HELP! How to Deal with Favoritism Within Family??

I COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from because I go through something similar with my own parents. Only it's my sister's children that are the favorites. I am thankful right now that he is too young to see it (he's almost 5), but am dreading the day that he does. I can't offer any advice, but I can offer some support on this. I know it can be frustrating, but it can also be quite hurtful too. It not only effects my son, but my brother's 3 children too. hopefully someone can offer some advice that maybe we can both use. I'm sorry that I wasn't of any help on this situation, but sometimes just knowing someone else understands what you're going through and can offer up some support helps too.

Hello S.. Unfortuantely, I do know all to much to much about favoritism. My grandmother did it to me and to my brother. Apparently, she would spend more time with him from the time of his birth and spend more money on him...I bascially disappeared when he was born. Boys were more of her forte she would explain to my mom and dad. Bull! I say!!!

There would be times that my grandmother would buy him expensive outfits and totally forget about me. And I was the eldest child. So my mom would take back whatever my grandmother purchased, and then split the money between us. So when we were infants or children, my mom would take the money and buy us both something of equal value.

As for treatment, I don't know what to tell you. My mom and dad used to have talks with them saying that if she couldn't treat us both equally, don't bother coming around. For awhle she would treat me ok, but then she started insulting me. I think that I preferred the silence. Even today, my grandmother ignores me, and I'm 33. To tell you the truth, it does bother me, but I deal with it. However, it was a terrible feeling when I was growing up. I never resented my brother though. It wasn't his fault that my grandmother favored him over me.

My inlaws try to play favortism with my two girls and I simply won't have it! I tell them, if you want to buy something for one girl, you better bring two or do not bring nothing at all. You see, they favor the first born and shower her with whatever they bring. Then our second born is left in the background with her hands empty. My inlaws have tried buying stuff for Mairlynn and claiming that they could not find another one for Maggie. I take it, return it, and buy two of something that I know that my girls will love. So, I take matters into my own hands.

As for them taking the boy and not the little girl, I would tell them they could have the boy the 1st week, and the girl the following week...no more playing favorites. Although they may favor your son, your daughter needs their love just as much as your son does. If they don't want to agree with this arrangement, then I would temporairly cut off the visits until they do agree.

Good LUCK!

i have the same problem but mine isnt that my mom picks one of my kids over the other it is that she treats my sisters kids better than mine she dont like mine because they are handicapp she even likes my brothers kids better than mine she takes all of them over night but wont take mine she even went as far as to accuse me of killing my daughter when she died of nautural causes so i dont let her see my son because of the way she is

Do we have the same family? my grandmother didnt have much to do with any of her son's kids but her daughters children were treated like gold. it rubbed off onto my dad and he and my mom chose my younger sister over me all the time, it hurt alot. When I had my first child my parents shifted to him and not my sister so she had a baby and thought she would get all the attention but she didnt when I had my second son she got mad and had another baby as well they are 6 months apart. Now my sister is favoring her oldest daughter over her youngest, her younger daughter is always left behind so I give her extra attention I cant see a child being hurt the same way I did. that sad thing is my sister knows she is doing this and all she can say is so what. When your son goes to a grandparents house take your daughter out just the two of you.

I have a similar problem with my step-mother. She takes my daughter but not my son. My daughter is older and is an arts & crafts type where my son is ALL boy. My step-mother has more in common with my daughter and has no idea how to relate to my son. I believe he also reminds her of her son who she was very close to but lost (to a therapeutic foster home) many years ago. I think it opens old wounds for her. I let her take my daughter and when she gets upset about my son not showing her affection, I point out that she doesn't spend much time with him. When my son does get upset about my daughter going I just point out that he gets mom and da all to himself and that it is grandma's loss that she doesn't get to have my son. Every situation is different and you need to follow your motherly instincts. Good Luck.

