I intervened in a conflict btwn my 9 yr old daughter and a friend and it escalated. The girls made up, but friend's mom now hates me. My daughter has told me before of things friend has said/ done that seemed manipulative, dishonest, and unkind. My daughter is always saying she is afraid of this friend getting angry, afraid she will spread rumors etc. (nothing physical). My daughter got up out of bed to tell me about this particular incident - it was bothering her so much that she couldn't sleep. She says that her friend, R, got angry at her and took one of her Shopkin toys and wouldn't return it. Now mind you my kid isn't entirely innocent - she admitted that she WAS playing with a stuffed toy of R's that R asked her not to play with, But when my daughter asked for her Shopkin back, R refused. Next day she asked for it back again and R said she never took it. I didn't see any of this, just going by what my kid said. R denied it all to her mom, who believes her. I think she's lying. R's mom thinks my kid is lying. We are both passionate strong willed women, who fiercely love our girls. In my heart, I believe my daughter, of course I do. Especially in light of past experiences with this girl. But all kids lie - mine is no exception, Who knows what really happened and who was truthful and who wasn't. I got so carried away defending my daughter - when I wasn't even there to see what happened - that now I've made an enemy. I don't know what to to do. Please help.
Thanks everyone for the input. This issue was not truly over a toy - that just happened to be the last straw for me. I was fed up with this kid. Like I said, this was not the first time she has wronged my daughter. Looking at it now, it does seem ridiculous that the whole thing got so blown up. I have made arrangements for playdates with other kids for my daughter. And we are looking into other after school activities like karate or sports or something But I wonder if I should try and make peace with the mom - she is a neighbor who lives on my street. Also my daughter's assigned seat on the bus is next to her daughter.
Lesson learned..... Let the Childten work out their issues and don't step in unless there is a potential safety issue.
This is all over a stuffed toy? Wow.
Both moms need to grow up, apologize for overstepping boundaries and just take a breath.
This is way overblown if the true root issue is over a toy.
Sounds like it's time for the girls to take a break from each other.
If your daughter has been afraid of her friends anger for this long - your daughter needs a new friend - in fact, several new friends is a good idea.
Sign her up for taekwondo so she'll meet new people, have less time for this 'friendship' and to develop some self confidence.
Next time don't get so involved on a personal level.
If you can see drama is brewing - the thing to do is to get your kid busy with something else where she doesn't have as much time for the drama filled friend(s).
I think you've done great so far. You were letting your daughter handle things herself until it became apparent that this was not going to be resolved and it was over there heads. It's great to say that kids need to work things out themselves, but until they have the skills to do that, they still need us! Not to fight battles for them, but to teach them resolution skills. And you recognizing that there are always two sides is so helpful, it's awesome that you realize even though you have a good kid, she will make mistakes.
I would probably let the mom know that you wish things hadn't escalated. If it were me, I wouldn't exactly apologize- I don't think you did anything wrong- any more than she did. I would just say "I'm sorry things went so far, I wish it hadn't escalated and I'll do my part to avoid that in the future." This doesn't lay the blame only at your feet.
I got some great advice for dealing with tween girl issues from a book called Between Baby Dolls and Boyfriends. It's so hard to know how to figure these years out (because what you are dealing with is just the beginning!), and this book was written by a psychologist who has a tween of her own.
But really, I think you have a healthy perspective on this, and are doing just fine!
I think at this point, you can apologize for overstepping into the kids' friendship squabble. You can tell your neighbor that in hindsight, it would have been better for you to listen to your daughter express her feelings, but then to let your daughter take any action steps (or not) to work it out with her daughter. I'd probably swallow my pride and say something to that effect, because of course, you don't want to burn bridges. Believe it or not, even though "R" might be demonstrating a lot of bratty behavior right now, at 16, she may have matured into a lovely person you'd want your daughter to have for a friend.
I would not even mention the toy to anyone in the other family. The lesson your daughter takes away is that it was very difficult to play with toys around "R" It sounds like mistakes were made by both girls. You don't want to fix this for her (by defending her truth or getting her little toy back), you want her to learn from it. So next time maybe the kids will ride scooters or go to a movie or go swimming together, something that doesn't involve being around each other's special possessions. Because they learned that didn't work out so well.
Let your daughter know she has options and let her know that being in fear of someone is not a healthy friendship. And, real friends respect each other's things. Ask her how she feels about playing with other kids compared to "R." Your daughter's friendship with "R" will endure or fizzle on it's own. It shouldn't be your mission to end it or to control it. Not judging here, I've got older kids, and I know I made this mistake, getting way too emotionally invested in their friendship dramas, it's just so easy to fall into, especially when it's your own kid who is hurting.
You also mentioned that you've made other playdates for your daughter. It's great you are encouraging her to widen her circle of friends and support her, but consider letting her do it herself. Let her manage her own social life and calendar. At 9 years old she is far enough to ask if she can have a friend over after school on Friday, and if you say yes, she can do the calling and inviting herself. Empower her rather than schedule her. Good luck!
Passionate strong willed women? Getting bent out of shape over children fighting over a toy? Let it go. This person is not your friend, move on. If your daughter continues to have problems with this girl at school have a meeting with the teacher and let her deal with it.
This is all over a Shopkins toy?
I get that it's a bigger issue for you. You don't like the kid - obviously from how you describe her. If you feel she's a liar, dishonest and manipulative, and she's unkind to your daughter - I would just let the friendship (if that's what it is) go. That's what I personally would do. Back away - if kids sort it out themselves, then it's meant to be. If they can't - without parents intervening - I don't think it's a good fit.
