Help-husband Thinks I Lack Motivation- I Say My Disabilities Impair Me at Times-

A.,
I can understand some of your predicament though not all of it. I have some health concerns that limit my abilities ~ more some days than others. My husband also knew this and was prewarned. I am not classified as disabled and my body tends to go through cycles where I have good weeks and bad weeks. Bad weeks get really bad, and good weeks can range from just OK to really wonderful.

Lately I've been able to break out of some of the cycle by imposing a bit of a routine on myself. It is rough and its a constant battle but I think it is working. Being an overacheiver it is hard when I can't acheive what I would like to, so I've had to readjust my standards ~ especially when the bad weeks hit. I plan my day the night before and plan in large blocks of down "rest" time and a few simple activities through the day. We are beginning to see some progress both in the condition of our home and how I feel from day to day. Of course there are still days when I literally work myself weary and other days when I have to use all my strength to take care of my daughters. Overall though, there is an improvement.

My husband and I have been married for 4 years, and have 2 beautiful children. Even though their pregnancies were high risk, we hope to have more children some day, and getting to that goal means a lot of Dr's appointments to check up on my health, and lots of Dr's appts for my youngest who was born extremely prematurely after we lost our home to a fire. Having a goal that means so much to me has given me tremendous strength. It encourages me to eat better, to do more and more to get to my goals, and it has helped me fight of depression which I am very prone to.

The most difficult part of my marriage is the lack of support from my husband, and the constant complaining he does when things aren't clean to his standards. He and I both have very high standards, but due to a variety of circumstances keeping things in order has been difficult since we got married. I tend to harbor a lot of frustration and guilt. Frustration because I wish I could do better, guilt because I'm not doing what I'd like and also because I am letting my husband down. Now, he definitely has things to work on such as doing the small chores around the house that are asked of him (emptying cat liter and taking out trash are his ONLY chores and he rarely does either) and I would enjoy if he could stop having temper tantrums (he's 30!!). It is very hard to gauge how I am doing since we both have extremely high standards and we both tend to get easily discouraged. In my situation some of the guilt is warranted, and some of it is not, and I'm guessing that you may be struggling with some of the same feelings.

Feeling inadequate often escalates our emotional response. There are a variety of things that make us feel inadequate and often we don't recognize them. Sit down with your husband and try to find out what he appreciates about you. Write them down and remind yourself of them often. Try to get him in on encouraging you by telling you when you've done something he appreciates. Find out how you can make his day better and special within your physical means and concetrate on those tasks. Tackling a few things well can have bigger benefits than doing lots of things half way. Perhaps rethink how things run in your family. Trying new things can't hurt since what your doing now isn't working for you. Perhaps start a calendar. Start with all your appointments and responsibilities on it. Then mark in what your paid help is responsible for. Evaluate if what you are paying them for is really helpful or if having them do a different task would be more beneficial. Assign chores to everyone that has a responsbility in your home ~ INCLUDING YOUR DAUGHTER (who shouldn't need to be paid for 10 min of work). Once "chores" are assigned, pencil in your portion of the chores on the calendar. Make sure your portion is manageable and find ways to work them into your daily duties. Last, make up a few symbols that can help you identify how you feel each day such as a happy face for a good day and a sad face for a bad day. If it was a happy day make a small notation on why (or if it were bad, why). After a month or so of monitoring what you do each day you'll be able to identify if your doing what you are capable of or if you are doing too much or not enough. If you are managing it well, then you'll need to find ways to realize that you are doing all that you are physically capable of while maintaining/fighting to improve your health.

You need to find ways to reduce your feelings of guilt so you can feel better about yourself AND your husband. I often feel as though my husband is a horrid monster who can't stand me when in reality a lot of the time he's really only slightly upset that the dishes didn't get washed and a combination of his not communicating that well and my feelings of guilt causing his complaints to seem much more harsh than they are. Finding ways to get rid of the guilt will help ease your communication with your husband and help you to each understand each other better.

If you ever need to talk, please feel free to email me.

Hope you are feeling better soon!

