My close friend that is set to get married in a month is having second thoughts, again. She does this every few months. Her husband of the future got a vasectomy when he was 29. He is now 40, and still sure he doesn't want kids, that it's not for him NOW. He seems to use the "not for him NOW" thing whenever she is having second thoughts, giving her hope that in the future they could adopt. In fact, a few months ago she was set to leave him (they live together), but things "resolved" themselves when after a talk he left her with some hope. She said to me yesterday, "I hate being here, I wish I could wish it away, and make it the way I want."
I don't know how to support my friend. Every bone in my body feels that this isn't going to end well either way. She has a desire for kids, but thinks she can sublimate it by showering her nephew with love. Yet, whenever she spends a lot of time with her nephew, she mourns the choice she is making. She loves her fiance. He is perfect for her in almost every way. The problem is he doesn't want kids.
The problem, really is, he likes his life the way it is, he likes to do what he wants when he wants. He likes being able to sleep all day Sunday if he chooses. He seems to get deep down just how big of a commitment children are, and he doesn't want it. He has always been clear about this, but she has always ignored it. She broke up with him once, in the beginning, when he told her he had a vasectomy, but she couldn't stay away. He didn't make it easy, however, because he is the one that called her and invite her to dinner and dancing on her bday, even though they were broken up. In fact, he has never made this easy on her, just repeatedly saying," this is your choice," yet he isn't big enough to realize that sometimes love lets go.....
My friend keeps saying, "i'm not even sure I really want kids." She is trying to convince herself otherwise so she doesn't lose this great guy. But at the end of the day, she's always wanted kids. We've always joked she'd end up a Southern Bell on a veranda with lots of little ones running around after her. (she's from California, but an old fashion Southern Bell image captures her great).
Thoughts on how to support this friend? I explained to her yesterday that either people feel the longing for kids or they don't, and since he still doesn't feel it after having his own nephew, chances are he never will.
I wish I could fly her out here for the weekend and just give her a hug. I don't know how else to support her her, especially since this whole relationship has spelled doom for me since the beginning. I'd hate to see her marry him to only destroy the marriage in 10 years with built up resentment. Yet, I'd also hate for her to never find a guy like him again. He balances her in so many ways.....And yes, she is one of those girls that has to have a significant other...
I think a guy who had a vasectomy at 29 has his mind made up. Talk her through the (probably real) scenario that they get married and they never have children. Can she honestly live with that? Because this guy is NOT going to change, period. He's being very honest about it. She needs to listen to him.
Thats tough. My neighbor who passed away had this happen and she was in her 90's with dimentia(sp) and always talked about regretting it. She died alone with nieces and nephews that were grown and lost touch because she had no kids for them to play with. There are no guarantees in life but if she wants kids that feeling will only grow stronger. I'd encourage her to dig deep and decide what she wants in her future and realize that she may be missing the guy of her dreams settling for the one that is content with seeing her unhappy.
You write: "He has always been clear about this, but she has always ignored it."
IF she goes through with the marriage, I think the old advice "prepare for the worst and hope for the best" had better sit well with her.
****People do not change after they are married.****
The guy standing there for the vows is the SAME guy who will be in your bed in five years.
IF she has an inkling of changing his mind--she needs to re-think this decision.
There is such a thing as right person/wrong time and sometimes you've gotta live with that. This sounds like O. of those times. If having kids was important enough to her to break up with him when she found out he'd had a vasectomy, I wonder why it isn't that important now?
Sounds similar to my ex-SIL's former situation. They were on-again off-again for years. Finally a big off. Then, they got back together and got married. They discussed kids for a WHILE. She was concerned she might be too selfish to be happy as a mom (but she LOVES AND ADORES ALLLLLLLL the nieces and nephews on both sides of her family)... Finally, he convinced her that it would be "unfair" to HIS daughter (grown and out of the house, btw) for him to have another child. Or something. Anyway, they decided not to have any children.
