Help Dealing with My MIL During This Pregnancy...

When you say, "And mommy" about the waving in the ultrasound, WHAT kind of monster says "No, my grandbaby wouldn't do that." WHAT kind of crazy woman says "Oh, we can't do that" about a mommy loves me onesie.

Your MIL sounds like a wicked, evil woman. I am sorry, but if you get along with her (as you say) then you have way more reserve than I do, and I consider myself fairly laid back.

I absolutely think these are hurtful comments and I caution you against having this poisonous woman around your child. What's she going to say about you to your child?

I am so sorry about this...but you should not try to ignore it. Does your husband realize the things she is saying? It's toxic!

She is deliberately being a pill, and it needs to stop. If your husband won't give her a reality check, then you will have to.
The next time she refers to her son's baby, remind her whose body it's currently residing in, and that half its DNA came from you.
The next time she says somethinga bout formula, tell her that the baby will get breast milk exclusively unless something happens that makes you unable to nurse.

You need to re-steer this ship because it will only get worse after baby arrives. She sounds very self-centered and the bottom line is that she has no right or authority to make any decisions about your baby. None. I think she might be feeling left our or removed from this situation, so she is trying to cover her insecurities with all these crazy statements that focus the attention on her and what she wants. Your new baby will complete your family unit and this puts her slightly on the outside of the situation. You are obviously the center of attention right now because you are carrying the baby. I wouldn't "fight" with her on "mommy's baby" vs. "grandma's baby" because we all know whose baby it is. That is a no-brainer. I don't think you are being emotional at all. She's just making some really off the wall comments. It's not her baby, so let her dream, but be prepared to set the boundaries with the baby.

Wow.

Your hubby needs to step it up NOW because this will only get worse when Baby comes along. Her nastiness isn't sarcastic, it's just mean. She wants to play Mommy to this Baby, and would rather you weren't in the picture. I think in her head, she's the Mom, her son is proud Dad, and you - hmm, well, you don't fit in that situation, do you?

I'm surprised you've put up with this so far, but it's time to draw some boundaries! If you don't, she'll be taking over that Baby, and it sounds like the baby's father will just let her do it.

Your MIL doesn't get to make decisions about Baby. If she goes against what you and Hubby have decided, she doesn't get to see Baby unsupervised anymore. She doesn't get to feed the baby. That's your job, at least for the first couple of months, and you don't need to introduce a bottle (breast milk or formula) until you're ready to do so.

Your MIL doesn't get to diss you in front of you or in front of the Baby. Ever. If she does that, you'll have to limit your (and the Baby's) time with her, because you don't need a toxic presence around your children.

And your Hubby needs to get on your page and stand up to his mother now, or your marriage is going to be in serious trouble when you're actually tussling with his mother over Baby, and not just anticipating it. If he refused to see things your way, counseling may be needed.

Good luck.

Some women go off the deep end during certain times in their childrens' lives. For my mother and my MIL, it was during our wedding engagement. My mom behaved like she had multiple personalities and my MIL was evil incarnate. I got really good at learning to ignore the bad, smile and nod, and only acknowledge the positive things they said and did. I also became really good at getting up and walking out when either of them crossed a line.

When I got pregnant the first time, they were both angels and were amazing, except for naming opinions.

Then after my first was born, my MIL lost her nut again. She wasn't evil but suddenly boundaries didn't exist and she would show up on our doorstep with pots of food unannounced and then complained that I wasn't presentable for company. She dressed in her Sunday best and pearls and make-up FOR THE BABY. I would hand the baby to her for the visit, go upstairs and sleep, come down when I woke up and took the baby back. She had her great visit and went home. Then I would cry and when my husband got sick of that he told her off. :-) She didn't listen until he answered the door in a towel and told her to call before coming and to ask for permission first.

Then she was our babysitter for a while so I could go back to work. Oh, the battles. I had to pick and choose. Smile and nod. And not take any of it personally because I knew she does the same thing to her own daughters. And I realized that since she treats me the same way she treats her own daughters... she loves me like her own.

Just remember: simply because your MIL says something you dislike that doesn't make it true. You can get a lot of mileage out of, "Sure, uh huh MIL. We'll see." "I'm not so sure about that. Thanks for your input."

