Help Getting 16 Yr Old on Track for College!

Her behavior is not at all unusual for a 16 year old girl. As for the community college, my child completed his two years and went on to Princeton.

I can really relate to what you are saying T.. My son is 17 and a junior in high school and failed every subject first marking period. He is very bright but is ADHD and he kept saying (for the past 2 years) "I'm going to do better, wait and see" but never really changed anything. We have had so many struggles with him. I have explained the same thing to him about going to college etc. I have brought him to doctor's, psychiatrists, psychologists, you name it and they are just stupid people who give me no real advice. My son is so high strung...poor kid...sometimes I think he needs to go on an anti-anxiety medicine but they always want to pump him up with uppers. I know for him alot of it is medical. I did take him to a psychiatrist last month who told me in a few words that made more sense to my husband and I than all of the medical professionals we have been to. He said we have to guide him but lay off of him. He has got to make some choices and will not learn unless he suffers some of the consequences of what he is doing to himself.

All of the threatening and yelling hasn't worked. My husband was a "late bloomer" also. He didn't go to college and worked years ago taking furniture off a delivery truck at Bambergers and after a while made up his own mind that college was the better route. He ended up with a four year degree and went on to get his masters with a 3.99 average.

I don't think a community college is bad at all. People just like to say their kids go to certain colleges for some kind of "status gratification" from other people which is sad.
I took summer classes years ago at our community college to finish my degree and it was wonderful and the professors were really intelligent.

Have you ever looked into the fact that maybe she is shunning her academics because of a learning disability? You can be extremely intelligent but still have one.

Believe me, when I read your blog this morning, it was like I was reading the story of our family...It's really frustrating.
Sometimes I feel that "youth is wasted on the young!"

K.

hi
you have a tough case
i think that if you go to the guidance counselor, you have to go without her, and maybe she shouldnt event know that you are going, because she may view it as a betrayal

there is a great book out there - talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids can talk
also parent effectiveness training

they explain how to talk to your children so that they feel that you understand them and not trying to challenge them at every turn, especially at such an age

also, i feel that her behaviour is a symptom of something that you may not even suspect

is her older sister a good student? do you always compare them? think about if there have been any changes lately

also, i dont think that telling her about community college is very productive at this time
it will make her more angry and 16 is the age when you start challenging the world and its values and maybe to her it seems that education is not a priority

which i do not agree with, but telling her where she may end up of... is not a very productive way of convincing her of anything

instead tell her what she can do if she did attend college

if all else fails, i would go to a child psychologis. again, without your daughter's knowing at least at first

First off, don't panic! I taught 10th grade for 3 yrs. and your daughter is part of the norm. Teenagers often don't know what they want to be when they "grow up," and frankly, neither did I. When they are forced to think about it, many have said that they feel overwhelmed because it is such a big decision and they don't want to make the wrong one. It's easier for them to just keep putting it off. Keep in mind that many community college are great. Your daughter may need or want to attend a community college close to home for 2 yrs. and then transfer all of her credits to a 4 yr. college (when she figures out what she wants to be). It will save you money and it will buy her a little more time because she can take humanities at the community college. I went to a community college for 2 yrs. before going to a 4 yr. college and I'll have to tell you, the most challenging classes I ever took were at the community college. The biggest thing you can do to help her right now is focus on getting her math grade up, and scheduling tours of campuses. Once she gets into the college atmosphere, she'll probably start checking out what they offer. Good luck.

T.,

IF your daughter is serious about going to a good college, and IF she really means it, then start looking at schools. I know, you're thinking, she's FAILING, what school are we supposed to look at?

Get one of those big college guides that lists all of the schools by state. Let her start paging through and forming a list of where she really wants to go. In these descriptions are fun statistics, like how many years of math and science one needs in order to get it, what their average GPA is for accepted freshmen, the average SAT scores, and how many applications they get for how many open slots. It's still making the same point that she won't get in if she doesn't work hard now, only the message isn't coming from a nagging parent now, it's coming from the source. This is an in-black-and-white method of making your point without you havbing to make it.

Good luck!

