Help Me I Need Sleep

Hi,
42 yr old mom ....What are the childs napping habits ? Maybe he is getting a nap too late ?.....Let me know......S.

K.,

You don't say how old your son is, so I'm going to guess at toddler stage somewhere.

You say that both you and your hubby work full time, and he's no home until midnight. So your son only sees you in the evenings. Since he goes in to bed to start his night at 9, he's only seeing you for what, 3-4 hours all day? It may be that your son is just craving attention. Try giving it to him, in huge doses. I'm not saying that you're ignoring him in the first place, but it's tough to get home, get the two of you situated, start dinner, eat, probably get achange of clothes in, use the rest-room, return a phone call or two, sort the mail, etc., and shower a little boy in attention all in three hours. Toddlers crave more attention than one person can possible provide, for more hours than there are in a day. That's just they way they are built. He's probably so desperate for your time and ettention that he's resisting going to sleep till he gets what he wants. Once you're home and both fed, try doing nothing but playing with him till bedtime. Then, when you want him to go to sleep, sit on the couch, or in a rocker, and spend the time reading a story, or singing to him. It might just work, and if it doesn't, you've got nothing to lose but the earsplitting screaming. I mean, if you're both going to be up and awake anyway, why should you both be miserable?

Have you talked to his day care provider? Get an idea of what his nap schedule is when he is there. If he's napping really late into the afternoon, talk to her about the bedtime problems, and ask her to move nap back, so he's more tired in the evening. Try talking to her anyway. She may have a trick that helps him sleep at naptime that you could use at home.

Good luck, K.. Sleeplessness stinks.

Hi K.,

We co-sleep with our daughter. I know this is not for every parent but, it works great for us. Contrary to what most people believe, it helps a child become more independent. I guess because co-sleeping offers a lot of security that sleeping alone in another room doesn't.
There is much information on this topic both on line and in the bookstores.
I hope this helps and
Sweet dreams!
s

I wish you said how old your son is...that makes a big difference. Talk to your daycare provider and your son's doctor. They can help you find resources. Two books I have read are, "Healthy sleep habits, happy child" and "the Sleep Lady." The sleep lady has a website, definitely check it out. It sounds like he is overtired, find out if he is napping regularly during the day. Good Luck!

Poor you! It sounds like everyone is working hard at your house! ITA with a bunch of what posters have written, but I really can't condone the cry it out (cio) method. It *might* work for a few children, but most children NEED their parents, need the reassurance of having their parents at a moment's notice. And if you think about it, children have lived WITH adults (eating, sleeping, working etc.) forEVER. It's really only very recent to have a separate bedroom for babies. I think if you can try co-sleeping, you might find it works better for you. People do it different ways...a futon on the floor, side-car a crib (it's not attached to the bed, but right next to it, and the edge against the bed is DOWN so it's the same height as the bed), or just in the same bed. I have a double bed in my son's room , and now that he's a bit bigger (20 mos) I put him to sleep there, and if someone (say hubby) is sick, I can sleep w/the baby, otherwise he's now great at coming into our room for the last part of his night. My daughter will still come in as well - she's EIGHT! At about 5yo I was pretty clear with her that if the door to our room was CLOSED (which is pretty darned rare) that she shouldn't come in without knocking. No answer, no enter. It took a bit, but we did get our privacy back. Tho sex is important, it is not, and will NEVER be, more important than my kids, or our relationship as a family. We've even go so far as to swap evening babysitting with a neighbor just to have a few kid-free (ahem - ADULT) hours. :D I think you'll find your thing...

if your baby isn'ttoo big to cary, get yourself something sturdy to carry him in (a wrap, an ergo, a frame backpack, whatever works for you) and just carry him around while you do your 'chores'. He'll be fine, and much easier to deal with than the screaming (which drives me up a wall pretty darned fast!). If he falls asleep in it, fine. If he doesn't, just make the move to bedtime together. His pj's and diaper, your pj's and teeth, etc. Being a mommy is a super hard full time operation. If you aren't there all the time in his presence, you may have to do some double duty when you get back together. If you want more info on carrying stuff (back carry, wraps, slings etc.) just send a private message, and I'll be happy to help! Best of luck K.! A..

