My daughter who is 8 will be 9 this summer. She is my only child and I admit that I baby her way to much! I scratch her back every night and sing her a lullaby. I fix her breakfast for her everymorning, get her clothes ready for her every morning. I even talk to her like she's six (you know that sweet sugary sing song voice) I don't know how to stop. Of course she isn't complaining, who would complain when mama does everything for you. I suggested to her that we stop doing the scratching of the back and lullaby every night and she said "no, mama! I love that" My problem is that next year she will be in the 4th grade, and I don't want her to be emotionally immature. Right now she is fine with her peers but I feel like I could be stunning her emotionally....What do you guys suggests?
Thank you all so much for all your responses! I think pretty much everyone said the same things. I agree to the fullest about the "sing songy" stuff...I start to annoy myself after a little while! LOL we took one lady's comments and have decided that she is going to help me make her breakfast in the morning so she can learn how to do it for me sometimes! (thought that was sweet) Also she did tell me she wanted to pick out her clothes in the morning (she wears a uniform, but they they still have a lot of choices, from jumpers, skorts, shorts, pants, 4 differant shirts and plaid or khaki) I really appreciate everyone being so nice and not telling me I'm crazy! :)
Oh and one more thing, this lullaby I sing to her I've song every night since she was just an infant. I made up the words and it just kind of stuck...she told me today she doesn't want me to stop that until she gets married....which won't be until she's 40! hahaha
I don't think that will stunt her emotionally at all. Keep doing it. I guarantee you she will want you to stop when she's 13.
The only thing to avoid is spoiling her with "stuff."
Keep up the good mothering.
I would pick one thing, just one. Maybe getting her clothes ready for her? And I would change just that one thing. Let her live with that change for awhile, then pick just one OTHER thing, and change that. You guys can and should remain close, but the nature of the closeness could change to embrace her greater independence. In my opinion, you aren't doing her any favors by continuing to do everything for her. Could you fix breakfast TOGETHER in the morning? She probably feels like if you take something away from your routines together, like the back scratch/lullaby thing, then you won't love her as much. But if you replace the "babying" behavior with more age-appropriate behavior, you will still have your together time. My mom used to read to me at night up until I was probably 11 or so. But she wasn't reading me "Goodnight Moon" at 11--she was reading me Anne of Green Gables and other books for girls my age. Maybe you could do something like that as a bedtime routine? Or maybe share a cup of herbal tea and have some "girl talk"? Enjoy your time with your daughter, however you choose to spend it!
My mom babied me. I wasn't an only but my sister is way older. She made me my breakfast all the way through HS. Always did my laundry etc. She didn't do the voice thing but I look back and think what a great childhood I had. What's wrong with that? She's only 8, not 15. Sometimes I think being spoiled made becoming a mother harder bc I just wasn't used to all the work but same time, I wouldn't trade my childhood. And I turned out very well by objective standards. I'm super hard working, have an advanced degree from a top school, very successful professionally etc. So don't worry too much. But I would stop the voice. And my parents didn't coddle me when it came to school work and decisions like that. I owned all of that stuff.
Don't stop doing the back thing or tucking her in at night. I think that's sweet! That is something she'll always remember and can be a little thing between the two of you. And, I don't think there is anything wrong with a lullaby either. If she doesn't want you to do it anymore, she'll tell you to stop.
I do think it's important for her to be learning responsibility though. She needs to learn to do things for herself so that she can know she can do those things and feel good about herself. So, in those areas, if you're babying her, it would benefit her to change how you do it.
I would stop getting her clothes ready for her. If your making pancakes & eggs, it makes sense that you'd make that for her. But if it's just cereal, there is no reason she can't do that. Let her get her drinks. Let her do as much as she can and encourage her while she does it to make it fun & exciting.
Give her some chores to do - emptying the dishwasher for you, cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming, cleaning her room, setting the table, etc. Make it fun, though. She's not too young for any of those things. My 2 yr old will set the table and empty the dishwasher. She tries vacuuming but hasn't been able to do it yet due to small size...hehe. She gets her own drinks and has even poured her own cereal! My crazy little girl...she's very motivated to grow up due to wanting to be like her older siblings.
But it's important for your daughter's growth to know she can do these things and that you believe and trust in her ability enough for her to do these things. Tell her how exciting it is to see her learning these new things and being able to do them on her own, etc.
You can make fun job charts so she can mark off certain things that need to get done, such as homework, choosing clothes, making lunch for the next day, etc.