Jess

I think she needs a JOB,
and to learn responsibility

I think in many ways your oldest is right, she will rebel if you take everything away from her

But I think take Computer privledges, but let her keep the cell

No reason to ground her,

At this point its difficult, but perhaps NOT pushing for college is just the thing she may need right now

Eg. Tell her that she will have to work instead

Mc Donalds won't look so good after a year

M

T.,
Since your daughter is smart, she's well aware of the consequences of her behavior. Perhaps she's not interested in going to college, or perhaps she's asserting her independence by not studying. In any event, junior year can be very important if you leave her alone. Either she'll come around herself, or not.
I have one daughter who didn't care about scholastic achievement, and although she did go to college, she's now very happy working in a 9 - 5 job. My other daughter was always very self-motivated and competitive -- she's now working on an advanced degree.
Bottom line -- not all kids are the same, and not all have to go to college to do well and be happy. And that's really what you want for them, isn't it? The world really doesn't end or begin at age 16!

I read your heartfelt worry and all the responses. I will tackle it from a different point of view. I have been teaching for over ten years now - both middle and high school and trust me; I have seen it all. If your daughter has previously done well, and is not a behavioural problem else where, there is probably one of three things going on - ALL of which will be a phase.
One, she is trying to find herself in realation to her older sisters and right now this is the only thing she can take control of while knowing she still "gets the material."
Two, she has hit a point in school where the material has gotten a little too tough and if she has always done well - she may not have the true study skills it takes - talking with her teachers will give you a better idea (NEVER DO IT BEHIND HER BACK - HAVE HER WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES WITH THIS!!!!)
Three, she is bored in school. This may sound counterintuitive but it is very common. Again, check with her teachers - they will know whether or not she is understanding the material.
However, if there are behavior problems, intervene now!!! take the cell and computer with conditions (talk to me and you get 20 minutes without me, etc) but again - talk to the teachers (or coach) - they will have a better idea of what is going on - face it, they see her more in a day than you do right now - USE THAT RESOURCE!!!
I hope all goes best for you!!!
T.

T.,
This is my very first post, so I am obviously new to this, but, I am having the same problem with my 16 year old daughter. She is a very independent, mature, smart LAZY teenager. Within the last year in a half my husband I have filed for divorce after 18 years, we are both 37 years old and he cheated with a 21 year, my daughter caught him, my daughter and I had to move out of the family home, she has not seen or spoken to her dad since, she was diagnosed with epilepsy just one month before that and has been hospitalized 7 times, 4 of which have been ambulance transports from the High school, 1 episode we almost lost her the paramedics has to start CPR and then use the paddles, I have a terminal illness, we are living with my parents, and the divorce has gotten VERY, VERY, nasty.... she is failing 5 out 6 of her classes. she has a learning disability called discalculia and has an IEP for math and that happens to be the only class she is passing with a B+. She has no desire to do anything, her teachers are complaining and she recently has been talking about dropping out of school, she admits she is lazy and she says she would rather drop out and live on welfare then go to school. We live in Washington state and have a test called the WASL. All 10th graders have to take this test in order to graduate. It tests the aptitude in reading, writing, language arts, math and science. All grades take the test 9-12 at the same time but only the 10th grade is required to pass all parts of the test. My daughter scored number two out of her entire High school in the Reading/Writing and Language Arts portion of the test, yet is getting all F's and is talking about dropping out. She has 57 missing assignments, I have taken away the cell phone, computer, stereo, TV, video games, Ipod, Friends, everything. I have taken her to the Welfare office and had a Social Worker talk to her about what it is really like out in the real world without a Diploma and living on Welfare. She just seems not to care. Anytime school is brought up she just rolls her eyes and zones out. I have talked to her teachers, her guidance counselor alone and with her NOTHING is making a difference, yet all she talks about is going to college for a psychology degree and then going to Germany to teach English. She has self taught herself German, but won't get out of bed to go to school or just sits in class and does nothing. I don't know what else to do. I am lost and wandering around with a foggy brain at my wits end.

Slow down, its an important time to show you are interested in HER. Teens need Mom and Dad to unconditionally love them and help them discover what they want not what you want.Hormones are raging and its a time of self discovery and independence. Letting go a little bit and listening and just being with her is important.Staying neutral is key so there is nothing to react to. Gentle guidance and support and love does wonders. I had a daughter who had enough of school by senior year and did not go to the four year top ten school I saw her in. I have to admit I panicked when she brought home her first failing grade ever at min term. I stayed neutral and told her whatever she did had consequences for her and not me. She did not want to go to college at all!
Junior college worked famously to help her go to that top school and then she was accepted into every law school she applied to. Now at 31 she is a successful company president and lawyer. Its the positive self esteem and love and support that helps each teen. Even if they stray from the path for a while, or make different choices, you are there without judgment to assist. Your older daughter is correct punishment does not work. If she misses the college of her choice she may need to go through that experience and then transfer or not.Best Wishes.

