Help!!! Advice on How to Handle My 9 Year Old

I was a teacher for 8 years and the Love and Logic program helped me with problems in the classroom. We also had events for parents using this program. It is really great!

www.loveandlogic.com

This behavior may be his way of getting you and your husband's attention. What children want more than anything is the attention of their parents and although positive attention is preferred, they'll take negative attention over no attention. You mentioned that you and your husband both work, which leads me to believe it may be your son's way of getting your attention. I am a single working mom of a now 17 year old and when he was younger, I had similar problems. I actually enrolled in Tuesday's Child's program, (parenting program). Which is where I learned that negative attention, (yelling, etc.), from parents is preferable to a child over no attention. Please keep in mind that I am sure you pay attention to your child...as I did. Some children just need more than others. Although Tuesday's Child is for children from 3-6 years of age, I think some of the things I learned could be applied here. Pay attention to the things your son is doing that you approve of. I was guilty of not doing this, (if my son was playing quietly, I took that opportunity to do chores, laundry, cleaning, phone calls, etc. Check-in, see what he's doing and complement him on it...wow, you are really good at that video game, that's amazing what you built with your legos...whatever. Make sure that what you are saying is genuine, (i.e., with respect to the video game, you may not approve of the time that he spends playing, but you can still appreciate his hand-eye coordination).

Specifically with the getting ready in the morning, give him a timer and set it. So let's say he has 10 minutes to get dressed, set the timer for 10 minutes, then challenge him...see if you can be ready before the bell rings. Now, it's a game he can win...praise him for beating the timer! You can get creative and reward him..if he beats the timer 4 out of 5 days, Monday-Friday, you all can do something he likes to do on Saturday.

Yelling does absolutely no good and it can damage a child's self-esteem. I was guilty of yelling also, it didn't work for me or my son, so I stopped.

These a just a few suggestions, you can make a game out of almost anything...my son used to like to walk through puddles, as all children do so instead of saying "Don't step in the puddle", I would say..."See if you can keep your feet dry". This works everytime and I now do it with children I babysit for, my nieces and nephews, etc.

Hope this helps,

J. Penfield
www.teamwahu.com
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NR,

I don't have a child that age yet. BUT, I've been very involved in my younger sister's life. She's 15 now and you aren't dealing with anything that any other Mom/Dad hasn't come across or will come across. In our small office of 5 employees, we have parents of a 17 y/o boy, 15 y/o boy, 15 y/o girl, 14 y/o boy, 12 y/o girl and 8 y/o girl.

We have spent HOURS discussing the difficult issues that we all face as parents. As the Mom of a 22 month old, I just wonder what the heck I signed up for! ;)

Anyway, know that you aren't alone. My Mom has DAILY battles with my sister about getting to the bus on time. She tries to insist on being packed up the night before, but my sister thinks "that's dumb". Nevermind that she rushed out of the house just yesterday forgetting her cleats and socks for her softball game.

As an outsider listening to the other parents talk, I can see a common issue with them all. The kids seem to lack the ability to concentrate on anything that's not important to them at the immediate moment. My suggestion would be to post some guidelines (a list or chart or whatever) that clearly line out what needs to be done every day. It may seem basic, but it will give your son a constant reminder of what's expected. For example, when he comes home from school homework is the first priority. No TV, video games, internet until homework is done OR until Mom or Dad gets home. After that, then chart out what his duties are before or after dinner. Help with setting/clearing table. Whatever. Make it crystal clear so that he knows exactly how time is allotted. It may also show him that YOUR time is just as important and that you and your DH don't have the luxury of dragging your feet and doing things at whatever pace you choose. You know?

As full time working parents, we have the challenge of trying to bring balance to the lives of our family. The days are too long at work and the evenings seem to fly by. It's frustrating to be constantly fighting with your child about what seem to be such simple tasks to us!

Good luck.

T.

How about having him take showers at night before bed. That would save you a great deal of time. Also no tv in the mornings before he is ready for school or not tv at all in the mornings.