My son is 19 months, and he did the same thing, so he sleeps in our bed with us. Our daughter slept in our bed until she was 2 also. She is now almost 3, and she sleeps in her bed with no problems. The grow so attached, that sometimes they just need you there with them. It's not the best arrangement, and it makes sex hard for me and my hubby, but it's just something we have gotten used to. Plus, when they can get a good night sleep and so can you, you really don't care where they sleep, as long as they sleep. Hope this helps

Dear K. -
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this with your son. My advice that I give ALL mothers that have children who will not sleep is to just let them SCREAM it out. I know that it is the hardest thing to do, even after 2 kids i still have a hard time hearing them cry. As long as you know that your son is safe he will be fine. The choking is just from being so upset, and he will not hurt himself if he is in his crib, with nothing else in it. The Dr. says they can cry for up to 45 minutes without ever doing any damage to themselves (obviously they mean just by crying). He will cry each night and learn to eventually calm himself. He knows that you will come in and get him if he just keeps crying, but when you start NOT getting him, he will learn to just cry a little and go to sleep. I start this process with my children as young as 4 months old. They learn quick. If you feel the need to go in, don't pick him up. Try standing next to his crib, lay him back down, tell him it is okay that he needs to go to sleep, rub his forehead and then leave. You may have to go in 2-3 times, but don't pick him up.
Another suggestion that I have for you is to maybe try putting him down closer to 7 or 8? He may be overtired. I don't know how old he is, but he also may be hungry. Does he do solid foods yet?
Have you tried a radio in his room and leaving the light on? What about taking him for a ride to put him to sleep?
Hope any of that helped?

Been there and done that! I used to have to get up at 3 am for work. It sucks, but you have to let him scream himself to sleep. Go in and check up on him, once in a while to make sure he's not choking, but don't pick him up. It may take a couple of nights (it may only take one), but he'll get the idea that it's bedtime. Doing this now will help later on as well, especially when transitioning into a big boys bed. I'm a sleep consultant. And no matter what people tell you, neither you or your son will get a good nights sleep if you're in the same bed. It's hard, believe me I felt terrible the first night, but it's best to lay down the boundries now. You won't have to fight for as much territory later on when he can talk and wants to play all night. He'll know it's bedtime.

How old is your son? I always let my two year old cuddle with me on the couch until we both fell asleep when my husband was on business or worked late. Try to let him go to bed with you for a while and have your husband put him in his own bed when he gets home? This may be spoiling your son, but it worked for us and now, Ethan says "night, night," grabs his blanket and heads back to his own bed when he is tired. Maybe making it not such a big deal is what you need to do... then again, our method only worked by default... some kids could get the wrong idea and think they can sleep on the couch or in your bed permanently.

Here is an article on Sleeping Through the Night/Middle of the Night Feeding:

Getting Baby to Sleep Through the Night: All babies will fall asleep eventually. Some just need a little more help than others.
By Barbara Solomon

Pulling Baby out of the Crib
Up to the time he was 10 months old, my son David had always been a good sleeper. Then my family moved into a new house, and all of a sudden, all bets were off. He began waking two, sometimes three times a night. I was sure he was just unsettled by the change and would return to his old ways soon. But after we tried every trick in the book only to suffer more sleepless nights, we caved in. One night when he called out, I scooped him up and brought him into our bed. We all slept soundly, and I was feeling pretty good -- until I spoke with a friend later that morning.

"Don't you know that you've opened a can of worms?" she scolded. "Now you'll never get him back into his crib!"