Maybe coach your daughter instead on finding friends that are kind to her, and what being a friend means - kind back.
Think - is this a fight between this mom and I? or a squabble over a toy between kids?
good luck :)
I agree that they need to take a break from playing together so that would be my first step. I'd also have her keep her toys at home and not bring something to share so no toys would be taken and not returned.
As far as the mother? You won't have contact with her if your children aren't playing together. It seems like you parenting styles don't really fit together well so maybe you need to stop having contact with her.
If the other girl spreads gossip tell you daughter to stand up for herself by saying 'that's simply not the truth. She's being mean because I don't want to be her friend.' If its happening at school then give a call to the school and bring it to their attention.
I think it's a lesson for your DD that she and R cannot share toys and she shouldn't bring any beloved anythings to R's house. My SS had a friend who stole all his Pokemon cards (back when they were in middle school) and then sold them. We got most of them back, but only because another kid asked SS if the thief's price was fair...and then SS realized it was HIS card. Anyway, that mom wasn't happy, either. I would discourage my child from being this child's friend and keep them to playing at school or on neutral ground. Help your child see that a friend doesn't steal and treat you badly and encourage other friendships so this one isn't so prominent. If she is afraid of this friend, then it sounds like possible bullying vs friendship.
ETA: I would tell the bus driver if there are ongoing issues with this kid and your DD and ask that your DD get a different assigned seat. What I would say to the mom after this would depend on how it affected my daily life. I have neighbors I never talk to, or see rarely. If she started harassing myself or my child then I would speak up, but if she just let you go about your business, then I wouldn't worry much about it. Let it ride.
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God Lord W. - get a grip!! You are SUPPOSED to be an adult.
Your daughter is over it. Now YOU need to be over it.
You have two options: perpetuate the hate - which will show your daughter to hold a grudge or move on.
Your daughter can CHOOSE to be friends with this girl or NOT. Her TRUE friends will know the truth about any supposed rumors. Your daughter cannot live in fear of rumors. that's no reason to remain friends.
You have not made an enemy. You have met a mama who is fiercely protective of her child, just as you would be. MOVE ON... GET OVER IT.
This isn't over a shopkins toy. It's about every incidence that has happened up until this point.
I'm going to generalize...some of it may be unfair, but I'm going with it anyway....
It seems like this friend is a bully and manipulator. It seems R's mom is a bully and a manipulator. You need to talk to your daughter about how to break off the friendship with R in a realistic way. If they are in the same class at school, you may need to/want to get the teacher involved.
Teach your girl some words and actions to do and say when R says and does mean things. Tell her about what good friendships look like...and what bad friendships look like. Ask her to think about how she wants friends to make her feel and if R makes her feel that way most of the time or not.
These are hard lessons and not ones you can make for your child, but hopefully you can get her to see she has options. If she continues to stay friends with this girl these things are going to keep happening and you can't really get involved. She will need to be able to navigate this on her own and make her own decisions.
Do what you should have done in the beginning and let the kids figure it out.
Why does the friend's mom hate you? Did you confront her about this? If so apologize. You say your defended your daughter. That was totally the wrong step to take. It means you were getting caught up in the immaturity of 9 year olds. Next, I would stop letting these two play together. For a while anyway. Tell your daughter to invite over another friend when she wants to play with someone. Or if that friend invites her over just be busy that day. It's time for them to take a break for a bit. In the future don't be so quick to judge another person's child. Just remind your child the right thing to do. Such as, oh, you took her stuffed toy she asked you not to play with? Well that was not nice. Oh, she took your toy...well ask her to give it back and then if she does not ignore her and play with something else. It's not that big of a deal. They were both being immature. It's nothing for you as a mom to get angry or upset about. And I don't think you need to worry about what the other girl tells her mom. Just try to teach your own child the right way to handle issues when they arise and to teach her to try to be more mature about things. If she and a friend are always in conflict then it's time to hang out with other friends instead. She can see that friend at school.
Sorry, your girl was so bothered by an incident with her friend that she couldn't sleep and came to you in the night to talk about it? She says she's afraid of what this friend will do to her but it's only rumors and other stuff, not physical?
And you allow her to be around this friend without both parents being present? The only way this friend would be allowed in my house is if she and her mother came over and the girls did some activity in the dining room where I could be in the kitchen or living area that shares listening space with where they are, never ever ever in a room where I/we can't see or hear what is going on the entire time.
There is no way this child would come to my home and not be in my line of sight the entire time. Some kids require that kind of watching.
In truth though, I'd help my kiddo to find new friends and I'd still never let them go to a room where they can't be seen and heard. I just don't think it's a good idea to let kids go shut the door on their room with other kids in there.
This whole argument seems a little ridiculous, but I guess that's just my opinion. How close is your daughter to this friend? If they are best friends, then I would say apologize to the mother. You don't have to admit to either one of your children being wrong, because until one of them admits their is no way to tell who is lying. Just talk to her mother and tell her the argument was pointless and you were both acting like children. Its not fair to your kids that they can't be friends just because you two aren't friends at the moment. Ask her if her and her daughter would like to come over or go to the park or whatever. If the mother still hates you, just forget about her and move on.
So, you admit you made a mistake in blowing this out of proportion. It seems to me that when you make a mistake, then apologizing is the right thing to do.