S.,

Obviously if your parents favored your brother your whole life, there is no way they are going to change regarding your son and daughter so don't waste your energy stressing about it or trying to change it. Continue to encourage the strong bond they have with your son, and enjoy the time when he visits them to have special time with your daughter. As she gets older, you can do fun "girl things" with her. Go find a lonely set of older people whose grandchildren might live far away, or never had any of their own, and help foster a relationship with your daughter--you will enrich all their lives. Don't constantly point out to your daughter how her grandparents favor her brother, either. In fact, ignore it altogether.
Best wishes,
K.

It sounds like you may have to put your foot down and say that the visits have to be equal. They don't need to take both kids at once (in fact, I think it would be counterproductive because they may pay more attention to him anyway), but Chelsea needs to have as many overnights as Christopher. When they ask to take Christopher next, explain that you don't want Chelsea's feelings to get hurt, so from now on it is going to have to be alternating visits. Simply don't let them have Christopher for another visit until they have Chelsea. You're the mom, and you can set the rules. They will still want to see Christopher (and I would hope, Chelsea) so I think they will go along with it. If they don't, do you really want them around that kind of environment? My husband's grandparents have always favored his cousins over him and his two sisters, and it still bothers him (and his sisters) to this day. Your grandparents may never change (it is probably just a boy vs. girl thing- that's typical of that generation), but hopefully your kids won't ever catch on. Try enforcing the alternating visits. You have nothing to lose.

I deal with a similar situation, except mine is that my parents favor my brother's children out of all my siblings and my own children. It goes back to what you noted that they spent alot of time with them, as my brother went through a long separation then divorce from his wife and the kids were 1 and 3, so my mother feels like they were her own. It is so difficult because it's not controllable. We can't change anyone else's behavior, no matter how much it hurts us. My only suggestion is to point it out (without the children around) as much as possible and note how it can hurt the other child's feelings. My parents tried to deny it; They used age as the reason (the favorites are 6 and 8 now so they say they are able to handle them easier). Age does play a part on older grandparents as they dont have the energy (so maybe that does play a bigrole in your sitatuion).

I really don't think they saw or realized what they were doing, but after enough times of me pointing out examples from time to time - on how it can be perceived to my children that they aren't invited for weekend sleepovers and that they don't get the trips to amusement parks and so on... did they finally see that they were wrong and now they actually do make a point to do more with my girls. It still hurts though, because I feel they do it out of obligation vs. out of a grandparently bond (that I definitely see them having strongly for my niece and nephew). Do whatever you need to protect your children from catching on, as when they get to be 5 and older they don't miss much and it can surely create jealousy and a "whats wrong with me" insecurity. Good luck and let us know how it all turns out :)

hello S.,

I'm sorry to read that someone else is going through the same thing that I went through..my mother did me and my sister's kids that way..she favored all of her kids and she had umm I think 6 of them before mom passed away..it was alway something about her kids, when it came to mine she did everything unecessary to mine then what she did with my sister's kids

the way I delt with it is..when I moved out of her house (mom) I went over there for short visits didn't stay long because I couldn't stand to see that and didn't want my kids subject to it and getting their feelings hurt..

far as them don't wanting to take the other child..then you let them know that they not going to make difference between the 2 kids if they can't take both of them sometimes then sorry..I know that's hard to stand up to parents but this has got to stop!!..

that is a very hard decision because you do want your son to still have that special relationship with them, as well as you want them to spend time with daughter..

I hope that it do work out for the best..God Bless you..

It is hard to deal with favoritism. Does your daughter misbehave when she is at either your parents or your grandparents? By this I mean, can she be overbearing since she is so young compared to your son? I felt this favoritism with my own parents and my baby sister. When I addressed this with both mom and dad (parents are divorced) they were totally shocked that I felt that way! Maybe try to go over to your parents house and just drop your daughter off for a few hours. Sometimes it is hard as we get older to try to have a little one spend the night. Parents/grandparents don't know how to "entertain", so to speak, a little one. Your son is older so it is easier for them to keep him interested in things because they probably share some of the same interests on doing things with him. It is hard to try to overlook this, but I have learned over the years that I just let it go. Maybe when your son spends the night, have a "special" night with your daughter and make her feel that way. Maybe do "girlie" things that only mom/daughters do.

