Help I'm a 21 Year Old Step-mother to 9Yr Old Boy and 6Yr Old Girl?

Any advice will do?
Alright - remember - you asked for it.

This is what happens when kids are raising kids.
You're 21 and your step son is roughly half your age.
Not bad if you expect to be the Nanny but as a mother - he's not seeing you as 'mother material'.
Not that the kid has much experience with mature adults - his parents are still growing up themselves.

If you stay - the next 10 years are not going to be any fun at all.
Your husband just wants you to suck it up - he's not prepared to back you up in any disputes over his kids.
Maybe he's feeling guilty over becoming a parent so young and/or over divorcing their Mom but the 'my kids can do no wrong' attitude is a sure relationship killer.
If you get pregnant and add your own kid(s) to the mix, I'm not seeing things getting any better.
Considering their parents track record, you might be able to expect THEM to start bringing home kids of their own in 5 or 6 years.
Yeah, you've got tons of 'fun' coming your way.
Why did you sign up for this in the first place?

If you leave - you get to finish your degree in relative peace with much less stress, meet some other people in college and get a career going.
You get to have your fun, date, do some traveling and THEN settle down when you feel ready with a mature partner who's devoted to a future with you and raise a few kids.
Since we've had a few flouncers who delete/alter posts -

Original Post:

"Help I'm a 21 year old step-mother to 9yr old boy and 6yr old girl?

Ok, I met my husband while I was 19 and he was 25. I love him no doubt about it. At the very beginning of our relationship I met his 2 children from his marriage when she was 16 and he was 17. At that time the boy was 8 and girl was 5. Me and the girl have always got along well. But the little boy seems rude and hateful towards me. I have no idea why! I try my best to take care of these two children equally but the boy just doesn't want me in his dad's life. Now recently he is 9 and it's "competing for dad's attention", on top of all this he has gain an attitude towards only me and he only does it around just me (mean, not listening, and hateful attitude). I've tried talking with my husband about it and it always leads to an argument of: 1) my age, 2) inexperience with children, 3) how I favor the girl, 4) how I don't do nothing with him, 5) He says I think is children are just "god awful". And then if the argument gets really bad he brings up "if you can't handle my children then leave, I'll go find someone who will be a mother to them" or "You knew i had kids when we met". The children live with their mother who re-married with a new step-brother the boy's age and we see them every 2nd and 4th weekend on each month while their in school. And we get them 2 full weeks over the summer. With all this home stress I am still in college finishing up having two part jobs and trying to be Supermother without any experience what-so-ever. Honestly, any advice will do!".

Just to add to some wonderful advice.....PLEASE do not get pregnant with this BOY until you figure your life out. You are soooo young and could start fresh with a great degree, job and caring relationships! Take your husband's mean advice and let him replace you.

Your problem is not with the kids, S.. Your husband is being terrible to you.
Anyone who dismisses a frustrated wife with "if you can't handle my children then leave, I'll go find someone who will be a mother to them" is not someone who is taking responsibility for his actions.

A real man would take responsibility for the fact that he *chose* you to be his wife. A more mature man would not hold you to be the sole blame for the dynamics.

Typically, 9 years old is an extremely challenging age. My nearly nine year old mouths off to me from time to time and we do have a very loving relationship. It's just that he's trying to assert his independence in different ways, some appropriate, others, not so much.

S., sounds like you need some support. As I said before, no fully-formed, mature adult man would put all this on you and just dismiss his own role in the situation. I'm sorry. If it were me, I'd cut my losses and let this guy go unless he's willing to go to counseling to strengthen your communication (non-violent communication skills) and work on himself. Blending families is always difficult. It's even harder when the person being 'blended in' is the one being made to feel at fault. You have your whole life ahead of you. So you can ask him to work on the relationship with you or know that this isn't going to change on its own, only likely to get worse. He never had a chance to be an adult before he became a parent. Please don't pass up your own opportunities.

PS: S., I want to add one more thing: I am not suggesting that you do anything I haven't done myself. I was once married to a man who blamed most things on me. After nearly 5 years, I divorced him, worked on my own self (my issues I brought to the marriage, and none us are blameless, we all have them!) and have now been with a truly wonderful man for the past 14 years. We have a son together. I am so glad I saw that I was worth more than being stuck as the scapegoat with someone who wasn't willing to take responsibility for their actions. It was scary and sad for a while, yet ultimately helped me find a much healthier path. Life has been far happier and more productive. Just my two cents.

When his children are being bratty, a man should always put them in their place.