(PS. I have very bad joint pain, especially in my back since I have severe scroliosis and I have a heating pad that has become my best friend. Portable heat sources that can be worn while I do my tasks are also extremely helpful, and I do a lot of theraputic baths when possible. Sometimes its the little things that help me function the best!)

hi, well i also have fibromyalgia and bipolar. I am in pain constantly I will be a little harsh at first but please read the whole thing. Everything I have read and from my own personal experience is with fibromyalgia you need to do at least light exercise. I know how hard it is to get out of bed but you need to find something that will motivate you. I am not talking about stuff around the house i mean something for your health. A walk around the block, or somerthing like that. I go to the Ymca 4 days a week and do water classes, I also do some cardio. It took a while before I worked up to the work out i do know. The water makes me feel so good. But if you stay still and not stretch those muscles it only gets worst. I do small things that help me around the house When i go grocery shopping I buy my meat for the week. I put each differwent meat in a ziploc bag with marinade so when my husband comes home he picks which one he wants to eat. Then cooks it on the grill. All i have to do is side dishes. I dont mean to come off as higher than now or not understanding what you are going through. I also see a physciatrist once a week for group therapy. I do accupunture 3 times a month and message therapy 1 a month. I am so sorry for you that you are feeling this way. Please for me try to do something exercise for your self this week. I feel my husband does not get sometimes either.but he atleast respects me because I am trying to do everything i can to combat my disease. I told you all i do and am still in severe pain but I feel so good in the water and right after i have worked out. My pain even wakes me out of sleep. what meds are you on. have you tried lyrica? Well i have gone on long enough so good luck, i am sincere in my hope for you. I also have a daughter who is in college , I was always worried what she thought about me lying around. As you know we look fine so people dont unsderstand. I have lost 60 pounds and my husban and daughter are proud of me which motivates me to keep moving. Then there are days when i just cant go any further,so i just rest.They then know just how bad ny pain is. I could go on about my syptoms but I have gone on long enough.Every once in a while I buy my husband a card thenking him for his support in helping me around the house. Which reminds him of my condition because he tends to forget again we look fine. I also take a small nap everyday after i have done something for myself. I am also on disability . T.

I had CFIDS/Fibromaligia throughout high school. The realitiy of the illness is that it is still one of the most misunderstood illnesses out there...i dont think there is anything you cando to "change " your husband...except to give it time

Different things help different people with this disease...but this is what FINALLY worked for me
1. I was tested for "food sensitivies" by a naturopath...I wasn't buying it, but figured I would give the drastic diet a try - and was shocked and amazed to be almost 100% well with in weeks...even took a kickboxing class and dropped a ton of weight. I can now eat a normal diet and am fine! The doctor I saw is in West Hartford, Dr. Nancy White

2. What worked for my friend with FM- going off Lipitor...not sure which came first for you, but it might be worth asking your doctor about.

3 There is a new Fibromyalgia clinic in Norwalk, they see people from all over New England...my niece is RN case manager there. Anyway there website is www.fibroandfatigue.com

HTH...hang in there...it is so hard to deal wtih people who dont understand and think your lack of motivation is caused by your disease.

Hi A.,
First off let me start off with I am sorry that you have to have such troubles/disabilities. 2nd, I know that your husband can probably be a great man deep down inside, the way you portray him in your post though makes him out to seem like a selfish monster. I do not understand why he would expect all of these things from you, knowing full well you probably can not do them. I think it would be best for him to fully understand your illness and if he has to go and sit at your doctors office with you to get it, then so be it. I also do not think you should have to pay someone to do your laundry, make your daughter buck up and start doing things around your home. I understand she may have ADHD, that however does not excuse her from doing some chores around the house and helping you out. You shouldn't be paying her for doing 10 minutes of work around the house. It sounds to me like you are too tired to disipline your daughter, which yes, I feel for you in the regard that you may be tired a lot, but you have to try to push on through that and make sure your daughter is diciplined and well taught as well.
Also a bit concerning is the fact that every night your husband comes home and then goes over to a friends house. That is time you guys could be spending together. I think you guys need some marriage counseling because it seems as though he is resenting you for some reason and you are resenting him as well.
I wish you the best of luck,
J.