I had a similar problem with my mom, only for some reason it is my middle son who she just can't seem to see enough of. he's a great kid, they all are but at the most i can get ehr to take my two boys but she refuses to deal with my daughter, and she is 4 now. i told her a long time ago, once my daughter was past the needy baby stage, that she takes them all or she doesn't take any of them, and well i hate to say it but she chose the latter. my kids adore her but they aren't missing out on much, favortism doesn't teach your children any good habits. they still see her on holidays and we all go to visit when we can and we will all go out and do things so they still see her and she treats them equally well when they are around she just refuses to want to take my CAity with hr on her own for whatever reason. regardless though it works. my kids don't seem to even know there is a problem and they all get equall attention form everyone now so things are good there. hopefully you can come up with some sort of solution. good luck and if nothing else know you're not alone in this.

My mom had a similar problem with my grandma when we were growing up and she just had to be very stern with her. I would say that your grandparents should alternate overnight visits with the children. If they take your son one time then they can't take him again until they take your daughter...and the same thing goes for your parents.

Doesn't it amaze you how completely ridiculous old people can be??? Aren't they supposed to be "older and wiser"??

Good luck!!

I'm 29 with 3 kids and one on the way... our oldest is 12 and lives with my hubby's parents. Out of all the grandparents they are the ones most invaulved in my kids lives... not by my choose, but my parents are to far away or to busy to see the kids very often.

My in-laws had a favorit child when the boys were growing up, My hubby's father married one of my hubby's daycare friend's mom when the boys were about 5 yrs old. But my hubby was alway the black sheep of the family and is still, now we are seeing a little bit of the favoritism with the kids. I understand there bond with my oldest girl - she has lived there since she was very young, doesn't want to leave there and she is the "daughter" they never had. But it does bother me what they do between the younger ones... my little girl (3/6/04) goes over to stay the night almost every other weekend, and they keep saying that next weekend it my little man's turn (6/9/05) - but something always comes up on "his" weekend (he has only had 1 overnight visit) and then they take my little girl again. We have just tried making a game out of it for now... I had 15 months with just my little girl, so the nights she spends with her grandpartens we have a "it's all you night" with my son. Although I don't agree with the missed visits with my son, I can't take the kids from my in-laws... they do love the kids and the kids love them. They just have a habit of playing favorits, but both my little ones light up when they see PaPa... run over to him screaming his name wanting a big hug and kiss. I know this may not help, but atleast you'll know others deal with it.

As for my two little ones staying overnight at my in-laws house the same night... they also don't think they can handle them both. And to be honest, not may people can keep them from running different directions at the sametime. But we will find out in June, because the little ones are staying at my in-laws when I go into the hospital when I deliever #4, that is if I have it later in the evening like normal - if I deliver earlier in the day, daddy will bring them home after the baby is born and we (me and the new mirical) are settled into our room.

I wish you luck finding a happy medium for everyone!!! I hope your grandparents find a new love for your little girl soon and see how special she is just like they have done with your son. Take Care!

S.,

I understand how hurtful it is to see family members favor one person or another. I know all to well what this feels like, as I too have experienced it.

Sometimes, however, it is important to look at it from all angles. When I first read your request, the first thing I thought to myself was, "how old are her children?". When I looked to your About Me section and realized that your daughter was only 3, it made me wonder if your parents/grandparents are simply not equiped to handle a child so young. With your son, he is a couple of years older. As every year goes by they get more and more independant. What your son is doing now, ie able to socialize, able to be away from mom/dad without having some seperation anxiety, toilet independently, eat & drink without constant supervision, etc, your daughter may not be at that stage yet.

I have noticed that as my children have gotten older, some of my older family members have created a bond with them that might not have been there when they were in the toddler stages still.

Maybe you need to find some common ground and not try to leave your daughter there on her own. Offer for them to come to your house and spend time playing a game or to go over to their house and have an activity as a family, without leaving her by herself.

Hopefully with trying to reach a common ground for all, you will gradually build and foster a relationship that will allow you to leave both children with lasting memories of their extended family.

Hope this helps,
S.