However, step-parenting is always a difficult role, and often causes conflict. It is very common for kids to resent stepparents. They almost always wish their parents had stayed together.

You are very, very young. Too young for this marriage, and this role, as a matter of fact. It is statistically very likely that this marriage will fail, given your and your husband's young ages and the fact that there are kids involved.

Therefore, be as kind and attentive as you can to the boy. If he is rude, and your husband won't back you up, walk away, because there is no way to win in a situation where the bio parent is letting the child be rude to the stepparent. STAY IN SCHOOL and make sure you get yourself a career, so that you can support yourself in the almost inevitable failure of this marriage.

You are very, very young. You don't know yet how young you are, but when you are my age, you will look back and realize you were practically a baby. I love Amy's statement that youth is "beautiful, powerful, fleeting." Lovely. Yes it is. Don't waste it. Good luck.

I am in my 40s and still have some issues with my stepmother...and I never lived with her. She came into my life as an adult.

These situations make me so super sad for everyone involved...sounds like you are trying to do your best in a crappy situation...

You have control over this...you are young (ah, to be 21 again and know what I know now), and just starting out in the world...why did you marry this guy?? Why pick a man with kids and start out life with this super tricky to juggle step family issues?

If he is as un-supportive as you say he is and you two can't even talk about it without it going into a huge argument...then maybe he does need to find someone else to mother his children (NOT that you can't do it....you are and will be a great step-mom with the SUPPORT of your husband....if he is not supportive of you and willing to work with everyone to sort this out....honey, run...get out now!!!)

I don't say this lightly I believe marriage is suppose to be for life....but to give yourself this life sentence at 21 is killing me to read about it. Once you add your own children together into this mix....argh!!!...it just gets messier and messier...

Get full family counseling ASAP and if he won't do it...take it as your huge red flag that maybe this marriage isn't what you deserve....big big big hugs to you!!!

Here is my take on this marriage. Your husband married you as a built-in nanny babysitter for his children. He thought you would care for them and he would and could do his own thing. However, him putting you down and telling you he can replace you will get old.

I would probably separate and file for divorce from him before having any children with him. Concentrate on your studies and what you want in life. Demand to be respected as a person, a woman, a wife and then a mom in that order. Stand up for yourself and do not let your self-esteem fail. The only person who can make you happy is you.

If you have not been married to this guy for a year perhaps you can get an annulment or something. But I would definitely get out as it will not get any better. Think long and h*** o* what you want from this man who does not know what he wants out of life. Does his dreams, drives and desires coincide with yours? If the answer is no, then you know what to do. Life is too short to deal with this hardship and heartache in your life. Do not think of this as a failure but as a learning experience as to what you will change.

Do keep us posted on your decisions.

the other S.

PS I am a mom of 68 years old and if a man told me that he could replace me, he would not see me leave I would be gone so fast. You deserve much better. Get that degree and go on your own way.

I am a stepmother and I can tell you that ALL stepchildren wish their parents were together and have resentments and difficulty adjusting to a stepparent. When you only see them every other weekend, it's very difficult to establish a routine. And it's impossible to develop parenting skills 4 days a month with kids who are parented by someone else the rest of the time, especially when you are with a man who won't help you.

But you don't have a stepchild problem. You have a massive husband problem. Your husband had 2 children, starting at age 17, but criticizes your age. He argues about you not having experience with children - as he didn't and as his first wife didn't. His answer to you is that you should leave. He says "I'll go find someone" - and you should believe him! He is not in love with you, he is not a nice person - he is cruel, he is emotionally abusive, and he doesn't believe in building a family or in disciplining his children. They are doomed to repeat the bad behavior they are observing.

You have nothing good to say about your husband except that you love him. But why? He is not a good example to his children, he belittles you, he threatens to replace you, lets you know he can find anyone to "do your job".

You are young, you are infatuated with an "older man" who perhaps you thought would be warm and wonderful because he's a father, you're in school and working 2 jobs. For what?

Please get counseling, immediately. You need someone in your corner who will support you and help you figure this out. It's easy for us to say, "Run, don't walk, away from this man who is using you." But you need to get to a mental state where you believe that you have value and are meant for better things, that you deserve to be treated decently.

go get some family counseling, all of you. i mean, your husband's right in that your age and inexperience are making this difficult for you. and he's a little unsympathetic to how hard it can be to feel warm and fuzzy to a kid who doesn't like you.
but your stepson is only 9. you're not a long-time experienced adult yet, but you are the adult in this family situation and it's on you, not the child, to figure it out.
all of you need to see a good experienced counselor who can give you some tools to work through this. it won't be easy and it won't be quick.
if you're not in it for the long haul, or if your husband means it when he says to leave, you've got big problems.
khairete
S.

