Help for a 4 Yr Old "Girly" Boy

First of all, this is VERY normal behavior at your son's age, so don't worry about it. Girls get to play dress up all the time and basically wear both girl clothes and "boy" clothes, but for boys it's taboo to wear dresses or pretty things. Both my brothers would put my dresses on as little kids, or my cousins would put makeup on them, it was silly fun behavior, that yes the older of us kids got a laugh out of, but that the little kids enjoyed thoroughly.

I do agree that if you have concerns about a male role model, the big brother program would be a good place to look. Also, you could look for some other play group or activity for your son that had more boys enrolled. A lot of little boys are drawn to the same sparkly stuff that girls like. Kids like stuff that sparkles and glitters and is pretty, it's only society that turns it into a boy thing or a girl thing. He will probably grow out of it all on his own.

I wouldnt panick too much.. he is only 4. There are little boys at that age who love those sorts of things and who will turn out to be just fine. Once he starts school and is around more boys and sees "gender roles" he will probably start doing more boy things. But right now he probably just identifies with girls more bc that is what he is exposed to.

Dear E.,

Congratulations, first of all, for being a strong single mom with a lot on your hands! It sounds like you've got a full plate, and you're doing a fantastic job handling it all.

On the question of your son, I am the managing editor of an academic journal of women's and gender studies. I'm not a scholar of gender expression myself, but I've edited and fact-checked more academic studies on the topic than I can count. There is a very strong scientific consensus (and by scientific I mean rigorous use of the scientific method) on the topic:

Gender identity can't be externally imposed.

Let's say, just for example, that there's a little girl who was born to be a sporty, spunky, fun-loving tomboy. This girl's parents can insist that she wear only pink, they can sign her up for beauty pageants, they can sign her up for the debutante ball, but she's going to sneak out, play soccer, go fishing, etc., with the guys. It's who she is. If her parents break her fishing rod and burn her soccer jersey, she may become a sad, bitter, angry person, but she'll never be a girly-girl.

It's the same thing with guys. If your son's sensitivity, intelligence, and wonderful artistic imagination lead him to appreciate how truly beautiful girly things are, then those are wonderful qualities that, yes, may lead to some real challenges in life, but they just can't be rooted out of a person.

My recommendation, honestly, is to keep doing what you're doing, but with one caveat. Sure, buy him train sets, etc.;, if you want to, and sign him up for a sport -- my brother and grew up without a dad in the house, and he developed wonderful role-model relationships with a series of coaches. BUT, if you make those things available and he keeps playing mermaids, *let him know you've got his back!* More important than encouraging to play like a guy-guy, make sure he knows how to stand up for himself! Tell him you love him for who he is (sounds like you're already doing that -- so go you), call the principal to complain if there's any bullying at all, and bring your sweet, precious, sensitive little guy down to the karate dojo. You guys will be fine :)

I hope this helps!

Mira

Dear E., I am not sure how to help you but I do understand your feelings. It is a real concern. The lack of a male role model is an issue too. I do have a cousin that only wanted doll carriages and dolls to play with and he grew up to be a fine man. Grandma Mary

My husband grew up without a father, but his mother did arrange a Big Brother type relationship for him. I think it was through their church, though. He remained close to this man into adulthood and he and his wife even came to our wedding. You are perfectly justified in wanting things to be easier, don't worry about that!

Good luck!

B.

I can sense your fear and that's normal. My advice to you is, don't make a big deal about it. Try to be calm, and monitor his behavior. It my just be that, that's all he ever sees. Hey you never know, he might be a very good OBGYN someday lol. Anyway, We mother have the best instuition, we know more or less how our children are going to grow up being. I knew my son was different the all other little boys he grow up with. I did exactly what you are know trying to do with your son, and no matter what I try, all failed. He also grew up around the same percent of women as your son. Nothing made him happier than being home with me and his sisters. My Boyfriend at the time who was homofobic, tried to straighten him up, but failed . My point that I'm trying to make is, don't encourage him to play with girls toys, but don't make a big fuss about it. He'll want to play with them even more and behind your back. He still has alots of years ahead of him, like I said. It might just be a face. My son is 21, and he is the most good looking, sweetest and loving gay person anyone ever wants to meet. He still my son. Him being gay does not change the motherly love I feel for him. good luck. ____@____.com if you like to ask me any question.

E.,

As I was reading your story I thought you were talking about my son. He is exactly the same way. He is 5 and loves and does everything your son does. At first it was hard on his dad but he came around. I've talked to a lot of people and as many of the moms that answered you there is nothing you can do except to love him and make him feel comfortable. I was blessed to have pre school teachers that embraced his "creative" side and let him be who he really is and that has made him a stong and confident boy. He knows that he can't wear my shoes, jewerly, shirts (to look like dresses), etc out of the house but he has a blast when he is home. Love him, embrace him and try not to let it bother you. I know it's hard because we have this vision of little tough boys but our may be on the senstive side and may end up as a top deisgner one day and think about all the free clothes we will get!! Stay strong and be the loving mom that you are.

Good luck!

P.S. The Little Mermaid was and still is my sons favorite movie of all times.

Hi,
My son just turned 5, and I remember last summer when he was a yong 4, he wanted to play dress-up in female roles all the time. Princess, fairy, etc. He also played as a firefighter, police officer, etc, but really emphasized the female roles, which we went along with (I got him his own princess dress from the consignment shop, since the girls at school wouldn't share with him!). Now, at age 5, he is aware of the boy/girl distinction, and while he's more "normal" he's also missing out on the fun of being flexible about boy/girl roles.

I think it helped that we not just played along, but supported his imaginative play. My mom made him a mermaid skirt, I let him make his own fairy costume (a yard of fabric, cut a hole in the center for the head, then a ribbon around the waist -- instant fairy!), and we all had a good time. We never had a problem with other kids making fun, and he grew out of it slowly but in time to fit in with other kids his age.

hi E., but it sounds like your son is simply fitting in the only way he knows how. i have a 6 yr old niece and she's always been like a tomboy and only wants boys toys....soldiers, monster trucks, cars..etc. my sis took her to a therapist and she said not to discourage the behaviour and that simply put she might be gay when she gets older. don't mean to be mean, please dont take this the wrong way, but i know some gay people and all of them have told me they knew they were gay by the time they got to kindergarten. all of them had their dads as male role models. it's so true what some of the other posts said, that you'll be able to go clothes shopping and enjoy eachother!

Can you look into Big Brothers Big Sisters in your area? Maybe having a male role model in his life would be something helpful to him.