward good behavior. Movie night for the ones who listen, allowances for chores done. If chores aren't done someone else can pick up the extra cash buy doing them the next day. It took a week or two but now I even have the kids that don't live here picking up afer themselves and others. And everyone shares. There's still arguing its not perfect but what family is. Now we have fun and the house is almost always clean and farily orderly. I even had to do this with my husband to get him to help. It worked and we are all happy. Goos luck.

There is a really great book called, Boundries with Children. I think you will find it helpful for you and your children.

This may only work for the youngest of your kids, but I like it a little better than stickers because it encourages them to work together.

Recently I started a new thing for my girls to work together and be helpful...basically you need 2 jars with rocks in them (you could use marbles, jelly beans, anything really).
First, we talked about how the way that we act is viewed by God (who loves us all the time but wants us to make good choices). When we are loving, helpful, & kind to one another, how does that make God feel? (We then wrote those feelings on paper to label the jars.) When we are unkind, hurtful, not helpful to others, how does that make God feel? (Write on another paper.) Use paper slips to label jars and each jar is filled 1/2 full and has a label of "good/happy" or "bad/sad." We also talked about the verse Hebrews 10:24 "Let us consider how we may spur one another on towards love and good deeds." We went slowly through that verse to talk about each word and what it means altogether. Hope this helps!
This isn't my original idea, but I'm sure the friend who shared it wouldn't mind.

You have your hands full, E.- I will pray for you!
Blessings!

hello E.! wow you have a nice big family, which i want some day.
ok now as far as for your kids, you need to just take charge. the 18 yr old is gonna try and push you because he thinks he's a man now, so you should let him know your the mom. if you can... ask him to help you out alittle atleast in front of the other kids. let him know its hard on you and your stressing out. its not healthy for you or your kids so you need to relaxe every once in a while.
your 12 yr old is going threw an acward stage right now. let it be known that if he needs to talk to someone he can come to you or if he wont be ok with that, he has his older brother. you may have to take things away from him when he acts up.
the 10 yr old is probally just doing what she is seeing the others do and because their getting away with it she thinks she will to. start taking things away from her that she feels she cant live with out.
now your 8 yr old and 6 yr old can be put in a time out chair for the mins. of there age. like they do on nanny 911!!! when their good give them a sticker.
when they've been good all week they can help with diner, weather it be just picking out what to eat for helping you cook it. you want to reward them when their good, so they want to keep being good. make sure you have atleast one day week where its family day. maybe even let them pick what they want to do.
know ok i dont have much background on what type of mother you are so im not sure how well this will work for you. come up with rules and make sure they know what the rules are. post them up if needs be! when they break a rule you have to either take away or sit them in the chair. it will take a little time for them to get use to but it shouold work. for sure if your 18 yr old is able to help. well i hope i helped you out. good luck!!!
p.s- if you tell them they are gonna lose something when acting up you have to take it away and not give it back to them until you said you would or they will see they your not being the boss. do as you say!!! very important!!!!

I suggest this to everyone... but I ready this book that helped me a great deal with my children. My household runs efficiently, and my stress level is so much lower. I've learned to set boundaring and the kids know I mean business. I've heard this books works for older children as well. My counselor suggested it to me, and it's changed the way I discipline my children. We are all happier.

1-2-3-Magic. I bought it at Barnes and Nobles for about $15, and it was worth every penny.

It teaches you how to set boundaries, give a warning, use positive re-inforcement, and even deal with children with ADD and oppositional disorder. It should definitely work with your family. The key to success is being consistent.

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If they act irresponsible then they should be treated as such. If chores are not done, start taking away all things that they take pleasure in. Cell phones, video games, TV, music, ipods, etc. If they can't meet their curfew, take away their house keys and car keys. At curfew time, lock the doors! Make them wait in the cold awhile before letting them in. If they will not keep their rooms tidy, start taking the furniture. Throw the clothes on the floor, take the dresser. Dismantle the bed and leave them with a pillow and some blankets. Respect earns responsibility.

First & foremost.....are there consequences for NOT obeying?? If not, there needs to be. Otherwise, what's the point one way or the other.

You need to let them kno that there are consequences. If they think there are no consequences as children, what does that teach them about consequences for non compliance, poor behavior, etc. as adults??

You need to have a family discussion, set house rules and consequences when they are not followed. Let them help set those standards so they have a part in, but the FINAL SAY IS YOURS!!! Hopefully, you're NOT feeling bad about punishment or adhearing to the consequences. Being a softy only makes things WORSE FOR EVERYONE!!

Even young children can help with things like putting their clothes away, putting clothes in the dryer, etc. Praise and acknowledge good behavior and discuss what is appropriate and inappropriate. You need to discuss it whether it happens in your house, on TV or wherever and if it was inappropriate, what would have been the appropriate response? Where else are they going to learn this?

You need to have a sit down conversation with them and explain to them how important it is for them to help you. Use your words in a way that will get their attention. Make up a plan of action. What needs to be done, who is responsible for what, and how important it is that everyone needs to pitch in. Also explain to them if things keep going the way it is that you will run yourself into the ground and won't be around for ever. Make up a schedule on how it will be done. Make sure you express that you are the boss and what you says goes. If no reply then start taking things away. Don't give in to them. Because once you do they will keep taking and you will be back to square one. Spending as much time with them as you can. Have family meetings once or twice a week to talk about issues. Don't give up they really need you to guide them.
Mother of two daughters, 16 and 14.