The best reply is: "Oh really? Hmm."

Do. Not. Engage. Simply don't argue. If you argue, they think they have a chance to win.

The sleeper I can understand her wanting to get one that says daddy because it's her son. But all the other stuff makes her sound like a nut job that will try to control everything once the baby comes. I could be wrong. You need to tell your husband it does not matter if it's the hormones that are causing your reaction he needs to tell him mom to chill out.and be suportive of you as you are the one carrying her grandbaby!!! If someone said that to me about the ultrasound I would have said "UM NO you were not there just me so I am the only one it was saying hi to!!!" Try not to let it stress you too much as you don't need added stress while pregnant. Try to take it easy!

Good luck and God Bless!

Wow, this goes way beyond sarcasm, she is being outright mean. What a saint you are to put up with her. So she is feeling insecure and reacting to that, doing a horrible job of expressing her fear that she won't be involved in the baby's life, or that the baby will be more important to her son than she is. This explains her behavior, but in NO way excuses it.

And I am telling you that it will get worse once the baby is here. I have lived this with my MIL. She didn't do the nasty comments that yours is, but she acted the same way. Baby apparently looked nothing like me, couldn't believe we shared any DNA, blah blah blah. Everything was about baby's connection to their side of the family. And she would pull my hubby aside to try to make him think I didn't know what I was doing. For example, she secretly pulled him aside and said "you see how the baby's lips are chapped, that's a sign of severe dehydration, K. is not feeding her right". This of course freaked hubby out, as he came to me with the concern, and I said "actually, baby's lips are chapped because MIL is running fans and the AC at 60 all day". Things like this kept happening, and we had a similar incident to the BF comment. MIL kept wanting to give my daughter water in her bottle. Well, the doctor had said NO water, breastmilk or formula only so she could gain wegiht. We were very specific to MIL about this. She was going to babysit one night and we were getting ready to leave when I spotted the bottle- with water. I calmly told hubby (in front of MIL) "wow, I'm so bummed, but your mom got confused about our instructions on feeding. We can't go out now, I'm afraid she might be confused about something else". And we didn't leave the baby with her. She was pissed, but things started to change after that. She learned that mama is in control of baby. Period.

I'm telling you my story because I believe you can relate. And I'm telling you it gets worse if you don't stop it. If you want to go the nice route, start to talk to her about things you hope she looks forward to. "We need to get you one of those grandma's brag books to fill with pictures you and the baby!". "what do you hope the baby learns from you? will you teach him/her to cook/sew/knit/whatever?" Asking questions that settle her down about her doubts that she will be involved may bring her down a notch or two. Try that first, since you are not sounding like someone who likes conflict. But if that doesn't work, you need to clarify your boundaries (you and hubby together- as a team) and spell them out for her. Breaking boundaries equals less access to baby. She doesn't run this show- you do. FYI, my daughter is now 12 and things are ok with MIL. She eventually figured out that I didn't intend to keep my daughter from her, and that she just needed to be grandma, didn't need to take over, and that in fact taking over backfired. She got it, just took a while! Good luck!

No your feeling are not unjustified. She is excited about being a grandma however she's also being a jerk when she makes stupid comments. She may or may not know how she's coming across but don't for a minute think that you are over reacting to what she's saying.

You need to get your hubby on the same page as you right now because once the baby is born your mil will get worse. You mentioned that when you go back to work you plan to pump and your mil will be able to feed pumped milk to the baby then. Do you plan on having her babysit? If you do I'd seriously rethink that part because if you are placing your child in her care on an ongoing basis she's going to continue to be a jerk and you'll be in a position of having to a) compromise your wants and needs for your child or b) argue constantly when she does things you have stated you don't want for your child.

I think you need to talk to your DH and you need to lay it out to him that his mother is not just insensitive but dismissive and rude. If my MIL had said that she would formula feed my baby, she would simply not be babysitting. If she refused to acknowledge me as the mother of my child and focused only on her son's role, then DH and I would be having some serious talks about her role in our child's life. Her grandbaby is YOUR baby. YOU and DH trump her.

If she continues, I would tell her that since she cannot respect that YOU are the mother of this child, you will no longer discuss the pregnancy with her. If she gets offended, well, she's been offensive!