You say that private college is what is planned for your 16 yr old. I agree you should make an appt. with guidance. You may find that your plan of college is not what her plan is. Maybe she would be happier to go to trade school. Its hard to let go and let hr make to choices, but she may surprise you. Just because your other girls are happy with the choice, doesn't mean she is or will be. I really think you need to ask her.

I wish I had the answer to this one! I am struggling with the same issue with my 16 year old daughter. Her grades are actually dropping from straight A's to A's B's and even C's. She says she understands how important her grades are and promises to get them back to where they were but its a constant fight "get off the computer" "stop with the text messages" She is basically a good girl, but I'm afraid that she won't realize the mistakes she is making until its too late to change them. Good luck, be strong And I agree with your older daughter to an extent. Taking everything away will make her rebel and thats the last thing you want. But keep a close eye on the extent of especially the cell phone use. I noticed her taking it to bed and still talking in text messages until 12- 1:00 on a school night. You have to pick your battles and stand your ground on certain issues. They can be strong willed little beasts at this age!! lol If only we can get them back to Barbie dolls and dress up instead of boys and make up!! lol GOOD LUCK!

My sister was the same exact way. (she was older) My parents forced her to go to school, and she failed out in the first semester becuase she didn't want to be there. She came home from the school and announced that she wanted to be a hairdresser. She went to school, graduated and got a job right away. She is now 27 and makes about $70,000 a year as a hairdresser. Point is that you can't force your kids to go to college, it is a choice they need to make for their own future. If you set ground rules and let her know, no college, no money for the movies, etc... then she may choose to go to college and live a sweet life for another 4 years. Anyways, good luck!

I don't know if this helps, but I know many families who had this problem. Sometime the child does end up at community college for awhile. Guess what. It's not so bad: they learn the consequences of their prior irresponsibility. If they want to attend college (and it sounds like your family has instilled that as a priority), they will, afterwards. If I were on the admissions committee of a prestigious college, I would admire a child who was aware of the extra difficulty of that path.

In some family settings where there are multiple siblings, one sibling tends to cling to one of the other siblings and they develop a bond of trust and confidence that the others done have.
If this is the case with your 16 year old and one of the other siblings that are already in college, maybe you can suggest to that sibling attending college to share his/her experience as he/she made the transition from high school to college; the pros and cons of that transition as well as how he/she feels as a person now attending college.
When kids reach that teen-age, (with most teens)what their peers have to offer in the line of advise seems to be more acceptable that what the parents have to say so just maybe that sibling that the 16 year old talks mostly to...she will listen to.

Oh, my heart goes out to you!! My daughter gave me such grief in high school! Have you talked to the math teacher? Is she having difficulty or just not doing the work? If having difficulty, get her extra help, whatever she needs. (did this with my daughter) Go to guidance counselor with her in tow. Also, I did crack the whip and my daughter was very angry. I worked my butt off to make sure she did ok. Do what you need to do and be strong. It is so worth it. My daughter graduated from a 4 yr state school, is making fairly good money for a company (altho not in what she majored in) and engaged. She did not become everything that I believe she could have been, but she turned out to be far more than where the path was that she was heading....

Take her to some schools - visit them and tour them. Ask to speak to some girl students. Get her excited and make it feel real for her. Right now it seems like more school. She needs to know how great the whole experience is to appreciate it more. Maybe spend the weekend with her older sibling? Just a thought.

1. Meeting positive successful role models and talking to them about how they got where they did

2. Giving examples of folks who DONT go to college and they struggle all their lives with hourly jobs to make ends meet.

3. College opens up other doors besides academic. On campus recruiting, sports, drama, etc

4. Watch only public tv and listen to public radio.
5. Take her to museums, expose her to various arts and culture
6. Spend lot of quality time with her without being angry/ frustrated/just BE with her

When you say 'the goal' are you talking about yours or hers?