E., hi. At the risk of sounding "mean", you've apparently let them get away with this kind of behavior in the past. Even if it's once. It's time to sit down and have a frank discussion with each of those children. All at one time. Let them know you don't treat them in that manner(or do you) and you expect them to treat you with the same type of respect. Let them know they will behave with respect from now on and point out what each one needs to be doing to help run the household. You haven't said whether you are a single parent or not. Your spouse should be backing you up 100% on this. If no spouse then it's up to you to let them know the rules and as hard as it is - it's up to you to enforce those rules and keep enforcing them. Also - show them alot of love. Let them know you need help but you also can be bending when the need arises. It's definitely not easy being a parent. But so worth it in the end. Stick to your guns. They are your responsibility. Good luck~

Hi E. my name is M. and I just read your e-mail Help. E. is there a male figure in your kids lives like a father or grandfather or an uncle? It is a known fact that children listen to an adult male quicker than they do an female. If so maybe they can help you by backing you up. I use to make my children stand in the corner for time out. And I would threaten them and say I'm going to tell your dad when he gets in. Try taking their playstation away from them if they have any kind of electronic gamess. Don't let them watch tv or talk on the phone. Whatever their interest is focus on using that as a disclipenary tool. I hope I've helped you somewhat. I will be praying for your situation Mrs.M

E. it is all about consistency....Whichever plan you come up with to get you out of this you have to be willing to follow through with it.....It sounds like you are going to have a tough road ahead of you but you cant give up or back down....I agree with the other mom who suggested taking everything away. I think that means everything too! I have done that before and it worked wonders.... The 18 year old should be helping you too! He is too old to be adding to your frustrations. He needs to help or hit the door. He is too old to be living with you and not helping out! SO I would give him the choice help or move on. You have too much to do to try to deal with him....THe other kids are still young and if you can get him in line and helping you he can set a good example for the younger kids. Or if he decides to leave maybe the younger kids will see what happens when they dont want to behave!

Hey E.,

I took my snow shovel and I put it by the door to my 13 year olds bed room for a day or two. Told her that I was going to use to it clean her room if she didn't. She didn't, so everything on the floor went into garbage bags. I only sifted through school and library books and things that I could sell. When she came home, I told her that if I was going to be cleaning her room, she would only have the things that I had time to pick up, which was not much. It got her attention, she helps more, but now I can deal with what I have to do for her.

If they insisit on making you be the one who cleans up, let them know just how little you are willing to clean! Not willing to do dishes? I think cereal or a peanut butter sandwich is enough for dinner, if that is all the dishes you are willing to do. As long as they have clothes, a place to sleep and enough food (food they don't like is still good food) don't worry about thier complaints, stick to your word, tell them once you see that they are willing to be resposnible for helping, you will provide more for them to use, if you have to take care of it all yourself, it will be only what you can do in one 24 hour period and still have time to sleep and put your feet up for a while, which is not very much so they can step up or do without!

It worked in our house!

M.

I don't have older kids yet and don't know what you are going through, but I have loved the books Love and Logic, they have a website, just google love and logic by Charles Fay. On it they have a link to their weekly radio show that talks about different topics each week.
He also has another book called Parenting with Love and Logic, Teaching Children Responsibility. It's great.
Hope you can find time to look at them, I'm sure you are busy and have your hands full.
A.

Get the book by Dr. Kevin Leman, Making Children Mind Without Losing Your Mind. Great reality discipline ideas in this book!

Hi E., First you have my sympathy. You have a lot to handle by yourself. But wow! Things are getting out of control. You have to take charge or it will just get worse. First, if you have an 18 year old, you don't have to support him any more. If he wants to live at home, then he needs to set a good example for the other kids and be a help to you. Tell him: he needs to treat you with respect, pick up after himself, help around the house when he's not at work or studying. (You didn't say if he is working or in school). At this point with the younger kids, try praising them when they are helpful. Pick one thing you'd like them to do -- maybe keep their clothes off the floor. Whenever you see one of them pick clothes up and put it away, give him a hug and kiss and say thank you. Don't turn to the other kids and say "See what he did? Why can't you...?" Just make sure the others notice the love and approval their siblings got.
You've got a long way to go with this, but you can do it, and the time to start is now. Good luck. Let us know how it goes. S.

Hi E.
I have 5 kids and was a single mom. Well number one the 18 year old needs to be told that, This is my house and if you don't do the thing I ask then you need to go get your own place to live and live by your own rules. the rest you need to stop doing thing for them. I need a ride well I need the house clean when you are done with that you get a ride. Don't let them use the phone,TV, computor, or anything else until its done. no friends no going anywere. no new toys. But you have to stick to it. I don't know if you beleive in spankings. But it dose wonders. I don't mean beat them but 3 good wacks on the butt never hurt my kids or me. It's call respect and you are the only one that can demand it. and with them talking back to you do all the same things plus when it happens look at them with the means face you can muster up and say I don't know who you think your talking to but this is my house and my rule and your not going to talk to me like that, this my be your home but I pay the bills and it my house.
I hope this helps all of it has done wanders with my kids.
I also had a freind that had the same problem and she never did what stook to here guns and now her Daughter is all messed up on drug. I just pray that you get ahold of thigs and it dosen't happen to you.
G. W.

Hello E.:
WHEW...you certainly have your hands full :) My advise to you ..don't let them be the "pack leaders". You have to maintain the alpha status, or they will all over-run you and your abilities to discipline them or guide them as a mother. If you take away some of their most prized priviliges, they will understand that there is a new "sheriff" in town...their old behaviors will not be tolerated, and this will show them that rules are rules and they need to mind you, or face the consequences. Don't give in to them...they will try your patience all the more when you're trying to implement this new technique with them. Keep ridin' that horsey and you will break them of the nasty behaviors while teaching them responsibility and respect...GOOD LUCK and don't give up...they're worth it!