HELP! I Have a Very Angery 7 Year Old

Updated on March 19, 2007
M.C. asks from Spokane, WA
6 answers

my son is vey angery, there is a lot of factors his dad has been in and out since he was 3, he thinks he dad is the best thing in the world, i was in a relationship for 3 years and just recently he has left,keyan has out burst at school, he yells at his friends he yells at me and he, get very mad easily, he is not physical, and i prey that it never gets to that, he is very loving and he want to sleep with me all the time, want to be close and always is saying that he loves me. we are trying to see a family therpist but i have a 11year old son taht is suffering from depression and anxiety, and i feel that the therpist thinks that this is the fist thing that needs to be helped in my family, but i get calls from his teacher that state that he has these yelling outburst and that he is angery and he has been on steriods for he has asthma bad and we have been trying to get this undercontrol as well, and this med dose make kids angry, but i know this is not why he is so mad at the world, i just keep using this as an excuss to his teacher, how do i help him before it gets worse?

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M.P.

answers from Portland on

M., You are surely having to handle a lot all at once. I'm glad that you are in family therapy! My first recommendation is to be sure to take care of yourself. You too must be feeling some anger towards the men who have left. I hope that you also are able to talk with the therapist by yourself. And do fun things for yourself. Even small things like taking a bubble bath after thekids are in bed. Or going for a short walk during your lunch hour. Doing things that allow you to relax and to also get some exercise.

Has the therapist said that he wants to deal with the depressed kid first? I don't follow that logic. Depression and anger are two sides of the same coin. Neither is more serious than the other. I would think that you should be dealing with both in family therapy.

And I would talk with the doctor about the steroids and their affect on mood. Perhaps he can prescribe something else to counteract the steroids negative affects. Or give him something different than the steroid he's on now. My granddaughter has had both asthma and eczema and has been hospitalized a couple of times with the asthma. They've only put her on steroids for a very limited time, about 2 weeks. They've also given her preventive medicines which have helped to decrease the attacks. One is Singulaire. The other is an inhaler used twice a day until the asthma attacks have stopped and then once a day. It's preventitive and not a rescue inhaler. The peventitive medicines are expensive and perhaps you don't have drug covereage. But we've been told that just over the counter anti-histimines such as Claritin might help. Have you seen an allergist? or is it the pediatrician who is prescribing? The allergist is much more helpful.

Managing the steroid affects will not stop the anger. It's good your family is in therapy.

Changing the ways that you discipline will also be helpful. And giving him as much positive attention as possible will help. I highly recommend the books by Foster Kline mentioned by another mother. Love and Logic is the title of one. I have also found the Parent Effectivness Training (PET) books helpful.

The always saying he loves you, wanting to be close, and to sleep with you are all indicators of feeling insecure. Perhaps spending some time with him alone, talking about what has and is happening would be helpful. And reassuring him that you will never leave.

Does he have a lovey perhaps not a suffed animal or blanket but it could just be a favorite toy. My grandchildren also have difficulties with feeling secure and even the 6 year old has special toys that she carries around with her and sleeps with.

When my granddaughter's father left I gave her a picture of her and her father. She hasn't seen him for over 5 years but we still tell her that her Daddy loves her. It's important to have a positive connection with one's father even if it's not a physical one. And it's important to not ever bad mouth the other parent in front of the child. Perhaps being critical and verbally expressing your anger is not what you do and so this is just a comment I make to every separated parent. A lot of what the child feels about himself is based on what he feels about his parents. He knows that he is a part of theparent and if the parent is bad than so is he.

Just as when describing our children we can say actions are bad but never that the person is bad.

As to the school. Does the school have a counselor available. That could be another good resource. And I think that you should be honest enough with someone in the school to let them know that other things beside the steroid is causing your son to be angry. If you feel that the teacher is helpful she would be a good person to tell. Otherwise perhaps the principal and most definitely the school counselorl You don't have to go into detail but it would be helpful for them to know that his father is in and out and that another significant male figure in his life has also left.

And is there a school nurse? My granddaughter's school has a nurse twice a week and she has been a big help for my granddaughter and my daughter. She, of course helps with the asthma issue, but she's a warm caring person who gives hugs when they're accepted and gives us all lots of positive feedback. I know this because I volunteer at the school and she always tells me how much she loves Monet and how she's doing. And because I like hugs she always gives me one too.

You really have a lot of difficult things to handle right now. Remember that it won't always be this way. We do find ways to manage and make positive improvements in our lives. Asking for help is a good indication that you will succeed.

M.

2 moms found this helpful
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B.D.

answers from Spokane on

i TOO HAVE AN ANGRY 8 YEAR OLD BIY. hES A GREAT KID BUT HIS ANGER GETS IN THE WAY. i CAME UP WITH A BEHAVIOR PLAN. rEWARD THIS CHILD IS ESSENTIAL. aNTHING POSTIVE. We started this when he was five and it doesn't end. Get him eveulavated by a mental health councler it helps trust me. Its up too you to set an example but write the rules where he can veiw them. Let him know what ok and whats notnIf you can get a hold of love and logic videos do it it had helpeds me so much. Good luck

1 mom found this helpful
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T.P.

answers from Spokane on

WOW, I wish I had the magic answer to all of the problems your family is facing. The only advice I can give on top of what you are already doing is maybe he is feeling left out since there are so many things you are dealing with. You might want to contact Big Brothers to see if someone can spend some time with him one on one where he is the center of attention and can feel like he doesn't have to share this attention with anyone else. I hope this helps because the last thing you need in your juggling act is more to deal with. You should also take some time (if you can squeeze it) for yourself. See if someone can watch the kids for a couple of hours and maybe take youself to dinner or a movie. Just to have some time to equalize yourself and take a breath. I wish you the best, and I hope this is the top of the hill you have had to climb.

1 mom found this helpful
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A.M.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I know that the steroids are probably not the onlyl problem, but trust me, they can be a HUGE part of it. I have to take steroids from time to time when I have relapses (I have MS) and they make me a total witch. My doctor actuallly has to prescribe ativan with the steroids because they make me so bad. When the steroids are in your system, it takes control, and I as an adult know this and still have a hard time, so a kid who doesn't know this may not be as equiped to handle it. I hope that he does not have to take them for very long and wish you all the luck in the world.

1 mom found this helpful
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R.C.

answers from Portland on

I think you need to either find a new therapist for the family or a second one just for your son. ALL of you need to be getting a benefit from seeing a therapist, not just one person at a time. Perhaps try talking to him yourself and getting out his anger. Take him out to dinner just the 2 of you or to play some video games...

I personally don't agree with massive amounts of therapy for kids being a child that grew up in therapy with 3 other brothers in therapy as well, but everyone feels different. It just didn't work for us.

Good luck!

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C.F.

answers from Richland on

this is a very hard thing to have to deal with. Was the split between you and his father bad
? do you and your ex have a good relationship. The therapist is obviously not to up to date with this type of thing. granted your sons depression and anxiety is a big thing too,but this could lead to physical outbursts. You need to discuss this with the therapist and if need be try a different one for him..There is nothing much really that you can do but do what you are doing by loving him.Do you have other male influences (good ones) that you could maybe talk to and see if maybe it is not the fact that he doesn't stop that way

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