Picturing endless sleepless nights ahead, I panicked, and it's no wonder. Getting a baby to sleep consistently through the night can seem like the ultimate unattainable goal. But after I spent just a few nights leaving my son in his crib when he cried for me and gently encouraging him -- "You're okay, David, just go back to sleep!" -- from the hallway, he quickly resumed his old sleep habits. And experts say that with some patience and effort, most parents will be able to solve their child's sleeping problems, too.

The Impossible Dream
During the first weeks of life, you can't expect a baby to sleep through the night. In fact, there is no typical sleeping pattern for newborns; the only thing you can count on is that they sleep around the clock for varying periods, ranging from a few minutes to a few hours. So why can't they sleep consistently for long periods? Blame it all on biology. An immature brain is the primary reason.

"People have a genetic timing mechanism in their brain that controls sleep, and it takes time for that mechanism to develop," explains Marc Weissbluth, MD, professor of clinical pediatrics at Northwestern University's Feinberg School of Medicine, in Chicago, and author of Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child (Ballantine, 1999). "Think of it like eye color: Babies are born with a genetic predisposition to a certain eye color, but it takes time for that color to be expressed."

A need to feed is another factor. Many experts believe that newborn babies have to eat frequently, particularly breastfed babies: There's no way to tell how much a breastfed baby is eating at each feeding, so breastfeeding mothers may be more likely to fully awaken a stirring baby to feed.

Bottlefed babies, on the other hand, may sleep for longer periods because formula takes longer to digest and leaves baby feeling fuller longer. "But babies who have birth defects and are fed continuously by tube for the first several weeks of life show the same process of sleep maturation as other babies," notes Dr. Weissbluth. He believes that ultimately, "Sleep comes from the brain, not the stomach."

Regardless of studies and experts, until she is at least 6 weeks old, a newborn baby will undoubtedly wake several times during the night. Around the 6-week mark, many babies show subtle signs of organizing their sleep. They may get drowsy at 6 or 7 p.m. and may sleep at night for consecutive blocks of four hours or more.

At about 3 months, most can adhere to a sleep schedule that includes a morning nap, an afternoon nap, and two or more longer blocks of sleep at night. According to a poll of primary caregivers by the National Sleep Foundation (NSF), a nonprofit organization, by 9 months some 70 to 80 percent of babies are sleeping a straight 9 to 12 hours every night.

That's great news -- unless yours is one of the 20 to 30 percent of babies who don't sleep so well. "My son was a horrible sleeper!" recalls Lisa Henahan of Peachtree City, Georgia. "Until he was 15 months, he would sleep for an hour and a half and then wake for an hour -- all night long!"

If your nights sound similar, rest assured, these tips can help parents solve a range of stubborn sleep problems.

Sleep Tight, Baby
To exhausted parents it seems that there are as many sleep issues as there are children. But most babies fall into the following categories:

"My 2-month-old son sleeps all day and is up all night."
A common phenomenon during the early weeks of life, day-night reversals often clear up with a little time and a lot of daylight. Try exposing your baby to bright light or sunshine in the morning hours and keep the lights dim in the evening. It also helps to move your baby to a busy part of the house throughout the day, play with him during the daytime, and wake him for daytime feedings.

Then, keep your interactions with him quiet and subdued at night. As babies approach the age of 6 weeks, they begin to respond more to environmental cues, so it helps to have a bedtime routine such as a bath and a song. It may take several weeks, and a baby this young still probably won't sleep through the night, but he may consolidate his sleep into two large blocks at night.

"My 7-month-old daughter won't sleep through the night. Why?"
From around 6 months on, a baby should be able to make it through the night without a middle-of-the-night feeding and without waking his parents. But that doesn't mean he's sleeping all those hours. The term "sleeping through the night" is misleading, points out Lawrence Balter, PhD, professor of applied psychology at New York University, in New York, and editor of Parenthood in America: An Encyclopedia (ABC-CLIO, 2000). "All people -- including babies -- wake and put themselves back to sleep several times a night without realizing it," he says. "That's something babies need to learn to do."

