M.P.
M., You are surely having to handle a lot all at once. I'm glad that you are in family therapy! My first recommendation is to be sure to take care of yourself. You too must be feeling some anger towards the men who have left. I hope that you also are able to talk with the therapist by yourself. And do fun things for yourself. Even small things like taking a bubble bath after thekids are in bed. Or going for a short walk during your lunch hour. Doing things that allow you to relax and to also get some exercise.
Has the therapist said that he wants to deal with the depressed kid first? I don't follow that logic. Depression and anger are two sides of the same coin. Neither is more serious than the other. I would think that you should be dealing with both in family therapy.
And I would talk with the doctor about the steroids and their affect on mood. Perhaps he can prescribe something else to counteract the steroids negative affects. Or give him something different than the steroid he's on now. My granddaughter has had both asthma and eczema and has been hospitalized a couple of times with the asthma. They've only put her on steroids for a very limited time, about 2 weeks. They've also given her preventive medicines which have helped to decrease the attacks. One is Singulaire. The other is an inhaler used twice a day until the asthma attacks have stopped and then once a day. It's preventitive and not a rescue inhaler. The peventitive medicines are expensive and perhaps you don't have drug covereage. But we've been told that just over the counter anti-histimines such as Claritin might help. Have you seen an allergist? or is it the pediatrician who is prescribing? The allergist is much more helpful.
Managing the steroid affects will not stop the anger. It's good your family is in therapy.
Changing the ways that you discipline will also be helpful. And giving him as much positive attention as possible will help. I highly recommend the books by Foster Kline mentioned by another mother. Love and Logic is the title of one. I have also found the Parent Effectivness Training (PET) books helpful.
The always saying he loves you, wanting to be close, and to sleep with you are all indicators of feeling insecure. Perhaps spending some time with him alone, talking about what has and is happening would be helpful. And reassuring him that you will never leave.
Does he have a lovey perhaps not a suffed animal or blanket but it could just be a favorite toy. My grandchildren also have difficulties with feeling secure and even the 6 year old has special toys that she carries around with her and sleeps with.
When my granddaughter's father left I gave her a picture of her and her father. She hasn't seen him for over 5 years but we still tell her that her Daddy loves her. It's important to have a positive connection with one's father even if it's not a physical one. And it's important to not ever bad mouth the other parent in front of the child. Perhaps being critical and verbally expressing your anger is not what you do and so this is just a comment I make to every separated parent. A lot of what the child feels about himself is based on what he feels about his parents. He knows that he is a part of theparent and if the parent is bad than so is he.
Just as when describing our children we can say actions are bad but never that the person is bad.
As to the school. Does the school have a counselor available. That could be another good resource. And I think that you should be honest enough with someone in the school to let them know that other things beside the steroid is causing your son to be angry. If you feel that the teacher is helpful she would be a good person to tell. Otherwise perhaps the principal and most definitely the school counselorl You don't have to go into detail but it would be helpful for them to know that his father is in and out and that another significant male figure in his life has also left.
And is there a school nurse? My granddaughter's school has a nurse twice a week and she has been a big help for my granddaughter and my daughter. She, of course helps with the asthma issue, but she's a warm caring person who gives hugs when they're accepted and gives us all lots of positive feedback. I know this because I volunteer at the school and she always tells me how much she loves Monet and how she's doing. And because I like hugs she always gives me one too.
You really have a lot of difficult things to handle right now. Remember that it won't always be this way. We do find ways to manage and make positive improvements in our lives. Asking for help is a good indication that you will succeed.
M.