About 2 or 3 years later, they were having marital issues. They are now divorced. She is 41 pushing 42 and completely single. She is in that "I'm free and loving life" post-divorce phase, and I feel sad for her. She will likely NEVER have children of her own, and she doesn't even have the relationship that she gave them up FOR. :/
She was FANTASTIC for my BIL, and in her own right. But, from my view, she has thrown away her chances of having her own kids. It's pretty sad.
K.N. is right on. Your friend is settling for someone who she knows is not the right fit for her. I could never marry a man who couldn't give me children. I don't care how great he is. If she's having second thoughts about this guy, then he's wrong for her. It doesn't matter how many great qualities he has. Your friend has some awesome qualities too, I bet.
If I were you, I'd offer support and show her the responses you get on Mamapedia.
The only thing you really can do is be there for her. Listen to her and ask questions. Don't tell her what to do, that will only make it worse. I find questioning and listening helps the person say things out loud that maybe they hadn't thought of or were afraid to voice.
I don't see this ending well for your friend. Having children was important to me and I would have ended my relationship if the other person didn't want them. He doesn't want them. He made sure of that. So, now, she has to decide what is important.
It sounds as if you have already told her everything you need to! She is going to HAVE to make up her mind on her own.
I, personally see heartbreak in their future because she DOES want children & he does NOT, if he were to give in to her desire @ some point he would end up regretting the decision & perhaps be so disgruntled with her & maybe the child that his resentment could tear them apart. It is a possibility he may not feel this way but the odds aren't stacked in that corner.
I know sometimes it's hard to be a friend, but just continue to be that & let her talk it out to you, that's really ALL you CAN do.
Ask her what would she do if, years from now, when it's too late for her to have her own kids, he leaves her? How would she feel? I say robbed, and it's not something I would want to live with if it's been my own choice. Investing in a mate is great but she needs to respect her inner desires and her individuality first. Seriously, he could leave her (or she could leave him!) years down the road, what then?? Besides, being so stern on his part on this issue is NOT a good trait, in my view.I hope she makes the right choice, there are many men out there.
Marriage is built on compromise -- but there are certain things no one should have to compromise about and whether or not to have children is one of them.
She needs to leave him. If he's not going to make it easy (& why should he, since obviously this is a nice, easy place for him to be and he gets his way?), she still needs to go. He sounds rather self-centered (not because he doesn't want kids but rather because he seems all about him and not much about the two of them) and, even outside of the children issue, it doesn't sound like he can be a true partner who could, if necessary, put her needs ahead of his own.
He may be a great guy, but he sounds like a wimp & a loser in great guy wrapping.
What if she had a great "once in a lifetime" opportunity that would require moving far away? Let's assume she'd make enough that he wouldn't have to work once they moved and there was nothing in this new location for him. What would he do? Would he celebrate with her and make such a move an easy thing for both of them or would he want to keep things easy for him and stay where he is? Can he really & truly GIVE of himself to her?
He's been clear he doesn't want children. If she really wants them, she is just wasting everyone's time trying to hold onto this relationship.
If I were you, I would try to encourage her to see things as they really are and would warn her that she is not going to change his mind and that she should be grateful that he really knows what he wants and doesn't want.
If she's getting married in a month, she needs to hurry up and figure this out before she (or someone else) loses a ton of money if and when they call off the wedding!
She needs to see that this man is manipulating her. He is close to being an emotional abuser. He knows she loves and wants kids but doesn't care about her wants or needs. He has said I like my life the way it is --- he doesn't want change----seems as though he won't even consider it.
I know it's difficult to accept that the person you think is perfect for you is not perfect for you. It's time to have a long talk about the fact that he simply doesn't care about her feelings. Dating is so hard and we start to settle for almost or close to and stop looking for the real guy that is out there who wants what we want and will truely share our joys and sorrows.
She needs to take a long hard look at her life and him and see he is not the guy for her. Ending it now will be embarassing and somewhat expensive but getting married and then ending it will be much more expensive and will only be supporting a couple of divorce lawyers for several months.
He does NOT want children. She will always regret this. Please ask her not to marry him and to move on.