An important part of mothering is in teaching them to be functional adults. I think you are a wonderful mother, who clearly loves and adores her daughter. I totally get where you're coming from. I used to baby my first too much too. It finally occurred to me one day that I was actually harming her by doing so. She needs to learn these things to be a functional person. I used to always get EVERYTHING for her. And it's been within the last year or so (she's just a few months younger than your daughter) that I realized I needed to alter myself.
Hope that helps some! Good luck!
I would look at things other 8 and 9 yr olds do and start to encourage her to do more for herself. She could pick out her own clothes, for example, but maybe you still sing to her at night. There are things that I think are sweet and things that are babying. I would practice saying things in a non-baby talk voice so that when she comes home, it's practiced in your head to say, "Hey there, how was your day?" the same way you'd greet someone her age or older. You might also try doing new things together, like learning to cook, and allowing HER to show YOU what she can do. It can be hard to watch your kid grow, but try to find ways to enjoy her new activities, interests and adventures.
I don't think there is anything wrong with what you are doing (rubbing her back, making her lunch, etc). However, I would stop the sweet sugary sing song voice. Just talk to her like a normal person. Don't worry, in 5-10 years she probably won't want to know you. Enjoy it now!!
I agree stop sing songing to her if her friends hear they will probably make fun of her. Scratch her back and sing to her though I see nothing wrong with that. Doesn't she want to pick out her clothes? My son is 8 and in 3rd grade also and he prefers to pick out his stuff and if I get an outfit together for him he changes it anyway. I also get my kids their breakfas(cereal)t and put toothpaste on their toothbrushes on school mornings just to be sure they are actually brushing(lol) They can do it themselves but I am their mom and it's my job to take care of them. I also don't think you need a counselor. I think you just don't want to let go since she is your only child.
My niece is 13 and is treated like this. It drives me crazy! She doesn't fix her own breakfast or lunch (ever), she sits on her mother's lap ALL the time, she often sleeps in her parents' bed, and her mother talks to her like she's five. It has now come to the point where she is less capable of looking after herself than my six year old boy. I do however, sing him lullabies! In my niece's case, our father thought that my sister was babying her and keeping her dependent because it gave my sister a purpose. Keep up the nice rituals, but start some independent behavior together. Teach her how to cook some really simple recipes, and go clothes shopping so she picks the outfits etc. Good luck!
I think the back scratching at night is not the one you want to focus on, that is a sweet thing, and your lucky she still wants you to do it. Instead, help her to learn how to get her own clothes ready and her own breakfast! She can be babied and loved while still learning how to be self sufficient. ... I just read through some responses and realized we are all saying the same things... lol
I agree, stop the voice! lol. But I think the rest is cute. They are only little once, and she wont be little for very much longer.
scratching her back at night sounds sweet and normal, BUT You are not talking to her likes she's six! no one talks to their six year old that way! that voice is for infants. You are doing the right thing recognizing there is a problem. If you are worried that you are stunting her emotional growth I think you should see a counselor to discuss your feelings and why this is hard for you. Your words "I dont know how to stop" make me think this is a bigger problem than you are admitting. Most people now a days seek professional help when they are dealing with something there is no reason not to. You are clearly a very loving mom who just needs to talk to someone about how to help your daughter slowly one step at a time grow into the woman she deserves to be.
Like the others have said, there are something that are just 'being a mom',
like making breakfast and lunch and there are others that do need to cut back on or stop now that she is older... look at it this way, if you were to walk into a friends house, what would you think is weird?
From what you've said, I would change a few things.
Nighttime - change the you singing to her rubbing her back to just you in the room singing to her, or having her read you a book.
The 'sing song voice'. Please stop. My neighbor still uses it on her 11y son and it drives all of us nuts!! He will start being teased over it soon.
As for the clothes, set out 2 outfits for her to pick from. It isn't a problem unless you are dressing her.
M.
Nothing wrong with scratching her back. I love that too! I'd have her pick out her own clothes to start with. Maybe she can pick them out the night before so it's not a big decision in the morning. Let her make those fashion mistakes now while she can learn from them. Give her small jobs to help out, like putting away laundry, unloading the dishwasher, helping you make meals,set the table, etc. My kids make their own breakfast during the week and on the weekends like to help me make things like pancakes, waffles or eggs. That's how they learn is by helping you crack the eggs and scrambling them and pouring them in the pan. My older daughter likes to make things by herself now, sometimes sauces and dinner too. Maybe get her her own apron to make it fun. Let her help pick out what to make and then help make it. It's a great age, have fun!
I have an only as well so I understand what you are saying. From experience, stopping the baby talk is much more important than stopping the night time routine. That is a special time for the two of you. The baby talk is probably happining all day every day, and others will be noticing and commenting (and teasing!) about it soon if they aren't already.