Husbands all think we woman/mothers never do enough! But I want to suggest to you that you go and see a homeopathic doctor for all of your issues. He can help with fibromyalgia, arthritis, bi-polar, weight gain, depression all of it!
I know many people probably including you disagree with that type of medicine but think of it this way are regular doctors helping you? Apparently not! The website is www.maxhealing.com the doctors name is Mark Dana Mincolla, Ph.d all of his associates are wonderful too. He helped my niece with bi-polar/ADHD, me with eczema, weight problems (thyroid condition) and anxiety, my husband and mom with fibromyalgia and dad with a number of things like diabetes.
Give it a try it won't hurt you! Sorry to hear about all of your health issues that is really horrible & your husband needs to be more understanding! Good luck.

Hello A.

I know how hard it is to take care of things when your body won't let you. I hope things get better. You can't do anything for your physical ailments, but if you work on your depression, it can give you a better outlook on things.

My suggestion for your daughter is to have a serious talk with her about your disability and make it clear that she needs to help out more around the house. As children with ADHD need more visual cues, you can create a daily chore chart for her with her help. Every time she completes a task, she'll get a sticker or check or whatever. If she fills say 75% of the chart by the end of the week, then she'll get a set amount of money for allowance. This way she gets visual cues about what she needs to do and positive reinforcement. If you want to use negative reinforcement, you can have a rule that if she doesn't get say 50% of her chores done in one day, she'll forfeit 5 dollars or more of her allowance at the end of the week. Or take priveleges away like X amount of phone time, or TV time, or something she really enjoys doing. Just see how it works. Be sure you create the positive and negative reinforcements WITH her input so that she can feel as though she has some control over what happens to her when she doesn't meet expectations. She needs to know why she is doing things and she needs to have clear expectations about rewards and consequences. She's old enough to have a say in her won rewards and consequences.

You can get more ideas for this from her teacher or from websites for teachers. Speaking as a teacher, I want you to know that MOST teachers don't mind helping you work out plans for your child at home because it helps in the classroom too. Just tell her teacher what you want to accomplish at home and what your daughter's response has been. I'm sure she'll have some helpful techniques and as a bonus, she'll probably support the idea in the classroom as well.

Look for "classroom management" ideas and tweak it for your daughter. Those techniques work well for individuals and classrooms.

As for your husband, it's hard to blend a family even if it's with one child. Your husband seems to expect a lot from you because you stay at home. Family counseling couldn't hurt. In fact, it sounds like it's really needed.

As for getting him to be more empathetic with your situation, how about getting him to come with you to one of your doctor's appointments?

This way he can talk to the doctor himself about what he thinks you should do around the house and the doctor can let him know in realistic terms what he can and cannot expect.

Let him see some x-rays of your bones so that he can have a visual picture of what is happening to your body. I suspect he has no clue what your physical ailments are and what they are doing to your body. Have the doctor explain to him what bipolar means and how it affects the person and the people around them.

People can be really insensitive when they've no understanding of what you are dealing with.

I know you are doing the best you can. I hope my suggestions help a little.

~H.

Hi A.,
I'm wondering, have you ever been tested for lyme disease? I'm also worried that your medications are making you even sicker than the original diseases. There is a book out there called Allergies Diseases in Disguise that I think is worth checking out. You are so young to be suffering so much! I honestly believe you can get better, but you need to go down a different road because the one you're on just isn't working.

I have a friend with fibromyalgia who has gotten great relief from water therapy. It allows for movement without stressing the joints so much. Have you considered acupuncture, massage therapy, or reiki? I hope you find your way back to health!

While I can't say I know how you feel because I don't have any of the conditions you listed, I hope I can give you a little direction on what to do. Doctors who are only medically trained will usually approach you with a few drugs, but they will only cover up the symptoms and make you dependent. This will never reach the underlying causes of your diseases. Most physical impairment is always related to your emotions, and of course it doesn't help your illness when nobody around you understands you and you just get more focused on how hard it is for you. You should really look into natural ways of treating your conditions, and start with your mind. I am guessing you feel bitter toward your husband and sometimes daughter and you are harboring a lot of unforgiveness, it is a heavy emotion to live with and will only make your disability worse. I suggest you go to www.mercola.com. Please ignore all the ads on his website as he tries to sell a lot of things. But it is a good site for information on how to deal with many illnesses without drugs (which usually just cause more illnesses and have endless lists of side effects). Just search for Fibromyalgia or Rheumatoid Arthritis in the search box and you will find many articles on ways to treat these conditions, make sure to scroll all the way down, often people post responses to the article and write what has helped them personally.