Wow. You must have really loved him to marry a guy with 2 kids and the baggage of an ex-wife at 21.

Your husband should find child care for his children when he is not around to care for and discipline his kids since he seems to think you don't do it right.

When I was 21 I was having the time of my life! Friends, parties, dates, my senior year of college... My friends and I rented a house at the beach for the summer which was non stop fun and laughter. Don't waste these years on a man who doesn't appreciate you and recognize the sacrifices you made for him and his children.

I have to point out: your husband new your age and inexperience when he married you.........so why does he keep brining that up?

Honestly...I think YOU are the smoke screen for his lack of parenting ability.

You are his partner. You should have equal say in the relationship.

Honestly, I think I would separate and let him be a family with his kids while you focus on your career goals. Let him establish parental boundaries with them.

While separated, I would get into family counseling. As mentioned this will be at least a year commitment. If he cannot commit, I would be gone.

Sorry, but it really sounds like he needs time to grow up.

I'm going to do some math here. He's 27 now. He has a 10 year old boy and a 7 year old girl. He was 17 when he became a father and she was 16? Her parents let her have ANOTHER baby with this man-child?

I hope you are making this up. If you are, go do something else.

Why did you marry a guy THIS YOUNG with kids THIS OLD?

So what if you love him? He doesn't love you. NO man who would talk to you like this loves you. You are just a paycheck, a babysitter, and a convenience. You're the one having to watch the kids when your husband has them? When you want to talk about problems in the relationship or problems with the kids, he's a jackass.

You do not have to stay with this man. Let him find someone else. The kids are with the mom full time anyway.

You do not have to bail this man out of his youthful mistakes. All he is doing is pushing off his responsibilities off on you. Enough.

Get yourself to a divorce attorney, do everything he or she says to do to protect yourself financially (he will try to screw you because he's such a jerk), get your ducks in a row, and then leave. Finish your college career and move away somewhere else and start over. When you find a decent man, take it slow and be sure before you marry again. And don't marry a man with children.

You do have a husband problem! But also I think you have an outlook problem ....at the bottom of your post you said "trying to be supermother" to kids you have 4 days a month and two weeks a year! I almost fell on the floor ! but I do think your own expectations of perspective might be contributing to your challenges with your step son.

You are not mom you are not supermom nor should you try to be so back way way way up. I am a stepdaughter many times over so I know a thing or two. All discipline must be handled by dad. Dad should be the one spending most the time with the kids. You be friendly and nice and if things are ugly or stressful do your own thing or use these weekends to study at the library or Starbucks.

I would tKe this step immediately and then seek counseling for your marriage.

Wow...you both are so young! I agree with Diane B and Suz T. You have a husband problem. And marriage counseling is your best option here. Look for someone who specializes in blended families. Since he only sees his kids 4 days of each month, I think you should just back off on those weekends. Don't worry about the kid's behavior. Be pleasant. Let their dad handle them. Sometimes stay out of the way, run your errands, do some shopping, or hit the movies with a girlfriend. Let dad get some one on one time with them. Encourage him to do things with just them. When you are hanging out with the kids just make the best of it and be as kind as possible to them. Always take the high road and try to always be kind. Tell the little boy you are sorry he feels that way when he is being rude. When you do things together as a family let your husband handle his kids bad behavior and do your best to treat them both equally. This will be a long, slow road to a good relationship...think of how you want things to be 10 years from now when they are 16 and 19. Just be as loving as you can to the kids. Let it go. Let the arguments go. It's not easy for kids to go house to house and have their parents split up. It causes anger, self esteem issues, and sadness even if they do not show it.

I'm with Suz, the lot of you need to work with a counselor. My suspicion is that the boy is acting out because he is dealing with a huge amount of change right now and as a ten-year old, he doesn't have the coping skills. Think about it: his parents split up, his father has married you, and his mother has married another man with a son just his age. He surely sees that his little sister gets along with you, and that must rankle. He has limited time with his father, and most likely, he hears or senses the arguments between you two. I'm not saying his behavior is right or good, just that one can see why he's doing it.

Your husband not listening and seeing that his son is acting out with you... that's a problem too. Though perhaps your husband does say kinder things to you at other times, it would give me pause if my spouse told me to leave if I have trouble with his children and 'I'll go find someone who will be a mother to them.' Did he marry you to BE a mother to them or a partner/spouse to him?? Anyway, my hope is that you will get some counseling to help you figure out your wants, needs, and options--and do finish that college degree! It will open doors and encourage you a great deal. Best wishes!