Welcome to the world of the pre-adolescent/adolescent boy! My oldest, a boy, is 13 and we are STILL dealing with these issues. I fear it will carry on into the teens. They are simply being who they are. They are not trying to make us nuts, it's just the age. There are a LOT of changes going on and that is what is causing the scattered brain syndrome. I can only offer encouragement that you are not alone and suggest timers, reminder notes (think "string on the finger"), and patient reminding ("Five more minutes in the shower...wash your hair...2 more minutes..." etc.) I know it sounds nuts, but that helps them see how time passes. Another option is a kitchen timer. When the bell rings, it's the 5-minute warning. I think they just get caught up in their own world and check out. It will get better, but at the risk of sounding gender prejudiced, it DOES tend to be a guy thing too. My best to you!

Hi NR,

My nine year old is the same. I had better luck when I kept a morning chart for her. That way I am not the one telling her what to do and she feels proud and independent looking on her chart. You can buy magnetic ones at Target from time to time. I guess you can have allowance or another "prize" for doing well for the week with this. Have a perk at the end of a successful morning: If he is done early before needing to leave for school: can watch 15 minutes of TV, or can draw, etc.

Good luck!

Barbara

Buying my son a watch really helped when he was younger. Make sure you get one with an alarm. A kitchen timer helps too. My biggest problem was in getting him to pick up dirty clothes every day and put them into the laundry. I finally told him he would wake up one day without clean clothes and he would have to go to school in pj's. And thats exactly what happened. In addition to that, he had to wash his own laundry for a week. Never happened again.

Hi!

Have you thought about doing a behavior chart? Maybe you can create a checklist of tasks you would like him to accomplish daily within a given time (maybe use a timer). Every task that he completes within the alloted time will earn him a sticker on a chart. If he achieves so many stickers in a day then he can earn a small reward (come up with a list together). This can be some one-on-one time like playing a game, helping you with a special task like cooking dinner, coloring, 10 minutes of a favorite show/activity, whatever is motivating. Then you can give a large reward at the end of the week if he meets a weekly goal like going to a movie, going out for ice cream, going to the park, etc. Start with an achievable goal, or it won't work. Then as the weeks pass, make the goal more difficult to achieve little by little until you final have him doing the tasks on his own. The key is being consistent:) Hope this helps.

Welcome to the TWEENS!
I have a 10 yo girl and an 8 yo boy. I deal with it everyday. The only thing I can say to maybe help you is be consistant with your routine. change nothing and also add a chore chart and offer up a chance to earn an allowance.

That's it for now, off I go to get my son to stop jamming on his guitar and get him ready for school! HAHA!

N.R.,

I have a 9yr old daughter who is the same way. I need to get some help in this area as well. One thing that I am planning to do is set an alarm for maybe 10 minutes before I need to be out the door.

Does he have all his clothes/backpack and anything else needed for school set out the might before. I find that just that helps in getting everyone out of the house on time. Also, maybe he could shower in the evening before bed instead of in the morning.

I feel your pain, as I have 3 girls I have to get ready and out in the morning.

I can't help much, but what about using timers or alarm clocks to get him to finish things in a certain amount of time (like showering, etc)

I would try the timer too. Also, what about a check list style daily calendar, a copy in his room and/or one on the fridge.

What will happen if he doesn't do something... what is the consequence if you are not the one to make him follow through?
Is there a way you can start small, and allow him to mess up a few times and learn for himself?

Best of luck!

I have a 9 year old daughter. She is the same way :) She is testing us to see what will happen if she doesn't do what she is supposed to. She usually only has about 15 min to get ready for school - since she slowly gets her self ready in the morning. I'm not sure if it's just the age? One day she can be so helpful and the next just lazy. Try using a timer and set it for 10 min. then He will know it's time to get out and needs to get ready.

My son's school district sponsored a 6 week, 2 hr session per week class called Parenting with Love and Logic that we attended in the fall. We went originally to help us find new solutions to our 3 year old who is as smart as whip and just loved to manipulate us and make us nuts. I too was tired of yelling.
After going to the workshop, we bought some more of their books and CDs and now I am a true believer that their methodology works and makes you, the parent, a happier person and helps kids to become responsible thinkers. The premise of their method is using empathy and employing logical consequences for behaving undesirably. I suggest going to their website and checking out some of their books - it really is good stuff and I am happier. The tough part is really changing how YOU react to the kids - and not just react with what comes naturally (which in my case was nagging and yelling.) Give it a try - we really love them. Another key is to have your hubby's buy-in and support. Good luck.