Again, I'm sorry I can't really help you substantially and I don't know how to advise you on your husband, but maybe you'll find some helpful info on that site regarding your disabilities.

I'm not going to give you any advice because I don't know anything about any of those diseases I do beleive in the power of exercise even if ony light and moderate exercise. It's great for your mind and your body and I'm just completely shocked that you are so young and these diseases are just completely taking over your life! You are not 80, you are 30! I think you need to really take the bull by the horns and speak to your doctor and get your meds situated, try to eat healthy, try to get some fresh air.. do whatever you can, not for your hubby, but for you.

If your cat litter box is overflowing, your rubbish bin is filled and not taken out, this is a problem. Disabilities can be overwhelming, but you can't fall back on them as an excuse to live unhealthily.

You mentioned you have someone coming to help you 2-4 hours a week, which is great. I think you need to explore more why you are unable to function during the day. Speak to your physician about adjusting your medication. Speak to a therapist about your depression. Your marriage and your child deserve it. Good luck to you :)

I am sorry to hear about how your husband doesn't understand. One thing that might help is if you take him with you to see your doctor and let him/her explain to him what you can and can't do. Also your daughter needs to help. Have you thought about family counselling? Your husband needs to support you on this even though you take care of everything with your daughter. Is your daughter on medication or receiving care for her adhd. You may want to do an online search for services that can help with your daughter. Good luck, hope this helps!

Sounds to me like the medicine your taking is more dibilitating than the actual disease.
My dad has Fibromyalgia and has done natural medicine..he did Vitamin C treatments and I forget what else.

Personally I think you need a Natural meds doctor..have them do a vitamin and mineral screen see what your depleted on..You have to take your life in to your own hands, if you want to be apart of life.

When the medicine makes you sicker than the disease there is your first sign to take control of your self and your life. Because meds are suppose to make you feel better no worse,and when they dont you have to know this is WRONG.
Doctors are only human and are not always right. My mother has Scleraderma..which is cripling and she takes natural meds she has had this for over 10 years her one hand is crippled and the other is getting there. She has good days and bad days to but she does not let it take her over. She says she will not give in and not give up on her self, no one or no thing will keep her down, she is a very strong willed woman. Who was out playing Croquet last weekend and could hardly hold a mallet, but was not going to let that stop her.
You have to over come the mental part of the dibility which is very hard to do. The mind is a strong force and it can keep you up or put you down in an instant if you let it. Mind over matter really is a strong force.

Please try not to use the dibility as a reason ..or fall back on it as an excuse. I understand not feeling well trust me..but I think if you let it ..it will convince you in your mind that your worse...

Be strong, take your life back, and do what you have to for you. Praying for strength as weird as it sounds...if you talk to the universe it will talk back.

I wish you well and I hope for you .that you get better soon. Be a strong woman and take control.

Hi A.,

Aside from your disabilities, it's hard to have motivation, when you are also now depressed. I'm sure depression by itself is causal to your other ailments as well. I battle with depression off and on, and more recently, since my family moved accross the country, and have no other family near. I also began staying home for the first time in all of my life. I've worked since I was a small child on a farm, and have known nothing else but hard work. On top of it all, staying home with 3 kids has not been a piece of cake, and keeping the entire house clean, kids fed, and taking care of myslef has been the toughest job I've ever had. Kudos to all of those stay-at-home mothers! I never knew how hard this was. But I still feel depressed that I'm not out in the work force, have gained weight, among other things. None of my problems are by any means camparible to yours, this I know.

There is something that has helped me almost rid myslef of the depression, and take more control of my health, and energy-level as a whole, that I'd like to share with you, though. It's called "The Secret". It's a book (and a movie) that has changed my life. My husband is great, but he also didn't understand my depression, lack of energy, weight gain and such, and I just felt so betrayed by him. Well, this book has shown me how to take care of myself, and in doing so, my husband has become more helpful. As soon as he saw that I was willing to help myself, he jumped in to help. We talk more now too, and he's told me that it's very hard for men to help or understand those who don't seem to want to help themselves. Men are all about fixing things, and when they don't know how to fix the person they love, they don't offer the help that person needs. They offer help, once they have a solution, but they need guidance. When you begin helping yourself, he'll begin to see how to help, and will jump in. I highly reccomend you look into this book (or movie) "The Secret". It has changed my life, and has helped revive my marriage.