I give you credit for being a caring person who is trying really hard. But these types of stories are pretty heart breaking. You are sooooooooooooooo young. And that is a beautiful, powerful, fleeting thing. Not something for your spouse to use against you in arguments. The sky is the limit on what you can do with your life.

You don't have bio kids. You are in school. You can have so much more in your life.

When your husband isn't belittling you for not raising his kids well enough (that he started popping out at 17 with a 16 year old??!!!) what is so great about him? I hope he is a loving, devoted, good person who values you and appreciates your difficult position. But he sure does not sound like it.

I'm 45. I was madly in love at 19 with a guy who was 29. We were together for 7 years. Thankfully no kids between us. I eventually came down to earth and realized he wasn't a great guy. He is now so far in my distant memory I barely ever think about him. And my life has been very full. I built a good career for myself, traveled, dated way better guys, and now I have three beautiful kids of my own 9, 8 and 6. I had them when I was ready, and focused, and able to raise them from start to finish.

I honestly don't know what advice to give you other than: Please be sure this is the best way to live your life before you give away your youth to this guy. You're only young once.

You don't mention anything positive about your husband. To me, that says a lot.

I think you're blaming the son a bit. Kids can be challenging at 9. Especially if he's not getting enough attention from his dad. That's his and his dad's problem. You stay out of it The kid sees his dad doesn't respect you. So he's doing the same.

So you stand up for yourself. Don't take it. Step one.

Then if husband resents you for it, and continues to be a jerk - you have a choice to make. The thing is, you are making this out to be a situation where you don't have say or control. You do. Of yourself and your choices. You can put up with this nonsense, or not. Good luck and keep us posted :)

The children don't respect you because they see you 4 days out of the month. Which is next to nothing.
I really don't understand HOW parents can get divorced and then see their children so little. It would break my HEART to only see my kids 13% of the month.
I would just step back those 4 days and let the dad parent. They desperately want his attention and to see him. I think you can give up those days for his kids.
Go out with some girlfriends, hit the movies, visit your family. Let them have some quality time with dad.
THEN, after some time, start staying for either Saturday or Sunday. Family day to the zoo, bowling, swimming....something you can all do together. Take the other day for you to spend with friends or family.
THEN, after a bit more time, you stay for both days.
Perhaps your husband could try and get a bit more time with his kids too....that would probably make a big difference.
L.

He sounds immature (the father, your husband).

I honestly think you can find someone who will treat you better. This is not so much about you and the 9 year old as it is about the way the husband treats you.

Kids are difficult, especially step kids with crappy bio parents.

The number one thing is your husband should not be talking to you that way. I can understand a little bit of defensiveness if he feels that his son is being attacked but it sounds like he is controlling you with verbal threats.
If you continue to put up with his behavior, it will not get any better with your husband. With the stepson, I would make sure your husband is taking care of them when they are with you as much a possible. If the son feels like he is competing, he is probably not getting enough time with dad anyway.

You don't have the kids often so if it was me I would back off and let dad handle the boy for a while. Be nice with him, include him in activities, but avoid it being just you in charge. They are there to spend time with their father anyways so he should be the one providing supervision so he can spend time with them. If he only acts hateful to you when it is just the two of you then simply avoid it being just the two of you for a while until he gets a little more mature and realized you are not going anywhere and that you will still love him even if he acts badly.

welcome to mamapedia!!

Girl - I want to call troll....you married a man without ANY counseling on blended families? And now you are trying to be SUPERMOTHER?? Girl.

Your husband's comments are VERY telling - especially the "I'll go find someone..." he married you to be his nanny. Not because he loves you and wants to share his life with you - he married you to be his kids' nanny.

Personally? I don't think I'd stay. Do you think he can or will change his attitude? If you think he can or will? Tell him marriage counseling AND family counseling. Period. End of story. He doesn't like that? he's not willing to make the marriage work.

Uh....the only place "SUPERMOTHER" might exist is in a comic book, a sitcom OR in your head.
Please go to a family counselor ASAP. If your husband won't go? You go.
You need some real help and strategy for "dealing with" these step kids, what? 4 days per month, and TWO FULL WEEKS per summer.
Your husband's not a real "plan ahead" kind of guy, huh?

Your husband doesn't respect you...why would you expect his children to? I highly recommend counseling. Also, most of us become mothers without "any experience what-so-ever". You are young (that's a fact, not an insult) and you don't have a lot of tools in your toolbox. Good Luck!