One or two comments, whatever. But it seems you have an ongoing list. Don't be afraid to stand up to her for yourself and your family. DH should be protecting you, too. Maybe you need him to talk to a trusted friend who sees your POV or your OB. My DH asked my OB to tell me not to worry and she said, "No. Pregnant women worry and she can call me with any question." He never said anything stupid like that again.

My mom had the same complex. You need to simply stand your ground and say things like, "hubby and I decided to not give the baby formula, if ou cannot respect our wishes, we would hate to have to supervise your visits with your grandbaby.

As I see it, your hubby is partly right: you are being hormonal. But, there is also an issue of boundaries here, and you and hubby need to discuss how you will handle it.

My mother didn't see my son after his birth. I refused to talk to her for a week, because she being selfish and immature, and I was in no place hormonally to deal with it. I'd discuss a plan with your hubby, and I recommend limiting your MIL visits after baby's birth. She will just annoy you even more.

She is being mean. She seems to be very happy about the baby coming but she needs to include you in her statements. You need to tell her when she says things like that it hurts your feelings. Be upfront and do not let her blow you off with " Oh your being to sensitive". I would come back and say yes I am sensitive when your not being nice to me. Your a lot nicer than I would be. She is lucky to have you as a daughter in-law.

Although I was happy and excited about the birth of each of my grandchildren (8), I did not interfere with how they would be raised other than to know that I would teach them to respect me, no matter what the parents did. LOL!

I think her comments are hurtful. I don't see how she can't see that. If I were you, the next time she made one of these comments, I would simply tell her those types of comments hurt your feelings. Tell her it's probably because you're emotional due to the pregnancy, but they are hurtful nonetheless and please try not to say things like that any more.

Then I would try NOT to discuss the baby/pregnancy with her anymore. If she brings it up, let her say whatever she wants and move on.

Congrats on the pregnancy!

You are sensitive, AAAAANNNNNNDDDD she is being...just WRONG. Your husband should not minimize your feelings, even if he thinks that she's right. He should make sure that you are comfortable and secure, even if you are being the looniest of loons right now.

Can you spend less time with her? Next time she buys something, tell her, "Thanks, but I don't like that one. I'd prefer this one." Is she giving you ANY choice in your baby's clothes/furniture/toys? Tell her, "He can get a bunch of Grammy stuff later. Right now, I just want to slather him in Mommy gear." When she mentions the formula to you, just tell her that you're looking forward to breastfeeding and will decide how and when to supplement when the time comes.

My mother's husband really loves my son and is always promising stuff, talking about what he'll do for/with him. I kinda let it go because I know that it's all ultimately up to me and my husband, and the stuff eh wants to do is in the future. Periodically, though, I bring it up casually with him and my mother and maybe my husband and say something like, "Hey, were you serious about XYZ? Because it's important to me that he not do/have that right now." That opens up the dialogue, and I get to express my vision for my child, even if that changes along the way. Their responses tell me what I need to know about what kind of time he gets to spend with him. For example, I would never even ask him to keep my son if my mother won't be there, because I don't trust him to respect MY decisions as the mother. Oftentimes he'll let me know that the stuff that they'll do will take place at his house, or that the toy that he'll get him (that I don't necessarily want him to play with) will stay at their house for him. I don't necessarily have to make any announcements to the effect, but I am now well-informed of his attitude--even if his actual plans change--and will be deciding as we go how much influence he will have in my son's life. I have periodic conversations with my husband just to make sure that we are on the same page. Talk to your husband to establish what you two envision for your child's life. You two are the ones who matter. Your MIL can say whatever the hell she wants. When the time comes, put your foot down. This is YOUR first baby, too, and you have first dibs on ALL the decision-making.

You're gonna have to get firmer with her and everybody else. As a parental unit, you and your husband are THE advocates, and you have to make the tough decisions and stand your ground.

Mothers-in-law tend to get an unfair bad rap, but in this case, I think yours is going a little overboard.

Some of these things, you just need to let slide right off. Take breast feeding, for instance. You have stated your intentions. You can be done with that. No formula and no bottles in your house, then Grammy won't be feeding the baby, will she.