Some kids learn on their own; others need a little help. There are several ways to teach your baby to soothe himself to sleep. Most of them involve listening to some crying. So how do you stay focused amid the tears? Remember that crying isn't going to harm your baby. And the reward -- a good night's sleep for all -- is worth a few teary nights.

The Ferber Method
"My neighbor has recommended the Ferber method to help my 6-month-old sleep through the night. What is it?"
This method was developed by pediatric sleep expert Richard Ferber, MD, author of Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems (Simon & Schuster, 1986). He advises parents to check periodically on their baby when she awakens at night. Here's a sketch of how it works: On the first night, when you hear your baby cry, you go in, give her a reassuring pat, and then leave. If she's crying 5 minutes later, you repeat the process, but this time you wait 10 minutes before going in, increasing the time in five-minute increments. The second night, you start at 10 minutes. Dr. Ferber's system has worked for many families.

"We're trying the Ferber method for my 7-month-old, but I can't stand the crying. Is there another, less drastic way to sleep-train my baby?"
There are also ways of making gradual changes within the routine you already have, notes Jodi Mindell, PhD, associate director of the Sleep Disorders Center at The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia and author of Sleeping Through the Night (HarperCollins, 1997). If you've been putting your baby to sleep by rocking her in a chair, for example, start by just sitting in the chair together. "Then choose the next step -- putting your baby in his crib and holding his hand.

"A few days later, you can sit three feet away from your child's bed," Mindell says. Within a few weeks, you should be able to work yourself out of the bedroom.

"We've tried the Ferber method. My 6-month-old becomes enraged every time we go in to soothe him. Any suggestions?"
Some children respond better to a cold-turkey approach. If your baby cries, you don't go in her room (some parents call reassuringly from the hall). This is not for the faint of heart, and, as Balter points out, is better for younger babies. An 8-month-old may be able to sit or stand in her crib, which makes it hard for her to settle down if her calls aren't answered.

More Sleep Issues
"My 9-month-old insists on a 3 a.m. feeding. How can I get her to give it up?"
For many parents, a final obstacle to an uninterrupted night is that middle-of-the-night feeding. If your baby no longer needs to be fed at night (check with your pediatrician to be sure), simply stop giving him the bottle or breast when he calls for it. Alternatively, you can use a sequence of progressive steps, which might include offering him diluted formula or breast milk for a few nights and then gradually replacing it with water. He may not find it as appealing as milk, and, subsequently, won't cry for it.

"My 10-month-old son used to sleep through the night, but lately he's been waking up all the time."
Chances are, there's been some change, however subtle, in your child's routine. Everything from a vacation to an illness to an overnight guest can disrupt a young child's sleep schedule and cause her to awaken and need comforting. Some parents report that developmental milestones, such as learning to walk or use the potty, can also upset sleep patterns.

"When a child takes a developmental leap forward, neurons are firing and there are probably connections being made in the brain," says Mindell. "It's no wonder their sleep is disrupted." Most babies are also keen on practicing their new skills; when they wake in the night, sleep takes second place to getting up on all fours or babbling.

At times like this, you may need to repeat old steps, such as sitting in your baby's room for a few nights and gradually working your way back out. But don't despair; experts say children with established good sleep patterns will return to them pretty quickly.

"How can I get my 8-month-old to go to sleep at the same time every night?"
If your baby isn't sleepy at the same time every night, her daytime sleep routine may need tweaking. "Make sure to wake her at the same time each morning, keep naptimes consistent, and avoid letting baby nap after 4 p.m. A reasonable bedtime for a baby this age is around 7 or 7:30 p.m. If she wakes from a nap at 5:30, she's not going to be sleepy enough to go to bed then," says Mindell.

One strategy to avoid, however, is shortening her naps in the hope that this will make her sleepier at night. The fact is, overtired children have a hard time falling asleep. And evidence shows that babies aren't getting enough sleep as it is. Many experts recommend that infants ages 3 to 11 months get 14 to 15 hours of sleep daily, but according to the NSF poll, most babies get fewer than 13 hours.