Good luck to you!

A., I have RA also, that is very hard to manage. I am allergic to most of the common Meds, so finding the correct combination has been a problem. Luckily, my husband is the demanding person I know. He does, however, forget about the fatigue and emotional sides of the disease at times. Even I forget that part of it at times and get frustrated with my "lack of motivation". It sounds like you need to talk to your doctors about finding a better combinations of meds so you can function better. You may want to look into a support system through your hospital for families with these types of health issues. Would your husband talk to other husbands about it? I understand your frustration, and you have to do what you can and let the rest be OK. It sounds like you have your hands full and you're doing the best you can. Ask your doctor about outside support! They should have some answers for you!

A.,

Let me first say that I empathize with your illnesses. Both diseases that you are battling are tough ones. Is there any chance that that he would be open to educating himself more about your illneses? If so, I recommend obtaining "From Fantigued to Fantistic" by Jacob Tietelbaum. He is an expert on fibromalygia (sp?). Not that you expect him to read the whole book, but even some excerpts so that he can better understand why it is even a chore to get out of bed sometimes. Your health is everything, and you sound like a wonderful caring mother and wife. I urge you to get the book and see if there aren't other avenues to pursue to get you feeling better. Good luck.

Dear A., I am new to this site and hope others don't rush to judge. I can only offer what has been my OWN exper. I've yet to meet others who truly understand Disability, unless god forbid, they have exper. it themselves. I've had my back operated on 3xs. Even though I have had pain everyday for that and Fibro, Arthritis even my own family, have no idea what it's like. I've even got an arrogant brother who gets pissed because I get a small disability! Not even half of what I used to make. But that's his problem. There are days when we can get out and about. Other times, I know only to well the story of feeling like it hurts to even breathe. Or the Idea of a shower feels almost unbearable. I just force myself in and somehow after the hot shower, my joints seem a little more fluid.
As far as depression, I too, had it in spades. In fact the label of PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) kept me practically housebound. I don't know about Miracles, but I did get some help 5 months ago that has improved the Depression by about 60-70%.
The technique used is not new, but not very well understood, YET. It does work esp, for fears,anxiety,TRAUMAS even addiction. I think the problem some have understanding it, is because it looks kind of silly. Who would dream that by tapping on spots on you face, collarbone etc, you can get rid of old pains that some have had for years! But it is profoundly affective and I would encourage everybody to learn.Done correctly they have a success rate of about 90-95%. Unheard of in most theraputic settings. It only takes about 5-10 min to do. I make no money suggesting this,it is Free to learn.(I too am tired of the scams!) Anyways if you understand how acupuncture works with Needles, all this involves is tapping on the same points with your finger. There are 100's of Videos on you Tube showing how as well. The best thing is to go to the free site, watch the 5 min video and your there. Oh yeah, its called EFT or Emotional Freedom Techniques. It can also be used for pain, the inventor suggests "Try it on everything". It absolutely helped me get my life back. Try it,No cost to learn w/free download manual,so you have nothing to lose. I wish you luck!

Read this book called - Healing Back Pain by Dr. Sarno. I can even refer you to a doctor in this area who was trained by Dr. Sarno. The title of the book is deceiving, but I think it can really help you with healing your diseases! Good luck.

I would get a 3rd party involved (counselor)- he wont listen to you and you will fight for these things for years to come. You may as well use a tape recorder and record your fights/battles to save your breath. Get into counseling now so he can atleast hear it from someone else and get a better understanding. My husband gets it from his best friend! So we dont dont need to go to counciling!
Good luck, I know you have a LOT on your plate.... Men think becouse they bring home the paycheck......

This is really off-topic, but have you investigated any alternate diets for treating the Fibromyalgia? I know many people who have had a lot of success on a gluten & casein-free diet.