My sister, who I love very, very much tends to get pushy when she's excited about something. It's a miracle I got pregnant after being told I could have no more kids. When I found out my baby was a boy, my husband and I immediately agreed on a name. She informed me she would be calling him something else.

I said, "Excuse me? Why would you do that? How about just calling him by his name?"
It peeved me, for sure. But, in the end, she called my son by his given name and it turned out to be a non-issue once the baby arrived.

You have every right to tell your MIL that you feel like she thinks you are nothing more than a baby incubator.

If she's sarcastic, as am I, I would probably fight fire with fire.

"My baby... my body. Maybe I'll just decide to hold the baby in".

When I was very close to the end of my first pregnancy, my own mother drove me nuts. She didn't overstep boundaries or try to tell me how to mother my child. However, I had a high risk pregnancy and she came every day to check on me. I remember crying every time I heard her pull up. I was kind of mean. My daughter's father worked many hours away and if it weren't for my mom dragging me to the hospital 45 minutes away when my contractions were a minute apart, I could have given birth at home all alone which I didn't want. But, I didn't want to go to the hospital either.

She was there with me through all of it and dad barely made it in time for the birth. Looking back, I'm thankful for her.

When you are pregnant, I think it's perfectly okay to say things like, "I know you are excited and I know you are thinking of this through the eyes of a mother of a son and you are so thrilled. However, it hurts me when you say or do things that make me feel like I basically have nothing to do with it other than giving birth to your grandchild. This is MY baby too. This is MY baby, first and foremost as I am the one carrying it. Please understand that the love you have for your son is the same love I will have for my own baby and I need you to respect that. Please. I love and respect you. I understand that all kinds of feelings are flooding in because you loved your own baby so much. Please allow me to have that for myself as a new mother. Please allow me to make my own choices and figure my own baby out for myself.
You'll be a wonderful Grammy if you give me a chance to be a wonderful Mommy on my own. I may ask your advice, I may even need you, but please, let me figure it out for myself. You're a mother and I respect that.
Now, I need you to respect that for ME, because I have a baby coming. MY baby".

Some of the things she's said and done seem totally unfair.
You have a great relationship otherwise, so you can stear things back into perspective. It's not about confrontation and your husband should be backing you up.

The first bond babies have is with their mothers. Your MIL can't change that.

Have your birthing plan, your breastfeeding plan, your sleeping plan, your figuring out your baby plan in place and just do what you need to do.
Your MIL will figure out that she is not the center of the universe when it comes to your family and new baby.

I wish you the very best. Let us know when the baby arrives.

:)

You are not over reacting, your husband's mother is not behaving in a rational way. If it is possible, I hope you and your husband can relocate as far away from this woman as possible. Because no matter what your husband will say to his mother, she will put the blame on you. Some boundaries need to be set and in my opinion, some distance needs to be made so your husband's mother can only visit a couple of time a year. She sounds like a KOOK.

One day soon when she isn't making comments (so you may have to do it as soon as you get together with her), tell you need to talk. Tell her that you are feeling alittle hurt by some comments she has recently made. Explain that while you don't think she meant them the way they came across, they did come off as being rude and a bit "over stepping". Tell her that you love her and want to be sure to nurture her relationship with her new grandbaby, you need her to realize that this baby is your son or daugther and you and hubby have final say and you need to be sure she understands that now to avoid hurt feelings later. Remind her that your child is going to be BF exclusively unless there is justifiable reason that you are not able to. This means that even if she wants to feed the baby, it will be breast milk but not formula and if you don't want to express until you return to work than you need to make that 100% clear. Then tell her that a few of her comments like "baby wouldn't do that" and "we can't do that" hurt your feelings by making it seem that you are inconsequential and admit that this could be due to hormones but ask if she would be a little more aware.

I would try to tell her how you feel the next time she makes a comment... and if you have to say "If it wasn't for mommy - baby wouldn't be coming. So mommy loves baby & is important too!"

Also, if she wants to continue - make sure you have outfits for every size that says "I love mommy", "Mommy loves me" or something like that and always put one on the baby when you go visit her.