Even if you've succeeded in creating a great sleeper, remember that every child occasionally has wakeful periods. When this happens, reassure yourself that you're not going to be sleepless forever. Says Peggy Nona, a Rochester, Minnesota, mother with two school-age girls, "I used to worry about getting them to bed at night; now I worry about getting them out in the morning!"

Barbara Solomon is a mother of three and a writer in Scarsdale, New York.

Originally published in American Baby magazine, July 2004.

In addition to that....

A local parenting coach wrote this:

I know that Dr. Ferber is less strict than he used to be about getting kids to sleep. However, his techniques are still very useful for kids that have actually taught themselves to stay up and/or to demand/expect a parent to be with them until they actually fall asleep. Also watch one of the Nanny TV shows for examples of being firm yet loving with setting limits.

Briefly, the basic idea is that you (1) stop paying any attention to your child after their bedtime--no hugs, kisses, stories and no yelling either. Just make believe they are little critters that you are putting back where they belong. and then, if necessary (2) let them cry themselves to sleep. Also, and actually first, develop a bedtime routine and STICK TO IT! Letting them cry is very hard, and against some people's principles. What we did when my daughter was little (she is now 21) was put her to bed with the musical mobile playing. If she was still crying when the music stopped (less than 5 minutes) we would go in to her. This happened very rarely. I felt that a short period of crying was not a trauma and having her go to sleep on her own was a learned response. It worked and we had very few bedtime hassles.

Good luck,

Marion
Coach and parent
Marion C. Bloch, Psy. D.
____@____.com
www.mayaresources.com

Hello K.,
I feel you.
Ever heard that babies are a mirror image of their parents' moods?
With your schedule, you must be tensed up and tired by the time you get home. Esp when all you think of at your baby's bed time is the screaming session that will follow once he is in his crib. He feels the tension and will never relax.

Here is what I did with my first son:
Since there was no way I could put him to bed peacefully and I had all other chores to deal with, I did my chores with him in a front carrier. I even came to find a way to put the carrier on my back. Since there were no screamings at that time, I was calm, he calmed down too and the warmth from my body, he snoozed away. No screamings, no nothing.
Actually I came to realize that he screamed because he wanted me to go pick him up, and I did that mistake. That was it - he knew how to get his bedtime cuddles.

Not all of us mothers have a heart to let a
baby cry it out until they sleep, but that's what I was told to do by many mothers. Of course, they were right about my son manipulating the bedtime cuddles.

Or, if you can afford it, cuddle him until he sleeps completely. You know, put your chores second. You'll also get to rest a bit too while your rocking your son. I know it might seem like you are teaching him that sleeping is possible only when rocked but believe me once he is older, he won't need to be rocked to sleep.

Good luck.

Mine did the same, we had to get her a schedule to start, so I found out she was napping about 3:00 and so by the time I got her, I came home and let her play, wear her out at that time I cleaned and did my things but still with her also, since I felt she wanted attention I had her help me with the laundry, help put the clothes in, I even had her get a cloth and act like she was cleaning with me I even made a song up. Then I cooked dinner right before her bed time that way she is tired and full. I ended up putting her in my bed, turning the TV on to her favorite movie "Nemo" and rubbed her back, yes at times I fell asleep too but this was the start of a schedule so about 3 days went by and I then I ended up putting her in my bed every night but she would stay in my bed and not cry and end up falling asleep, I again would put the movie on, I don't know how you feel about TV but this was keeping her quiet and she ended up falling asleep anyway. You need your sleep to, he could also be very overtired and that is why he is screaming.

Hi K. my son did the same thing when he was young. What my husband and i did was to put him to bed and then sit in a chair in his room or lay on the floor next to his bed until he went to sleep. This let him know that he wasnt alone and that we were there if he needed something. Sometimes it would take awhile for him to go to sleep but other nights he went out fast. I hope this helps.

S.