I have been dating my boyfriend since March and he has a 23 mo daughter from his previous marriage. His exwife insists on being in control of all of our visits with their daughter. Asking for calls as soon as he picks her up and wanting updates even though they are only 2 hour visits most days. She has even gone so far as to make up a list of stuff that their daughter is supposed to be allergic to just so that we only feed her what she wants us to. The list is totally false because these are foods that she has been eating for a while but have stained clothes so she is banning them.
I'm looking for suggestions on how to deal with her and her stupid demands with out resulting into a yelling match. We just want to be able to enjoy our time with our kids with out the constant interuption of a controlling exwife.
Thanks for all the advise even if it was only to tell me im in the wrong. I too have to hand my son over to my ex and his new girlfriend so it's not like I have no clue what it's like. I don't put demands on my ex or call every 15 minutes to see what they are doing with my son. I am insecure about what is going on when I'm not around but I deal with it in other ways.
I have had open lines of communication with he ex wife a few different times and things went well at the time. I have reassured her that I am not looking to replace her or even be a mother to their daughter but that I am in the picture because we share a home. I guess it's not going to change and I will just have to deal with that.
M. - RUN. Don't stay in a relationship where he's not standing up for himself with his exwife. Think about what it would be like if you were married to him. Do you think his exwife is going to change? Do you think he will change?
RUN,
'
M.,
With all due respect your role in this situation should be peripheral at the most. The best thing you can due for your relationship with your boyfriend is to respect the mother of his child and respect her expectations in terms of childcare.
Since it appears she has primary custody and likely spends a tremendous amount more time than your boyfriend with their daughter, I would think she would know best when it comes to her care. I can only assume their relationship ended when the daughter was very young and the mother is unsure, unclear or not completely trusting in the care her daughter gets while with her father.
Frankly she might also just be really angry with him and is exerting control the only way she knows how. I am not justifying using a child as a weapon by any means, but just trying to see how she might be feeling. Maybe she's also feeling her ex being in a serious relationship where he's sharing time with his daughter with a new girlfriend is also inappropriate.
It's hard to say exactly what's going on or even if you're getting a really honest view of the situation. You've only been dating him for six months and his ex-wife will in his life for many, many years. Be supportive and kind if you can to all parties involved and try to put yourself in her shoes. Think how you might feel about your expectations not being met in the raising of your own son.
The fact that you say "I'm looking for suggestions on how to deal with her and her stupid demands" tells me you are not really ready to have a mature relationship with the mother of your boyfriend's daughter. That is her child and it is his child -- Not yours and certainly not "ours". Tread very carefully. Mothers are like lionnesses with cubs.
When you think of her as "a controlling ex-wife" of course you are going to be resentful. On the other hand, if you, a mom, think of her as another mom, maybe you can imagine what it's like to hand your child over to someone else whether you want to or not. Someone has to be the mature one here, so you could have it be you. Be friendly and polite with her, and do as she asks regarding food, whether it makes any sense to you or not. It is building a foundation for trust--because you have lots of years of this ahead of you. I do think it would be OK to say no to the phone calls, and ask your boyfriend to tell her that once he picks his daughter up, there is no reason to phone until he takes her back. It sounds like the girl's mom is insecure and very protective. You can gently help her move through it by being someone she can trust.
Have your own clothes (and other things) for his daughter and keep hers clean in a little pile and put them back on her clean when she goes home. A phone call that you've reached is fine, but i wouldn't call or answer again until time to return. Do not argue or yell, just be matter of fact.
Hi M.:
The ex is showing controling and abusive behavior. She is controling her ex(your boyfriend) by making up all these ridiculous rules. Why only 2 hour visitations? He should have overnights and weekends. What does his attorney say? Is there a guardian ad lidiem(sp) for the child? This is an attorney appointed by the court to protect the interests of the child and works to be sure the child is placed in the correct home.
It sounds to me like this ex-wife has some serious issues. Was she abused as a child, mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually? Has this been brought to the attention of the court? Document--document--document all of her unreasonable behavior, phone calls, 'allergy' lists(get a photocopy so it is in her handwriting) ect. Does she have an undiagnosed mental illness? How supportive are the grandparents, both sides? Contact a domestic violence hotline or shelter. Domestic violence against men is one of the most under reported crimes in America. They may also be able to suggest a few things to you.
To pacify her I would get some of those really big plastic bibs that cover from shoulders to legs and extend over the arms a bit. I think Babiesrus carries them. I would also put her in clothes he or you buy for the child while she is visiting and change her again before she goes home. That way the clothes from her Mom stay clean.
I am enclosing two links for you both from domestic violence web sites, look for her behavior and warning signs.
http://www.turningpointservices.org/Domestic%20Violence%2...
http://cl-rikimiki-ivil.tripod.com/id14.html
Good luck, if I can offer any more help let me know.
I agree with the others that you should step back a bit. Let the father have some time with his child alone. If he only sees her for a couple of hours, let that be daddy/daughter time. In time the mother will get to know you and the tension will ease. Your boyfriend should respect his ex's wishes and the strain will lesson when she feels her daughter is being cared for the way she cares for her. She is the girl's mom, and knows what is best for her.
I think you just need to remove yourself from the situation more. You are his girlfriend of six months, not his new wife. He needs to handle his ex, not you. The more you get involved, the more upset she will be, and thus, the more difficult she will be.
For a while, let him do the visits with his daughter on his own.
i personally think its rude when you ask for advice and your told its none of your business or to back off... you are a part of the childs life at this moment. its not like you are asking for you only.. its for your boyfriend also...
as far as the foods... you and your boyfriend need to know if its true or not.. its just because of the clothes getting stained that's one thing and the child shouldn't not be able to eat them because of stains.. if its truely allergic to them then yes you both need to know and i would get the allergy test results from the dr.
for the clothes part i would change her clothes as soon as she comes in the door to make sure nothing happens to them, it may be a pain in the butt doing so but atleast it wont start an arguement and then send her back in the clothes she came in.
as for the phone calls.. it doesn't say how far you have to travel between homes.. but i would give her a call to tell her you made it, if there is a drive involved otherwise tell her you will talk to her when she is brought back/ picked up. if she calls just don't pick up let the answering machine pick it up and she can leave a message in case there is something important that she needs to let you know and you will hear it right away.
to me it sounds like she needs to let go a bit and learn to trust that everything is going to be ok.. the only way that is going to happen is over time. its not easy as you know but it has to be done.
she wont agree on everything that happens while with her dad but that is also part of the choice you make when you leave the parent of your child. there will always be something you don't agree with but you learn to let some stuff go and when to pick your battles. Hopefully over time she will lighten up and it will get easier.
i wouldn't run the other direction or get out of it just because of her... that maybe is what she is trying to do. just try to keep her happy while still doing your things with the child, there has to be compromises on both ends to make it work.
i don't think i really gave any advice here... but i understand what your dealing with, i have been dealing with my ex husbands wife trying to tell me what to do with my kids before and after they would come to his house (we have 50/50 each two days a week and e/o wkend), what i have to do with my kids when they are with me.. it doesnt fly!
want to talk or vent get ahold of me! keep your chin up and keep smiling and hopefully it will blow over and calm down.