As for breastfeeding - I would have loved to feed them only that way, but I did have to give a little formula to all 6 of my kids. Although it was me feeding them either way... with my last (now 1) the meds I had to take could have really hurt her because it did get into the milk supply :( So she was only nursed for about 2 weeks - which still bothers me! But DON'T let her stop you from taking care of your baby the way you feel best... BFing was an issue with my MIL, but not to anyone else and I just let her comments go, although to make her feel better I did nurse in the spare bedroom when at their house or in our bedroom when she was over. My dad really couldn't handle it, so I did give formula when he came to visit - but he also drove over 2 hours to visit & I wanted to show him some respect and not make him feel unloved or disrespected.

You aren't going to beable to stop talking about the baby... so please try to find a way of confronting your feelings. BTW congratz on your 1st!

It seems like you are feeling like you are in a competiton with her. Know this: you are NOT in competition with her. You are the mother of this baby, period. Baby's always love their Mommy's best. If MIL is lucky, she will get to be part of your child's life. But you will always come before her to this child. Period. So she might want to try to compete, but you don't have to worry about that. You already won. When she says stuff like "Baby's not waving to you, she's waving to Grammy" you can just roll your eyes and shake your head. Not even worth another thought.

I'm not sure how much you need to "put your foot down" now. She may be all talk, no action. My Mom said stuff to me like: "I don't know why you're going to bother to bf. I didn't. It seems like a hassle." And I said: "Oh, good think you didn't do it, then." When your MIL said "When Grammy is here she'll get formula" I would have said "Oh, you must be talking about your OTHER grandchild. This one will be BFd."

Some people feel that if you are doing something different (breast feeding) that it is some kind of indictment on their choices. Like you are somehow condemning what she did. Its crazy, I know. I felt like I had that dynamic A LOT with my Mom. Its not that you need to change what you want/plan/think/say... just maybe keep it in mind. My mom will constantly say "That's not what I would do" and I just say "Good thing I'm not you" or "Oh, good, you don't have to do it anyway."

Mostly I would ignore her. Once the baby is born, you'll see if she is going to really act afool or just keep yapping. If she does act crazy and try to undermind you, see responses below.

One piece of unsolicited advice: BFing can be very challenging. Or it can be totally natural and easy. Just be prepared to cut yourself some slack if you fall into the challenged camp. Don't drive yourself crazy... which can easily happen... trust me. I wish you a plentiful milk supply and easy latching baby. If you don't get that, remember that its not the end of the world. I wish you all the best.

The great thing about babies is that they aren't mentally able to play into an adult's fantasy world. So, just let it play out - and enjoy the look on your mil's face when the baby spits out her formula and cries!

Tell her that when you are breastfeeding, and she is there, she can burp the baby but you do not plan to use formula.

I have to admit that as a grandma we do tend to get a little nutty about expentant grandchildren, especially the first one. We get very excited and can't wait to hold that sweet little one.

Consider SH's post.

I am seeing things that give me red flags. Sometimes when people have a mental illness it gets worse as they age and they can't hide it as well. I know she has done a lot for you and you feel greatful for it but that does not make her your child's mother. Sometimes people with BPD use F.O.G., that's fear, obligation and guilt, in order to get what they want from you. They tend to do this sort of "take over" when a baby is involved. They call it their baby. They dress it like them and really want it to be their "mini me".

I am telling you this so you can set boundaries now. Forewarned is forearmed. Look at the symptoms on BPDfamily.com. See if it fits her. If it does or doesn't you still need to look at the lessons and workshops on boundaries. It can help give you words to say to difficult people and empower you to express yourself. I know you don't want to offend but with these people there is no waffling. Quit involving her too much in your personal life and decisions. Be firm. Good luck and let us know how it's going.

Honestly I think your husband is right, you are overly emotional. She has done nothing wrong really, she has more of a connection to her son then to you because she is his mother, not yours, so it is natural for her to focus on that. She was out of line to suggest she would give the child formula, but other then that she is doing what a normal grandparent would, just as your mother would focus on the "i love mommy" stuff because as your mother she is naturally closer to you then to your husband. It is sooooo normal to feel overly sensitive and even left out, but you do need to get a handle on it because it only gets worse after the baby comes, people completely forget about the parents, as they should, since that baby should be everyones focus.