Im going threw same thing mine 16 yr old daughter is smart n beautiful but is failing school and these teachers really dont teach like they should b allowing students 2 fail and passing them on 2 next grade hhhm they dont get the grade b 4 y would they comprehend the next? Pluss i had 3 meetings with counslors n teachers didnt even sho 4 meeting, they want to think of a off school 4 her 2 go 3 hours a day 3 times aweek hhmm, thats funny so the high scool pass her off 2 the next scholl were misbehaved childrens go ,wow! They say more time with teachers ,im furious! Any answers IF SHE CANT PASS THREW HIGH SCHOOL HOW WE SUPPOSE TO AS PARENTS MAKE SURE THEY HAVE INTEREST TO GO 2 COLLAGE ,BY THEN THER WANT NO PART OF SCHOOL. I WANT MINE SUCCESFUL2 THE FULLEST,SHES MATURE N SMART SHE JUST DONT GET MATH N ENGLISH HEALTH I WAS SAME WAY .THATS WHATS GOT ME SCARED ,I HATED SCHOOL I HAD BAD CHILDLIFE SO SCHOOL I HAD NO INTEREST DIDNT GET IT AND DIDNT WANT 2,STILL HATE 2 READ N DONT UNDERSTAND ALOT,I DROPPED OUT IN 10TH WHICH SHE HAS NO OPTION BUT TO GO THREW SCHOOL ,I WILL NOT ALLOW GED ! SO WAT DO I DO,I KEEP MY PAST TO MYSELF SO SHE CANT USE IT N HER MIND2 GET OUT OF SCHOOL ,BUT I CANT DO IT FOR HER,HELP

just wanted to let you know, your older daughter is absolutely right! the more you push, the more she'll rebel! i have to ask...does she want to go to college? or is it just you and your husband that want her to go? all you said was that her grades won't get her into the college of her choice, but not what college that was...if she hasn't picked one out, or just doesn't want to go, you really can't push her into it!
trust me, coming from someone who's been on her end of it all. i wanted to go to some school for computer programming and possibly arts too...but i wanted to wait until i was ready, until i knew that i had some money saved to pay everything off (being that i had to pay it) and my mother forced me into going right after high school (with the threat/reality of her company not providing health insurance for me if i waited even 1 yr to go to school) and i wound up dropping out of TWO schools!!! i just didn't have the interest to do any of it at that moment, i wanted to do it WHEN I WANTED, not when others thought it was right for me. and because of that, i now have absolutely NO interest in furthering my education because even the thought of it makes me feel like i'm being forced into it like when i graduated high school.

also, during school, when my mother was up my butt about my school work, and my grades i just got worse and worse! once she gave up and left me alone, i worked at my own pace, and my last 2 yrs of school i had nothing but honor roll (A's and B's!). now, i'm not saying that every kid is like that, or that your daughter is like that...but your older daughter said to you about pushing and her rebelling and it just sounded like when i was younger. i personally feel that you should leave her be about it...not completely...just stop pushing. sit down and talk to her, ask her what HER plans are for after school! what SHE wants to do! once you realize what her plans are and what she wants, then give her your opinion on whatever it is. just prepare youself for the possible "i DON'T want to go to college", there's always that possibility. best of luck in this...hopefully if you let her be a bit she'll realize on her own (maybe it sunk in, and she just didn't want to hear it anymore) and maybe she'll make a big turn around like i did. good luck, and let us know what happens.

The more you push the more she will pull away (if you havent noticed). Sometimes it takes girls time she is still is working on her own identity you cant force it. She will come around when she is ready. Most people in the early years of college switch majors dozens of times in the first 2 years. If she ends up going to community college in the beginning it isnt the end of the world she can always find here footing and transfer to a 4 year. It doesnt quite matter where you start it is where you end that matters. At her age she doesnt look so far in the future she is focused on the drama of the day. All I can say is be patient.

Hi! I don't have a complete answer for you...but being a high school teacher (currently on leave with a 1-year old at home) I am used to working with that age group. I know plenty of students like your daughter! I wonder if it would help her to do a little online research for colleges on her own (you said that she's independent and mature). Once she sees a college that she loves and notes the requirements for admission, she may be more intrinsically motivated. A lot of colleges have gotten very sophisticated with their websites....even having online chats with current students. Maybe this would pique her interest and put her in touch with some motivated individuals. Good luck!

Sounds like your daughter needs to channel her computer and
cell phone skills. Also sounds like she might be a good networker. Try a program like Kids Wealth http://snipurl.com/kidsbusiness

She can use a simple little $5- business to get started applying her skills like this one all about plants and
gardening. www.snipurl.com/5dollars

Two pluses. She starts to make her own money for college and
creates skills that will serve her for the rest of her life.

D.
www.insuresuccess4u.com